I connected the VPN.  Then disconnected.  I couldn’t get myself to open MS Outlook.  I was good today.  All day.  No e-mails, no phone calls.  I called CSA Girl one time and asked how it was going, and she didn’t know.  I’ll find out tomorrow (or later today I guess). 

 

I guess this is what it is all about.  Not the hypothetical people I’m sleeping with, not the Mystery Girls, not the people PPE tries to hook me up with at the bars.  This is what CSA Girl was telling me it was all about.  I’ve had many firsts since being single.  And I feel like what I’m going through here is most certainly a first.  I don’t even know what to do.  It’s cute how much I think about it and how nervous I get.  This is what it is all about.  She’s still sweet and innocent.  That still worries me.  But what doesn’t worry me?  Still no word on Utah yet.  She’s perplexed as its been a month and she hasn’t heard anything.  She thought she would at least hear that they weren’t going to offer her the job.  The conversation got interesting today.  Not intentional, but it went about kids, marriage, weddings all that stuff.  No worries, it was just conversation.  But it was interesting to learn.  It reminded me, this is how you learn things about people when you get into relationships with them.  It’s been a long while since I went through this.  I don’t even remember going through this with Cookie.  And to be honest, Cookie and I hooked up for a different purpose (i.e. not for a relationship, more for a good time that never ended).  I gave her the movie in the quality male wrapping job, with the Tarzan and Jane card (I wish I had scanned it).  It went over well, as she didn’t have the movie on VHS.  So, now she starts her DVD collection with “Big”.  It took a few phone calls to track it down, but I found it.  We went and saw the new Harry Potter movie.  Prisoner of Azakaban.  It was very good, just like the other movies.  I don’t know how good the books can be, as the movies are very good.  I love the John Williams’ music.  In the opening scene, it just tells you, you are about to watch a Harry Potter movie, it’s a great feeling.  I know, I never would have thought I’ve been into the movies as much as I am.  Well, after the movie we came back to my place so she could meet Tigger.  I showed her my “worry” picture.  It’s the picture of me as a kid, holding a football wearing #32.  With just a look of worry on my face.  That’s me.  Always worrying.  Well, after hanging out here and showing off my new Hawaiian Starbucks coffee mug (I so love it), we went out to dinner.  We went to the Olive Garden (courtesy of Jim).  We chatted, then I took her home.  She invited me for the movie that she rented (Welcome to Mooseport).  It was a good movie.  Yes, I watched the movie.  Yes, the whole movie.  But I will say that she is still sweet and innocent.  Her touch, her kiss.  I just love the feeling I get when I’m with her.

 

I’m going to have to break PPE’s heart.  I don’t know that I can go on Friday.  I figure if I break it to her now, she has a week to get used to it.  Versus if I tell her on Friday, well, either way she’ll be pissed at me.  And honestly, it’s not that I can’t go, it’s that I don’t feel right going.  I know your friends are going to be there.  I know Shelley will be there as well.  I don’t need to be hooked up.  But don’t worry, I’ll get Mike from Provider Services to go out with you.  And even the next guy.  You don’t need to hook me up with somebody in return.  I just don’t think I can go…

 

I’m happy Kolohegirl is back from Hawaii.  I’m not kidding about wanting to smack him upside the head, but I think I vented my frustrations with him out on you already.  Oh, but he might read this.  In that case…  no, I’ll be nice.  I’m glad your back, I enjoyed The Rock, your company, and nurse K-Girl as well. 

 

I called Cookie the other day.  She was difficult with me, as she’s been short ever since our movie and dinner.  I’ve tried calling her a few times, to be a friend, but it hasn’t really worked.  She doesn’t say anything.  And I can only say so much, so, it’s a very quick conversation.  I wish I could be here for her.  The two cards I got on my birthday were from my ex-girlfriends.  What does that say?

 

I love your posts.  I feel I completely understand what you are saying, or how you feel, the problem is, I don’t give anything in return.  I loved reading about the real “Seeger”.  And now that I read how you write about him, I most certainly do not have a problem being “Little Seeger”.

 

I need to go to sleep.  I’m so tired.  I wish I could stay up all night and talk to her or even post more.  I know she can’t sleep.  But if that is a way in which I can prove that I care, I would do it.  I just know she wouldn’t let me.  I hope to write more soon.  Take Care.

Sometimes, okay, well, often, I go on rants and raves on here.  My useless daily events.  What I ate, what I watched, and my useless thoughts.  I like them when they are simple.  When I’m just thinking about the stupid things that go on in my daily life.  It’s my own little fucked up world.  I just want it to be that.  I don’t like it getting introduced with other worlds, other problems, or anything that makes more drama.  Drama.  That’s just what it is…

 

Well, I had talked to CSA Girl, and I had lost another bet with her, as MG2 did call.  Then I talked to Ms. K-Girl.  We said our goodnights, and I had turned on my X-Files and prepared to drift off to sleep.  Then the phone rang.  First question from him: “are you out to dinner with your sister”?  Knowing that I needed to think quickly, I of course said “yes”, even though I couldn’t have been more comfortable than I was in my bed.  Then it went on.  A 20 minute tangent on how she was the one and how could she be like this and he knows he’s not perfect and how he never called her a stripper and it was all fucking BLAH BLAH BLAH.  He was fucked up in the head.  She had told me just a few days earlier that she just learned he had a drug problem.  According to him, he had one, had stopped in January, started counseling in March, and had been clean ever since.  But he says she never believed him.  I don’t know what the hell to believe.  He told me he had exaggerated the other day about taking more than a few Imitrex.  He says he did it to get her to come home and be with him.  I guess he is pretty needy.  He went on for a few more minutes, about how upset he was, and how all he wanted was her.  He stated he was there for her through her drug problems.  And how she still takes drugs.  Maybe not Crystal Meth, or whatever the hell it is they take, but Vicodin, and others that she shouldn’t.  And she was a bitch to him and he’s always been there for her.  She sleeps all day, and he cleans up the house.  Then, call waiting.  Yup, it was her.  I flipped over, and she of course gave me the head’s up: “if he calls, I’m out to dinner with you”.  Better late than never.  She said that he sent her text messages, and when she called him back he told her that he took 20 Valium.  And that she hung up on him.  I didn’t tell her I was talking to him.  I let her go.  When I returned to him, I let him continue.  He talked about how great he was trying to be, and how he’s not perfect and that he’s done stuff wrong.  I eventually interrupted and asked him what the last thing is that he did that was wrong.  He said he wasn’t sure.  I asked him if he sent text messages, he said yes, because she wasn’t talking to him.  I asked if he took anything.  He said yes.  I asked what, he said Valium.  I asked how many, he said 20.  I asked how long ago, and how many milligrams.  He didn’t know.  My sister said that it is not her problem and that he should walk his ass to the hospital.  She kicked him out for a reason, and she doesn’t want to deal with it.  I guess.  It surprises me as she had just lost a friend to an overdose.  T.C.  He was a pretty nice guy.  We gave him a hard time, but he was nice.  Okay, we gave him a REALLY hard time.  Hard enough that it’ll make you feel horrible after you find out he’s no longer around.  He called people when he overdosed, but nobody answered, so he left messages.  My sister was one of them.  I got my ass out of my comfortable bed.  Got dressed.  Asked him where he was.  He said the park on 37^th Street.  Not exactly helpful, but I assumed it was near her house.  So that limited it to about a mile radius, and about 3 parks.  Big ass parks.  His cell phone battery was dying, and I didn’t tell him I was coming.  Eventually it died while I was on my way there.  I was going just over 100mph on the 101.  I just don’t understand.  Well, I do.  We’ve all been there (or so I think).  The feeling of “she is the one, I can’t live without her”.  It can be hard.  It can be disappointing.  And all of that is an understatement.  Nothing can compare with love.  Nothing.  It can hurt more than any other pain.  I tried to tell him things to help.  But nothing was helping.  So now I’m not talking, just driving, wondering where the hell he was.  I drove for about 15 minutes, and eventually found his motorcycle at a park at a school.  I parked next to it, trying to block it in.  I searched all over that park, and I learned how much of a pussy I am, as I had a hard enough time hopping the chain link fence.  Not to mention the fact that I cut up my fucking hand on it.  I’m no longer the athletic kid I used to be.  And I’m only 25.  I walked all over for another 15 minutes.  Then I found the backpack, the empty water bottle, and the empty pill bottle.  I picked them up, and saw his feet in the enclosed tunnel of the slide.  I called his name, and pulled on his feet.  I helped him out and we walked back to the car.  I took his cigarettes, as that was first on his list of things to do.  As we got to the car, his mom was there.  I guess she had gotten a call from my sister, which prompted her to look.  She said her spiel.  We gave him the option to either get in the car, or not.  Either way he’s going to the hospital.  All he wanted was his cigarettes and to talk to my sister.  Either that or to ride away on the bike.  We just called 911 and took him the hard way.  I just hope they weren’t needed elsewhere.  Ironically, he ended up on the third floor of the hospital.  Right where my mom works.  That ought to be interesting.  I told him I did this as a one time thing.  I won’t do it again.  The thought of leaving him there and him dying would have been far worse.  But I can’t keep doing it.  I’m not going to get sucked into that.  It would hurt to know that I could do something, but didn’t.  But it won’t be my responsibility to make sure he straightens up.  I’ve heard the stories.  I remember the experiences my sisters went through with drugs.  Late night coloring in coloring books, the voicemail messages, the friends we didn’t approve of, the family arguments.  All of it is fucked up.  I called anybody to talk, I needed to vent.  I couldn’t.  It was okay, because I left a message on a voicemail box at the office of our Wisconsin counterparts.  I spoke, it made me feel better.  I got to bed about 3am.

 

This morning I took her movies back, and I returned the $50 that she had given me the other day.  I told her to give it to my mom.  She said she wanted to help me, I said no.  She said we can still hang out.  I shook my head no.  She said you can still borrow movies.  I shook my head no.  She said you can cut it all off altogether.  I nodded my head yes.  He has shit he needs to clean up, but so does she.  I suppose we all do.  She was in tears talking about how hard she was trying to help everybody.  She does, but she needs to help herself first.  Do or do not.  There is no try.  I told her that, I told him that.  Just fucking do it.  Call the club tonight.  Tell them you are not coming back.  Go to a temp agency and get a job.  Just do it.  Find some good friends.  Maybe I’m just taking the easy way out myself.  But there is a reason I distance myself from the family.  I tried to get closer.  I opened this up for my brother, and what did he have to say about it?  Nothing but a big fuck you.  His girlfriend reads it instead.  I can’t handle the family.  I know it.  I will attend the wedding.  I will send mom money every month.  I will do what I can to ensure she retires when she should.  I will try and do my part.  I wish I could do more.  But I can’t.  I’m sorry.  It’s times like these that I doubt my abilities as a father, but those are different thoughts, for a different time.  I am who I am.  I’m sorry if it’s not good enough.

 

I know I’m okay, and I’m not all distraught or anything.  I just don’t want that drama.  I have enough with being broke, single, and unhappy in so many other ways.  I don’t need more.

 

 

Back to my fucked up life.  JB replied.  I just didn’t know what to say.  So I haven’t said anything.  I think a trip to WI for me and a trip for CSA Girl here would be nice.  My stomach is upset.  It could be my thoughts, or it could be those combined with my Starbucks, soda and pretzels.  Cuddling in my bed with my pillow and some tears is what I’m looking for tonight.  And Aura is my panacea…

I’m sick today.  It started at about 2 am on Tuesday morning.  I didn’t sleep Monday night at all.  It got progressively worse, then, after being up until 3 am early Wednesday morning, I sent my boss an e-mail to tell her I wasn’t going to be at work.  Well, I guess everything went to hell while I was out.  Normally I would probably care more, but not today.  I hate being sick.  I guess everybody does.  Not sure what it is, it may just be allergies.  It’s starting to fade, and I think I’ll be at work tomorrow.  I will be taking Monday off.  Taking “Ann time”.  As much of a pain that she can be, she can balance it out too. 

 

I went to Starbucks early Tuesday morning with Terry.  I got my triple venté non-fat cinnamon spice mocha with easy whip.  I could have used one today.  Not sure if that would have been good for me though…  While I was there I couldn’t resist buying the Artist’s choice CD.   This one was of Sarah McLachlan.  “Music that matters to her” as they put it.  It’s a collection of songs that she likes, and she describes why she likes them.  They are:

 

If I Laugh-Cat Stevens

Everybody Hurts-R.E.M.

Solsbury Hill-Peter Gabriel

Right In Time-Lucinda Williams

Secret Heart-Ron Sexsmith

Poses-Rufus Wainwright

Reaching Out-Kate Bush

Mustt Mustt (Lost In His Work)-Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan

Where Will I Be-Emmylou Harris

I Eat Dinner-Kate & Anna McGarrigle

Love’s Recovery-Indigo Girls

The Life Is The Red Wagon-Jane Siberry

Unchained Melody-Willie Nelson

Desire-Talk Talk

Theme From Harry’s Game-Clannad

 

She states that she is drawn to music that has a soul, that moves her in some way, that makes her feel something.  And although other songs do that as well, these, in particular, do it on a deep level for her.  I’m excited about her concert in July.  Mystery Girl was at the top of the list of people to go, but now I’m not sure…I guess I’ll just wait and see.  CSA Girl did mention flying out here to go to it.  That’d work for me…  I lent Afterglow (her new CD) to Cookie to listen to.  JB made a copy of it for me before she left.

 

Kolohegirl stated that my comments about Mystery Girl sounded sad, and so final.  I guess that’s how I felt at the time.  Same way I felt with Brennan when she left.  In her instance I knew that it would be the last time I see her.  That can be a weird feeling when you know it’s the last time you are going to see somebody.  I always try to take it all in, one last time before I move on.  Whether it be looking at the high school auditorium one last time before I graduate, or giving somebody a hug as you know you will probably never see them again.  Each day to the fullest…

 

I too wish I could get paid to write this crap.  It really isn’t hard for me to do, it’s just taking a moment to do it.  I don’t know that I think about what I write, I just do it.  I had all day today to write, but I didn’t.  I slept here and there, watched a little crap TV, replied to a few e-mails, and attended a conference call.  I’ll probably only take a ½ day of PTO.  I worked a full hour or two if you combined everything.  The rest will be non-PTO paid.  I need to use that crap.  That’s supposed to be a benefit of being salary.  I don’t even get to use that anymore.  That’s okay, I’ll make up for it with my “Ann Time”. 

 

I was happy to hear the pan flute guy was okay.  Even though his version of the theme from Titanic was driving you nuts.  Did you ever send that e-mail to that guy to let him know you were thinking of him?

 

I got an e-mail from MG2 last night just after midnight.  I hope to hear from her tonight. 

 

I was joking that I need to buy stock in Kleenex.  I’ve gone through several boxes. 

 

Thin_Ice, I’m broke, as I work where I do, but I’m always game for going out.  Perhaps when K-Girl gets back from Hawaii?

 

Today was JB’s birthday.  I sent her an e-mail.  It was hard to do.  I was at a loss for words.  It seemed pretty boring, but I really wanted to put heart into it.  It was short and sweet.  I’m not sure what I’ll do if she responds.  It feels as though it’s been years, and it’s really only been just over 2 months.  I can’t believe it’s only been that short of a time period.  It was ironic, because as I got out of the car, I was thinking of her, and Sand in My Shoes started playing.  The song refers to being somewhere, being happy, almost as if it’s a vacation (hence the sand), but then going home, and still having sand in the shoes, thinking about how nice it was to be there, but to now be home, all the while missing where you were (and who you were with).  It seems like it fits her scenario, moving home to her little town in Texas.  I miss her…

 

I think I’m going to cut this short (yes, two pages in MS Word is short).  I’m still not feeling the best, and I will probably get more sleep here soon.  Take Care,

 

JB (the other one)

Okay, well, CSA Girl thought she could write a post with just these phrases:

 

Gayest moments-Grease with brother

 

Movie of my life-who?

 

The Day After Tomorrow-American flag, we are one planet.  Mexican cleaning the floor lived-escaped to Mexico. Roland Emmerich movies.  Vs. JB movies

 

Mortuary Girl…first kiss…

 

Evening with Cookie…

 

Drunk-drove  me home. Norma

 

Final Destination 2

 

My sister and Javier.

 

Mike and Kim

 

Mystery Girl-silence says more than words ever could

 

Leaving Justin-don’t tell about gay ass movie…

 

CSA Girl-mother hen.

 

Way I post- like thoughts, then sentences-like an essay.

At what point do you stop sleeping with somebody because of possible relationship?

 

Say hYPOthetically you are sleeping with someone…

Salma Hayek

 

Tara Reid-innocent sweet one from American Pie

 

Wynona Ryder-CSA Girl

 

Therefore, she took on the daunting task of writing a post, as though it was me writing it.  I tell her a lot of the stuff over the phone and via instant messaging, so she thought she’d be able to write it.  However, I know on some stuff, she has no clue what the notes were so we’ll see what she came up with.  So, one post is hers, and one post is mine.  Can you guess which is which?

 

Post 1:

 

CSA Girl asked me who would be in the movie of my life. I love that she asked me that. I’m thinking about it. I’m sure I’ll post whatever I come up with. There is not an actor born yet who could play my brother. Grease was on when we were at my sister’s. He was fixing her bathroom. He loves those cheesy old movies. I don’t know who could capture both sides of him. Maybe Jason Lee … if he’s not busy with CSA Girl’s movie. We also started watching Final Destination 2.

 

My family is all fucked up. Jessica thinks Mike doesn’t respect her or whatever and she’s already going through a hard enough time. She kicked her boyfriend out … he’s into the same shit she was. I’m sure its got to be hard for her. You don’t stop loving someone just because you can’t be with them.

 

Friday night I went to see Day After Tomorrow with Cookie. Fucking Cookie. She asked me why she was looking forward to it all week. How the hell am I supposed to know? I thought we were friends. And we are but I don’t know why she says so many mean things to me. I emailed CSA Girl to call me whatever time and she was worried about me. How sweet. Then I went out with Lisa and had a few drinks. I don’t even really drink. But it just kind of made everything melt away. I probably could have driven a few times during the evening but I let this chick drive my car home. I kept saying “Don’t you know how to drive a car?” Yeah, I could have driven better myself.

 

Kolohegirl, I just worry about you. I don’t want to be a dick. K?

 

Well Saturday with Mortuary Girl was as expected … wonderful. She emailed me and told me to come up with a bet for goofy golf to “make it more interesting”. I said if I got a hole in one I got a kiss. Yeah I didn’t get a hole in one, but I kissed her anyway. A slow, sweet kiss. It seemed well received. I love being with her. We watched Dreamcatcher. Yeah, I haven’t finished the book yet. Sorry Dr. B, it wasn’t your advice, but that I wanted to do what she wanted. We just kind of held hands, it was nice. I think in my heart I know she is going to move but even though she is only in Tucson today, I miss her. I sent her a text message wishing her a happy birthday. I hope she was happy to hear from me.

Haven’t heard from Mystery Girl since I dropped everything Monday to be there for her. I think that chapter may have been finally closed for good. Of course, I’ve said that before ….

 

On my way home from my sister’s I left IM on just to torture CSA girl. She knew I was driving and doesn’t want me to talk on my cell phone or type on the laptop when I’m in the car. Mother Hen. I know it must have just been killing her.

 

Yeah I don’t really know this whole dating thing. I don’t know if I’m moving too slow for Mortuary Girl, but she may be moving soon anyway. But if she does not move, I have a lot to figure out. At what point do you stop sleeping with other people (hypothetically you’re sleeping with someone). At what point do I decide I’m in a relationship or trying to be in a relationship and stop “watching scary movies” with others? I don’t know but I participated in CSA Girl’s insomnia last night so I had plenty of time to think about it, and talk about it.

 

Sweet Dreams all, must get some sleep. If I die before I wake, don’t tell anyone about that gay-ass movie….

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Post 2:

 

Keeping with the gayness kick that Thin_Ice started with, I had one of my gayest moments the other day.  I was sitting next to my brother, eating pizza, and watching Grease.  Yeah, I know, I wasn’t proud of it either.

 

While I was there, he wanted me to watch the first 15 minutes of Final Destination 2.  I did, and now I’m hooked.  I’m going to have to watch the rest of it.  However, when I was leaving to head home, I peeked back in the house to tell him that if I die in a car crash on the way home (since I was freaked from watching those 15 mins) that he better not tell anybody I was watching that gay ass movie Grease with him. 

 

Okay, Grease is not that bad, but sitting there watching it with your brother is kind of weird.

 

I was asked the following questions by CSA Girl:

 

Who would play you in the movie of your life?

Who would play the important people in your life?

What's on the soundtrack?

Do you know the opening and closing scenes? If so, what are they?

Do you know what other scenes there would be? If so, what are they?

What plays during the credits?

 

Although it will take me quite awhile to nail them down, I must say it’s been one of the most thought provoking questions I’ve ever been asked.  I think Wynona Ryder would be a great choice for CSA Girl.  Not sure though.  I’ve still got a lot of thinking to do.  It would be a long movie though…  I was thinking the sweet innocent Tara Reid from American Pie could play JenJen.  But only back when Tara was like that.  She has since changed her image.  I was thinking Salma Hayek for Cookie.  I’ll think on it more.  I don’t like even mentioning some of my thoughts until I’m sure of the answers.  I think one of the guys from Queer Eye should play Queer Eye.  Not that I’d want him to make it into my movie, but hey, if he did, that’s who it’d be.  I already know who would play me, if you haven’t figured it out, well, it’s obvious who I would pick.  I hate saying it, because I don’t want to seem egotistical, I just think he would be the perfect character.  Yes, I’m talking about Tom Cruise.  Anyway, some of his characters that he has played reminds me of myself.  That’s why I picked him.  And no, the character Ethan Hunt from the Mission Impossible movies was not one of the ones I was referring to.  Although it would be cool…

 

I saw the Day After Tomorrow.  Twice now.  My family kept joking that I was going to see The Day After Tomorrow, the day after tomorrow.  Then, afterwards, it was yesterday I saw The Day After Tomorrow.  It was stupid how funny it was at the time.  Anyway, even though I’ll preface it by saying I like every movie, I liked it.  It was everything I was hoping for.  I’m really satisfied with Roland Emmerich’s movies.  He’s not excellent, but he entertains.  Universal Soldier, Stargate, Independence Day, The Patriot, Godzilla.  They aren’t perfect, but like I said, they entertain.  They do well in the box office as well.  I mean, Godzilla was seen by most as a flop, but it made A TON of money.  Not to include the merchandising and DVD sales.  The DVD sales of that movie were just as huge.  Of course, his biggest hit was definitely Independence Day.  He got it right on that one.  Fo sheezy or Fa Shizzle Dizzle as Leesha would say.  In The Day After Tomorrow, you can see clearly that he thinks about every shot he does.  He throws in the American flag, right off the bat, and it’s always present during the film.  His movies have an American “gung ho” attitude towards them.  I liked the little bits in the movie like letting the Mexican cleaning the floors live, and the comic relief with Americans illegally crossing into Mexico.  Between him and Dean Devlin, they seem to know what they are doing.  It reminded me a bit of JB and his films.  Jerry worked with Don Simpson.  They were a great team as well.  Now Jerry is on his own, as Don passed away in 1996.  As if you couldn’t tell, Jerry hasn’t let that stop him.  He, like Roland Emmerich, definitely has a formula for his movies, which he has now passed onto his TV shows.  Lately, he has been branching out.  Trying to do more than just the ‘movies for guys who like movies’ stuff.  I appreciate that fact.  I think it’s good that he is trying to do more.  I would be doing the same if that was me.  Okay, enough sentiments about the life that I’m not leading…

 

CSA Girl always jokes that she is a Mother Hen to me.  And she is.  She doesn’t even let me talk to her while driving.  It’s cute how sweet she is to me, and how much she cares…

 

I spent the day on Saturday at my mom’s.  While we were there, we had some great family drama.  My sister Kim and her fiancé Mike are getting married in October.  Problem is, none of my other siblings seem to like Mike.  My younger sister always accuses him of giving her looks and disrespecting her.  Well, today they talked about it.  She was really emotional because her and her boyfriend Javier are breaking up.  Turns out he has had a drug problem for the last few years, and she didn’t know.  She felt stupid, as she used to have a problem before he came around, and tried so hard to stop.  Now that she has, she felt stupid not to notice that he had one.  So, she kicked his ass out of the house.  Which was a smart move.  She gave him two days.  I’m really impressed with her.  So, now she’s worried because she’s single, she’s living alone, and she’s just not used to it.  She wants to quit her job and do something else.  She’s trying to make things better in her life, it can just be tough.  She survives though, and she’s doing a great job.  She spends quality time with the kids, and it’s just really nice.  She’s doing much better than I am towards the family.  I see it, I know it, I don’t show her that I appreciate it though.  I need to.  She had a hard time talking to Mike about the issues she had with him, as she didn’t want to rain on his and Kim’s parade.  She is happy for them, and she doesn’t want to mess anything up.  Kim is going to Virginia, for Basic training for the Marines.  Then Mike is going to re-enlist.  He was a Marine before.  She will be leaving for Virginia just a week or so after their wedding.  I don’t know, but whatever makes them happy.  I tried to explain to her why the family felt the way they did about her and Mike.  I pretty much summed it up like this: “You used to be a psycho bitch, now you are sweet and fun to be with.  Mike is a nice guy, but he’s 23, some people might have issues with his age.  He seems very mature, and it helps that he had the Marine experience as that can mature somebody very quickly.  However, some are concerned that you are 30 and just trying to get it on during the prime of your life.  I don’t think so, but who knows.  You are religious now, you are all Go America.  I don’t know if 9/11 changed you or what, but you are different.  I’m not complaining, as it has been nothing but great.  Some people might think you are being fake, but I don’t.  So, don’t worry about it, and be happy.  They’ll come around.”  Not the best word choice, but I said what I said.  She seemed to take it okay.  I think she was a little shocked, but I’m not sure.

 

After spending the day at my mom’s, on Saturday night, I went out with Mortuary Girl.  We met for some “Goofy Golf” as she calls it.  It was really fun.  We then went back to her place so I could get acquainted with her dogs, we then went to dinner, and went back again to watch Dreamcatcher.  Yes, I watched it.  Yes, I liked it.  Yes, I still plan to read the book.  Yes, the book is still in my bag.  No, I have no clue when I will remove the book from my bag.  Anywho, the movie was good.  And I finally kissed her.  I say finally because we’ve gone out 4 times now.  I think I was moving too slow.  Maybe not.  I don’t know.  Here I go worrying again.  Anyway, it was just a slow, sweet kiss, a few of them actually, I just couldn’t push for that deep kiss kind of thing, as it just didn’t seem right.  Shit, I should be fucking her already.  Okay, that was rude.  But honestly, I just feel like I haven’t dated anybody, and I just want to move slow.  I can mess around with people all I want while being single, but when it comes down to those real possibilities, I just want it to be right.  And it’s not like it is hard for me to hold back, because I really don’t have the urge to do anything like that with her.  I just enjoy the company, and she is really sweet and really nice.  However, I’m just worried that she may be too sweet and innocent.  Maybe not.  We’ll see.  I just hope she doesn’t up and move to Utah.  I know she could get the job offer anytime now.  And I know she will have to make the decision fast.  My gut instinct is that she will take it.  I’ll be okay with that fact.  I sure don’t want her to stay just for me.  But I’m bias, as I want her to stay.  When we were playing miniature golf I told her that if I get a hole in one I get a kiss, and she agreed.  However, I of course didn’t get one.  In fact, that’s like the first time playing miniature golf that I DIDN’T get one.  So, after the movie was finished, I said to her, ‘talk about your all time backfires’ when she asked what, I said “I didn’t get the hole in one”.  That of course was when I leaned in, and asked “may I?”, she sweetly said “yes”.  Then we kissed.  It was nice.  I sound like a chick.  ANYWHO…. 

 

When I went and saw the movie with Cookie, the beginning of the night was fine.  As was the movie.  It was afterwards that was tough.  We went out to dinner, to Pizza Picasso.  It was a nice place, but it was a tough time with conversation.  She was upset and frustrated, and I didn’t help.  She was on the verge of tears, and I felt helpless.  I was really upset when I headed home, because I just felt bad for her, then I felt angry with myself for not doing more to help her.  Then I got mad, because why the hell should I feel bad?  She made me feel like crap.  Again.  It wasn’t right, and I know.  I know that wasn’t her intention, she was just upset.  But then again, it’s times like those that remind me why I’m not with her.  Know the feeling K-Girl?  I do appreciate some of the times we have together.  I wish her well…

 

On my way home, while crying and screaming at myself after the evening with Cookie, PPE called.  She wanted me to go out with her and have some drinks and dance.  I agreed.  And besides, when she told me Christy was there, I was all over that.  And to make it better, Norma was there too.  She’s a pretty hot older woman (44 to be exact).  I mean for 44 she looks pretty good.  Or maybe I was drunk, which I was.  She drove me home that night.  I had several shots, and several beers.  I was hung-over the next day for sure.  But it was worth it…

 

CSA Girl.  I loved our um, conversation the other night?  Yeah.  I couldn’t wait for that VTC at work.  I got to see your bright smiling blushing face.  I hope you are getting some sleep, as I know you need it.  You really do need to see a doctor and find out about sleep studies.  Until then, I look forward to your late night postings on LiveJournal.  Why don’t you come to Xanga?  It’s not like it’s the dark side or anything.  Besides, you already are here, you just need to start posting….

 

And as for Mystery Girl.  Silence says more than words ever could.  I’m going to just leave her be.  It’s obvious she is done with me.  I hope she is okay, and I do worry for her.  We can be friends.  I’m here if she needs me, or if she ever wants to get some coffee and hang out at Barnes and Noble.  I honestly do miss her, but I can’t chase her forever.  I’ve called several times, and I hear nothing back.  I just hope she is doing okay.  She shows up for work, so I guess that’s a good sign.  Oh, and I’m impressed with you Kolohegirl.  You never asked who she was.  Never.  Yet you knew all along.  I don’t know how.  I didn’t tell you anything about her.  NOTHING.  Everything you knew was on here.  I have no clue how you did that.  Just keep it under wraps.  I can understand why Dr. B would know, but not you.  TDM, leave her alone.  She ain’t talking.  There is a reason she is referred to as Mystery Girl.  Because that is what she will remain...to even me in some ways…  I hope she doesn’t forget how much it means to me that she made it here in the first place.  I’d be honored for her to read.  Take Care Mystery Girl…

 

I post like I’m writing an essay.  I start with a bunch of thoughts, then I write about them.  Normally I would just start writing, but when I don’t have time (which is often), I jot down thoughts, then come back later to write about them.  I always loved writing essay’s in school.  I could write a 10 page paper in one night.  I loved it.  Anyway, I just wanted to make fun of the way I post sometimes.  I know.  I’m whack.

 

Say hypothetically you are sleeping with someone (just hypothetically)… At what point do you stop sleeping with somebody because of a possible relationship?  Do you wait until you are monogamous with somebody?  Just say hypothetically that I’m getting it on with this chick that I’m totally hot for, but I know there just isn’t a long term relationship there.  At what point do I end it?  Again, this is just hypothetical.  Because it’s not like I’m getting any while being single.  Nothing a few frozen strawberry margarita’s from Macayo’s couldn’t take care of.  Or a scary movie for that matter.  Right.  Anywho.  I just don’t want to get a guilty feeling for anything that I do.  And what is cheating?  I know what I define it as, but I sure do wonder what it is for others…It can be easy to move that line in the heat of it all.  I think that’s a decision that has to be made prior to it all starting.  But you can’t predict everything, and you can’t regret everything.  I’ve cheated on one person, and I never will do it again.  EVER.  It’s the worst feeling in the world, and if I could take it all back I would.  I digress.  Anyway, it was just some thoughts I was having…

 

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Okay.  Those were the two posts.  The answer first one was CSA Girl’s post for me, and the second was my actual post.  Here's her additional comments:

 

Okay author’s notes –

It was hard to get the contractions right. You don’t talk in as much slang as I do.

So I used a lot of “find on this page” when I wanted to see if this was something you would say.

I did the use the “yeah….”

I used the K.

And I used the K in a personal note TO someone. You address a lot of things to specific people in your posts.

I took some liberty with the gay-ass movie – combining it with a reference to the post you made a few weeks ago when you used the “Now I lay me down…” in a much more depressing way.

Took a guess on the Dreamcatcher line. Assumed that was what you were thinking.

Tried to keep the references to me light – that’s the way they seem on your posts – but hard to resist the urge to talk about myself in glowing terms – probably would have given me away though.

I can’t explain why but the “I thought we friends. And I guess we are” sounded like you to me.

I used some direct quotes. A lot of the Mortuary Girl kiss stuff was stuff I remember you saying but I spared everyone the play by play of first I took her hand and rubbed in then she put her hand on my shoulder …. That was the easiest paragraph to write – heard so much about it J

Had to replace the dashes with ellipses. I use dashes not you.

The Jessica paragraph is not my favorite. But I knew the story so I felt inclined to include it. Especially because I struggled to keep the sibling’s names straight. I’m missing two – I have Kim, Jessica and Justin.

I had written “this chick drive my car home” before I asked who Norma was. I didn’t want to call her “this chick” if she was a close friend. Sorry Lisa.

I wanted to talk about JB particularly at the end of “just because you can’t be with someone doesn’t mean you don’t love them”.

If I was more ambitious I would have poked around some of your friend’s sites to see if there was anything I thought you would have commented on.

Had to correct the spelling of Tucson – silly Wisconsin girl that I am….

 

Okay so the notes are almost as long as the post – it was MUCH harder than I thought it would be.

 

Much love,

 

 

Now, here’s a few other thoughts that I did not get a chance to include but were actual afterthoughts:

 

This season of 24 was just as good as the others.  I can have a stress free evening, and that show just kills me.  I literally bounce around on the couch out of frustration.  I have no clue what is going to happen.  Most shows are predictable; you know certain things will remain consistent.  Not in that show.  I love it, and I can’t wait until next season.  I own the first two seasons on DVD, and will be sure to buy the third.

 

I talked to MG2 (that’s the new nickname for Mortuary Girl).  Since I was sick of calling her those things, as I felt they were kind of disrespectful, I’ve decided with MG2.  Yeah, I know, not the best, but if you don’t like it, Kolohegirl thought of it. 

 

Well, she returned from Tucson, and we are going to get together next week to see the new Harry Potter movie.  I’m going to take off from work, so we can go during the day.  It’ll be nice.  I hope to see her sometime this week as well.

 

Oh, and for the record, I was just razzing everyone about TDM being gay.  I was just on a homo kick thanks to Thin_Ice.

 

Dr. B gave me a cowboy magazine to read, and a book about horses.  I haven’t had time to look at them in depth, but they are on my kitchen table everyday.  I see them, unlike Dreamcatcher, which hasn’t seen the light of day in months.  But at least I finished 24.  Granted it is now early Monday morning…almost a week later…but still…  Sometimes, when I write stuff, I can just picture you reading it.  Thinking things like ‘even stupid people need love’.  Be nice to her.  I know she’s obnoxious, but she has a heart, and a great mind.  It’s just buried beneath everything else that you see everyday.

 

I went grocery shopping tonight.  I wasn’t in the best of spirits, and was feeling down.  So, I went to get some dinner at Subway, and they were closed.  So was every other store near there.  So, I went into Bashas, bought myself some cereal, milk, bread, turkey, pasta, orange juice, pretzels, Mt. Dew, and some Root Beer.  It’s a start.  It’s been months since I was actually shopping for normal food.  Yes, I consider that list normal food.  It’s not a bad start for me.

 

Kolohegirl, sweetie, you will always be on that pedestal.  I just really need you around to make sure you are on it.  I’m sorry if I upset you, but you know I had your best interests at heart.  I don’t know what you ended up doing, but it doesn’t matter anymore.  You just need to learn to listen to me!  And I’m not chicken.  Don’t tempt me.  Because I would so love to tell all the details…

 

If I was in a traumatic situation (such as the ones presented in 24), the last thing I could do would be give somebody a deep kiss.  In the movies, they always rush to do this.  A hug, yes, a deep kiss?  No.  Maybe it’s just me…

 

And I think I like the “Googlebang an answer” instead of the “Just Google it”

 

It’s almost 2 am, and I have to be up at 3:30 and to work by 5.  NICE.  Well, we’ll see if I actually get some sleep or not.  I still have some things I can finish up.  And I’m not really that tired.  What are you doing to me CSA Girl?  Are you sure it’s not contagious?

 

I hope you all are doing well.  Sweet Dreams all…

Terry wants to know why he should pay for Cox, as he can just use the WIFI that seems to be available where he lives.  The only thing that’s keeping him honest is the risk the neighbors might move…Actually, that is the same reason I don’t get rid of mine.  One day the wireless card and laptop will disappear, and the neighbors will have taken their wireless router with them.

 

Well PPE, let’s see what the fucking newspaper had to say today…shall we?

 

Man Arrested in Slashings

Suicide Girls Burlesque

Farewell to Sean McLaughlin

Terror Suspect Applied to UA

Double Murder Suspect Arrested

Woman Rescued from Burning Condo

Man Sought in Attack on Woman

 

That was the real news; can you blame me for not reading it? 

 

The bunny didn’t even move today.  It just sat their and ate the grass, like I wasn’t even there.  I know Cookie misses her bunny.  I was going to call him Greg the bunny, but that’s the name we gave the vibrator.  It was a little bunny with ears.  It was purple too.  Then one day an ear fell off when she was cleaning it.  Then another time the battery exploded in the remote thingy.  Yeah, we must have been too rough with him…

 

 

And, DUDE, will somebody please tell me that TDM’s posts kinda make him sound a little gay?  I mean, he’s not THAT much better than I am, right?  That “Smile” thing is nice and all, and it supports the “appreciate what you have” thing I have going on, but DAMN.  He writes poetry, I don’t do that!  Okay, I did it once on here, but nobody seems to be giving him shit on being gay.  Probably because he has a rotation.  I need a rotation.  I need to be more like TDM.  Or not, anywho…  Just a quick congratulations to him (as he is now a grandfather)…Best wishes to you and your new family member…

 

Here’s what Queer Eye said about Katie today: “I think there’s a village somewhere missing an idiot.”  She was a drama queen today.  She was all hard at work as we were singing Frank Sinatra, “My Way”.  We had a little party thing for Mike, the consultant.  www.velocityscape.com  He’s a smart guy.  He knows his stuff, and what he doesn’t know, he learns.  Just Google it!  We joked about that a lot.  Google has all the answers.  We tried saying “Just Ask Jeeves it”, but that just wasn’t as cool as “Just Google It.”  Yeah, we could have said “Just Ask Jeeves”, but that’s not cool enough for us.  Yeah, because we are SO above that!  The fucking Paradise Room.  It so rocks in there.  Oh, and CSA Girl, the reason I couldn’t pay attention during any of that conference call regarding the Desktop App status, was that Queer Eye and Leesha were making fun of me and sent a few dozen e-mails back and forth with me on the CC.  So I watched them bash me while on the phone.  So, if the 6/1 rollout is crap, it was probably because I wasn’t paying attention on the call that was a make or break kinda status update.

 

PPE: Okay, if I’m still going to do whatever it is that I want to do, why do you insist on giving me a hard time every time I talk to you about the fact that I don’t spend enough time with you?  Does it make you feel better?  If so, then that’s fine.  But it kills me.  It always has.  If that is your goal, then you are succeeding.  But know that even though you succeed in making me feel guilty, do know that I’m still going to do what I do.  But I’m always here for you though when you really need me.  K?

 

I was talking to CSA Girl on the phone the other day, and I could hear her music in the background.  I always spell “background” as “backround”, that drives me nuts.  How come MS Word can’t just automatically fix it?  I spell it wrong every fucking time I type it and have to correct it every fucking time.  I wish the shit could learn.  Then again, I should learn to spell it right huh?  Anyway, back to my point.  Her music was some of the same music I have on Aura.  I want to surprise her with a copy of it.  Problem is, she just read this, now it won’t be a surprise.  But, if she knows me, she knows I don’t follow through with ¾ of what I say…so she may just be surprised after all!

 

I was looking for JB’s exact birthday.  I know it is coming up, and I’m sure I’m right on the date, I just like to be sure.  I still have to look up Cookie’s and JenJen’s birthdays.  Okay, I don’t, but sometimes I doubt myself.  I digress, again.  Anyway, well, I was doing a search in old e-mails for it, but I ended up reading one of the last e-mail strings we had going.  It was...nice.  It made me sad, made me happy, it really made me dig up a lot of emotions.  I don’t know if its Aura, or what it is.  She is just always on my mind.  “Since you’ve been gone I’ve been lost without a trace”, okay, that was stolen from the Sting and Robert Downey Jr. version of “Every Breath You Take” from the Ally McBeal soundtrack.  I just think about her.  And reading those e-mails was kinda tough, but it made me smile at the same time.  It made me take back and feel bad for having negative thoughts after she left.  Because I feel hurt, as she’s not here.  But reading it reminds me of how I felt, and still feel, and knowing that I always knew I would feel like this.  Her words of kindness.  They were just so honest.  I know they weren’t forced.  Some may have been, but I honestly doubt it.  They were just so natural.  It was bittersweet.  I mean, the entire name SweetNSourAura came from her.  It really did.  I miss her, but I still wish the best for her.  She’s got a special place in my heart, and I know that I have a place in her heart.  That’s all I really need…

 

Last night I dreamt about, hmmm, what should I call her?  I’m not sure.  Anyway, I dreamt that I was in a gym with her, like a high school gym but bigger, as there were much larger locker rooms, and different halls and such.  Well, eventually I led her back into a dark, private section, either in the locker room or in one of those hallways, and we started kissing.  It stopped there.  I know, I was a little disappointed too.  But trust me, it’s much better in real life…  Well, when I told her I dreamt about her, she told me she dreamt of me too.  I met her parents in the dream.  That would be interesting.  I’ve heard a lot about them, so it would be kinda cool.  As if that wasn’t enough about dreaming, Cookie told me that she dreamt about me.  I’m thinking: Great.  Well, she dreamt that I was in the mall with her and Kim (the one I helped get gas with when her car ran out of it).  Anyway, Cookie and I were in the mall, and I went into a nice candle store, and bought some pretty candles and other perfumes and stuff.  Well, Cookie said she then realized that it wasn’t for her.  So, she casually picked up the bag for me as I was paying for it, and walked out of the store.  She said she dropped it in the garbage on her way out.  Well, when she told me this story in real life, my jaw dropped, and she said that’s exactly what I did in the dream.  She said in the dream she went out and told Kim that she had done that and Kim’s jaw dropped in the dream as well.  I said that was not cool.  She said I was buying it for my skinny little girlfriend.  She was upset with me (in the dream still).  She said she woke up in tears.  She was upset because she says I never did sweet things like that for her.  I told her that somebody had some pent up emotions.  She didn’t disagree.  Mystery Girl always said that Cookie still liked me.  And although I think she may be a little right, we both know that it doesn’t matter now.  That’s why I don’t worry about it.  I love that we are friends.  I love that we can spend time with each other, and it can be just as friends.  She did say the other day though that she is the best (she is referring to sexually), and that if I ever forget that, I should come back for a refresher.  I can’t believe her sometimes.  I don’t need a refresher, I think I’m doing just fine on my own.

 

Jim and Eric.  Yeah, that fan club died several weeks ago.  That shit’s over. 

 

Dinner with Mortuary Girl was great as expected.  It was a little odd at first, it seemed like there may have been a struggle for conversation.  Eventually it turned to the fact that she is being forced to decide between staying in Phoenix, or moving back to Utah (I had known this).  She’s not sure what she should do.  She’s scared of making the wrong decision.  Unfortunately, I’m bias.  We are going to get together on Saturday.  We’ll probably play what she calls “Goofy Golf”, and she said it would be fun to hook up her DVD player and watch…she paused, and I of course inserted The Princess Bride, as that was a movie of conversation thanks to CSA Girl, but no, she was referring to Dreamcatcher.  No, I still haven’t finished the book.  Dr. B said I should say fuck the book and watch the movie already, but I’ve had others (including Mortuary Girl) say I should read the book first.  PPE would kill me if I saw it with Mortuary Girl (I turned PPE down for it once before).  I don’t know, a scary movie?  I cuddle during those, and it can just get worse from there…  I know somebody else who knows that a little too well.  I was thinking she would have said a romantic comedy or something.  *Who knows*  We’ll see, I told her I’d call her tomorrow and we could plan it out…

 

Anyway, I’m gong to go to bed now, as I think I told our Wisconsin counterparts that I’d be up at 6am to test.  We’ll see about that.  I’m working from home tomorrow (just had to throw it in there one more time for you CSA Girl)

 

As TDM would say SMILE!

 

Congratulations again on the baby girl…

 

Sweet Dreams All,

 

JB

Just a quick update:

 

Lisa’s mom is not only out of the ICU, but is now out of the hospital.

 

Bad Rob is an idiot, I won’t waste any more of my time writing about him.  Not that I ever did before.  Hey, what ever happened to Lauren (Surfer Barbie) at Macayo’s?  I need to get back there…

 

KLM is back in town, I know I mentioned it yesterday, but I’m really just that excited!

 

I learned a little Hawaiian today.  I had no idea it was its own language.  Nor did I know that the only active volcano there was on the big island.  Nor did I know that Kolohegirl is from the northern most island.

 

I’m going to my mom’s to play football with my brother and his girlfriend.  I went to the grocery store with her yesterday, and while we were driving she called me a religion basher.  I must have said something stupid in the past.  I’m not sure why I did that.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to offend you and I apologize if I was rude.  Anyway, KLM and her husband will hopefully come by and play with us as well.

 

I learned a little about I-PODs, as Ant Boy (as he’s called by Cookie) said I need to just touch it.  He said the UI (user interface for non-techies) is like nothing else, which is why it’s so popular.  He recommended I check out the Apple store at the Biltmore.

 

CSA Girl seemed like she wasn’t thrilled with me today.  Not sure what gave me that impression.  I sent her all of our conversations, and even opened all the posts.  Ironically, she slept last night and didn’t even notice!  No worries, I just thought it was funny.  I wonder how I survived without her before this point.  She just seems like such a valuable asset, I just don’t know how we got anything done before working with her.  The communication between at least her, Steve and I is great.  We need to keep the communication up between the companies.  It’s all about CSA Girl.

 

I saw Karen again this morning.  She says she travels for fun, she buys jewelry for a living, and she is originally from Michigan (which I think I knew because of the sweatshirt). 

 

I like Stargate SG-1, but I think I’ve seen almost all of them now.  I rarely see one that I haven’t seen.  I need to go back and watch some of the originals.  Out of 8 seasons, I’m sure there are some that I haven’t seen. 

 

I can’t believe she doesn’t LOVE Rocky’s.  If I was to open one up here, she would have to love it and come and have some, as that would be all I would eat.  Yeah, I’m picky.  CSA Girl, you are from WI, you got the beer part right, but why can’t you love beer and Rocky’s?  Liking it just isn’t good enough for me.

 

Mmmm.  Dairy Queen.  I could totally go for some right now.  Mystery Girl helped me discover one near my place.  I haven’t been there since that one time with her.  I should go though.  I haven’t heard from her today…  I know she wasn’t feeling well yesterday as well as Monday.  I took her to the Dr. on Monday, and went with her to fill her prescription.  All this on 5/24, the rollout of the new region.  It was a crazy ass day, but I dropped it all for her.  I know some of you don’t think that’s wise, but I can’t help who I am.  I know, I know, we’ll just wait and see…

 

I’m hungry.  I need pizza.  Need.  Food, water, shelter, pizza.

 

Okay, well, now I’ve had my pizza.  Domino’s 3 for $15.  Don’t worry, I didn’t eat all of it myself…I shared with Tigger.  Kidding.  I had it at my moms, so they all had some.  And what was left is now in her fridge (er, ice box, right K-Girl?).

 

Mystery Girl has been too quiet.  I don’t know what it is.  Well, I’m sure she’s just ignoring my calls.  Maybe that’s just me thinking that, but I think what I think.  Why do I care?  That’s just me.  Why do I not give up?  That’s just me.  I just hope she is okay.  I saw her today, and I said “hello”, but that was it.  I’m sure she recovered from Monday’s episode, but I don’t like the fact that she doesn’t call me back.  No worries, I think I understand.  I’m here if she needs me…

 

It wasn’t meant as an insult (or a slap in the face) to anybody who cares about me when I was saying that I feel I disappoint.  I just feel how I feel, and I can’t help that fact.  I just feel like I could be better for everybody…like I’m not doing enough…

 

Looks like M. Night Shyamalan is doing another movie, “The Village”.  It starts July 30^th.  That’ll be one for KLM and I.  She’s my scary movie buddy.  I have a few dozen movies for us to watch already…

 

Sorry I missed your call CSA Girl.  If you can’t sleep, please call…

 

Well, it’s sleepy time.  Till later…

Sometimes I just feel like there is not one person in my life that is not disappointed in me.  Everybody.  Including Tigger, as he was waiting for me to feed him.  I know, I worry too much.  I can’t even run through all the names.  Literally, everybody, they are all disappointed in me for one reason or another…

 

Leesha, Terry and I went for ice cream today.  We started to leave at 2 o’clock.  It was after 5 by the time we actually left.  It was 3 hours of “just one more thing” that each of us had to do.  There just kept being something else.  So, at 5, it was a quick, let’s get the hell out of here before something else happens.  It was funny, as we were joking that our tax dollars pay us, Leesha says: “Well, their getting their tax dollars worth out of me, for all this overtime I’m putting in, shit.”  She is just too funny….  We all feel that way.  Sometimes we need to remember that.  We are only helping ourselves, right?  Uh, sure, we’ll just keep on thinking that….  I know there is so much more to it all, but still…

 

I’ve had some hard times lately, as I’ve been still thinking about JB a lot.  Like I said, she’s always there, but its been such a pressing thought in my mind lately.  I can’t help but wonder what she is doing, what she is thinking, making sure she is happy.  Aura particularly has been difficult to listen to.  It’s odd, something that I love so much can hurt so much.  Music.

 

Fucking Desktop App.  Fucking IVR.  Fucking Web Portal.

 

They (our WI counterparts) tried to sneak in a security patch without us knowing for the government today, and it took down LDAP.  They had to rebuild the server which kept our QA environment down.  Put that on top of our address issues, plus the fact that we can only reset a user’s password every 3 hours.  Ugh.

 

I called Lisa several times today, and even yesterday too.  I wanted to leave after only an hour or two at work, as that is what I had planned, but, again, it didn’t happen…  I finally got out of work just after 8 pm.  That’s 13 hours today, in the office.  I have stuff to do this weekend, and I’ll be at work at about 3 or 3:30 on Monday morning.  Production certification.  I was worried about her.  I wanted to make sure she was okay.  I know her mom will be okay, as she has Lisa there to take care of her, but then who is taking care of Lisa?  Well, when I got out of work tonight, I met her at the mall for dinner, and Batlover was there meeting Lisa as well.  I had some Paradise Bakery (it was most delicious).  Well, after chatting for almost 45 min or more, we headed out.  Lisa pulled me aside and told me that she would prefer that I didn’t tag along as she wanted me to wait until her mom was out of ICU. 

 

Batlover-she said she felt weird with me.  She said I can’t expect her to be the same as she was before.  I don’t know what I was expecting.  I guess I was just expecting a friend.  Which she is…  I’ve talked to her the last few days at work and it seems fine.  Granted, it’s only for a minute or two.  I guess I just expect friends to be there whenever.  I mean, I don’t blame her for being different.  That’s expected.  I’m distancing myself.  Why?  Who the fuck knows.  I do miss her, but I can’t tell her that because then she asks why I don’t take the two seconds to call her.  I’m not sure I know the answer…

 

Mystery Girl-hung up with me for the ex.  It hurt.  But she doesn’t understand why I don’t give her all my attention.  Maybe it’s because I’m not going to give it all to somebody who won’t give it to me either.  She doesn’t get it.  She won’t get it.  I enjoy the times we have together so much though.  It’s just hard is all…

 

Match.com #3 and I are going out tomorrow.  We are going to dinner, then, who knows.  We’ll figure something out.  CSA Girl says I should bring her back here to watch The Princess Bride.  She thinks that both she and I would love it.

 

This is all stuff CSA Girl already knows.  I talk to her often at work, at least a little, and then we continue at home on IM and on the phone. 

 

I wanted to watch a good movie as I went to bed.  I like something good that I can listen to, yet not pay great attention to.  I said: Sarah McLachlan (insert sigh) I could totally listen to that in Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround Sound.  It’s just the best of both worlds: male and female.  I ended up choosing Broken Arrow.  “When the day comes that we have to go to war against Utah, we’re really going to kick ass.”  The last few nights it’s been Back to the Future Part II, Independence Day, and The Goonies.  I had watched a ton of X-Files episodes, I had Gone in 60 Seconds in for awhile, as well as the Dave Chappell show season 1.  I just love falling asleep with movies playing in the background, as it can provide a backdrop for the best of dreams.

 

Piestawa.  Anybody remember her?  We renamed the freeway, well, kinda.  The signs say that, our local government says that, but federally it isn’t recognized.  She was just at the beginning of a long list.  To think that it is still going on.  I read the newspaper while at the hospital.  Between that and the news that is playing on the televisions while waiting, it makes me remember why I don’t keep up with the news.  It’s just too much for me.  I just can’t stand to hear about the things going on over there.  The prison abuse issues are just horrible.  It makes me embarrassed to be an American sometimes.

 

Walking through the hospital reminds me of when I was recently here.  I had a kidney stone.  It sucked.  That was some serious pain, but I think it was more scary than it was anything else.  Not knowing what is wrong can be far worse.  The fear of the unknown.  That was just after things with Cookie and I ended.  But she took me to the hospital, waited there for me, and even paid the $50 fee.  Don’t think she didn’t charge me for that later though.  It was very sweet of her.  I think it just shows that above all else, she still cared for me, and I appreciate that fact.

 

Kolohegirl started her MPO.

 

Okay, new day.  What the hell did I write above?  It’s been like three days since I wrote that…

 

Well, Kolohegirl finished her MPO.  Or so I hope, as she is now in Hawaii.

 

Everybody is still disappointed in me.  That hasn’t changed.

 

I’m going to a movie on Friday with Cookie.  The Day After Tomorrow.  Cine Capri.  I can’t wait…

 

Well, I went out with Match.com girl #3.  Mortuary Girl as I call her.  That’s not much better than the name Batlover gives them, but hey…  I really like her, she’s just too nice.  Sweet and innocent is my impression of her.  We spent 6 hours together.  It didn’t even seem like 6 hours.  But the time before that didn’t seem like 3 ½.  We went to Carrabba’s, walked around Desert Ridge, had a drink at Fat Tuesday’s, and had some Starbucks while sitting next to the fireplace and the fountain with the kids playing in it.  We were there till midnight…  I felt more open that night than I have been before with her.  Discussed a little about religion, relationships, family, it was nice.  And it’s even better that we’ve talked since.

 

I’m not sure what to say about CSA Girl.  She told me something very personal today.  Her deepest darkest secret.  She thought it would change how I felt about her.  She was wrong.  Nobody will love me more purely then what she did right then and there.  I feel I need to designate an entire post just to her and how she makes me feel.  The things she writes about me on hers…she is just adorable.  Don’t worry, you’ll be at my wedding…

 

And as for Kolohegirl.  Well, these dreams are fucked up.  Not knowing the difference between dreams and reality…  I talked to her, then went to bed and dreamt that I was talking to her.  I woke up because I was talking out loud.  Then I talked to her again in reality, and then woke myself up dreaming as I was talking out loud to her again.  I was whack.  I didn’t think it would be this hard with you gone.  It is…

 

Mystery Girl came over on Sunday.  I had to be up at 2 am the next day, but I managed.  We went to the hot tub, we made Cherry pie with ice cream, we had lasagna for dinner.  It was nice.

 

Cookie is going with me to Terry’s on the 4^th.  That will be fun.  I can’t wait to see the look on his face, and the topics of conversation for the evening.  Not only was she presented with a job offer, but when she turned it down, the shit was given to her anyway.  The CIO and a director have her doing VoIP stuff as well as some IVR stuff still.  Sucks to be her.  If she’s going to do it, she should have at least taken the raise.  I guess she didn’t want to be in IT as she saw the stress it put on me.  But now she’s working longer than I am anyway.

 

JenJen called tonight, as she was worried that I wasn’t posting.  She said that was her secret way of making sure I was okay, was to read my posts…  I miss seeing her.  I talk to her and stuff, but it’s not the same.

 

And KLM moved back to Phoenix!  I’m so excited!  I miss her soooo much too.  I sound like a kid.  All these people, and I miss them all so much…  What am I doing that I don’t get to see/talk to them?

 

I’m going to send the IMs that I have saved with CSA Girl to her tonight.  I want her to have something to read when I’m not online.  I know she has problems sleeping, and I feel bad that I can’t always be there for her.  However, I just went to send them to her, and I got stuck working emails for the past 20 minutes.  Now I know why I don’t connect to the VPN. 

 

24 Season finale was on tonight.  I got home with just 3 minutes to spare to make sure I recorded it.  I forgot to tell the TiVo to get it.  I had Cookie as my backup plan though…

 

Ant Boy’s last day at work is Friday.  His consulting days are over.  Hopefully he can make that calendar of 365 ways to do the things you want to do, regardless of where you work.  He has workarounds for everything that your company won’t let you do on the network.  He’s only 25 too.  If only I started on computers when I was younger…

 

I talked to Karen today.  She is really cute when she is with Dreyfuss and she has just woken up.  I love the simple beauty.  She referenced Vegas the other day, and she just got back from the Virgin Islands.  I told her I want to go to Disneyland, and she stated that she is going there for the 4th of July.  I'm so jealous.  I almost asked her for coffee sometime, but couldn't get myself to do it.  I'm sure I'll see her again soon...

 

I talked to Mortuary Girl.  We’re going to dinner on Thursday night.  I’m looking forward to that.

 

Okay, well, this doesn’t feel very complete, but I need to post it.  I know people have been impatient with me, and I won’t use the patience is a virtue BS.  God I miss JB.  Anywho.  I’m assuming I’m going to make the others public now.  I wasn’t really hiding anything.  I just wanted to go away for awhile.   I may do it again…we’ll see… Go to sleep CSA Girl.  Sweet Dreams all…

 

JB

Katie has started eating her apple.  She just takes these monstrous bites.  I don’t know why it is so entertaining.  She can be just so obnoxious, and she doesn’t even know it.  Sometimes I wonder if you can learn a lot about somebody by watching how they eat an apple.  She eats it with such furious, powerful, oversized bites.  Anywho…

 

Today was a tough day for everybody at work, both here and for our counterparts in Wisconsin.  We were all just difficult.  For one reason, somebody/something logged on and then logged off our FTP server.  Yeah, the one with nothing on it.  What do we do?  Rebuild it, oh, and our NDM server too.  Because it’s not like they are in production or anything.  No big deal.  Yeah, right.  Anyway…  Between Karen being frustrated with that, me with the Desktop App (6/1 release date was just moved to 5/24) and Web Portal, Leesha with the IVR, we are all ready to hurt somebody.  Hence the reason our room is called the “Paradise Room”.  We try to keep ourselves entertained so we don’t hurt each other.  I gave Karen my cookie to make her better, and I think it helped.  She stated she was going to make cupcakes for us tomorrow.  I sound like Homer Simpson: mmmm…cupcakes… 

 

Well, Cookie was approached with a job opportunity in IT, as if the 10k she makes more than me isn’t enough, she’s would get at least another 5k more.  That’s without pushing.  What sucks, is that she was told that was a low level salary.  Where the fuck does that put me???  So, needless to say, I went home after hearing that.  Fuck that.  I’m not going to work my ass off for less than what everybody else is making.  I do more work (and hours) than fucking directors.  Not to mention that they come to me for answers.  I declined a meeting today with one, and told him to talk to his staff or take a training class, as I don’t have time to help him.  Kinda cold, but I’m fed up.  Between our fucking Wisconsin counterparts, and our network team, the QA environment for our web site and our Desktop App was down.  All day.  Did anybody work to fix it?  No.  Who do you think was in a command prompt verifying IPs and checking connections in a DOS window?  Not the network team.  The shit got fixed, as always, but still.  I’m tired of being unappreciated.  I know I sound like Kolohegirl, but, I’m done…

 

And there were way too many references to Jerry Maguire today.  At least 5 or 6.  It was kinda weird.  CSA Girl told me that I’m too much like Jerry Maguire.  Like him, I think the reasons I’m doing things are for somebody else, but, really and eventually, I’ll realize that I’m doing things for myself.  Recognizing that fact would make me happier.  I love talking to her, as she always provides an excellent conversation, is fun to joust with, and is a great new friend.

 

Well, I met match.com whore #3.  She was very nice, and I have a hard time using that name.  It was just one of those Batlover terms that stuck with us.  Anyway, I met her at Starbucks, we were there for like three hours.  It was just great conversation.  She has two licenses.  Not just one.  And I know more about what a Funeral Director does than I ever did before.  Yeah, it’s everything.  As in, they go and pick up the bodies, drive them back, help with funeral arrangements, and her second license is for embalming.  So, she shocked me a little bit, but I’m past it.  We talked about all the moves she’s made within the state and to Utah.  I’ve learned that she got a DVD player for Christmas and she hasn’t even opened the box.  Still.  I’d love to be able to help with that.  Me and my toys.  I get a thrill just helping others with their toys.  She seemed a little frigid for me, straight laced and religious.  She was just too nice for me…

 

Okay, well, experience #3 was most enjoyable last night.  As was Scary Movie 3 and the Dave Chappell shows.  I can’t imagine what his shows would be like unless they were unedited like they were on the DVDs we watched.  What other way is there to watch them?  And thanks for keeping your “hands” to yourself.  It was fun making dinner, and I’m sorry if the long sleeve shirt was too much for you.

 

I went to lunch with Christy today.  It was really great.  I had no idea it would be that nice.  I learned a lot about her.  There were things she told me that she said she doesn’t really tell people (add her to the list of people that open up to me).  I’d love the opportunity to talk to her again, as she seems like she is much more deep and intellectual than she leads on.  I think I could just spend my life talking to people.  I’m in the wrong field.  Anyway, not only is she cute, but she was great to talk to as well.

 

If you could not already tell, things with Mystery Girl are just not as great as I would hope.  I’ve talked to her a few times, but I really miss her.  Things just aren’t the same.  I still wonder what it is that she does during the evenings.  She called me after work, but I had left my cell phone at home on accident.  It was just weird from having such a great evening to the next day hearing that it just wouldn’t work.  She bought herself an ant farm today, as she was jealous of hearing us talk about ours in the Paradise Room.  She got it off of E-Bay (like I said, she’s a fanatic in denial).  I delude myself into thinking that it was her loss that we aren’t together.  It’s not really working.

 

CSA Girl, it’s interesting trying to find that dividing line between work and outside of work with us.  As of right now, there doesn’t seem to be one.  I’ll give Terry a swift kick in the ass, and make sure he doesn’t fuck anything else up for us.  Can we just blame our bad day on him?  As we are the ones keeping the project moving forward too.  He just gets credit as a Project Manager.  We were the ones there in the beginning.  There should be a splash screen when opening the app that says:  In the beginning, there was CSA Girl and JB (insert real names there)…  and it could continue for awhile about how great we are and stuff.  Yeah, I’m tired.  Now I’m starting to sound like one of your late night insomniac posts with the “if this sounds weird it’s because I’m really tired” spiel.

 

And one more note, I like the conversation between Mystery Girl and CSA (CIA) Girl.  I think it's cute how people who don't even know each other can chat as I sit by, just watching on the side, entertained all the while...

 

Okay, this was a quick and short one, as I’m falling asleep fast.  Nighty Night…

What ever happened to not playing games?  How can you end a call with I’m going to get coffee I’ll talk to you later?  I mean, come on.  If you would have let me finish, I was going to say that it was exactly as I planned.  She was a very conservative religious girl, and I didn’t have the slightest interest.  But no, you were so busy being upset that you didn’t give me a chance to say that.  I had to drag it out of you earlier that you didn’t like me seeing anybody else.  But I can’t help but feel like you don’t want to be with me, but I can’t be with anybody else either.  I would give it all up.  I jump through so many hoops, and it kills me when I know I do something you don’t like, or when I get the feeling I disappoint you.  I would do everything to make you feel special, what I have with you I have with nobody else.  I want to watch Vanilla Sky, I want to go to Olive Garden.  But I don’t do things I want to do because I know doing something else would make you happy.  I want to do anything to make you happy, but I’d like you to understand where I’m coming from.  I can’t help but feel you have a bad impression of me, and I feel I’m doing everything I can to fight that fact.  But to no avail.  It shouldn’t be this difficult.  If you only knew what I thought of you, or that when I talk to people, I often talk about spending time with you.  Everybody is jealous of Mystery Girl.  What I’ve got with you I have with nobody else.  But when you are ready, then you come find me.  I’m not going to continue to defend my actions.  I know I’m a good person, I know I would do anything for you.  But I’m not going to make myself feel guilty for being happy.  I’d give it all up.  When you are ready for that, let me know.  Please let me know what it is that I can do, as I want you to be treated like a princess, and I want to be the one to treat you like that.  But it doesn’t feel like I can, as much as I want to…

It was a very pleasant evening.  Sometimes it just all comes together in the end.  Maybe I should start with last night.  PPE and Kolohegirl came over.  We played quarters, Kolohegirl pulled a Data and walked into my screen door.  The reference to Data is from Goonies, one of my favorite movies.  I in fact had it playing over and over again last night as I slept.  I dropped $500 at Costco, on the X-Files season 6 (my favorite season), and on a Sony Surround Sound system for my bedroom.  The Bose system in my family room just wasn’t enough.  Then I went and spent $50 at the grocery store.  Alcohol, snacks, and condoms.  The important things in life.  CSA Girl, with a last sentence like that, I kinda do feel like a slut.  Well, after they headed home, I finally got to bed at about 3 or 4 am.  I was supposed to see Mystery Girl this AM, but she didn’t call.  Cox Communications did though.  And showed up at my place bright and early to check out my internet connection (it hasn’t been up consistently).  After they left, I went back to bed, and spent the entire day there until 7:30pm.  From about 4-7:30 I watched more X-Files, and finished off the Tostitos that we opened the night before.  I picked up the shot glasses and other bottles that we left on the back patio, and then just laid in my bed, enjoying my new toys.  I also spent a good part of the evening talking to CSA girl via IM.  I just love talking to her.  She leads an interesting lifestyle, from the insomnia, the separate rooms, to all the other unknowns that I learn everyday.  Well, at 7:30pm Mystery Girl called, and asked to go out.  I of course was giddy with excitement.  She met me here and I decided that since I have no money now (the Mother Hen in CSA Girl can’t stop me from a distance, and Kolohegirl made me buy it), that we would use the $25 gift card to Olive Garden that Jim gave me at work.  The irony of it all.  Well, we were on our way there when she changed her mind and wanted to go to La Parilla Suiza.  It’s a Mexican restaurant near Paradise Valley Mall.  Of course, in the parking lot, she sees her parents car.  Not wanting to meet them prior to a planned meeting, we waited for them to leave (I wasn’t lucky to use that as an excuse to get my Olive Garden).  Then, as we were walking in, we see Kim.  The Kim that Cookie was talking to the other day about how good I was in bed.  The timing was perfect.  Of course, I tried to avoid her, as I was embarresed enough from Cookie’s comments, and I didn’t want to introduce Mystery Girl, and it sure wouldn’t be an introduction as “this is Mystery Girl…”  I didn’t want a name and description to get back to Cookie, as the mystery would end.  So, we got out of there after dinner without incident.  I’ll have to catch up with Kim sometime later.  She paid for her half of dinner, and although I thought that was good as I have no money, I thought it sucked afterwards as I should be taking her out for her birthday (it was on Wed), and as I type this I remember the fact that her cell phone bill is exceptionally high ($300+).  Regardless, it was too late, she paid her half, and we were on our way back to my place.  On the way there, she saw Fireworks from Rawhide (tonight was a military event there that we read about on our company e-mail).  We drove over there and sat and chatted.  We discussed a lot of personal things, specifically about sex, and what is important in relationships.  It was…different, as I hadn’t had that conversation before.  There is way too much sex and conversation around sex going on in my life right now.  Not that I should complain, I’m just not used to it all.  Well, after sitting in the car there for awhile, we were driving to my place (again), and she wanted to go to a place to overlook the city.  It was during this time that I was denied a kiss, my first attempt, even though it was a peck.  She felt really bad afterwards, because she didn’t want to give me the wrong impression.  She just doesn’t want a relationship right now, but she really likes me.  I was fine with that, and didn’t let it get me down.  She was really impressed with Aura, as many of the songs were ones she liked.  We found our spot, and layed back looking at the stars through the sunroof.  I played with her hair, and tickled her back, and it was very relaxing for both of us.  We talked about, well, just stuff I guess, and it was really nice.  I would honestly have to say it was the most romantic time we’ve ever had together.  It was just peaceful, and beautiful.  The music, the mood, the location, all of it was perfect.  It was very nice.  We made a quick bid on E-Bay (this is a normal thing for her to do, as she is always on E-Bay), then headed back to my place (for real this time).  It was 12:30am, so she headed home right away, but it was a great ending for the evening. It ended on a high note.  Reference my first two sentences to this post.  After getting home, I answered a few e-mails to CSA Girl, and called Kolohegirl.  I saw somebody posted that I need to write something again.  I’m sorry that you do not know that I am posting.  I'm thinking I'm going to make all my messages private for awhile, as public messages seem to be causing a stir.  I just worry now about offending people or saying something they don't like.  Something I never worried about before.  When it's private, I can write what I want and not worry.  This is why people often have 2 Xanga sites.  One for everybody, one for just them.  I don’t want that.  I may look into using the protected posts option, but we’ll see how things develop.  Tonight will consist of another X-Files episode or two, and maybe some music as I fall asleep.  Tomorrow I’m supposed to see Match.com whore #3 (for those that don’t know, this term is a Batlover term).  I’m meeting her at Starbucks.  I learned that there are a few celebrities that have Xanga sites.  I find that intriguing.  It’s Christy’s Birthday today, I’m taking her to lunch next week.  She is just a blast to talk to, as she always makes me laugh.  Well, I’m going to turn on my X-Files now, and get some sleep soon.  It’s almost 2 am.  I hope all is well with you.  Sweet Dreams,

 

JB