Now this is exactly what I’m going to be doing in Hawaii.  Sitting here, on the beach, looking at its beauty.  You can look out forever.  The sun is just now setting.  You can see the coastline and the city to the left and to the right.  But it’s beach forever.  It’s beautiful.  The waves crashing in with the steady sound.  There is even a couple holding hands walking down the beach.  The sky is beautiful, the colors are beautiful.  It doesn’t get much better than this.  I even saw a few people with surfboards farther down when I was driving.  I didn’t hear from Karen tonight, but that is okay, as this is amazing.  The view from the Coronado bridge was amazing.  It is a great look at downtown, the bay, the ships, everything.  I’m going to head to Hard Rock Café after this.  A nice walk, a nice dinner, and then head to bed.  As tomorrow I have another Navy base to go to, then I’m off to Hawaii for a week.  I can see a few bonfires along the beach too.  That’s so cool.  Not too far from here I can see the remnants of a sand castle that kids must have built earlier in the day.  And way out in the distance I can see a light from a ship or two.  With every moment that passes, the sky gets a little darker, the orange tends to fade to blue and the clouds will blend in and soon become invisible.  And the slight breeze gets a little cooler.  You can see a few stars begin to appear in the sky.  You can see and hear a few birds, and even watch them as they too walk along the beach.  Pecking down every once in awhile.  The sights, the smells, the sounds.  I love to take it all in…  I went to Miramar earlier, and that was, well, I believe I used the word “trippy” with MG2.  She called me.  I was so excited.  I didn’t know what to say.  It’s been days since we’ve talked on the phone.  I got a few e-mails, but it’s been very quiet.  I leave her messages on her cell phone, at home, and even send a few e-mails for her to have when she returns.  We spoke briefly about having things the other should see.  Well, put this at the top of the list.  God, Mother Nature, Science, whatever it may be, it should get some serious credit for this.  It’s Aura at its best...

Okay, want to know the only thing that can be worse than being at home and lonely?  Not being at home and still lonely.  MG2’s favorite movie is on, Happy Gilmore.  I’m being sarcastic, as she didn’t like it.  He has one of those “talk about your all time backfires”, when he made a bet for a kiss and lost.  I did the same at Goofy Golf.  It makes sense that I would be tipsy now, as I just got done drinking a pint of beer, I hadn’t eaten all day, and I rarely drink.  The place I was just at, The Yard House, had 130 handles (110 individual beers) on tap.  It boasts the most beers on draft anywhere in the world.  The one in Long Beach has 250 beers on tap.  That’s a lot of beer.  I thought it was an unwritten rule that I needed to get a beer, so I tried samples of 3:  Ballast Yellowtale Pale Ale, Coronado Mermaid Red Ale, and Lost Coast Downtown Brown.  Then I ordered the Pale Ale.  I felt a little odd sitting at that big ‘ol booth by myself, but it was nice and relaxing. 

 

On the flight from Phoenix to L.A, I met Layce, she was deaf so I signed for a moment with her, as I get excited when meeting somebody that knows sign language.  I thought about getting her e-mail address, as she lives in Washington DC, and it would be nice to chat with somebody, but I passed.  I sat next to a woman, a gorgeous one at that, she was on a business trip.  I didn’t catch her name, but she lives in Phoenix, and had implanted some grafts in sheep to see the impact, so that way they can be used in people eventually to replace veins and such.  She was on her way to L.A. to take them out and see how it went.  I was impressed with her job, and she was impressed with mine.  It was a quick, but nice chat.  The flight into San Diego was just the way Dominatrix (my nickname for K-Girl’s friend) described it.  It’s a quick drop, but a neat view.  I walked around the bay this evening, found my way to where I’m going tomorrow, and made sure I knew my way back to the airport.  I was pretty bummed when I got to San Diego, as I got the same crappy Chevy rental car that I always get (I’m going to rent a Mustang one of these days), the sky was overcast, and my hotel, well, was disappointing.  It’s in downtown San Diego, which is nice, but it’s the Ramada.  It’s historic.  It’s nice, but historic.  And you know me, I’m a snob.  So, this place doesn’t quite cut it for me.  That’s okay, I’ll be out of here before I know it, and I just need to keep walking around and looking at stuff.  I’ll be at work all day tomorrow, and I’ll be at dinner with Karen tomorrow night (I’ll have to call to find out where).  It took my sister all of about 10 minutes to almost kill Tigger.  She left the door to the garage open, Tigger ran out.  All I heard was her scream his name and a screech on the brakes of a car.  He was fine, he wasn’t hit, but still.  Just add that to the list of reasons why I didn’t want to take him there. 

 

Well, I went out on a huge limb.  I gave MG2 the link.  We’ll see how that works out.  She’s going to think I’m a freak, which I am, so, maybe it fits.  She has sent me a few e-mails from an account she created on the cruise ship.  I’m sure she paid a pretty penny for that.  It was very sweet.  She told me her phone hasn’t been getting reception, so I may hear from her when she docks at wherever she is going.  She is near Glacier Bay now.  She says it is very beautiful.  I wish I was there with her, but then again, I wish she was here with me.  It’s nice to walk around the downtown area here, but it’d be better to be with her.  Well, I’m going to get some sleep, as it is almost 11.  I hope things go well tomorrow.  Night…

I need a break.  What’s sad is that I’m on a break.  I need a break from that too I guess.  It’s just too much.  Sometimes life can get overwhelming.  Now is one of those times.  Fucking Me.  I’m the one that has the problem.  I just need a break from it all.  I need alone time.  I already feel alone, but I guess it's not enough.  I guess I will have that on these next two trips, and, it really can’t get any better than San Diego and Hawaii, but still.  I guess I just need to collect my thoughts.  What those are I’m not sure.  I’m not prepared for these trips, mentally, and actually.  Mentally I just am not ready, I have too much on my mind.  I haven’t printed any directions, I don’t know exactly where I’m going, I need to do so much today still.  I have to take Tigger so he can be watched.  I have bills to pay, I have my cleaning people coming, and this place is a mess.  Fucking pillow cases.  Egyptian cotton, am I happy?  Nope.  Well, I got the bed too.  All that’s left is the PC, and at this point, I could care less about it.  She met one of the guys she’s been talking to online.  She got it on with him last night.  And I was worried yesterday that I ruined her day.  Right.  Well, if you are thinking that her doing that is what has me in the emotional state I’m in you are wrong.  I could care less about that.  I do care that I argued with her, yes, again.  I’m tired of it.  “If I ever end up with somebody, she has to be the dumbest bitch on Earth.”  That was her quote for me today.  Doesn’t that just make me feel warm and fuzzy?  Don’t get me wrong, I deserve it.  I’m just like my father.  It sucks.  I see it and I don’t like it.  That just relates back to the reason that I don’t know that I should have children.  It’s funny, all these people just think I’m some great thing.  I couldn’t be farther from.  So what, I share my emotions?  So fucking what?  That doesn’t excuse the fact that I’m a dick.  I don’t know what I want in life.  I like MG2, but for some stupid reason I feel I have to decide right this moment if I want to spend the rest of my life with her.  Why?  I know she likes me, I know she really likes me.  But I’m just worried that I’d be the beloved.  I don’t want that.  I don’t want to feel like I’m dragging her on.  I’m not.  I’m interested.  But I’m just not sure what I want in life.  Am I commitment phobic?  Perhaps.  Do I want some young hot blond with big tits?  Perhaps.  But what I really want in life is somebody who loves me as much as I love them.  I don’t know when it’ll hit.  When I’ll meet that person, if I already have, or what I’m doing.  It all is too much for me.  It’s hard with her gone.  I had no idea it would be like this.  It’s harder not talking to her.  I love the way I can look at her when she is sleeping, and I love the things she says to me.  I just don’t know what I want in life.  I need a break.  This is supposed to be a relaxing time.  I shouldn’t have come back to Phoenix.  I should have stayed in Wisconsin.  No should mean no.  It can be hard to say no, it can be harder to reinforce no.  Well, it was easy to say no, but, like I said, it can be harder to reinforce it.  I drove three people home after Kolohegirl's party.  I’ve spent way more money than I should have.  I cancelled Match.com.  I did it because I'm happy with MG2, but thinking about it now, it will be nice to save $15 a month.  I wrote in one of those stories as to how it has gone, since I met her through the site.  It's been great.  I go through these periods, where I just need a break from people.  It’s nobody in particular.  Life just gets overwhelming, and I’m young still, remember?  MG2 really has me thinking about what I want when I die.  She’s made me tackle that part of my life.  That final fear that I need to overcome.  She doesn’t intentionally make me think about it, but I can’t help it.  I just want to overcome it and move on to everything else with her.  It’s hard to think about.  www.alcor.org  I could designate a whole post to my thoughts and feelings about it.  I just want to plan it all now and get it out of the way.  I talked to Christy last night, via e-mail.  A lot.  I really feel like I broke that wall down that she had up.  It’s nice to be able to learn about her.  I don’t know how her and Jake are doing, but she’s staying focused on work, school, and her goals in life and that is good.  I also talked to Karen this morning.  We will be getting dinner on Wed night in San Diego.  She’s going to Universal first on Tuesday.  She got the VIP package and she said she’d let me know how it is, as I might get that on my trip there (assuming I get to go this summer, hopefully with MG2).  What is my purpose for these two trips?  What are my goals?  I know work thinks it’s to work, and fine.  But besides that.  The nights in the hotels, the walking and driving around the cities, the sitting on the beach in Hawaii.  What do I plan to accomplish?  Find my inner self?  What the hell is that?  I just have so many thoughts.  I’m overwhelmed.  I’m not cutting anybody off.  I just need a break.  I don’t want to think anymore.  I need to organize my life.  How many times have I said that before today?  I love my bed.  It’s always here for me.  Well, I can put my first tears on my new pillow cases.  I best appreciate them.  I should learn to appreciate them as I should learn to appreciate everything else that I have in life…but that’s me.  Unappreciative.

Well, I’m now on my flight back to Phoenix from Wisconsin.  I had to stop in Atlanta for an hour.  The flight actually flew out of Chicago.  I was worried that I wasn’t going to make it in time because my mom was driving slow enough to drive Ms. Daisy.  My brother was supposed to drive me but he stayed home and slept.  I don’t remember where I left off last.  I did a lot of stuff on this trip.  Most of it for fun.  I got work stuff accomplished, but it was a fun trip.  My mind was on vacation.  I talked to MG2 several times, at least once a day.  Sometimes for several hours, on one night in particular.  I was in Portage, and would walk to the top of the hill as that’s where I got the best reception, as I didn’t get very good reception at the house.  Like none actually.  I’m listening to the CD CSA Girl made for me.  The song right now is Mrs. Robinson.  It made me laugh hearing it.  I enjoyed walking outside and talking to MG2.  There was one night where she was describing how pretty of a night it was.  She was in Tucson at the time, and it was hard to think that although we were under the same sky, seeing the same moon, the same stars, being so close, yet so far away.  She actually mentioned that fact in her next e-mail to me.  I didn’t catch what movie they are playing on this flight.  I’ve got plenty of my own to watch.  The flight from Chicago to Atlanta was kinda brutal.  I thought at first that I was going to have a middle seat, as the seat letter was “E”.  But, as it turned out, it was a window seat.  Well, I saw a woman and her son headed my way, the woman had the seat next to me, and the son was on the other side.  Well, he took the window seat on the other side.  He was all dressed up in a suit and tie, and couldn’t have been more than 11 years old.  He was very, very well behaved.  They were middle eastern.  Hidalgo is the movie on the flight.  Looked pretty good, but I won’t be watching it.  Okay, so, the were from the middle east.  I don’t know that I would say I’m racist, well, I suppose I have to be a little bit.  I don’t know.  I don’t think of them with a negative connotation, but the fact that I separate them out at all concerns me.  I always say stuff like “Damn Mexicans”, or some other comment in jest, but it is truly in jest.  I’ll make reference to them with landscaping, cleaning, or some other stupid ass comment (as that is what they are), but I don’t think they are bad people, or that I am any better than them.  Anyway, I offered to the woman to let her son sit next to her, she asked him in some other language and he looked excited, so I moved.  Well, then “Ms. THANG” walked down the aisle and told me that I was in her seat.  Well, I moved from the window to the middle seat (self fulfilling prophecy?).  The woman hit her head on the compartment above (if she had less attitude maybe she wouldn’t have), I asked her if she was okay, and she said “no, I’m cranky”.  So, she continued to sigh through the entire trip every time a baby would cry, or if she was upset about something, and you should have seen her frustration when we landed, but it took forever to get to the gate.  She said she felt like Rosa Parks’ sister, on the back of the plane.  There was an overwhelming majority of, what’s the politically correct term nowadays?  Black?  African American?  Hell if I know.  Anywho, well, she made me laugh a little bit, as her attitude was amusing.  She was from Louisiana.  She asked if I changed seats, as she read my boarding pass, and I told her yes, as I let the mother and son sit together.  I also told her that he was sitting in the window seat, so that was why I did.  She just wanted to get off the plane.  Well, the man on the other side of me was from Alabama.  He was a pastor at a church there.  I saw him reading something about Sunday School.  He talked to a little girl that came back to see her mom and teased her a little.  Asked her about church, if she sang in the choir, and gave her his card.  She was probably only 13.  I landed in Atlanta and I forwarded Queer Eye’s e-mails to him for work, replied to a few others of my own.  One because CSA Girl was approving the app for production, and a few other ones preparing for my next few trips.  I still have about 100 unread e-mails.  I need to get to work on those.  It’s at the point now where they need to stand out or else I don’t read them, or read them very late.  This CD is very good.  David Duchovny, why won’t you love me?  Where do you find these songs?  This song is cool.  I must say, I’m impressed.  Very upbeat, very happy CD is very true.  The first song was kinda hard on me, it made me feel, well, like your cat.  Pandora (aka Slut).  Always looking for love, you could be my next girlfriend, some theme like that?  I watched “Love, Actually” with CSA Girl.  It was very good.  I had to hold back the tears (of course).  I felt kinda bad because she shared it with me, and I just couldn’t wait to share the movie with MG2.  Well, I went to dinner with CSA Girl on several occasions.  We went to Fyfe’s.  That was good.  I totally beat her to the check, but it didn’t work.  As the waitress sided with the female.  Not cool.  But I made up for it on the full body massages we had on our last day together.  That was GREAT.  Very relaxing, peaceful.  It was much needed after our movie: Fahrenheit 9/11.  I enjoyed the movie, but it was kinda tough to watch.  I didn’t hold back the tears on that one.  I don’t like pushing things on other people, propaganda and such, but I think it was a movie that was, well, informative?  I don’t take everything I read, see, and hear as fact.  I collect the information, and do with it as I choose.  And that’s what I think plays here.  I think people should at least hear the information.  Hopefully it will at least make you think.  It was bashing Bush though…so, note that fact before you go.  Also, it didn’t capitalize so much on 9/11.  In fact, it was very brief.  At least, so I thought.  I know Michael Moore, Bob and Harvey Weinstein went through a lot of work to get it released.  A lot of people/companies were forced away from it by pressure from the government.  Mel Gibson was told he would not be invited to the White House again if he supported the film.  Disney dropped it, and it ended up coming out of individuals’ pockets to help push it to theaters.  I saw a shirt of a guy in line for the next showing that I read and found funny:  The Earth is flat, cigarettes are harmless, Bush was elected.  After the movie, we went to, yes, Rocky’s.  I couldn’t eat, as the movie messed me up a little bit, but the company was nice, and we needed to go somewhere.  I’m excited to be on my way home.  Even if it is for a few days.  I’m going to hold out on the snack, food and drink on the flight.  I’m not going to pay for that crap food, and the pretzels I had before made my stomach funky.  So, I’ll suffer and then just eat in Phoenix.  I mean, who the hell would pay $8 for food on the airline?  I hope MG2 doesn’t order food on the airline, read this, and make me feel stupid.  Okay, well the guy next to me orders food.  Alrighty then.  To each his own.  I couldn’t get enough Culver’s when I was in WI.  I’m going to miss it.  It was really good.  Today is my Dad’s birthday.  July 2^nd.  I don’t have to drive to California anymore with Lisa.  She got her kids a flight instead.  Okay, well the pilot said that the turbulence we are having will continue for the next 200 miles.  Great.  I finally talked to Terry’s Ann the other day.  That’s what he calls her: “My Ann”.  Versus my boss Ann.  Well, actually, that’s the other news.  Terry is my new boss.  Yup.  That’ll be nice and weird.  Good thing I already bitched about my pay and gave him justification why I’m getting screwed long before he was my boss.  This way he knows where I stand.  I also went off on Rose and Katie too.  So, all that will have to come to a stop, as it wouldn’t be right.  But he told me to relax and that it’ll be fine.  He said this way he can have our 1 on 1’s at Starbucks.  He is also trying to recruit Cookie.  That’ll be interesting.  Just what I need.  Her in my little unit too.  It’s not like I don’t already work with her often, but still.  It kind of sucks that her and I have such a large amount of knowledge that we have to keep going to each other for things and answers.  I feel even weirder working with her, and thinking about MG2 as often as I do.  Because I talk to people about her, then those same people talk to Cookie.  Oh well.  I can’t change my life because of it.  Well, I can, but I won’t.  I’m happy.  Terry also knows who Cookie is now, so that too is weird.  She knows he knows too.  The woman sitting behind me is playing footsie with me.  Think she knows it?  There was one point where she even put her foot part way up my pant leg.  I was pleased to hear some of the songs in Love, Actually.  CSA Girl said she liked them, and that’s good because a lot of them are on Aura.  Oh, speaking of Aura.  There was a girl I walked past at the airport in Atlanta, and she had an accent as she spoke on her cell phone, it sounded just like JB.  It was like, great, anything else that can make this trip to Atlanta better?  As I had just gotten off that flight with Rosa Parks’ sister…  Well, this is the last song on disc 1, and I’m thinking, I’m worried CSA Girl is going to ask me what I think, and I’m going to be speechless.  To high, too far, too soon…  I can relate to a lot of them, and I love the CD.  It’s a lot of music that I normally wouldn’t hear, so I’m excited to have some new stuff.  More block text I have here.  That always pissed Cookie off.  That’s another thing.  For somebody I’m over I sure do think of her a lot.  Well, maybe not a lot, but more than I’d prefer.  And to be honest, a lot of the times are times in which I know I could be doing something better.  I just felt like she was, always looking to improve me.  Not that I don’t need it, but did I not live up to her expectations?  I know all she really wanted was for me to love her.  And I did, just not on the level that she wanted.  I still stand by the fact that I’ve been in love twice.  Twice in a way in which I could picture myself with that person forever.  JenJen and JB.  I haven’t been around the block much.  Well, I don’t want to be somebody that has a long list, so when I find “the one”, I can say “Yup, here’s my long list of ex’s and all the women I’ve been with”.  Not exactly something to be proud of if you ask me.  I know CSA Girl just says it’s a number, and I know my number is lower than hers.  Much lower.  I’m probably in trouble.  But such is life.  She loves her husband, and they have a great, but interesting relationship.  She has no regrets.  Not about numbers, not about him and that’s great.  I just wish I could be as comfortable with that stuff.  I went to meet my sister for dinner after the massage, but she didn’t show.  My family says she is an alcoholic, and that she even has a cooler in her car.  I don’t know.  I’m starting to worry, what the hell is in store for me?  Will any of our family be okay?  I just want to go home, get some food, and sleep in my bed.  I’d want to see MG2 but she is already on her way for her trip.  Her cruise in Alaska.  She can’t seem to access her e-mail over the web, so she is using her sister’s account.  Not sure that I want to send something like this to that account.  When I first started writing, I thought I’d share it with her, but as I continue, and as I look back on what I wrote, I wonder, should I not edit it?  Well, I won’t do that.  I refuse.  And even if I do send it to her to read, I’ll have to think twice before I send it to her sister’s account.  I think MG2 is perfect, but she says her sister is even better.  And I don’t want to disappoint her sister.  So, I shouldn’t put anything out there that would make me look bad.  Her sister is the one who now lives in Tucson with her husband.  I have no clue what I’m going to do this weekend.  The 4^th of July…  I have Monday off from work.  Well, I recognize this song.  Peter Gabriel.  In Your Eyes.  I could totally make a love CD.  Chicago, Peter Gabriel, it would be great.  Well, one night in Wisconsin we went to the Blue Plate Diner, where I had my Spriecher’s root beer, that would be Doodlebear’s relative’s drink.  And I had some cheesecake.  CSA Girl was in a hurry to get out of there, as she didn’t want to keep them when they were about to close.  Then, there’s me, who thought, it’s only a few minutes, we’re not the only ones, and they have plenty of other stuff to do.  We went walking late one night to go for a drink, some food and just chat.  Well, we walked past like four bars until we found one that suited her.  So, we played darts there (I got my ass kicked at that too).  I’m starting to wonder if there is anything that I’ll win at anymore.  We played Cricket.  2 games.  Lost them both.  We went to Noah’s Ark on Tuesday.  Doodlebear (Justin’s girlfriend), Justin, my mom, the kids and I all went.  That was a day in which my mind could wander.  All I thought about was what it would be like if MG2 was there.  Am I in love with the idea of being in love?  I didn’t say I was….but…  I would have loved for her to be there.  I wonder what she would want to do, would she want to just lay in the sun?  Would she share a big tube with me on the lazy river?  Would she go in the wave pool with me?  Would she go down the steep slides with me?  Would she share a berries and cream with me?  I’m a piggy.  But I love food, just my food.  I put on the sun block three times.  I did pretty well.  I hope to get some more sun while in Hawaii.  Well, the best rides were The Plunge, and probably the Stingray.  I’m not much of a souvenir person, so I hope people aren’t disappointed.  I just don’t do those things.  I did my last trip, not this one.  And when you do, you don’t know who to get things for, and what to get them.  It’s brutal.  So, I’m doing minimal this trip.  Very, very few…  My stomach hurts because I’m hungry.  Well, Cookie finally took my advice and went online.  She’s chatted with several people.  One in which she is interested in.  That’s great.  I’m happy, because I don’t like talking to her when she is down.  I don’t know what to say to help.  I, like CSA Girl, have a helping problem.  Sometimes, not always.  Well, I can’t talk to her about MG2, and that’s fine.  But she was in Wisconsin the same time I was, so I was next to her like the entire time.  CSA Girl was a little perturbed with the situation.  It was too intense for her.  It wasn’t bad for me, as I’m used to it.  But I did feel bad when she used my laptop for something, and saw the MS Word docs.  Well, they were posts and/or e-mails that I had drafted.  Some of the titles in which stated: “Miss You” and “Hey Sweetie”.  So, she wasn’t very happy with that.  I guess that’s one way to reinforce that I’ve moved on.  She teared up a little bit and was frustrated with herself for still being upset over me.  I can’t help but feel like a horrible person.  I mean, look, I really have moved on, I’m very happy, I can’t wait to see MG2, Lucy and Sierra and my ex is lonely and crying over me.  It just makes me feel bad.  I don’t want to feel bad.  I don’t know what to type now.  I can’t end it like that, and I have an hour or so left of the flight.  This disc 2 is just as good as the first.  Some of the instrumental parts are really cool.  Dave Matthews.  This must be my homework assignment that I didn’t complete.  It had a great intro with the flute and percussion.  The masseuse’s name was Jessica.  She had two kids, Jacob who is 5, and Emma who is 6 months.  Her husband is a grad student.  She works part time and is at home with the kids the rest of it.  Why do I remember things like this?  Well, I have a feeling I might have to go back to Wisconsin in a month or so.  That was the impression Ann gave me, and Terry did again too.  Great, then I have to leave MG2 and everybody again.  I can’t wait to see Tigger.  Even if it is only for a few days.  I’m going to have to sleep on the flight to Hawaii.  No way I’m going to be able to survive a 5 hour flight.  I think it is cute that every time I say I’m going to melt when I get wet, that MG2 says it’s because I’m sweet.  I’ve never heard that before.  I can just hear PPE groaning and see her rolling her eyes reading that.  I know how she feels, as I feel that way every time I watch or listen to my brother and his girlfriend.  Instead of playing marco polo, they play doodle bear.  She bought 2, not 1, but 2 shirts that say I love Justin.  Actually, love was replaced with a huge pink heart.  Country?  I’m impressed.  She put a country song on here?  It sounded country.  Now I’m not sure.  There are some great country love songs.  Oh, that Tim McGraw/Faith Hill song: It’s Your Love.  That’s a favorite of mine…  Anyway, well, I’m going to bring this to an end.  I figure 5 pages of straight text with no paragraphs is a lot for anybody to read.  Hopefully the time will go fast and I’ll be in Phoenix, eating, and sleeping in my bed soon.  I can just hear my brother: “Put the fork down.”  He thinks I eat too much.  Maybe I do.  My profile said she will want me for me.  Eating habits and all.  I’ll give MG2 a call to see how she is doing on her trip.  I hope to see Kolohegirl, KLM, PPE and others this weekend at least once.  Maybe we could make up for that missed trip to Carrabba’s?  I do have to stop by work for some stuff.  Maybe I’ll type more on my next two trips, I was just so busy on this one.  Well, Take Care…

It’s been awhile.  A long while.  For me, at least.  A lot has happened.  I don’t know where to start.  Things with MG2 are going quite well.  Don’t tell her, but she has me scared.  I can see how much she cares for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I really like her too, but I don’t want to hurt her.  I seem to be skilled at that…

 

Well, I’m won’t be at work in Phoenix for a month.  One week ago today (6/18) it all came to be: a flight to Madison, a flight to San Diego, and a flight to Honolulu.  Then, with CSA Girl coming the day after I get back from Hawaii, I’ll be out of the building in Phoenix for a month.  I fly back to Wisconsin today, I tried to schedule to come home to spend the weekend of the 4th with MG2, but I didn’t know exactly when she was leaving for her cruise.  Well, she leaves on the 1st.  I come back on the 2nd.  So, I’ll have a three day weekend in Phoenix before heading to San Diego.  Oh, and San Diego.  Well, after coming home in the morning from spending the night at MG2’s place (I looked great in the morning), Karen was just leaving.  I hadn’t seen her in awhile so she pulled up and asked me “late night?”  Well, I told her that I was thinking of her when I knew I had to take all these trips, as she is always on trips to San Diego, Las Vegas, and Michigan.  Well, she just happens to be in San Diego for the exact same days, and only the exact same days I am.  So, she gave me her number and told me to call her in CA so we could get together for dinner some night.  She will be driving friends in her convertible (she drives a Mustang convertible and they wanted to try it out).  So, until she buys her new 05 Mustang convertible next year, she “makes due” with what she’s got.  It’ll be nice to spend time with somebody there.  Even though I don’t really know her, company will be fun.  I’m going to plant myself on the beach in Hawaii.

 

It was an ordeal, but now I'm booked on a flight from Phx to Chicago.  It's through American Airlines flight.  It gets me in an hour earlier than I planned!  And no connections!  Too bad I couldn't have known this earlier so we could sleep in this morning.  She was so adorable.  I have no idea how it is she functions so normally in the mornings.  Such responsibility.  She gets up, she knows what time it is, she made sure she left the light on to make sure I got up…  How cute…  I just got kind of lucky with the flights (I'm still not there and don't want to jinx it).  When they made the announcement that there was mechanical issues, you could hear a collective groan from everybody waiting.  Then a long line formed.  It was 2 hours until it would leave, which would make me miss my connection.  I sat and waited, as there was no way I was going to stand in that line, it looked like a line at Disneyland (had to throw in a reference somewhere).  Well, they said over the PA that the next gate over had a 6 open seats to Salt Lake City and that we might try there.  Well, it was a mad dash to the next gate.  Of course, that gate was not expecting us and was overwhelmed.  I luckily was first in this now long line.  The lady eventually helped me and was able to get me on a different airline which got me in faster, so all is well.  I was thinking it would be ironic to fly through Salt Lake, but not this time.  I'm sure I'll get there someday  )

 

I went to lunch with Dr. B yesterday, even though we were having an IT luncheon.  I just wanted to catch up with her before the trip.  We caught up with Paul at Pizza Hut, he made us laugh by offering a hug when we got there.  We made it quick,

 

Time has now passed.  Okay, well, after I got in Chicago, I had to wait about an hour for my luggage, as if I wasn’t worried enough that I wouldn’t get it because I switched airlines, that didn’t help.  It wasn’t just me, it was everybody on the flight.  Well, I eventually got them (I kinda hoped they’d lost them so I could go shopping), and eventually found CSA Girl (she picked me up).  She drove 3 hours to pick me up, I thought that was sweet.  I sent MG2 a text message to let her know I landed okay.  Well, we caught up a little bit on our trip back to Madison.  First things first, we went to Rocky’s.  It was delicious.  We caught up with my brother there.  We hung out, then headed to CSA Girl’s place.  We saw her kitties, looked around for a minute, then headed to her local bar.  I saw the place where she tripped one time when I was talking to her on her phone, I saw the local Stop and Go where she goes to buy beer.  It was really neat.  It’ll be nice to put faces with names at work there.  Well, she let me borrow a few of her movies: Drumline, Bring it On, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and Rudy.  I get to take Rudy back with me to Phoenix to watch before she arrives.  She said that I’ll cry and that I shouldn’t watch it in the car with my brother as that will seem weird.  So, we are now on our way back down to Illinois.  Ottawa to be exact, as we are having our family reunion there.  We left at 8, and it’s about 10:30 PM now.  Another ½ hour and we should be there.  Then, we hang out there tomorrow, then we head back to Madison early Sunday morning.  I know CSA Girl didn’t want us to leave.  I didn’t want to either.  I really didn’t.  But I knew I needed to spend time with the family.  I know, and I’m not a family person. 

 

MG2 gave me a gift before I left.  It was Finding Nemo.  She remembered me saying that I hadn’t seen it so she bought it so I could watch it while I was on my trips.  That was really sweet.  I’m excited, as I wanted to have movies that I hadn’t seen.  I’ve spent a lot of time with her lately.  A lot of time.  Yes, one more time for emphasis, a lot of time.

 

Leesha’s gone.  Glenn’s gone.  Again, seeing people leave knowing it may be the last time you will ever see them.  Glenn headed off to ASU for a position there, and Leesha is headed back to Intel.  She got herself a new car, she’s taking a vacation to Vegas, and then she starts there.  It’s closer to home so it’ll work out well for her.  We had our chocolate day the other day, I spent the night at MG2’s place, and I had forgotten to get out and get some chocolate.  I brought bagels, but still…  So, last night, MG2 and I went to Rocky Mountain Chocolate and bought a good chunk of different things.  I took them to work at about 8:30, as I knew she would be in later that night (just after midnight) to do some testing on the IVR.  I left her a few notes telling her I’d miss her and to take care…  Then MG2 and I headed to Carrabba’s for dinner, and then she stayed at my place.  I had to get up at 4 am to get ready to go, and she drove me to the airport.  She also wants to pick me up when I return from Hawaii.  It’s going to be a long time…  And to think today is only day 1. 

 

I knew I’d think about her, but this much?  I sure don’t mind…it is just hard is all…  My eyes are growing heavy, but I want to write.  It was 3 hours to WI from Chicago, and 3 hours back down again.  I put in a movie that I borrowed (Drumline) from CSA Girl.  I was a band geek, so I can appreciate it more than some might.  I can’t believe I just admitted I was a band geek.  I told my brother about her, and that Beau made that funny comment in front of my mom after just a few minutes of getting to know her (he told her that we kissed and that he saw).  I’m sure it was just a peck, as that’s all I would do in public, but still, it was funny.  My mom said what goes around comes around, as I guess I used to do that to my sisters (or so she said and still says).  I don’t remember that…Then my mom mentioned it again at dinner with my dad and his new wife.  Yes, my dad, mom, and his new wife go out to dinner together.  I’ve got a weird family. 

 

Anyway, well, I didn’t finish the movie, and my brother was distracting me by playing loud music, opening the sun roof, making me look up directions on the internet, and talking to his girlfriend (she gave me a hard time for watching a movie and not talking to him).  I’ll probably finish it tomorrow.  I’ll probably save Finding Nemo for Hawaii.  It seems to fit there.  I drank a Guinness earlier, and 2 Smirnoff Ice’s just awhile ago so I’m feeling pretty good.  I don’t drink Guinness very often, but I’m used to the Smirnoff’s.  They still knock me around after a few of them though.  The bar we went to was across the street from the Holiday Inn the family reunion is at.  We ate a kinda nasty pizza (as the grill was closed except for pizza), and got back to the hotel at about midnight or so.  Okay, random thoughts time:  I love her most when she is sleeping.  She looks so pretty, beautiful, and just relaxed.  I love to rub my fingers through her hair.  I love that she has my shirt, and I need to tell her why the kids are named what they are named.  I’ll have to remember that.  I could type it, I just have no energy.  Normally I’d be posting on this site more often, but I’ve writing to her instead.  A lot of which I write to her I copy and paste on here too if possible.  I’m tired.  I hope Lucy and Sierra are doing okay.  I hope Lucy doesn’t forget me.  But then again, she’ll be gone for awhile from her too, right?  I have her sending e-mail to my work account, but I can’t send external for some dumb reason, so I send from my Cox account.  I sent her a text message letting her know that I landed okay in Illinois.  I sent it just getting off the plane.  I had to sit by the window, I was bummed, but the sights weren’t too bad.  Would she want to go to Universal Studios?  I’d like to rent a convertible and drive.  We could do that on a three day weekend.  I talked to CSA Girl about her a lot when I was here.  I hope everybody is doing well.  I got a great message from PPE and K-Girl at 3:30 am the other day.  I saved it as it was very entertaining.

 

FYI-the thoughts I’ve been typing, and still type are a collection of over the past few days.  So, they are not necessarily in order. 

 

I drafted an e-mail to MG2 on the web, and lost all of it.  I was pissed.  Needless to say all others have been in MS Word.  So, now my brother has the wireless card on the other laptop, as he wants to download codecs for Windows Media Player (files necessary to watch his movies).  Yes, the movies that he downloaded off the internet and put on CDs.  That I don’t do.  Songs are bad enough.  Not to say that I don’t have some movies, but very few.  He has dozens.  You should see them all.  Some of which are still in the theater.  We are all just hanging out in the room watching Hard to Kill on TV.  It’s with Steven Segal.  I could care less about his movies, this one is probably the only one I really like.  I really like this one, I don’t have it on DVD though.  I think I have it on tape.  In my closet.  I have a few hundred movies on tape.  Wait a minute, I just got done stating that I’m better in the fact that I don’t have those ripped movies, but I have a closet full of movies that I have taped.  Great.  Well, at least they are not ones out in theaters.  My mom brought a bag of chocolates with her.  She had bought a bag of chocolates at Target, so I’m sitting here picking out all the dark chocolates (which she wants herself), but she’ll let me have the Crackels and Mr. Goodbars (which I really like too).  I know MG2 is a chocolate lover herself.  I mean, I guess all women are supposed to like chocolate, but she seemed like she was really into it.  It was the way she said she liked chocolate.  Uh oh, sex scene in the movie.  Close the kids eyes.  Or not.  It’s TNT.  But Timmy looked away, like he’s not supposed to watch it.  How funny. 

 

AT&T has a commercial that I like.  Actually, I think I just like the music.  The music and the imagery.  I want to share my posts with her, but what is interesting, is I never thought about what it would be like to, well, be with someone, or well, you know, be with someone that you care about.  That sounded bad and didn’t come out right.  I always wrote it for me.  And I said that I would share it with those that I care about.  And I do.  But I still write it for me.  Anyway, I never thought about what it would be like to share all the thoughts that I’ve had in the past, and still have, with somebody that I’m with at the time.  Does that make any sense?  She doesn’t want to hear about the ex-girlfriends.  Nor the “hypotheticals”.  She doesn’t want to hear about some of those emotional things.  Nor all the cuss words.  It’s just me.  Pure and simple.  Problem is, I’ve had 25 years before her.  25 years of other thoughts.  I don’t have the most innocent and sweet thoughts.  I actually started writing it after being single.  I started in February.  Now she is here.  And I feel bad to share some of my thoughts.  They are embarrassing.  It’s a look into my soul.  It really is.  And my soul is not perfect.  It’s flawed in many ways.  She will be here.  She will have the ability to read it for herself.  Someday.  I promise that.  I don’t promise many things.  But I promised her that.  I don’t even like to talk about it because it feels as though I’m just teasing her with it.  I’d like to send some snippets to her if she’d let me.  But still, I don’t want to feel like I’m teasing her. 

 

I hope she had a good time tonight.  What did she end up doing with Diane?  Go out searching for guys since I’m gone?  I’m kidding, although who could blame her?  Me, just up and leaving.  Then again, one must remember that she was going to leave me.  And although she uses the excuse that I had plans, I didn’t have the plans for the trip to WI, CA and HI until after I met her.  That, and I only gave it a week before I had to leave.  Not the nicest thing to do.  I’d like to meet her sister someday.  And she and I need to see Spiderman 2.  Oh, and I also want to see Fahrenheit 9/11.  She is going to find me so difficult.  As I will want to see many movies.  And I’m going to want her to come with…  yeah, yeah.  I know now she is saying that she’d love to.  But here, she has it in writing, she’ll be tired of it…

 

I have to be careful.  I made a list once before, and that didn’t work.  The things that weren’t on the list got done.  Someday we’ll be able to do more…someday…

 

 

I’ve sent several e-mails to her.  I’ve talked to her only a few times though…

 

I can’t always call her when I want to, because then I’d never get off the phone with her!  I’d love to someday see the Mortuary in Mesa as well as the apartments that she was looking at.  I’m still at Arby’s.  The one next to the Holiday Inn where we are staying.  We’ve got the Shakey’s Lounge across the street which was the bar with the sand volleyball court.  We played 4 games this morning.  If there was a list of things I enjoy about life, I would have to say that sitting at places like this, and just typing away is one of them.  I love to just go places, be around people that are going through life and just type away.  Not about anything in particular, just stuff.  Normally it’s stuff for my post, but lately it’s been e-mails to her.  My site is probably pretty boring, or so I think.  Often times it is just about what my day was like.  Very much so like a diary.  Even though I hate that word.  Then, at other times, I write about my emotions, my deep thoughts (assuming I have a brain capable of such things).  I explained this all to her in my e-mails to her.  My brain is usually mush after a day at work.  I just sit here and sip on my Dr. Pepper, and look around, and keep writing.  Again, still saying nothing in particular, but at the same time it makes me feel good to know it is going to her, as it shows that I’m thinking about her.  A lot.  One of the things CSA Girl wrote about is how and why my friends feel certain ways about me.  I think she is right, as she always has been.  I’m going to be the bold one.  To sum up what I think she says, it’s that I make my friends feel special, make them want more of me, but don’t give it to them.  Isn’t that cold?  I don’t mean to be like that.  I don’t want to be like that.  I don’t think that I’m candy that can be dangled in front of somebody, but that is kind of what she says.  I feel as though I’m not a good friend.  If I was candy, I’d probably be that yucky candy that families give away on Halloween.  Such a positive self image.  I know.  Anyway, I’m going out on a limb here, but here is what she wrote:

 

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"It's a matter of instinct, it's a matter of conditioning, it's a matter of fact." - Barenaked Ladies

 

One of the first things you asked me about our friendship was what I wanted. I told you I wanted to change your life. That answer to me is interesting. First of all it was an awfully presumptuous and bold thing to say to a new friend, but also that what I wanted wasn't anything for myself well nothing besides the self importance that I *could* change your life. I remember you said that I could.

You make me say bold things.

You're weird. You draw me in. I am attracted to you for no reason that I can say. I would be hard pressed to say what was special about you even though I know you are special.

Today I was thinking about how being away from you - what with all the time you're spending with MG2 - makes it easier. But then you call and say "Could I miss you anymore?" or whatever it was you said. Something like that. And I'm all wrapped up in you again. Even though you called me at work when I was busy and wouldn't be available for me when I actually could talk to you. And I know you were trying to be nice, and I know I would have hated it more if you hadn't called at all. I am your in-between friend, you call me on your way to things, or on your way home from work or whenever you've got a minute. I know you hate it when I say that even though you know its true. And I was thinking that it might just be me because I am far away but maybe not. But I don't want to speak for anyone else here even though I suspect that it is the same. Give me some wine and I'll be the voice for the whole crowd of women you call friends.

 

I imagined that the structure until recently was me after work, then MG2 in the evening and then K-girl at bedtime. And I bet you made each of us feel like we were the only one you wanted to talk to that night. And I think that is what is hard about you. You say all these things that make me feel special (to use your phrase) and then you suddenly switch gears and (at least with me) talk about one of the others and I suddenly feel very interchangeable. Insert girl-of-the-hour here kind of thing.

And then I want to push you away. And I get "that tone" or don't reply to your emails (I know that's like a last resort). And then you say something *else* to draw me back in. Into whatever it is about you that makes me want to make you happy. Mother-hen you. It's too much and its not enough.

Listen to Perfect Girl again – I know. Me with my music home work assignments that you never complete.

It's just hard sometimes.
 
Even just now the phone rang and I hoped it was you. It was some charity dammit.

 

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It can be hard for me to read the above.  It’s most certainly sweet and sour.  To me it seems mostly sour.  I explained who K-Girl is, and how she is MG2.  I explained how I  talked to Kolohegirl (K-Girl for short) usually at night because she is up all hours.  I usually call her about midnight or so, which is 2 am WI time, and I don’t call CSA Girl because even though she doesn’t sleep, I’m worried the phone ringing will wake her husband.  I explained the names.  That’s a long story, one in which I don’t want to scare her with.  Then again, I’m supposed to scare her early on, right?  I explained Batlover’s match.com whore thing, and how it converted to Mortuary Girl.  Then to MG2.  She was Match.com whore #3.  EVEN MORE BRUTAL.  But third time is the charm, right?  So, I changed her name to Mortuary Girl.  Yeah, still, not the best.  I didn’t like that, as there is much, much more to her than just that.  That just caught me off guard was all.  Well, there was also a Mystery Girl (psycho chick as I sometimes now refer to her).  Well, since everybody ends in “Girl” (Explained CSA Girl), I changed it to MG2.  Oh, and CSA stands for Customer Service Application (one of many names for the app which I helped create).  But she being MG2 works out well, since I think 2 is one of my lucky numbers (yes, I have lucky numbers).  I can’t believe I just said that whole story.  Well, I can change her nickname to Sexy Morgue Babe (reference Men In Black score) if she wishes… 

 

My e-mails to her are like this.  I asked “Now do you see why I said the stuff I type is whack?  I just type and type.  More often than not it’s stuff you don’t want to know, or stuff that will hinder me and just scare you away.”  That’s just how I feel.

 

Just as I was sitting here, a lady walked up to me and said “excuse me, I’m an old lady but I have a laptop and is that a laptop there?”.  I of course said “yes”, and she just asked a few questions like “does it come with a mouse?”  I showed her how I just use the keyboard, trackball and buttons instead of using the mouse that I have.  She was just amazed at how there was no wires, and that I was on the internet using the wireless card.  She had a beautiful accent which I commented on, and she said she was British.  I just thought it was gorgeous.  I would probably put her age at about 80 or 85.  I told her that sometime I too am amazed with it (the laptop), and that I love that it is so small and convenient to just carry around and use, and how I enjoy sitting and typing.  She said she enjoys using hers often too.  It was nice.  I don’t think I’m a people person, but maybe I just mean that I can’t work with customers all day.  But I do enjoy being around people.  Watching them go through there lives, where did they come from?  Where are they going?  Perhaps I think too much…  Thanks to K-Girl, as it is still her laptop, and don’t think I don’t remember that EVERY time I type on it.  I can’t wait to hear the pan flute guy.  I will be thinking of you a lot when I’m there. 

 

I’ve been here for an hour and a half now.  Talked to MG2 for about a half hour, ate, and started typing this too.  The music in here is very enjoyable too.  I guess that’s a lot of it.  The ambiance that I experience when I’m out like this.  All I want to do right now is walk back to the hotel room, rub my fingers through her hair, give her sweet kisses and order one of the movies of the hotel’s system.  I’d love to just lay there with her and watch a movie.  Sometimes I think I need to go back to my Match.com profile to see if what I wrote applies.  Did I describe myself in a way in which I feel I really am?  Did I give the impression that I’m different?  Maybe I should have added a sentence about thinking too much, as well as worrying too much.  I’m not really worried now, I’m just thinking.  I guess the mind is always going. 

 

Normally I’m just in a relationship and I give up on all my friends.  I just can’t spread myself out that well.  Maybe CSA Girl is right, as she always is, and I just give all my focus and attention to one person.  That may not be the best thing, but that’s who I am.  I try to make people feel special, as they usually are, or else I wouldn’t bother with them.  But some people are special to me in unique ways, such as her, and I just enjoy the moments with her, and watching her sleep.  I can’t tell you how cute I thought it was that she saved the message I left her on her machine, and I love the fact that she told me she did that.  As it shows that she doesn’t mind telling me, it shows comfort, and it shows that I’m, well, dare I say special?  That, and I like the fact that she would think to do that.  Some people are, well, I guess not special and more boring and bland, and I love the fact that she did that, because she is special, and it was just another way of proving my point. 

 

My mom just called and said she is walking over to come talk with me, as my brother is talking to her sisters (more family drama that I don’t want to be a part of).  I’ll get into all it later, as it’s now an hour later.  My brother wants me outside to play catch with the football. 

 

I’m headed off to bed now.  It’s 1:30 here.  Everybody has been asleep for hours.  I’m still on AZ time.  I feel as though MG2 won’t talk to me now.  Right this moment I feel as though I’ve scared her away.  I don’t like it when I have thoughts like that.  I guess it is just late, and I know I wrote some funky stuff…and I can’t help but think about this site, and all that I want to share with her.  I just can’t do that.  As that will ruin any positive image she has of me…  I hope she is having a good time tonight with Diane.  I wonder what it is MG2 thinks of me.  I really do.  I know that must scare her when I say stuff like I want to be in her mind, hear her thoughts…  I just want to make sure this is not a proximity infatuation…  I care about her…  I think she is so beautiful… and honestly, even sexy, like the way she was laying the night (or morning) I told her that…  she has a beautiful mind, I love chatting with her, I love being there for her during her worries, I love her stories, I love telling her mine, I love our drives, I love watching her sleep, I love going out to dinner with her, I love sitting with her, I love watching the dogs play, I love the way Sierra barks when she wants to play, I love the way Lucy hides behind her and tries to sneak over to sniff me, and started by just licking my hand at first.  I love cuddling with her and watching movies, and yes, I love the other things, but the kisses are the best part.  I’ve never enjoyed kissing somebody as much as I have her.  And to think she was worried…  This wasn’t supposed to be a MG2, how I love thee, let me count the ways post…but…

 

I just don’t want to scare her away, but I don’t want to hurt her either.  I think too much.  My eyes are growing heavy.  I think it is time for bed…  I’m very hot, but I’m going to try and go to bed now.  My mom doesn’t seem to believe in air conditioning, even when somebody else is paying for it.

 

She asked me if her profile sounds like her.  We’ll start with the easy one.  That so does not describe her, as I have yet to see the fish… (she said she has dogs and fish)

 

Okay, other than that I think it describes her very well.  Sometimes I wish I had re-read it, as I feel I would know her better.  I know all those things, I just don’t always remember that I know them.  I would know what to offer up for things to do, know the right things to say (family is the most important thing in the world to me).  Lucky for me, I met her height requirement, but just barely.  She would have been done with me for sure…  But honestly, I feel I should know those things about her.  I’m typical in the fact that I should have known she loved the day trips to Sedona, but no.  I don’t remember.  I guess that’s what I mean.  I feel stupid in that she tells me things but I don’t remember them.  I guess I can’t help but see my flaws…  Hey, but this way I point them out so she has no excuses!  I worry about my past.  But it’s not THAT bad.  Well, maybe, I don’t know.  I didn’t do time or something.  I mean, what is it that I’m afraid of?  It’s not so much stuff that I regret, so much as it is things that I feel would disappoint her.  Am I saying too much at once?  Up, that was a worry thought.  I’ll stop.  I’m at breakfast at Country Kitchen.  Hmmm…and I wonder if I met her faith requirement…  I’ve got flirting, candlelight and thunderstorms down.  No?  If it wouldn’t be too weird, someday she can come lay in bed with me, we can light the Stormwatch candle that I always light, and I can play the thunderstorm CD I have, and we can just cuddle in the dark.  I will always have some friends.  But I’m all for time apart on occasion.  I agree that can be needed.  I watch the way my brother is with the kids, and just as I typed that he looked at me and said “what are you typing”?  How funny.  He must have known.  He seems to handle himself well with them.  But he too gets frustrated.  Now the boys, and Justin (my brother) are fighting over the Gameboy.  I think I should steal it so I can play it while on the beach in Hawaii.  It’s Super Mario World too.  My favorite game.  I too don’t want to keep her away from her friends.  That’s why I felt so bad keeping her from them the other day.  I don’t want to do that.  Anyway, breakfast is over.  I’m on my way back to Wisconsin now.  My brother doesn’t have Freon in his car.  He says it’s only $30.  How can you not afford $30 for something like that?  I’m dying of heat.  And I was just bitching the other day about how cold it was here.  Yup, that’s me.  The butterfly.  CSA Girl gave me All over the place.  He’s got some good music too.  I’m tired, as I only got 6 hours of sleep last night.  He’s going to drop me off at CSA Girl’s place.  I got a little sunburn on my shoulders from playing volleyball, but not bad.  Except my wrists are starting to hurt from typing so much.  That doesn’t happen too often.  Yet still, I write.  I liked her parents.  They were so simple and nice.  Her mom was funny, kind of reminded me of mine.  And her Dad, well, he was nothing like mine.  He was such a nice guy.  Just a, hmmm….not sure how to describe him.  He’s a lovey like guy.  Does that make any sense?  He seems like he’s got a good sense of humor, but as she describes them “simple folk”.  I don’t know about tolls.  But if I knew that I could pay and it would go to improving roads, stoplights, or more freeways, please, tax me.  My stomach is upset from that breakfast, and that I drank a Code Red on the drive.  We are close to Deerfield, WI, which is near Cottage Grove, and Deforest.  Cottage Grove is where my sister lives.  I guess she is an alcoholic, or so says my family.  I don’t talk to her enough.  I feel bad for her.  She tried to take in the kids, it didn’t work.  She lost the business, then she lost her husband.  Now, she drinks?  I mean, there’s been times where alcohol for me helped, but I’m just cautious.  Never drink to solve problems.  Same with medicine.  I sleep.  That’s my drug of choice.  Dreams.  Endless possibilities.  I guess Noah’s Ark is Tuesday now.  America’s largest water park.  We listened to a great techno CD on the way back, now it is Offspring.  MG2 had a great CD collection, but CSA Girl had a HUGE collection.  JenJen and I did, but she kept most of those CDs.  In fact, I think she kept some that were mine too.  No worries.  It’s not like she kept them, I gave them to her.  It was just easier.  I have no hard feelings toward her.  Oh, but MG2 graduated from U of A, so I must admit, it’s great to see U of A stuff and think of her and not JenJen.  Not that I minded thinking of JenJen when I saw U of A stuff, but Cookie always got pissed when she saw U of A bumper stickers and stuff.  It was kind of funny.  She was always jealous of JenJen.  She didn’t need to be, but it doesn’t matter anymore.  I guess I’m staying at CSA Girl’s place tonight.  It’ll probably be back and forth between her’s and my brother’s place.  Anyway, back to the U of A stuff.  I even have a little U of A cup for my toothbrush.  It’s cute.  Anywho…  I’m thinking I’m just going to share some posts with her.  I’m sure I’ll say a bunch of things to scare her away…but like we said, best to do that in the beginning.  I don’t know that I could live in small towns.  I like cities.  I don’t mind living outside of cities, but not too far, as I need to be in them.  My brother asks me “what the fuck do you do on that thing all day?  Does carpel tunnel syndrome mean anything to you?”  I told him that my hands were starting to hurt.  Battery is down to 40%, but I’ll be there long before it drops much lower.  And it wasn’t even fully charged when I left, as I took this with me to breakfast.  Kolohegirl said I would be obsessed, but she had NO IDEA.  MG2 says she likes to gamble a little bit, ironically CasinoQueen (CSA Girl) doesn’t gamble much.  I’d love to go to Vegas sometime.  Nice drive, spend a weekend there, see a few shows, as I never see any when I go to Vegas.  I chatted online last night for awhile with CSA Girl.  She was going to give me a hard time for not posting.  She said it would be two weeks on Tuesday.  I said, “hmmm, what’s changed in the last 2 weeks or so….”?  I got an e-mail from MG2 last night that was the sweetest ever.  I loved it.  And don’t think I didn’t notice the closing.  She’s going to enjoy her cruise in Alaska.  I wish I could be there, but I’m glad we are taking trips at the same time.  It’ll make it easier.  Okay, I’m at CSA Girl’s place, so a break for now…

 

Well, we watched her Caker videos, looked through the Caker yearbooks.  I met Nate.  It all was a great experience.  Nate wasn’t far off from what I imagined.  She is sitting next to me know saying I should write “I wish I could be as cool as CSA Girl…”  I enjoyed the Cakers stuff.  More than I thought I would.  It’s hard to get into something that isn’t yours.  But watching those videos, and looking through the albums.  I could relate.  It reminded me of high school.  No, we didn’t do the “bobbing for beers” thing in high school, but still, the relationships.  The good friends.  I can relate to having friends like that.  It’s a great feeling.  I’m happy she still has that.  Well, after that, we drove to Seminole Forest, I showed her Jonathan Circle, as I think it’s really one of the nicest things my Dad did, name a street after me.  2 of my sisters have them too.  We then drove to Verona, I showed her where Davarino’s used to be, told her a bit about Stephanie, we saw Michael’s Frozen Custard, as well as my old elementary school.  We headed back through Madison, we stopped at another Michael’s Frozen Custard and got some.  We then walked through a park and looked out over the lake.  It was really neat.  While I was there I saw a Dad playing soccer with a cute little girl.  I said to her, this is what I want.  A nice house there overlooking the lake, the park behind it, a cute little girl like that, and I’d take her out back to play some soccer with her.  Dreaming.  As I’m still not sure about that whole small city/town thing.  CSA Girl thinks I’m sitting here pondering how cool she is, and that I’m stuck on finding the words to express it.  We’ll let her believe it, even though she’ll be disappointed when she reads this and I was really thinking about, yes, she knows, MG2, and how I would love to be with her showing her some of these things.  Not that the times with her isn’t great, and I wouldn’t trade it…but still.  MG2 has a frog in her car named Hopscotch.  Okay, no, it’s not real.  It’s a cute little stuffy.  Just as CSA Girl says, yet again, “I wish I could be as cool as her….”  Thinking that is what I’m typing.  It’s kind of weird being here.  Somebody you see every day on the VTC, talked to via e-mail and chat, then meeting her and her husband in person.  It’s just…different.  I have funny names for her cats.  Berghoff, Lalapalooza, and Porn Star.  She doesn’t like my names.  She calls him a slut, I changed it to porn star.  And Lalapalooza is really Toulouse (I guess he’s a French painter).  Berghoff is a beer.  That’s the only one I get right.  I saw a dog today that looked just like Lucy, except she was outside playing (Lucy is very timid, but sooooo adorable).  CSA Girl and her husband are making fun of me, because when we first got here when we went to Rocky’s, I was all big eyed like a kid in a candy store.  I told the girl at the counter I flew 3000 miles for Rocky’s.  She thought I was nuts I’m sure.  She wasn’t even old enough to pour CSA Girl’s beer.  Okay, this is now my longest post.  11 pages, right?  She’s sending Nate upstairs to find something, and he didn’t find it.  And she said that was no big deal and she went up to look (and of course found it).  Now, if this was me, and one of my past relationships, I would not have tried hard enough, and failed.  Then they’d be giving me crap because she found it.  CSA Girl says that I need to find somebody like her, as she thinks it was just nice that he looked.  Then he piped up and said if I want to find a girl like her I need to start hanging out in a lot sleazier bars.  They have such a sweet relationship.  I haven’t talked to MG2 at all today.  I wonder what she has been doing…  CSA Girl says I need a girlfriend to take care of me because I spend $10 at Arby’s for food for myself.  Okay, well, we ordered dinner, Rocky’s, again.  The goal is to get sick of it, so when I get back to AZ, I won’t miss it as much as I do now.  I just checked my bank account.  I need to watch that a little better.  I need to remember that I dropped $75 on Tigger, and other miscellaneous expenses.  Damn.  Oh well, so we ordered food, we are going to watch Bring it On, then Love Actually.  Well, I’m going to bring this to a close, send this to her, and bring day 3 to a close.  Well, I hope she had a good day today, and I hope everybody else is okay.  I know Batlover will be leaving to Guatemala soon.  Anyway, good night all.  Sorry I waited almost 2 weeks to post.  I’ve just been caught up with all that she is.  I’ll try to write more on my adventures through WI, San Diego, and Hawaii…  Take Care and have a good night…

 

JB

 

It’s not supposed to be like this.  It’s not supposed to happen like this.  They are dropping one by one.  You are not my dirty little secret.  I can’t even type that sentence it hurts so much.  It’s not supposed to be like this.  Apologies don’t work.  I’ve tried that. 

 

I think he misconstrued my post.  That’s okay.  He obviously didn’t read the first two sentences.  I’ve never felt like I can’t post what I want anymore.  But after the comment and after the conversation tonight, I just don’t know anymore.

 

I’ve had a great two days with her.  It’s too bad I don’t even have the energy to write about it.  We’ve watched Armageddon and Contact.  I cried during both, yes, I’m a pussy.  She didn’t catch me on the first one though.  The second one had some religious undertones that I needed to deal with.  She spent the night last night.  No, not for that.  Just spent the night.  I brought her dogs treats from Petsmart and brought her some Dairy Queen today to surprise her.  I was thinking I could introduce her to my friends.  But I’m starting to wonder….what friends?

 

I just feel horrible.  I too didn’t realize how I felt, and I got a little scared.  But just when I chose to do something about it, I chose to give up those feelings.  It looked as though you were distracted with other issues (specifically somebody who wouldn’t leave).  I brought a cactus, he brought a rose.  What am I supposed to do?  Timing is everything. 

 

CSA Girl, I think your judgment of me was pretty accurate.  That’s why when I’m with somebody, I don’t have any friends.  I don’t feel I’m with somebody, but I still don’t have any friends.  My choice.  My decisions.  The whole “painting your own picture thing”.  This is why I feel I disappoint, because I do.  My painting sucks.  It’ll be an 80’s dance party with just the two of us in July.

 

Cookie has issues.  She’s lonely.  I try everything I can to be there for her.  Including answering the phone when MG2 is here.  I always want to be there for people, even if it’s not the smartest thing I’ve ever done.  I try.  I don’t know that I’m succeeding, but I try…

 

I’m going to bed.  I’m always here.  I may not be what you’re looking for, but I’m here.  Hopefully on the day you need me I can be exactly what you need.  I would not trade anything in my life.  I would not undo the things that have been done.  Please, get some sleep.  Sweet Dreams…  Take Care…

Beware, I’m going out on a limb tonight with my posting.  Please, be gentle.

 

I wasn’t going to post tonight.  I came home, I thought about cleaning, but I didn’t.  I’ll worry about that tomorrow morning.  This place is a mess, and it’s in no shape for MG2 to come over.  I think she may come over here to watch a movie.  I’m very self-conscious about this place.  Well, Friday didn’t go according to plan.  It started perfect, I even threw in a nice long lunch with Dr. B.  I worked late, as I planned to, but dinner didn’t come to be.  Not sure what happened.  Yes, I was disappointed, but more so in the fact that nobody had the balls to tell me.  Well, they were all chicks, so they didn’t have balls, but still.  Even fucking Thin_Ice wouldn’t show up.  That, and I fucking stayed late because of that.  So, yeah, I was bummed, but no big deal.  I don’t see it as anybody’s fault.  Shit happens.  No worries.  But it didn’t help that they kept using the “you can spend time with MG2” excuse.  Yeah, because that didn’t happen either.  I spent the entire evening in bed.  The moment I got home I was in bed.  I talked to CSA Girl, she drank wine.  Well, she did more than that but I’m probably not allowed to mention all that.  Well, I went to bed, and MG2 called me at about 9:45am.  She suggested going for a drive, to Oak Creek Canyon.  That sounded fun (much better than my ­lame-ass idea of breakfast at Mimi’s Café).  We went, and I really enjoyed myself.  It was a nice hike through the canyon, and over the creek several times.  I saw plenty of wildlife, including a snake, some beetles, butteflies, just all kinds of stuff.  It was really nice up there.  We drove up to Flagstaff and ate at Oregeno’s.  It reminded me of the times up there with KLM.  Well, I drove back (interesting driving somebody else’s vehicle).  I enjoyed every moment of the trip, I hope she did as well.  We had some nice conversation, and it was just great to be with her.  I talked about a lot of personal stuff tonight, including what I want when I die.  She had some stories about the mortuary that were…interesting, I guess.  It can be hard hearing what she has to say, because my thoughts are safe, they are from the movies.  Hers are real.  Dr. B’s daughter would love to hear the stories.  Trust me on that.  It gets a little more comfortable each day with her.  Following CSA Girl’s husband’s rule, she is still a potential candidate.  She’s not a “yes” in that I can imagine spending the rest of my life with her, but she’s not a “no” either.  She is still a “maybe”…   We’ll just see where it all goes…  As MG2 says herself: “everything happens for a reason”.

 

Now, not to downplay everything I just wrote.  But there is a reason I posted tonight.  Again, reference my first two sentences on this post.  I got in the shower when I got home, and although I was so not in the mood, I did it anyway.  And I’m not talking about in the mood to shower, I’m talking about in the mood to rub one out.  This part of the post is, I think, more for me.  But I don’t like making posts private, so… Well, tonight was different.  I thought about JB, again.  Before it was different.  I did it, well, because I was told that people can enjoy the fact that they are fantasized about.  I suppose within reason.  But still.  It was different tonight.  I’ve never done it while fantasizing about making love.  That’s what happened tonight.  I miss her, I love her.  I guess that’s a big reason why I can’t see myself with MG2 or anybody else for that matter.  At least not long term.  This was only like the third time I’ve thought of JB when doing that, as I just have issues with it.  But I did.  I’ve also learned that Aura is really for me, and I don’t know that I expect others to like it, nor do I need to share it with them (don’t worry CSA Girl, you’ll hear it).  I mention that because I listened to it today on the ride back.  And although it was nice, and MG2 really liked the songs, it wasn’t the same.  I couldn’t help but think of JB.  I don’t know.  It’s just tonight.  Tomorrow I’ll be fine again.  I feel like such a man-whore sometimes.  JenJen, Cookie, JB, Mystery Girl, MG2, even fucking Karen that lives near me.  I don’t know.  I must say, PPE makes me feel really good about myself.  She just says things that are soooo nice.  It’s really sweet.  She’s got a good head on her shoulders.  I’m proud of her, and I just hope she finds her happiness soon.  Anyway, what I was thinking about tonight was that it was just odd to do that to making love to somebody.  It was nice though…okay, good thing it’s like 1 am, so I can’t feel too self-conscious.  I need to go to bed, as I have to clean tomorrow morning.  I have some serious cleaning to do. 

 

CSA Girl had an excellent thought the other day.  It was on why people feel the way they do about me.  I’m not going to describe it.  I’ll wait for her to put it in writing, and if she does, I’ll paste it on here.  I think she was right…

 

I just really miss JB.  Very much so.  Anyway…

 

Sweet dreams…

Yes, I'm still awake.  I'm going to bed now though.  I played racquetball with KLM, then we chatted for awhile, then we ended up renting a movie and watching it at my place.  I talked to MG2 tonight.  Tomorrow's plans are to get up, get gas in my car, get to work at 7:30, go to Starbucks, have our meeting, work all day, leave at 5:30, go to Carrabba's with K-Girl, PPE, Thin_Ice, Shelley (Lisa’s friend that went out with us last week), and Norma (the one that drove me home), then go out with MG2 (not sure what we are going to do).  MG2 said she wanted to talk to me about some decisions she needs to make about work, as she got some calls today.  Naturally, I got nervous, but then she said it's all here in the Phoenix area.  Even if she takes a job and moves across town, it'd be better than Utah if you ask me.  But don't worry, I'll make sure she makes decisions based on what she wants, and that none of it has to do with me, as that would not be right.

 

Mystery Girl posted on her site again.  Just interesting is all…  I hope she’s doing it for herself and not for me…

 

I look forward to tomorrow, even though I’ll be ridiculously tired, it’ll be fun.  Well, I need to get what little sleep I can.  Stargate SG-1 is on right now.  And KLM and I watched Final Destination 2.  It was good (of course).  Except now I’m creeped out and am contemplating leaving the light on.  I think Stargate is doing a pretty good job of distracting me.  Okay, well, nighty night.  Oh, and Calvin and Hobbes is awesome.  MG2 had some of the comic books too.  I have some, and was reading one the other night.  There was one where his mom said “don’t let the bed bugs bite”, and Calvin and Hobbes freaked and were spraying bug spray all through the room and thought they were attacking the bed.  It was hilarious.  Guess you need to read it.  Anywho…  Me and my tangents….  Sweet Dreams….

 

Take Care,

 

JB

Day 2 begins-

 

Timmy said the music I was playing in car (Aura) was “habagher”.  I asked him what “habagher” means and he said beautiful.  He couldn’t think of the actual word, nor could he spell the actual word.  But that was how he pronounced it.  No clue what it was supposed to be…

 

Jordan wasn’t talking in the car, nor when she got home.  I asked her why, and she asked me if I saw Beau’s face.  I asked for his side of the story, asked him if he was lying and if that was the same story I’d get from Jordan.  I told him this was his chance to tell me the truth or else he can forget that snack he was asking about.  He then told me he hit her with the ball(more dodgeball), made her mad, and she scratched him on accident when throwing it at him.  I asked her, and she said the same, only adding the part where he went crying to one of the instructors.  She got in trouble, and had to apologize.  I asked her if she apologized as asked and she said she didn’t want to.  I asked her if she meant to scratch him and she said no.  I told her that if it was an accident, she should apologize, however, if she was upset about something else that she needed to tell him.  She did, he took the apology, and I told him not to be such a pussy, as he’s not 5 and doesn’t need to cry every time he gets smacked.  I of course didn’t do this with her knowing, as that would just be reinforcement for her to do it again next time and not feel bad.  Kid psychology is worse than dog psychology. 

 

Well, it’s Kraft macaroni and cheese for dinner.  And we are going to watch Men In Black II tonight.  I just want to keep them glued to the TV.  That and it’ll take 2 hours of their time. 

 

Fucking Misty.  I can’t believe this dog is still here.  Yeah, I might feel bad when she is gone, but she drives me nuts while she is around.  I can’t believe she out lived Le Mutt.  I can’t stand this dog.

 

I’m more comfortable with them today.  It’s nice.  Maybe it’s because it is day 2, maybe because work wasn’t as horrible (it still sucked), or maybe (and most likely) it’s because it’s my last day doing this.  What a great dad I’ll be.  I’ll be counting the days until my kid turns 18 and I can kick them out into his or her own place.

 

I sent e-mails to MG2 last night, and I called K-Girl to check in on her.  A few times last night, and a few times today.  I brought her Cinnamaroll today, but I didn’t catch her before I left, only once or twice during the day.

 

I hope this movie keeps their attention.  I should crank up the volume to make sure they stay glued to it.

 

I don’t know how they can live here.  I know I’m like MG2 in the fact that we have issues with food preparation.  Well, I can’t cook in this fucking place.  Yes, I know macaroni and cheese shouldn’t count as cooking.  But, if I have to boil water, strain it, mix ingredients in, it’s fucking cooking.  Especially when you eat out everyday.   What a fucking ordeal.  Can you imagine me with a family?

 

I’m so difficult, I’m going to be difficult forever.  Hence, I’ll be single forever. 

 

I loved the ending to the original Men In Black.  The second one isn't too bad either…

 

I talked to Batlover today via e-mail.  It was….interesting.  Yes, she did the whole psychobabble thing with me.  But it was nice to chat about MG2.  If I can’t be with her, what’s the next best thing?  Talk about what it is like to be with her.

 

KLM called me tonight, she said we can get together for racquetball tomorrow night.  That might just work.  I need the exercise, but I need some sleep too.

 

I shared with Leesha the little bit about my post last night that mentioned the kids.  She had offered up a few thoughts about how to do it.  I didn’t go with the Spy Kids 3D, as I didn’t have time to get to Blockbuster, but at least I got a movie.

 

Mystery Girl got me my yearbook back.  I actually managed for her to bring it to Corp I.  What was funny, was CSA Girl mentioned that it would be really mean to have her bring the book over when I had somebody else (aka a woman) over at my house.  I didn’t do it, as I thought that would be cold.  But she was sure to mention that she had somebody with her when she came to Corp I.  I took one glimpse, yup, Churchboy.  Let him have her.  As Leesha would say: “Good luck with that.” 

 

Note to self: eating macaroni and cheese one time in 4 years will make you not want it again for another 4 years.  That was so gross, and I did such a good job.  Each of the kids had seconds.

 

Okay, so the dishes in the dishwasher are finishing, then we need to load the next round after putting the other ones away.  Hopefully by then I can go home. 

 

I think Jordan feeds the dog.  I haven’t caught her yet, but can’t she give her some chocolate or something?

 

I planned the visit of CSA Girl a little bit more.  We’ve got some good ideas.  We are such geeks.  I love it.  We have an itinerary down to the minute, including time for driving, we have action items, we’ll have graphs, a projected versus actual timeline including a post mortem review.  Post mortem, no pun intended, that’s the actual term used.  I’ll TiVo shows for her to watch while I sleep (as I’m sure she can’t sleep here any better, but she hasn’t tried the comfy bed).  We’re going to go to a baseball game, dinners (we even have the restaurants picked), and yes, she will be my date for Sarah McLachlan.  I think she is a great choice, she loves music (to a depth far more than I think most people do), she likes Sarah, and she is most certainly somebody I care about and would love to be with.  I just want somebody I can be comfortable with and enjoy my time with.  She is everything I’m looking for.  It’ll be a great weekend.

 

I talked with MG2 tonight, for about an hour and a half.  It feels weird going through these motions.  I feel very frigid.  Not relaxed about it at all.  Very nervous.  I just think about it a lot.  Maybe over analyzer it a little bit, but I don’t know.  I just think that when she gets to know everything about me she may not like me as much as she does now.  That’s what I worry about.  I know, I shouldn’t worry.  We’ll see….

 

Well, I’m going to go now, I’m going to call K-Girl, and get some sleep.  Titanic went over well last night, so I’ll play it again tonight as I sleep.  Take Care,

 

JB

Okay, well, I don’t know about the whole father thing.  I should have figured that since we were just talking about kids I would be faced with this.  I got a call late last night, then one this morning before leaving for work.  I needed to watch the kids tonight.  I had to pick them up from their summer program (they weren’t too happy to see me as they were playing dodgeball).  I loved playing that in school.  Even Jordan seemed like she wanted to stay.

 

Well, I got them home.  The car ride went well.  I had to tell the boys to fasten their belts in the back seat, but other that it was a quiet ride.  We got home, I told Jordan to open the door, and made Timmy pick up his garbage that he tried to leave in my back seat.  I got them inside, and on went the babysitter, er, TV.  I sat there and watched them flip between Charmed, and Sabrina the Teenage Witch.  We watched that until it was over.  Then the silence ended.  They needed something else.  I tried the whole “pick a movie thing”, but that didn’t really work.  As Jordan figured the boys would pick some G rated movie that she wouldn’t like, and the boys could barely agree between themselves.  So, I gave up on that, told the boys to go swimming, and let Jordan watch what she wanted (I just had to monitor for VH1 or MTV).  I don’t know that they want her watching stuff like that.  We have a hard enough time with clothes, and image.  Watching that is a few steps below Spice.  So, I sat in the backyard while they swam, and listened for the TV for what she was watching.  Not too bad.  I ordered pizza (two for Tuesday at Dominos) I let Jordan start eating first, and even let her chug a soda so long as the boys didn’t see.  I told her she could pick the shows until 8, and then it was their turn to pick the show.  So, the boys are eating their pizza now.  And hopefully the rest of the night will go smooth.  I’m so tired.  I could be sleeping.  I would like to have called MG2 for a quick meal, even to get together at Subway or something.  She had mentioned doing that, but now that I’m doing this for the next two days we’ll have to figure something out.  I did call her tonight, but I’ll also send her an e-mail later.

 

Now it’s Lizzie Maguire she’s watching.

 

I thought it was funny the way their swimsuits fell down a few inches every time they jump in the pool, and as often as I say “crack kills” they still were slow to pull them up.  I had to stop Beau from throwing the Frisbee out of the reach of Timmy.  Beau was doing it just to be a jerk, but because Tim isn’t the brightest crayon in the box, he wouldn’t even notice and keep going.  Tomorrow I’ll try and rent Spy Kids 3D to keep them busy.  Beau was running around today singing YMCA and even dancing to it.  It was scary.  He’s only 8, but I might worry in a few more years…  When I went to pick them up, one of the instructors told them that their Dad was here.  That doesn’t go over well for them.  Timmy gets excited (as I said, he’s not the brightest), Beau knows better but looks up with skepticism anyway, and Jordan gives a look of disgust and says “yeah, right, no way”.  She’s the one with the problem.  She remembers what it was like to be with her parents.  Well, her mom really.  That’s an issue.  She vented for a good hour tonight.  She does that often when I’m there.  I’m somebody she confides in.  But she always asks for Cookie’s number.  She wants to talk to her.  I give it to her, as Cookie said it was okay (of course that was 6 months ago).  She probably will lose it, like usual, but just in case.  Until then, she talks to me.  I offer up what I can.  I’m not female (contrary to popular belief), but I was raised by the same woman.  Their grandma, my mom.  I know what it is like.  All the questions she gave to me tonight: why can’t I hang out with my friends, why can’t I shut my door at night, why can’t I wear shirts that show off my belly, why can’t I have a cell phone, why can’t I talk to my mom, why can’t I have sleepovers, why can’t I talk to boys, why can’t I have my own phone line, why can’t I have a TV in my room, why do I have to order off the kids menu?  They just keep coming.  I can’t delegate here.  I’m not at work.  So, I do my best.  As that’s all I can do.

 

I’m here for you K-Girl.  Cinnamaroll will be there for you too.  You appreciate him more anyway.  I don’t want to think that I have anything to do with it, as I know I voiced certain things, and for that I apologize if it caused issues.  I try to help, and sometimes I just wonder if I don’t cause more issues.  I just want to be here for you.  Anything I can do…

 

Every now and then I think of JenJen's parents.  I really liked them.  Cookie was always jealous that I liked JenJen's parents as much as I did.  I came around with Cookie's, and it was really nice at the end.  And I miss her mom too.  But I can't help but think of JenJen and her family every so often.

 

Jordan said Fools Rush In remind her of Cookie and me.  How ironic.  It reminds me of Cookie and me.

 

Pat Tillman.  I know I’m much later than everybody else in mentioning him.  But we can’t forget him either.  Nor the other nameless individuals that give their lives everyday.  It’s tough to swallow…  I was disappointed not to see the flag here at half staff when I pulled in.  Hopefully it was a one day thing.  I’m not one to complain, but everyone else has the flag lowered at half staff for President Reagan.  I’ll wait and see if it was a simple mistake before questioning it…

 

She’s coming!  It’s confirmed!  Now, if only I can get Terry to schedule that dinner….  She made a few comments that concerned me.  Things that make me feel like she really doesn’t understand who I am.  I’m sure we’ll have a good time.  I’m still in shock.  I can’t wait.  It’ll be fun.  And I know who’s going with me to Sarah McLachlan…

 

I didn’t call PPE back tonight.  I said I would when I got home.  It’s late now.  I hope she doesn’t get too upset.  I don’t think she’s read this in awhile.  She’s been busy.  She’s holding up well for what she’s been through with Bad Rob. 

 

Still didn't respond to JB.  Not sure what to say.  I just listen to Aura, and keeping going.  Day by day...

 

Fucking Paul (the Pizza Hut guy).  Dr. B and I depend on him being there.  We’re let down when he’s not.  We might just have to find somewhere else…  I enjoy sitting with her, catching up.  Chatting about how her son got a new bird and how they surprised him with it.  Oscar.  That’s what they named the bird.  I enjoy being there with her…Granted, it’s a nice break from work (even though I often work when I’m there), but I enjoy being together…

 

Okay, I think I’m going to put in Titanic tonight for sure.  I almost did it the other day, but tonight I will.  Over and over again it will play.  It’ll be nice.  I need to go to bed now.  It was sleepy time hours ago.  Sweet Dreams.