Well, I’m not exactly peachy.  I’ve got somebody upset.  I try so hard to be a good person, but I just can’t help but wonder if I am... I just edit removed the next two sentences, as I now know how she feels.  Thanks for clearing that up.  I’m always here for you…  And as for Mystery Girl, well, communication won’t be a problem from my side anymore.  That’s for sure.  She was pretty hard on me, but rightfully so as I hurt her.  I had a great time at the game.  A grand slam was hit.  It was a little awkward there, but I enjoyed it. 

 

CSA Girl has found her way here too.  She’s a smart one.  I’m tired of work, and I’m thinking about all the things I told myself a week or two ago that I would be doing.  I told myself that I should be living each day as though it was the last, and not to stress, but, like clockwork, I was stressing all over again.  Not to talk about work, but thanks CSA Girl.  You really do make my life easier.  As does Kolohegirl.  If you don’t feel appreciated, talk to her, she knows all about that…

 

CSA Girl.  I don’t know what to say about her.  I never would have expected her to find her way here.  Persistent one though.  I’m impressed with her wisdom.  Not to mention her word choice.  I enjoy it, for those few words I’m not sure of, I look up.  I love those that are wiser than me, as I get to learn from them.  It’s a good thing I’m stupid, that way everybody is above me!  I’m kidding, I don’t think I’m that bad, I just enjoy the brain work.

 

It was Mystery Girl’s birthday on Wednesday, May 12th.  I worked from home because I woke up late (8am, and kind of intentional)  I got a lot done, but it could have been more.  The alarm went off at Cookie’s house.  I went and checked it out.  They call me because they still have my cell number.  I met up with her and she gave me a present.  Yeah, I get a gift on her birthday.  It was my brother and sister’s birthday on the 11^th of May.  I called and talked to him, and of course was at the game with her.  I called my brother’s girlfriend the other night on accident.  It was like 11pm Wisconsin time, and I hit her number instead of his.  She didn’t answer, so I left a crazy message instead.

 

Granted, Katie is a freak, but I get pleasure out of watching her eat an apple.  She is kind of obnoxious when eating it.  But whatever.  She’s working the fax server project.  That’s it.  I mean, I could have implemented 15 fax servers by now.  She gets paid hourly too.  So I can’t stand to hear her bitch about the hours she works…

 

It’s been awhile since I’ve been addicted to the net, chatting and all that.  Thanks to CSA Girl, I’m back at it.  I just can’t wait to get home.  Granted, she’s in WI, and she is married, but it’s just the thrill of it all.  The fact that she cares, and that I have the feeling that she is just as excited to talk, makes it really nice.  She made a “Jonathan CD”.  I need to get a copy of that.

 

I’ve decided to make the last, and next few posts private.  If you are reading this, then I’ve since made them public.  There is only one that is staying private.  And it will remain that way until she tells me I may make it public.  That may be a long while from now.

I got a $100 gift card from the CIO today.  Yeah, kinda pathetic, but anything helps.  It was in the form of an American Express Card.  You can spend it anywhere AmEx is accepted.  Kinda cool…

 

CSA Girl asked about my username on the IM.  83259610 is where it spawned from.  I remember when I was younger.  It was 83259610, and 832596104.  I said it before I prayed.  Back when I prayed.  I remember asking a question in church.  And I got an answer that was just so blanket, it didn’t seem honest.  It seemed brainwashed.  It seemed questionable.  Abre los ojos.  That’s when I opened my eyes.  Thought about it more.  Now I am where I am.  First United Method Church.  Downtown.  That’s where I went.  It would be trippy to walk back in there.  Same feeling you get when you go anywhere that you haven’t been in a long time, but that you spent a lot of time at before.  Schools, etc.  It’s weird.  I love it though...  Almost like a dream…

 

It’s hard to read the newspaper or hear the news anymore.  Even Howard Stern.  I mean, he’s almost kicked off the air, we are treating Iraqi prisoners with disrespect, and our American civilians are being beheaded on video as a warning.  I mean, where is this world going?

 

I remember I used to walk Amy home from elementary school.  She had a yellow house.  I mean, who the hell has a yellow house?  She was cute.  I liked her, but I was #2.  Jeff was always number 1.  Except in the flex arm hang.  I won that shit.  I rock.

 

CSA Girl thinks some of my stuff is, aw, hell, I don’t remember the word (again, as I couldn’t think of it earlier either).  Well, it’s not as open and as much straight forward emotion as some others.  She thought the religion one fell in that category, but the feelings toward JB was pure heart.

 

I’m sleepy.  I called Mystery Girl at 9 sharp.  Every commercial break she called me back.  I’m only posting this because she asked if I would.  She never watches TV, and Lifetime, channel for beaten and abused women, had something she wanted to see.

 

I was rereading an old post, and it said something about using the Now Reading or Now Listening To features.  I said that I’m always reading the same stuff, and always listening to the same thing.  And almost 2 months later.  I am.  Aura is playing now, and I’m still on Dreamcatcher…

 

Oh, and Cookie told her friends about how good I was in bed.  Yeah, great.  I’m glad to see it’s okay for her to say things about me so casually now that we aren’t together.  She said they were surprised.  I’m used to hearing that though.  Something about a white boy just screams he’s got a small dick and he sucks in bed.  Quite the contrary I like to believe, or so I’ve been told by those I’ve been with.  It’s like my self evaluation at work.  You have to give yourself props.  That’s exactly what I’m doing.  What was the comment that I once heard?  “If you can convert a lesbian…”  Okay, enough with the ego.

 

I’ve got over 3 weeks of PTO.  Almost to 1 months worth.  I know there are plenty that have more, but I would like to use some of it someday.  I want to use it to go to Disneyland.  New brakes, new tires, windshield replaced because of that little chip that’s just enough to drive me nuts, and I’m there.  I’m sure CSA girl can hold down the fort while I’m gone.  I really will just forward all the e-mails to her.  And how was I snobby while in Wisconsin?  I still didn’t catch that part…

 

I’m tired.  No wonder, it’s almost 10:30.  Well, I suppose I’ll post this and get to bed.  I miss talking to Dr. B, PPE, Batlover, and all those I don’t hear from.  I got an e-mail from SakiWan the other day, but after my response, I never heard back again.

 

Sweet Dreams all…I’ll catch you on the flip side.

 

Dreamer

I think I could sum it all up for her: fuck off Jonathan.  How much I wish that wasn’t the truth.  Sometimes, I guess I don’t realize how much we were on the same page.  When I asked the question of, “have you ever failed at something because you tried so hard”, I was thinking that because that is how I felt at that exact moment.  And when she answered yes, I was kind of shocked, but not really.  But I was really shocked when she said “right this moment”.  Another example of us being on the same page.  Was it that I read it so fast, was it that I was embarrassed about who I am and my past, or was it the fact that I had made so many stupid decisions up to that point and that was just another one to add to the list?  If I could take it all back I would.  Would I go back to the beginning and undo anything?  Absolutely not.  I was told I have the opportunity to make it all better, but do I?  I guess she’s right about me.  That insecurity shined through, and ultimately that may have been my demise.  One thing.  It is such a universal song.  I’m sorry.  All this time, I thought you were somebody you were not, hoping you were somebody I wanted you to be, then, when you realize she is, but she just doesn’t always show it, it’s too late, because you already fucked that all up.  Like a freight train coming your way.  Smack, that sure as hell felt like that 500 pound pendulum.  Always hate those moments of realization.  That feeling in the pit of your stomach where you just lost something that you never had, again.  Practice makes perfect.  I thought that being open and honest would help, but I’m not so sure.  How I felt was that I would have done anything, and I tried very hard to do anything.  It’s not that it was unappreciated, as that wasn’t accurate, as she was.  She told me so several times over.  The problem was that I wasn’t getting what I wanted, was the “I would do anything” feeling back.  I didn’t need anything nearly to that extent.  But what I felt I was doing was wrong.  I felt like I couldn’t touch you, I felt like I couldn’t say what I wanted, as I didn’t want to do anything wrong.  Did I worry too much?  Did I read more into things?  Probably both.  I don’t know what I can do about it now.   And if I was that lucky, just to have a smidgen of a chance to do something to make it all better, what could I do?  What could I change?  How does history not repeat itself?  I made the comment about making sure it wasn’t you because I was trying so hard, and it felt like I was hitting a wall.  And if I gave up, I just didn’t want to think it was because I didn’t try hard enough.  I wanted to know that you just didn’t want that, and that was all.  Maybe I moved to fast, maybe I got jealous (yes, I did).  Now I know why you asked the questions about the JenJen and Cookie.  Because I feel exactly the same now.  I have for awhile now.  Sometimes you are so busy looking at what you don’t have, you don’t realize what you do have.  But at the same time, you can analyze something to death and not see what it really is that it has to offer.  I guess the problem was I always never got you.  I never understood you.  I was told to just enjoy it and not think about it, but I couldn’t.  One moment I think she is too immature for me, why?  Who the hell knows?  Probably because you haven’t had as much life experience as I have.  But I’ve since realized that it doesn’t mean shit.  Because other times you are light years ahead of me.  Stupid me for not realizing that fact.  You are beyond what I can even fathom, and I’m disappointed in myself for not realizing that fact.  It’s such a feeling of disappointment I have that words cannot describe.  A page worth of straight text and I can’t describe it.  I guess I just didn’t feel like you noticed I was trying.  I was worried about looking like an idiot for calling too often, or for calling too little.  I just worried about every little detail.  Because that is what I do.  Worry.  I worried about not getting you something nice, I worried that if I did get you something nice that you’d expect it.  I worried, worried some more, then when I was done with that, I kept worrying.  Please tell me I’m wrong.  Tell me that I couldn’t sum it up into a few words: You fucked it all up Jonathan.  Nice try though…

 

I never knew how she felt.  And I never will.

8 hours.  That’s how much time I just spent with her.  We finished Gattaca.  We watched Brokedown Palace.  And we also watched Thanks of a Grateful Nation.  Next time, assuming there is one, it’ll be Vanilla Sky and Bowling For Columbine (or so I say).  Although Bowling for Columbine wouldn’t be my first choice, it seems to fit what she likes to watch.  I think she would appreciate it.  Again, assuming there is a next time.  Sometimes I just wish I was Mel Gibson in What Women Want.  The ability to know what she is thinking.  If it was only for a limited time, would I waste it all on her (notice I said "waste" and not "use", what's up with that?), or would I bring everybody in front of me all at once?  I just wish I had a read on her.  Do things really change, or do they only change in my head?  Or do things change because they change in my head?  I held back my emotions during the second movie.  Had to play that strong guy role (I’m gay, remember?)  Well, the third one, which was three hours, was just as brutal.  I can say with confidence now that she doesn’t get me.  And if she does, she doesn’t show it or say it.  The difference before is when I thought she didn’t get me, I said something, and she opened right up and made me realize she completely understands whatever it is that I may be thinking.  I enjoy her company, ironically (because I feel unhappy right now), it seems like I enjoy her company more than she enjoys mine.  She just seems closed up and distant.  She doesn’t talk like she used to, she doesn’t call at all hours of the night.  I’m not sure.  I don’t seem to know anything anymore.  Just enjoy it dammit.  If only it were that simple…

 

I have plenty of alcohol at my house now.  I bought a replacement bottle of wine.  I bought some Pucker, some Bud Light, and I still have a few Smirnoff twists.  What the hell am I supposed to do with any of it?  I don’t even drink…

 

Your comment was cryptic there Kolohegirl.  TDM is back in town for one day and he is rubbing off on you.  Hopefully you don’t get sick like him.  Thanks for the VPN answer.  I saw the import option, so I’ll connect and do that soon.  I was serious that I really don’t care.  I was just typing my thoughts, and work is always in my thoughts.  I enjoy our late night sessions.  I’m winding down, and I know you are always up.  Except last night of course, when you conveniently went to bed at 9 pm on a Friday night.  Thanks for waking up to chat, I appreciate that.  Wait, did I say appreciate?  Sorry, I take it back…

 

I’m going to brunch tomorrow with Batlover and Lisa.  Batlover will be leaving to Guatemala in July, and Lisa I guess will be going to California in June.  Tomorrow is fucking Jay’s birthday.  I’ve called him a couple times to harass him.  I’ll call tomorrow and sing him Leesha’s Happy Birthday song.

 

I know a few more IT people have found their way to Xanga.  I’m not sure that they have found me yet, and that is fine by me.  I think I would prefer it that way, but no worries.  Again, I’m on the fucking internet.  What do you expect?  I can learn all about hunting, the nudist lifestyle, and maybe a little bit about somebody that Cookie and I went out to dinner with a long time ago.  We went to Macayo’s and she brought her girlfriend (more like sex toy).  I thought she was bisexual, but she may just be gay.  Who knows?  Who cares?  Anyway, it’d be cool to hear about her thoughts, as she kind of amazes me.

 

The match girl asked me if I’d like to meet tomorrow night for coffee or something.  I think I would like to do that.

 

Well, I cleaned up the house pretty well today, only to make a mess in the kitchen when Mystery Girl was here.  Yeah, even I’m getting kinda perturbed calling her by that name.  I remember when it used to be all about me… What’s funny, is the things she’s worried about with everybody else, is what she should worry about most with herself.  I don’t even think she realizes that fact.

 

I think I want to hire my cleaning people again.  Cookie still uses them, but I sure could too.

 

I saw that I had plenty of spelling, grammar and punctuation errors in what I typed last night.  I think those can be contributed to being really tired, but today, not fixing them was due to laziness.

 

I guess I’ll be going to sleep now.  I woke up early this morning, and forced myself to sleep another hour to 9:30.  But all I got was a headache.  Oh, and she made it here at about 2:59.  Yup, just as expected.  Granted I talked to her at about 1:30, as she was running her errands on her way here, but she just barely made it in her 1-2ish timeframe.  Anyway, I’ll finish my Code Red, and I guess go to sleep.  Not the most exciting post, I know, sorry.  Here’s some good gossip to keep you reading: Did I ever tell you about my threesome?  It happened twice.  And the third person was not the same person both times.  Just a tease about what I could be writing.  There is so much I don’t even get into on here yet.  Keyword: yet.  Maybe someday.  I hope I dream well, as that could make up for a few things.  Sweet Dreams…

Due to some graphic violence, viewer discretion is advised…that’s like sweet music to my ears…as that means 24 is starting… 

 

Oprah is #2 most complained about behind Janet Jackson-way to go Stern fans.  Let’s be sure to spread the love to the FCC.  Let’s get that jackass out of office.  I still support the troops, just not him.  President Bush sucks, and before you spout off the “we’re free to say that because we are Americans” stuff, it’s not like he personally made that happen, it was established before him.  And at the rate he’s going, I soon won’t be able to say that. 

 

Mother’s Day…I don’t think we take the time to appreciate them.  From conception to birth, through breast feeding, potty training, school, friends, sex, drugs, rock and roll, all the stuff they have to go through.  There is always the love they have for you.  They would give their life for you in a heartbeat.  They do anything for you.  We just don’t appreciate them enough…Take a moment and tell her you love her.  Yeah, it can be tough, and even weird for some, but we need to do it.  Just fucking do it, myself included.  Just think back to all the times they were there for you.  There will always be the downtimes, when things could have been better, but those by no way will outweigh the times she was there for you.  Well, unless your mom gave you Pepsi in your bottle.  Did she really do that Lisa???  Even then, at least you got soda, I was denied that for a lot of my childhood.  At the very least you should thank her for that!

 

I was approached by someone inquiring if I would be interested in another job.  I’d have plenty to learn, but I think my boss would kill me.  I’ll have to work out the money deal, as I’d have to make sure it is not a pay cut.  But if the position is hourly, and I make the overtime pay, with the hours I work now and what I make at an hourly rate I could bring in some serious dough.  I went to Subway with him today and talked about it.  Ironically, half of IT was there too.  Not exactly peace and quiet.  Time will tell how it all works out…

 

Okay Batlover.  Make it Match.com whore # 3.  It gets better, as she was a funeral director.  Not anymore though, although she’s been doing that for the last four years, she’ll be changing career paths next week.  She got a new job at an eye doctor’s office.  She e-mailed me, and we’ve been exchanging e-mails ever since.  She’s 30 years old, and has 2 cute dogs.  She seems very mature and well educated, but that is based solely on text.  We exchanged numbers, and stated that we would like to get together in person sometime.  We’ll see…

 

Dearest AprilLynn-John Mayer-I’ve heard a few of his songs.  I figured it would be somebody like that.  I’m always flirty, and as for Mystery Girl…well, we’ll just see how that goes…  In exactly what context did the nurse use the word kittywompus?  Couldn’t help but notice the capitalization of the “G” in your post as well.  Do you get dizzy with anything medical, or just child birth?  Was it a good free cookie?  And do you not watch 24 after American Idol?  Okay, enough questions…  I have a small barrier of distance to worry about first before I start thinking about competition.  But hey, I’m from there, I’ve got lots of family there, and our subcontractor for work is there, so I may just be there again soon.  I have video conferences with them everyday, and I always get an update on the weather report.  But I’ll get to work on that distance thing.  First thing on my list, get rid of time zones.

 

Real life Malcolm in the Middle-that’s what it was like at my mom’s house last weekend.  I watched her yell at the kids, and it was like watching me as a kid in a third person point of view.  It was interesting.  I don’t have recommendations though, as I don’t know if what she does is right or wrong.

 

Mystery Girl is going to a baseball game with me next week.  My sister and her boyfriend, my other sister and her fiancé and my mom will be there.  This ought to be fun.  I didn’t think her meeting my family was a big deal, but everybody else seems to think so.  My bad.  I can just imagine the smile on Dr. B’s face as she reads this… I can’t help but think of that stupid ass movie: “You’ll shoot your eye out kid”, that’s the one movie I can’t stand.  And technically, she was right, it is possible, right?  Be careful not to squint to hard to read this, as you might need a stronger prescription…

 

Mystery Girl is also supposed to come over for dinner and a movie marathon type thing tomorrow.  No set of movies in particular.  She just wants to veg out.  She suggested getting Cheesecake Factory to go, then just eating here and hanging out.  I need to get a camera so I can take a picture of the mirror so I can rub that stuff off.  That stuff being the lipstick comments from Batlover and now Cookie (Cookie recently added “He’s mine ho!” to the mirror.  If I’m actually going to have people over that I stand a slight chance with, I’d like to have it gone.  Even though Mystery Girl already saw it (I left it on there because I told Batlover I would do it at least once for a possible real date).  She’ll be here, as I won’t lose the footrub bet with Lisa.  She’ll show up, and she is not “all talk”.  She’ll probably be late, as she said 1-2ish.  She clarified the “ish” part, and 2:59 is still 2ish.  I think she’ll show up, but that just means I have to clean, but not if she really is just a figment of my imagination like some think…

 

It’s been a week since I posted.  Why?  Work.  It sucks.  I don’t even want to talk about all the shit I have to do.  I’m taking on web portal now for Leesha.  Too much to do, and not enough time.

 

And Terry wants to invite me over for dinner some night.  That would be cool.  His fiancé made coffee cake this morning and he brought me some.  That was cool.  It was most delicious.  I’m happy to hear that she knows me, as it must mean he vents about me to her, as I do about him on here.  The damn desktop application has been down like every damn morning for one reason or another.  Between us and our Wisconsin counterparts, something always goes wrong (always a network issue).  I get on top of people to fix it right away, and I’m sending the e-mails from the Service Desk myself now.  But STILL.  How hard is it to keep the damn app up and running?  I’m putting it on my calendar to check it every morning before I leave for work.  That way I don’t have to worry about it.  He wants to send an e-mail to all employees asking if Mystery Girl or Cookie is out there, and to please respond.  It’s eating away at him…

 

Oh, speaking of eating away.  The ants that Mike Roberts (the guy that doesn’t do anything but is paid as a consultant and has that fucking earpiece in his ear all day from his cell phone) has are entertaining.  They all sleep together at night, and they have an average life span of I think 7 years.  It may be 4, and queens live a lot longer.  Well, not his ants.  2 are done for already, but its fun to watch them dig their tunnels.  And just the curiosity is sparks is fun.  Thanks to Google we get answers.  We talked about Google plenty too.  As we use it everyday to keep us entertained by finding answers to those questions that bother us: can charisma be learned (yes), where does “go pound sand” come from (from mid-west, put sand in rat holes to kill them, it’s trivial work, same as go fly a kite, go play in traffic).  Google has cached pages.  That’s cool.  We were talking about the number of servers they have (in the XX thousands), and terabytes of space.  It’s really interesting keeping us entertained at work.

 

I got the car back.  Yeah, let’s not talk about it.  But I was driving today and was listening to Aura.  It was the first time since she left that it really hit me hard again.  Not sure exactly what it was.  It was just hard.  I talked to Nicole again today.  She’s really a nice person, and I know she really misses her too.  It was just hard, and I wish I knew why…

 

I’m probably “fucking Jonathan” to some, but such is life…

 

Batlover, yes, Lisa is a little whack.  But no more than anybody else dealing with what she is dealing with.  Although she has changed, I also think the expectations we as outsiders put on her has to be reviewed.  Whatever happened to “no expectations”?  We say it, but doing it can be much more difficult…

 

TDM is sick.  He sounded horrible as I talked to him on the phone (he was driving home from the airport).  It must be nice to be back in Phx, get to your home, get in your bed.  That would be nice.  Hey, since Lisa’s husband thinks I’m gay anyway (the secret must be out) you should come over and try out my bed.  Batlover, Lisa, Kolohegirl, and Mystery Girl all think it is really comfy.  It’s funny how they all say it.  Some of them repeatedly.  You should be next, as we all know I’m just waiting for a guy to try it out.  Nothing like an older man.  Okay, I’m going to make myself sick, only so much typing I can do there.  Oh, and Mystery Girl doesn’t really exist to some.  I love Xanga.  I thought I was fucked up enough, and this place only enhances the thoughts! 

 

I had a nice hour long conversation with Cookie outside her place on Sunday.  I don’t even know where to start.  The few things I remember was that I couldn’t give her an answer on why I have this site, also, if she had to change one thing in her life and it couldn’t be miniscule, what would it be?  I quote: “Let’s go with her”.  That was her answer.  As in, let’s hire the other chick and not him.  Could you imagine where my life would be now?  This place wouldn’t exist (it was a recommendation by Kolohegirl).  And if it did, nobody reading it would be here except for SakiWan and my brother’s girlfriend (my brother thinks he’s too much of a man to read it or some stupid excuse like that).  I told her about JB, not the gory details, but that her intuition was right.  It wasn’t a big deal, at least not now.  I clarified that it was the emotional intimacy that was wrong, as luckily (now) we didn’t have the physical intimacy (but don’t get me wrong, it was fucking hard not to [For both of us])  Cookie still doesn’t have this site.  I helped her build a web page for school.  I even took time out of my work day to make sure it got uploaded via FTP.  It was a pain in the ass.  She has no clue how much time it took.

 

I don’t think Mystery Girl gets it.  Careful Dr. B.  I wasn’t finished yet.  I don’t think she gets what I’m thinking, the work I go through for her, nor do I think she fully appreciates it.  Hey, maybe this is how Kolohegirl feels toward me.  Unappreciated?  Anyway, today I helped her with her self evaluation.  I know it kicked ass, because I’m always good at those things.  She really liked it too.  But that meant more to her then the time I take out of my day to do other things for her.  Like I said, I don’t think she realizes how much work some things are: Dr’s faxes, doughnuts, Starbucks, Subway, etc.  I pissed her off today as I interrupted her as we were debating the impact of marijuana.  I compared it to alcohol, as I don’t think it’s anymore of an issue than that.  She disagreed, but I dropped the argument, as I don’t know that it was worth my time.

 

Lisa: “It’s like the fucking newspaper, gotta open it up and see what he had to say.”  I’m glad I provide entertainment, or something like that to some.  Sorry Kolohegirl, and PPE.

 

PPE: I had a nice dinner tonight with you.  Sorry double “A” Aaron sucked again tonight.

 

I rode the horse tonight.  She was proud of me.  Hell, I was proud of me.  Dr. B sure as hell better be proud of me.  I got her to walk, trot, and run (is it run or some other name?).  It was kick ass.  I was like a younger, hotter, sexier Kiefer Sutherland.  HA!  I was singing my Kid Rock “Cowboy” song as I was on her, it was funny.  She was impressed as she stated TDM was scared of horses.  I did think it was not cool to call and rub it in that I was doing that, as he was sick and I’m sure he could care less.  I mean, that would be the last thing I would want to hear about if I was him.  Well, I got to give her and the other horses treats.  Her name is Dyna or Dina.  Not sure on the spelling.  She tried to act all stupid with me, but I had to do some confidence builders to trick myself into believing I could do it (I talked trash to the horse, I know, pathetic).  But by giving myself confidence, it made her do what I told her to.  It was a lot of fun.  The night was pretty, we (aka not me) washed her off and she used a squeegee thing to make sure she wouldn’t drip with water afterwards.  It was a very educational experience.  I truly am living each day to the best.  It’s a great feeling.  Abre los ojos.  I’m doing just that, as much as possible.

 

Okay, I’m so falling asleep typing this, but I kept going, because I didn’t think Kolohegirl would let me survive if I didn’t type something.  Sorry it wasn’t 14 pages.  Does this mean I can’t get Support-Wireless (not Wireless-General, I have that) added to my VPN access, as I still can’t Dameware onto a machine via VPN.  Can you fix that?  I’ll appreciate you and everything!  I’m kidding, I’m so tired of work.  I want to go to Disneyland.  I’m getting closer to that, as I have an advertisement at my desk.  Oh, but about that list…yeah, did we do anything that meant we can cross something off?  Or did we not add that stuff to the list?  Didn’t they make a Ghost Ship 2?  I gotta see that… 

 

Have a good night all…

 

-Dreamer-

I’ve been quiet today.  Humbled if you will.  After last night, and waking up this morning.  I haven’t been quite the same.  It’ll be unfortunate if/when this feeling passes.  Because next week I’ll be bitching about work again, worrying too much about what I worry about, and just stressing in general.

 

I was awoken to a call from my sister.  She was heading over to my mom’s house to pick up my niece.  My niece has a cheer competition today.  It’s at a high school quite a ways from here, Central High School I believe.  Although I was unable to attend because I planned on going out with Mystery Girl this afternoon, I wanted to get over there to see her off.  I was also supposed to go to You’reTooWhiteForMe’s daughter’s birthday party today.  However, I chose Mystery Girl above both.  Until seeing her, I decided to catch my niece before she headed out.  Unfortunately, after showering, shaving, and taking Tigger outside, I was unable to be there before she left.  I still went over to my mom’s house, as I could at least visit with her even if the rest of them weren’t there.  It turns out my mom was having a garage sale, which was ironic because Queer Eye at work bought a crappy phone from a garage sale (I know because it didn’t work when he tried calling into a conference call using it).  What was even more ironic, is that as I walked up to the garage, Dido was playing on the radio.  Another Queer Eye irony.

 

I should go back in time an hour or so, because as I was taking Tigger for his walk, I finally “officially” met Karen.  Karen has a dog named Dreyfuss.  Dreyfuss had lymphoma (a type of cancer).  He was having radiation therapy and is almost all better.  Although I’ve seen both of them before, this was the first time we’ve exchanged actual conversation.  Tigger often sees Dreyfuss, as Dreyfuss sits out on his patio, and Tigger on ours, and they can sit and stare.  Regardless, I was able to meet her today.  Just as TDM says: “I saw the lady today, from all sides!”  Unlike your lady, my lady is human, although she is beautiful as well.  She told me about a dog park that is nearby where we live.  I may check it out…as that would be nice to know about if we ever have another conversation.

 

Well, I’m at Einstein’s.  I was supposed to see Mystery Girl this afternoon.  It was funny, when Lisa called this morning she told me to make sure I’m ready and looking good, as I wouldn’t want to be late.  I told her that wouldn’t be a problem, as Mystery Girl is always late.  It’s funny, as she even mentioned on one of her posts “he was being difficult because I was like 5 minutes late…”  She wasn’t talking about me, as I’m not difficult when she is late.  I think it is cute, as I’ve come to expect it.  It could be anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour.  In fact, we were supposed to get together at 1.  It’s now almost 3.  I know she was busy doing stuff this morning, so I’m not concerned.  I just hope I get to see her tonight.

 

At the garage sale, I found an old book that I had by Carl Sagan.  Contact.  Most everybody has heard of the movie with Jodie Foster and Matthew McConaughey.  I thought it was a great movie.  Even though I love every movie.  The thoughts it brings to light about the difference between God and science.  I find it interesting that we capitalize the letter “G” in God.  I know it is a name, and thus it is capitalized.  Same with Lord.  What is interesting even more so, is that when we refer to Him, we capitalize the “H”.  Who decided that?  I find it interesting that it is proper to capitalize any reference to Him.  If I was to believe that God was female, would the “H” be capitalized in Her?  MS Word didn’t find me spelling him as Him as incorrect, but spelling her as Her is incorrect.  I wonder why.  Probably for that exact reason.  That since God can be referred to as Him, let them capitalize it, since they have no reason to capitalize her unless it is at the beginning of a sentence, mark it as an error.  How would you like to be the individual at Microsoft that made that decision?  What if the person was Atheist, would they have fought making the change?  Is Atheist even capitalized?  It is now…  Don’t you love my thoughts during the day?  FYI-I used Atheist simply as an example, as that belief system does not accurately reflect how I feel.

 

One should note that when I was younger I always aspired to be a scientist.  Regardless of the cheesy fact that it spawned from watching the movie Ghostbusters, it’s what I yearned to become.  Although it never came to be in the official sense, in many ways it is a pinnacle that I have reached in some regard.  I take a scientific approach to scores of things I do, including my life both at work and at home.  Here are some excerpts both from Sagan and myself that state my beliefs perfectly:

 

I find Jesus Christ an admiral historical figure…I wish he were alive today.  It would benefit everybody on the planet.  But I think Jesus was only a man.  A great man, a brave man, a man with insight into unpopular truths.  But I don’t think he was God or the son of God or the grandnephew of God.

 

If I was to be asked straight out do I believe in God: The question has a peculiar structure.  If I say no, do I mean I’m convinced God doesn’t exist, or do I mean I’m not convinced he does exist?  Those are two very different statements.

 

Occam’s razor: all things being equal the simplest answer tends to be the right one.  What's easier to believe?  An all powerful mysterious God created the universe then decided not to give any proof of his existence, or that he simply doesn't exist at all and that we created him, so we wouldn't have to feel so small and alone?

 

God is a folktale born out of the collective fear of the unknown.  The truth is out there.  Trust no one.

 

There are 400,000,000,000 stars out there in our galaxy alone.  If only one out of a million of those had planets, and if just one out of a million of those had life, and if just one out of a million of those had intelligent life, there would be literally millions of civilizations out there.  And if there wasn't...it would be an awful waste of space.

 

I want you to understand that I’m not attacking anybody’s belief system.  As far as I’m concerned, you’re entitled to any doctrine you like.

 

The reason scientific skepticism was developed is that the world is complicated.  It’s subtle.  Everybody’s first idea isn’t necessarily right.  Also, people are capable of self-deception.  Scientists, too.  All sorts of socially abhorrent doctrines have at one time or another been supported by scientist, well-known scientists, brand-name scientists.  And, of course, politicians.  And respected religious leaders.  Slavery, for instance, or perhaps the Nazi brand of racism.  Scientists make mistakes, theologians make mistakes, everybody makes mistakes.  It’s part of being human.  Everybody says it.  ‘To err is.’

 

So, the way you avoid the mistakes, or at least reduce the chance that you’ll make one, is to be skeptical.  You will still make the mistakes, as was said before, ‘to err is human’.  But you test the ideas.  You check them out by rigorous standards of evidence.  I don’t think there is such a thing as a received truth.  But when you let the different opinions debate, when any skeptic can perform his or her own experiment to check some contention out, then the truth tends to emerge.  That’s the experience of the history of science.  It isn’t a perfect approach, but it’s the only one that seems to work.

 

When looking at religion, there are a lot of contending opinions.  Christianity thinks the universe is a finite number of years old.  It’s also clear that some Christians as well as some Jews and Muslims think that the universe is only six thousand years old.  The Hindus think that the world is infinitely old, with an infinite number of subsidiary creations and destructions along the way.  They can’t all be right.  Either the universe is a certain number of years old, or it’s infinitely old.  Or, is it?  Walking close to the path of that of Hindus beliefs, one could still argue that it could be both, if it is created, then is destroyed, only to be created again.  In that instance, each time it is recreated, it is 0 years old.  God seems to have told each religion something different.  The major religions on Earth contradict each other left and right, and they can’t all be correct.  And what if they are all wrong?  As even that is a possibility.  The only way to get through to the truth is to be skeptical.  Only difference is in scientific work, they are referred to as hypothesis, and not inspiration and revelation.  Although they should be talking to each other, religions seem to only seem to talk to themselves.

 

And there are those that believe the Bible speaks to our time.  Israel and the Arabs, Gog and Magog, America and Russia, nuclear war.  It’s all supposedly there in the Bible.  Which note is also capitalized.  You don’t have to be a college professor to see how it relates to everyday life.  Failure of imagination?  The prophecies are in most cases, vague, ambiguous, imprecise.  They are open to countless interpretations.  The passages that seem to be fulfilled are the ones that are quoted.  The rest are left, disregarded and ignored.  And don’t forget that the purpose in looking was the driving hunger to see prophecy fulfilled.

 

If this omnipotent, omniscient, compassionate God really wanted to leave a record for future generations, to make his existence unmistakably known, it would be easy and trivial.  Such as the Sun is a star.  Or Mars is a rusty place with deserts and volcanos.  Regardless of the specifics, the idea is, that if God wanted to send us a message, and ancient writings were the only way he could think of doing it, he could have done a better job.  And he hardly had to confine himself to writings.  Why isn’t there a monster crucifix orbiting Earth?  Why isn’t the surface of the moon covered with the Ten Commandments (again, capitalized)?  Why should God be so clear in the Bible and so obscure in the world?  Is the nightly prayer and conversation you have with God recorded somewhere so we can verify it really happened?  Or do we only have your say-so?

 

God can do anything.  Anything not understood, is attributed to God.  God is where we sweep away all the mysteries in the world, all the challenges to our intelligence that cannot yet be solved by Science.  We simply turn off our minds and say God did it.

 

Some think that the religious leaders are corrupting millions, and some likely think the same of the scientists: corrupting millions.

 

Some see being Agnostic as being Atheist, but without the courage behind the convictions.  To some, Agnostic simply means that the evidence is not in.  There isn’t compelling evidence that God exists, and there isn’t compelling evidence that he doesn’t.  Since more than half the people on Earth are not Jews, or Christians, or Muslims, I’d say that there are no compelling arguments for any kind of god.  Otherwise, everybody on Earth would have been converted.  I say again, if God exists, and wanted to convince us, he could have done a much better job.  When you see a child born, we all see it.  Muslims, Hindus, Christians, Athiests.  Identical information.

 

We won’t mention the fact that the North Star is only the North Star for a few thousand years.  Every 26,000 years the place in the sky to which the North Pole points makes a complete circle.  So, if we were navigating around ten thousand years ago, during the ice age, many hunters may owe their life to the fact that the brightest star in the sky just happened to be exactly to the north.  Was it divine providence, or was it timing?

 

Take a pendulum that weighs 500 pounds.  Faith in science says that how far it will swing away from the vertical position can never increase.  It can only decrease.  I would be willing to go put my nose right up on it, let go, have it swing away then back toward me.  If my beliefs are wrong, I’ll get a 500 pound pendulum smack in the face.  But would faith in God be the same?  To stand a foot closer to this same pendulum and pray to God to shorten the swing?  What if you were wrong?

 

The Bible-a book of morals.  God-keeps us ethically on the right track.  Good versus evil.  It keeps us in check.  Nothing wrong with that.

 

We all have a thirst for wonder, and we all fear the unknown.  It’s truly a deep human quality.  Science and religion are both bound up with it.  We don’t have to make stories up, we don’t have to exaggerate.  There’s wonder and awe enough in the real world.  Nature’s a lot better at inventing wonders than we are.  Just as it was put the other day but in a different context: Enjoy it dammit!

 

Ferris Bueller: Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around every once in awhile, you might miss it.

 

No, last night’s post was not a result of a nightmare.  I feared for my life.  I’ll be okay, and if I’m not, well, reference that post.  Although the foundation that prompted the post is still there, I can’t live my life in fear.  Everyday to its fullest.  I was told my post was short, cryptic, and very TDMish. 

 

I know I’ve said that just because I don’t mention JB, doesn’t mean that I don’t think of her.  That is true for both her and for Aura.  I think and listen daily. 

 

Most people have to schedule things around me, and now I’m the one doing the scheduling.  She just seems too busy for me.  She also thought I may get hate mail after tonight.  I doubt it.  Although I'm sure I may have caught a few off guard, I'm not worried.  This place is for me.  I know I didn't catch Dr. B off guard.  She is my omnipotent, omniscient, lunch eating, 24 watching, bestest friend.  She even looks like the band geek from American Pie (no more hints TDM).  I didn't see Mystery Girl today, but I talked to her several times.  Perhaps tomorrow, even though tomorrow is now today.

 

Okay, heavy eyes.  Sleepy time.  With all the thought of space and the universe, I’m hoping for nothing but the sweetest of dreams.  I wish the same to each of you…

The best thing for me is rest.  I need to not worry, but relax and get some sleep.  Less pizza, more water.  That will be the secret.  I was scared.  I don’t want to think about it now, reference sentence #2.  I can rest assured that although I would be disappointed, as I wasn’t finished, I would feel confident that I lived my life well.  Without the sour, the sweet just ain’t as sweet.  Vanilla Sky.  My lucid dream option…  So many things happened today, I don’t dare mention one, as then I’ll have to mention them all.  And everything just meant so much to me.  Live each day like it is the last, as that will help ensure happiness.  Thank you all for coming into my life, as it wouldn’t be what it is without each of you.  And for those that touch my life that haven’t been here, well, maybe someday you’ll be able to find your way here.

 

Now I lay me down to sleep;

I pray the Lord my soul to keep;

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my soul to take.

 

I wish you each nothing but the best in life.  Sweet Dreams…

I’m emotional, although Cookie would just say I’m a pussy, to each his own.

 

Scrubs-has Mystery Girl ever watched it?  What would she think?  She’s a romantic, I would think she would be intrigued.  If only she had time for television…

 

Homeland Security-Just watching the movie brings back the tears from 9/11.  They stole the music from Bruckheimer’s Pearl Harbor.

 

Words can build a relationship, words can kill a relationship.  Sometimes a lack of words can do the same. 

 

It’s not the same.  What changed?  Don’t you wish you could always now when the defining moment was?  Not only in relationships, but in anything.    Sometimes the moments come, and you know this will be a crucial point in your life, others you have no idea until afterwards.  Many have past, yet many have still to come. 

 

Silence lets the mind wander.  For the good, but also for the bad.  The bad can bring up thoughts that can be hard to cope with.  Although in some instances it is only the imagination, that can be more than enough.  For unless you know the truth, the imagination will take over, and usually be far worse than fact. 

 

Let’s Roll.  Beamer.  Couldn’t help but think of that when watching the movie.  I TiVoed it about a month ago.  I just got around to watching it.

 

I worked the afternoon from Starbucks.  It was nice.  Taking away the environment also takes away a lot of the stress.  Even working from home still provides a lot of stress for me.

 

I’m sorry to those that I don’t pay enough attention to, or even talk to anymore.  You know who you are.  I’m not mad or upset with you.  I just have my own shit to work out.  Problem is, I always will.  At what point do I give up and just continue with life?  Anyway, I’m sorry…

 

Kolohegirl, I loved our little e-mail story today.  Someday it will come to be.  You’ll see…

 

Sometimes I just don’t know how I survived up to this point.  This too shall pass.  There was a point in my life where if I was to feel like this, one would contemplate suicide.  But that to me just seems like such a waste.  I mean, then what?  Then you have nothing.  What the fuck is the point in that?  There is no winning.  You live, you die.  Just as Dr. B says.  I don’t know how I’ve come to be the person that I am.  It is just a combination of so many things, obviously, but it can still be amazing and overwhelming at the same time.  I was asked today by Mystery Girl why I’m a picky eater.  I really have no clue.  I just don’t like anything.  I’ve always been like that for as long as I know, and my mom says I’ve always been like that too.  Who knows.  Everybody is commenting on the fact that I’ve lost weight.  It’s too bad I don’t see it as a compliment.  It would be different if I was trying.  I do feel bad for those that try to lose weight and can’t, just do have a dumbass like me have no problem when I’m not even trying.

 

I think work may just have me overwhelmed again.  Yes, again.  Either that, or I’m just fucked up in the head.  Does this sound like my post from that Monday yet?  I don’t know.  I’m going to get myself some sleep, so I don’t waste anybody’s time reading thoughts that are fruitless.  Good night…

I was laying down, my eyes closed.  Then I reached up to grab the laptop to type.  I started thinking about JB.  And although I still think of her just as often as I expected to, I just couldn’t stop myself from typing and mentioning her tonight.  There was a thing on both VH1 and MTV of Prince playing.  He was just strumming away on the guitar, and it was really beautiful.  It made me think of her, as both her and I just loved the sound of a guitar like that.  So plain, simple, and exquisite.  I haven’t heard from her but that one time since she left.  I’m not sure Nicole has either, except for on the 12^th.  I don’t talk to Nicole much at all, in fact, I sent her an e-mail just now to let her know that if she ever wants to chat to just send me an e-mail.  I really don’t talk to her now that JB is gone, and for that I apologized.  I hope all is going well with Nicole and her baby, and her husband as well.  She is showing more and more everyday.  I know JB was a little jealous, but that is to be expected.  I know she is genuinely happy for Nicole and her husband.  I was watching Scrubs tonight and it made me think of JB even more.  It’s such a great show.  I still have several OC’s to watch too.  I hope she is doing well, and although I’m still upset, I wish her the best…

 

I spoke with Terry tonight, and I read him my post from that horrible Monday I had back in March.  I guess he tells his fiancé about me, my site, and even a bit about Mystery Girl.  She got confused and thought that I was trying to set him up with a Mystery Girl of his own.  Not quite.  I did talk to him for a good hour or more.  Just to chat about everything with IVR, Desktop App, how stupid people at work can be, and all that jazz.  I don’t think he has any idea what type of person I am.  I think he has a different image of what I’m like outside of work, but that’s okay, as it is entertaining to hear.  He too, thought that Heidi, an employee for our subcontractor in Wisconsin, was being awfully nice to me lately.  He joked about her wanting some face time to resolve “issues”.  She did give me her home and cell phone numbers too.  Hmmm…interesting…I’m sure we’re reading way more into it…but hey, it’s great to entertain the thought…

 

I went to lunch with Dr. B again today.  It had been a long while.  It was nice, we have our guy ‘Paul’ at Pizza Hut.  How come we don’t get anything out of that connection?  We’ll have to see what we can do about that…  I watched my 24 tonight, as I slept right through it last night.  Like she said to me today, it was just as good as always, as it is 24.

 

Kolohegirl posted something the other night that I found touching:

 

ENJOY IT!!!

You have someone who cares for you and you care for her/him. Don't worry - just enjoy each other's company and count the days you spend together, not the days before you think that the feeling/magic is going to end.  (You can call me a hypocrite if you all happen across my other xanga - but until then, you can't prove it  )

You should feel lucky that you all even have someone that feels the same as you and love you for you.  Some people never get to experience that.  And if you have to wait, wait.  Two months is not long a time frame, and I quote from one of my fave *imadork* movies, "This is true love - you think this happens every day?"

Eh, maybe it isn't TRUE love but it still doesn't change anything. You guys are GAGA over each other.

Do me a favor and ENJOY IT  Dammit!

It was just really touching.  Although we will never know to whom she was addressing it, that is sometimes the best part.  The mystery.  No e-props will do that one justice.

 

I hate to delve into work, but the Desktop App is holding up.  No new issues since Monday.  So, two quiet days.  We are putting in a new build tonight, so we’ll see if it breaks tomorrow.  I’m taking a positive outlook.  Terry is now in Texas, as he is working with the IVR vendor there.

 

Not really sure how TDM is surviving in Tacoma.  I don’t hear much except for those few work issues.  I hear different things about Lisa everyday too.  One day she’s with him (the husband, or maybe ex-husband), the next she’s not, the next she is again.  Who knows.  Like you said, she has us for her reality check, she should use us.

 

Well, I’m sure I’ll have a conversation with Mystery Girl tonight.  She is having dinner with “the guy whose name I choose not to remember”.  It may be her last dinner with him.  We’ll see though…  I saw Churchboy was at the building after work today.  I just choose not to think of him much, as it’s just not worth my time.  Her and I were next to each other almost the entire way home.  We chatted on the phone along the way.  Jay would be proud, as I didn’t call her, I let her call me.  Okay, so I do play some minimal “games” if you will.  But I just don’t want to do all the work, but I don’t want her to either.  Somewhere in the middle is where it should be.  I haven’t heard from Jay, but it’s okay.  Because I’ve managed to piss off so many people lately.  I haven’t heard from Batlover, Lisa, even JenRed is quiet.  She in fact called me to get Batlover’s number.  So, other than that, I work, I talk to Mystery Girl, and I watch 24.  That’s about all that happens in my life.

 

Well, my eyes are getting heavy, and I need to be at work early tomorrow (yes, again).  I can’t bitch about my 65 hours per week that I work, because Eric states he is working close to 80 a week.  Never give Jim your home number.  He’ll call it and ask questions regardless of the time of day.  I did that fucking presentation to the government today too.  That was exciting.  So, it’s sleepy time.  I hope all is well with each of you.  Take Care,

 

JB

From last night…I’m posting it today:

 

I’m surviving.  It was a long hard day.  I got out of work, and I headed downtown.  I was there to watch a ceremony by the Mayor.  It was in honor of the Vietnam veterans.  April 30^th is now dedicated by Phoenix in remembrance of those that served in the Vietnam War.  Even though war was never officially declared, the sacrifices given were great.  It was sad to see how few people showed up.  I was there with Mystery Girl, as she invited me.  It prompted a lot of thoughts, but I just didn’t have the time to discuss them as I was listening.  It was a very educational experience.  I’m glad I went.

 

Afterwards, I gave in and had sushi.  Yeah, really.  Tell me about it.  I would be very happy never to do that again.  It was like fear factor.  But I held my own, and tried one of everything.  Afterwards we went to Barnes and Noble, grabbed some Starbucks coffee, and looked at books.  We found a book of questions.  It will be something that we both post are answers to.  You’ll see, I’m sure we’ll start soon.  It’s a good way to get to know somebody, or get a good conversation started.

 

I talked to Terry tonight, he seems to be on a mission to determine the identity of Mystery Girl.  It will never be known.  But I will, however, let him guess Cookie.  That’s one I’ll make an exception for, for him and him only.  I’ll string him along a little while longer though…

 

He spoke the other day about his proposal.  He had the pilot on an airplane ask for him.  It was adorable, and they had champagne ready and everything.  They were flying first class, I’m not sure to where, but it must have been a most memorable experience.  She (Ann is her name) has been sick lately.  I hope she is feeling better.  Those brownie or bar type things she made the other day were delicious.

 

MatchGirl #2 sent me a text message yesterday.  We’ll see if and when I get back to her…

 

The Desktop Application survived.  Well, at least in Phoenix.  I have no fucking clue what happened in Tacoma.  There are issues, but I don’t care to think of them right now.  Queer Eye bought us each a bottle of champagne.  That was really nice.  I can’t wait to bust that open either, but I’ve yet to even have some wine…

 

Yesterday was not the best of days, as you may have guessed by reading my post.  I just feel like I said all the wrong things to everyone.  And all my relationships took steps backwards.  With the exception of Kolohegirl.  She got smart, and didn’t answer her phone.  She knew the weekend was whack, so she ignored everybody, and gave herself some “me time”.  I talked to her today, and everything is cool.  That is good to know.  I just wish it was the same for everyone else I know.  I upset JenJen, Cookie, Batlover, even Mystery Girl.  Or so I think.  She was the kindest.  And it was her that helped turn it all around.  Granted it was late at night, but she did it.  She’s a little intense for me.  I just need more calmness.  I know, can you believe me saying that?  I’m like the most intense person I know.  On some levels she is beyond me, on others she is behind me.  It’s interesting.  I just keep going, and hope it all works out.  As that is all I can do.

 

I’m supposed to be at work at 5 am tomorrow.  Let’s see if that happens.  Doubt it.

 

Okay, the questions for tonight are: 

 

Would you rather be, a member of a world championship sports team, or be the champion of an individual sport?  Which sport would you choose?

 

First thought is to be a member of a sports team.  I just love celebrating with others.  We did it together.  Granted, doing it on your own is great, but who can you share the joy with?  Which sport?  I don’t know why, I just automatically had basketball in my head.  It’s just one that stands out as a great “team sport”.  It requires a lot of teamwork, more so I think than even baseball or football.  Not to downplay them, because I’d often rather play or watch them, I just think basketball is a great team sport.  And like I said, the celebration for the win would be a memory to remember.

 

Would you accept a million dollars to leave the country and never set foot in it again?

Part 2: If you were expelled from the country, and had only limited financial resources, where would you try to rebuild your life?

 

I would not accept a million dollars to leave the country.  No doubts.  Couldn’t do it.  It’s not even an American pride thing.  I just want to stay here.  I love America, and all there is to do…

 

However, if I was expelled from the country, and had only limited financial resources, where would I try to rebuild my life?  Either Canada or Australia.  My first thought was Canada because it is close to America, and I would think I would feel comfortable being close to home.  But I honestly think I’d be much happier overall in Australia.  That is my dream land.  Like I said, I want to honeymoon there, so why not live there if I had to?  Australia, final answer.

 

Well, there are my answers for tonight.  We’ll see what Mystery Girl has to say.  I’m going to get some rest now.  She’ll call soon and I’ll wake up to talk to her.  Have a goodnight…

I should have started writing this when I first got to work.  As that was when my mind was most active.  Although I didn’t make breakfast, we did make lunch.  We even went shopping so I could get a new shirt and tie.  It was a most enjoyable experience.  I tried to be sweet and buy a book of the collection of all the stories and poems of Edgar Allan Poe.  I’m not sure if it worked, especially because she already had the book.  Talk about your all time backfires.

 

Like I said yesterday, it’s sad when two people can’t be together for one reason or another.  Timing can sometimes be the worst thing.  Sometimes it is all about timing.  Just where people are in their lives.  It’s hard when one person is on one page, and the other is on another.  It’s even worse when the people think they are on the same page, only to find out over time they may not be.  It’s odd when they both want so bad for the same thing, but it can’t happen.  Why?  So many reasons.  On both sides.  She could be willing to give up her entire world for him, be everything he wants, but he just refuses to accept it.  Why?  Because he can’t believe it’s possible.  And as foolish as it may be, he won’t change things with his current relationships (or the lack of) to give it an opportunity.  For when he does, the moment has already passed.  By the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone.  Sometimes that’s exactly what I’m afraid of AprilLynn.  But sometimes it is me that recognizes the moment, and it is her that does not.  Role reversal.  It’s always been.  How can I know I don’t like sushi if I never try it?  Or will it be a self fulfilling prophecy that because I think I don’t like sushi that I won’t like it?  We paint our own picture.  We always have, we always will.  Granted, life will throw rocks in your path, but the path is always there, and you can always walk around them.  It is especially great to walk around them holding hands with the one you love.  She’s not the romantic, I am.

 

I’m back to feeling that I have so much love, and I just want to give it to someone.  But not anyone.  I mean, I know to the reader that thinks I’m whack, that I would give it to the next person that crosses my path.  However, contrary to the belief of some, that is not fact.  I, in fact, have had the opportunities, which I have passed up.  Why?  For many reasons, as they were not “the one”.  That is what I’m looking for.  I’ve been nothing but honest about that fact.  And to think that someone would ever think that I would be just like others, to search for something that can be obtained with a few hundred dollars, or just some spare time and dedication, is fucked up.  I put my heart out there.  I would give it all up.  One thing.  Full circle.  I’ve come full circle.  I’m in love with the idea of being in love.  And I have to stop to take a minute to laugh, as my brother called Jewel a bitch because she is a traitor.  (she changed song styles, and he hates that fact).  Have a little faith in me.  That’s the song.  And that’s the song that describes how I feel.  Not Push by Matchbox 20.  That’s not true.  So many songs describe how I feel.  Hence, Aura.  I just want to share it all with somebody.

 

Fucking Norah Jones.  Come away with me.  If only.  I can’t come away, I’m busy working.

 

How can we both read a book and talk about it if we can’t even finish a two hour movie and talk about it?

 

And what the hell was with the 17 messages?  My god, you would think you were a celebrity or something.  I guess I’m not the only one that is fascinated.

 

My thoughts are all over.  I verified the user accounts for the Desktop Application are in there.  I tested the e-mail, again.  I can only do so much preparation. 

 

TDM thinks he can handle it without the training.  I think he is right.  I built the application so a fucking monkey could navigate it.

 

I think Kolohegirl hates me.  I don’t know why I think that.  Am I right?  And please don’t say “whatever”.

 

Just like clockwork: You make me feel like I wanna be a dumb blonde in a centerfold, the girl next door…And I would open the door and I'd be all wet, with my tits soaking through this tiny little t-shirt...that I'm wearing, and you would open the door and tie me up to the bed…”

 

Sometimes I feel that someone would be honored to be with me.  How fucking egotistical is that?  It’s just that because I know I would do anything, I think that somebody would want that.  Come to find out, that is not the case.  And for the ones that do want that, it is for all the wrong reasons.  And those are the types I’ve passed up.  But then, one day, somebody that is not like that comes across that path.  And her?  She doesn’t want that.  Hence, the reason I sleep with the laptop.

 

I think I have issues.  I mean, if a psychologist read my posts from beginning to end, what would they say?  I’m human?  I’m no different than others?  Or that I need some serious help?  I think I need a vacation.  Anybody game?

 

I figured it out.  I know how it is she feels.  Because I’m going to feel that way real soon.  The point where it is not worth trying, because it will never work out?  Yeah, I’m going to be there sooner than I ever thought I would be.  What a horrible thought.  Here I am talking other people into not giving up, Batlover, Lisa, I’ve even mentioned it to JenRed, Cookie, and others.  Now it’s me that is going to need the pep talk.  I need to go to sleep, as I’ll be getting up at 2 am.  So, I’m going to post this, go home, and try to go to sleep.  I’m not tired, but I don’t have a choice.

 

I like the knitted, collared shirts that the company placed on our chairs.  I’d wear it tomorrow, but I already have my outfit planned.  It’s nice to feel appreciated.  The cheap bastards.  Give me a raise, not a fucking shirt.  But it’s still cool, it’ll hold me over until the next review…

 

I looked into hot air balloon rides today.  But I didn’t even get to ask if she was afraid of heights.  Probably because I realized my place, and that dreamer does just that: Dreams.