It’s been a very mentally exhausting day.  I’m surprised I made it.  I’m not sure that I would feel any different if I was in Phoenix.  I just think I get distracted, so I don’t have time to think.  When I do have the time, this is how I feel.  I guess it is important to keep myself busy.  As I was telling Cookie this morning, I would give anything to put in my two week notice. 

As a kid, I always thought I was special (insert joke here).  I was just always thinking, in my own little world.  I don’t know what made me different, but I knew I was.  I just put so much thought into things.  I still do.  I remember worrying when I was 10 years old if I would be able to pass my drivers test when I turned 16.  Maybe I was thinking because I was always worried.  I mean, I really feel I’m very close to overcoming my issues with death.  But I’m still not happy.  Does that mean I haven’t found the right person?  Or will I just never be happy?  What is happiness to you David?  I went to bed early last night, I know I dreamt all night, but I’m not sure of what.  And I was still very tired when getting up this morning.  There is somebody at the hub here that reminds me of JB.  Not only does she closely resemble her, she is from the south (Arkansas) and has the accent.  And she comes from an Air Force family.  It’s been hard working there with her walking around.  Very distracting.  A lot of people can make you happy, and there will be those that you love.  But will I find someone that I am happy and in love with?  I still have a huge crush on Karen, but it’s just that.  I know that.  I could never keep up with her.  It was funny, Cookie said today that I needed to go to Carrabba’s (among other things) to give myself some “me time”.  Well, I drove past one here in CO Springs.  Not far from where I’m staying.  There is a Cindy Crawford at work too here.  She has been very nice.  She told me she has a 21 year old daughter, 5’11 with blond hair.  She had a few pictures on her desk.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do.  I drove past Alcor the other day.  It wasn’t quite what I expected.  MG2 is on her second season of 24.  She doesn’t like having to wait a week to see the next episode, but as I told Dr. B, I was spoiling her with two episodes a night for almost all of season 1.  She’ll get back on track when I get home.  We will be going to Utah later in the month.  She really wants to move there.  I like my job, but I might do it.  I will probably move somewhere.  Work has been overwhelming lately and it may just be time to move on.  If they want to keep me, they’ll pay me, otherwise I’ll find something.  Maybe not as nice, but I’m sure I’ll find positives in it.  I’m not excited about the thought of moving to Utah, per se, as you know my stance on religion (or the lack of).  I would like to try Oregon or something.

I’ve hurt CSA Girl.  I’ll never get over it.  I was at the point of tears today too.  I need a break I guess.  I hope she is doing okay.  She quit smoking, a feat to which no words of mine will ever give enough credit. 

Anyway, I think I will stop feeling sorry for myself and head back to my hotel.  Looks like a bunch of guys from AFA just came in.  Better get out before they find out where I work…  I think I just need to take some time every once in awhile and type on here.  It is hard, as it makes me open up, but it also helps me vent.  A double-edged sword which may be the death of me.  Of which I need not fear…

Well, I’ve made it Culvers.  I’ve been here two hours now, but am just now able to type.  Fucking CSA.  I’ve been busy getting smacked around for the problems in the application.  Whatever.  I don’t even want to think about it anymore for now.  I have to send an end of day report later today, so I’ll worry more about it then.  I’ve been in Colorado Springs since early Sunday evening.  It’s interesting.  A mix between Arizona and Wisconsin.  I’ve had some time to think, but I’m not sure I like my thoughts.  They are very mixed.  On everything.  I’m not sure which ones to be concerned about, if any.  It’s human nature to be apprehensive about things, and to doubt yourself.  But is it ever a sign?  I don’t even know if I’m honest with myself sometimes.  I truly do know myself, but I just refuse to believe it or let it out.  I fear I am not a good person.  More like I know I’m not.  I’ve hurt people.  I feel like an old man.  Sometimes like Tigger (as he too is an old man).  I don’t know.  I’m going to cut this short.  I’m going to go back to the hotel, finish my report, and go to bed.  CNN just sent out a breaking news e-mail that Rodney Dangerfield just died.  He was on Stern a few weeks back.  He’s been having health problems I know and was in and out of the hospital.  This just shoves my problems back down to the bottom of the pile.  Perhaps where they belong…

I needed to write again.  It’s been awhile, but my brain is just tapping.  It reminds me of the Edgar Allen Poe story.  The Raven.  While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. "Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door; Only this, and nothing more."  No, it’s not only this.  It’s my brain going slowly insane.  The couple was finally cremated.  I told MG2 that I would pay for it myself if they couldn’t get it written off.  She has the most horrible stories.  Like the one about the guy that died in bed, and his dog had died laying next to the bed as well.  She said the Animal Control guy was green when having to go in to get the dog.  That is sad.  I’m thinking I need to move.  I don’t know where, I don’t know when.  I’m still sore from boating this weekend.  Knee boarding and wake boarding.  Karen is coming over tonight.  I said I’d make some dinner and we’d watch a movie.  I get e-mails every weekend saying “you suck”.  And the sender isn’t the originator, she needs to better protect that Blackberry.  Oh, and Predator so won.  But really, it’s a draw, because it’s not over…technically…  The paradise room is no more.  It’s a bunch of VoIP guys now…  I tried to get the computer room set up a little better.  I have them all connected via the router, and I’ve updated all the software on them.  My sister is getting married, I survived another September 11th, Star Wars is coming out on DVD, and I have no clue what I’m doing with my life.  So, not much has changed. 

I don’t understand.  I don’t even think it’d be a smart thing to do.  Look how tired I am now of everything, could I even imagine what it would be like to do it all again?  Everything is hard when you are single.  I kind of forgot what it was like.  I mean, I don’t know how in the past few months I could have forgotten all that I’ve learned in the past year.  Well, for one, it’s expensive.  You can do twice as much with two salaries.  I just get really frustrated with myself.

I’ve still got my game on at work, the problem is the volume is just so overwhelming.  I work during the day, and even several hours at night, and through lunches often.  There is just so much to do.  I try to get as much done as I can, I just can’t satisfy myself, let alone everybody else that expects me to do more. 

And for the car, well, let’s not go there.  Between poles at the Diamondbacks game, somebody else smacking it, a dead battery, car loans and insurance, that too is getting to me.

CSA Girl sent me an e-mail that started with “if we were friends I’d tease you about…”.  Well, I responded back, as she was teasing me that somebody there puts lotion on his elbows and I don’t.  I didn’t hear back from her, and it makes me wonder if I said something wrong.  I was teasing, but I don’t know if I come across that way.  I don’t know why I am the way I am.  I loved Serendipity, but I couldn’t watch all of High Fidelity, I related too much to it at the time and hard a hard time watching it.  Maybe it’s time I try again and do the double feature as you suggested.

K-Girl and I are going to see AVP Friday night.  We saw a midnight movie for The Village.  That was fun.  I’m looking forward to it again.  Oh, and speaking of, I have a new toy.  Performance isn’t perfect, but it’s pretty cool.  Still messing with the features, handwriting and speech recognition.  But it helps a lot, and the fact that it is fun to play with really helps...  I’m always indebted…

I need to update Aura.  CSA Girl really helped me realize that.  I know what I want to do, it’s just a matter of doing it.

I’ve been out with Karen twice now, and I’m still spending time with MG2.  I’m getting sleepy much earlier at night.  I feel I’m getting old, how is it that I can even stay awake to see those late night movies?

I just don’t have much to say.  I don’t want to sound too depressing.  I’m just not all happy tonight.  It’s been a rough day.  Everyday seems to be.  I don’t think I’m only happy when I’m miserable.  I’m miserable now, and I sure don’t feel happy.

Well, I’ll bring this to an end now.  Terry’s father passed away early last Friday morning.  He flew to Pennsylvania for the week.  Cookie and I sent him flowers, and I’ll leave him a card for when he returns.  He was on the verge of tears all day on Friday.  I checked in on him several times as I wanted to make sure he was doing okay.  It felt weird, but he is kind of a father figure to me.  He’s a great guy with a huge heart, his father should be very proud.

Sweet Dreams…

I don’t know that I will ever be happy.  I’ve heard everybody tell me that before, but I fight it.  They must be right.  I can’t be single, I can’t be in a relationship, and I surely can’t date.  I’ll never be happy.

What sucks is I feel guilty for my thoughts.  I feel bad that my thoughts aren’t elsewhere.  I should be thinking about things or people that I may not be thinking about at any given moment.  That doesn’t mean I don’t think about them, worry about them, or wonder how things could be different. 

I spent the entire day pondering how tonight and this weekend would go.  I want to spend time with MG2, yet I feel I should be creating some space.  Well, tonight she called me, telling me she was in a movie theater, about to watch Open Water.  Well, then I’m mad because I wanted to see it, and I couldn’t figure out why she would call me to tell me.  I know, I know, I’m just being difficult.  I know the way it really is, and I know there is the way I interpret it.  I mean, can I really bitch?  I mean, Karen just asked me last night to go see it with her.  I’m so stupid.  Insert Sarah song here.

Movies with MG2 just haven’t gone quite the way I’d like them.  I’m not sure she understands how I am with movies, and what I see in them.

I’ve been catching up on other’s posts.  Some I did awhile ago, others, I’m catching up on now.  I see the kisses that MG2 has been giving me were a topic of conversation.  It’s the little things.

I’ve been busy at work, I had my game on, yes, again today.  What do I mean by that?  I guess I’m just confident, I take charge on stuff, I stay on top of most things, and I keep things moving forward.  No, I don’t get it all done.  I never will.  But I have to thank CSA Girl, as it was her moving words that brought me back to where I am now.  I worry about her though.

I’m just tired of seeing myself and the way I am with things.  I was told to see somebody.  To help me with my issues.  I might just do that.  Somebody to help me get the things that I want to get done, done.

I might just have to steal some stuff from K-Girl’s scheme.  I love the “Previously on K-Girl” and the “On the next episode of K-Girl” links.  She made the comment “I keep wondering about the marks people leave on those whose lives they cross in the journey of life.”  I wonder what it is she wonders?  I just love it.  As that is what life is: a series of those marks.  That post brought me to tears.  I remember I called her that night, after she posted it, but I hadn’t read it.  It’s hard to know what to say to somebody else when they have a loss.  There isn’t really anything you can say that will be good enough.  And let’s be honest, we don’t care nearly as much as they would want us to.  That’s tough.  But we all know what it is like when it happens to us.  So, I just try to remember that feeling for others.  It’s hard…  And her words and text made him sound like somebody I wished I could have met.  It was nice to see that even though Thin_Ice doesn’t take time to post, he still keeps up with us, and provides the support to her when she needs it.

Well, I’m going to head out to Dairy Queen.  I need ice cream.  I’m a chick, so ice cream  may as well be my best friend too.

Well, make that 3 days in a row that my game has been on at work.  I think part of it may be the Blackberry.  It’s helped to be able to answer e-mails when they come in, as I hate going to meetings to find 20 e-mails waiting for me when I return.  I must thank K-Girl, as she manages to help me spend money like no other.  Yeah, not a good thing, but I enjoy the time with her.

I haven’t talked to CSA Girl much today, as it was brief.  I just can’t seem to do things right with her.

But Mystery Girl has been chatting with me.  She’s called me a few times, and even sent me a few e-mails at work.  She’s read my site, and knows that I was referring to her as Psycho Girl.  I told her that one must know that they may get burned when reading somebody’s personal thoughts.

PPE wants to know what my deal is.  I just can’t explain it.  Well, maybe I can, I just don’t want to.

I went for my dinner, it was better than I thought, as she is so cute.  She is funny.  She’s very into movies, she knows Bruckheimer, and she just seems so relaxed.  It was hard to force myself to shut up, as she seemed so interested.  It seemed as though it would storm, but it didn’t.  She wants to get together again, she mentioned movies, or checking out the new wine bar that opened up near here. 

MG2 is taking a bath and said she would call me when she was done.  It’s weird not to see her, in fact, I feel I’m forcing myself not to.  I need to put space there, regardless if I want to.  I could hear the frustration in her voice, the disappointment.  What she doesn’t know is that I too am upset.  We won’t be going to Lake Powell like we planned to this weekend.  I’m not sure what we will be doing instead.

I got some stuff done today, nowhere near what I’d hoped, but some laundry, sheets, towels, and basic cleanup stuff. 

I want to keep writing.  It’s one thing that I feel I do well.  The things I type aren’t the best, but I feel I’m decent at writing itself.  I mean, it’s not a book, screenplay, or even a movie review, but it makes me feel like I can do something well.

Looks like Kill Bill volume 2 is out on DVD.

I was yawning earlier, I’m sure it was because I haven’t been getting enough sleep.  I’ll end this so I can get a start.  It’s nice to be back.  Hopefully it’s not brief…

How dare I.  How dare I even bother writing what I wrote.  It is not all about me.  How can I dare even writing what I write when I see in writing what it is that I do to others?  Or what they are going through and need?  And still, I sit here, angry with myself.  Still, through it all, self-centered.  I try, but fail.  I need to try harder.  I fear I will fail again.  But still I sit here, wondering how I can be better.  Forget me, worry about them. 

Someday...if only...someday...

“If only…will I ever…whatever.”

The trials and tribulations that one must go through in life.  It can be overwhelming.  How many times before have I had that thought…what if I drive straight into that pillar?  I’m going pretty fast, I could do some serious damage.  It sounds appealing.  It may make things better.  Or will it?  What is sad, is that I’m having these thoughts on a normal day.  Not on a “I’m breaking down, I’m mentally lost, I need help” day.  Today is just like any other.  You go to work, you do the things you do, you come home.  I’m tired of hurting people, I’m tired of hurting myself.  Even more so, I’m tired of being disappointed in myself. 

I hurt people.  I see it every day.  I get frustrated with myself, and I too hurt.  It doesn’t make sense.  Why can’t I just do something right?  I’ve made many mistakes in my life.  Too many to count.  But the mistakes that hurt the most are the ones that hurt other people.  I just get so disappointed in myself for doing what I do.  I try to be a good person, but it doesn’t matter, because I can’t seem to succeed.

Life continues.  It does.  It goes on and on and on.  And if I actually follow through with something in my life it may go on and on and on even after it ends.  That in itself is a scary thought with which I ponder every so often.

I’m afraid the truth has emerged.  As much as I want it, it still isn’t here.  I fear that she is not the one, well, I’m quite sure.  But, you never know.  I enjoy the time, I really, really do.  But timing is everything, and she has answered many questions for me in my life, as well as raised new ones.  She has helped me overcome one of, if not my largest fears, the ultimate unknown.  And for this, I am grateful, but she will always be more to me than that.  Thank you…

I haven’t written lately.  I’ve been busy.  Well, kind of.  I’m sure I’ve had plenty of time when I can.  It’s just a matter of making the time, like I am now. 

I had a bittersweet morning the other day.  I walked outside on Monday, and lucky for me, I was able to catch Karen as she was on her way to her car.  I haven’t seen her in almost 2 weeks, and I’ve been anxious to see her, as I’ve been contemplating asking her to do something some time.  Well, it turns out that the reason I haven’t seen her is that Dreyfuss passed away.  He was put to sleep a week and half before, as his cancer had spread to his organs.  She seemed okay, as she had had awhile to grieve, and you could see it in her eyes that it hurt, but she has picked herself up to try and move on.  Well, I worked up my nerve (thanks to the pushes of a few) and called her that night.  She seemed very happy that I called, and told me that if I ever wanted to come over to chat that would be great.  She offered me the treats for Tigger that were Dreyfuss’ on the condition that we think of Dreyfuss with each bite (I’m sure to remind Tigger).  Well, she brought them to me, and we made plans to go for a walk on Wednesday to Subway to get something to eat.  Rest assured that if she ever goes out with me someplace else for dinner that it will be somewhere nice.  I’m not that cheap.  I just thought it would be a nice walk, and would allow for plenty of conversation.  I know a lot of people have opinions, and I am no different.  Perhaps she is just another fish in the sea…

I like to write my thoughts.  It is nice.  It helps.  I’ve had my “game on” at work again.  Two days in a row.  But it was harder today.  I hope I can keep it up.

What’s amazing, is that I just checked this site, and like clockwork people still check to see if I write.  Amazing.  The fact that after all we’ve been through, people still care…  I too care, I just can’t seem to express it right.  I can’t seem to do anything right.  With that thought…

I was just about to draft the post, and then I saw my e-mail from CSA Girl.  She said I am her butterfly.  It’s just funny because I was going to use that exact name to describe me.  I got back from lunch, I bought myself Subway.  Yup, my boring traditional sandwich.  Foot long turkey on wheat (it used to be white, I’m mixing it up), lettuce and a little bit of mayo.  Throw in the Cheetos and the Mr. Pibb and I’m good to go.  I’ve been spending my time since CSA Girl left with MG2.  It’s been very nice.  We’ve yet to have a day where we don’t have to wake up due to alarm clocks.  It’ll be nice to be able to spend time with her on a Friday night where we don’t have to work the next day.  Well, back to the reason she called me a butterfly, and that I feel I am.  I got home, and ran into Karen while walking Tigger.  She asked me how it all went (my trips), and after a few minutes of chatting she said that she would like to go to Universal again and would love to drive with me there to be able to go again.  It through me off.  I have not been trying with her.  I just enjoyed seeing her and talking to her.  Yes, I wanted to ask her out for coffee or something, but that was long ago.  I had since decided not to, as I figured it would just be nice to chat with someone, without trying for more.  Maybe that was just my excuse so I didn’t have to feel rejected.  Well, it didn’t matter.  She gave me her cell number without me asking, now she suggested going to Cali together.  I’m doing a damn good job of getting exactly what I wanted in the beginning by not trying.  I’m happy with MG2.  I really am.  It just through me off.  I’m just thinking a lot of things lately.  About MG2, about moving somewhere besides Phoenix, about finding another job within the company (I’ve been approached as I’ve said before), about finding a job outside the company, as well as about my final wishes.  I had a nice conversation with Cookie the other day, and this was after I got back and we went through that hell weekend with the pillowcases and the bed and stuff.  She’s been meeting people online, and has been very happy.  That helps me, because then she is pleasant with me.  I called JenJen awhile back to just say hi, but left a message as she didn’t answer.  I was surprised she didn’t call me back.  Normally I call her and hear right back from her.  Last, but most certainly not least by any means, I’ve been exchanging e-mails with JB.  I’m not ready to, but I’m doing it anyway.  I still have some feelings there that I need to overcome.  She bought a house, and is closing on it today as a matter of fact.  I think a lot about her, but I have a hard time sending the e-mails.  I don’t want to bother her, and I don’t want to be difficult with her.  I mean, I’m hurting still, and I don’t want that to show to her too much.  I say too much as I’m sure it can be seen.  I’m just like that.  I wait a few days before I send another one, or so I try.  I just need to make sure I’m past all of that.  I’ve been asked on a few occasions about the bottle of wine.  I haven’t really answered the questions.  I just say it’s waiting for a day that will likely never come.  But hey, that ray of hope…  I don’t know.  Butterfly.  Butterfly Boucher.  That was the name of the artist that performed before Sarah.  I’m thinking on how to explain how to say the word Boucher, as it’s Australian.  There are a lot of songs that I still need to add to Aura.  I’m listening to it now (of course).  I love the time I spend with MG2, but I don’t know what I want.  If I was invisible.  More like if I could read minds.  That would be nice.  My first day back to work I went to lunch with Dr. B.  I filled her in on my trips, and we chatted a little bit about my final wishes.  I’m curious to get the feedback from people.  She thinks, well, simply put, and she can correct me if I’m wrong, but that it is a waste of money, I’m dead, it’s over, thanks for playing, exit the ride to the left.  There is nothing else after this, and if you’re dead you don’t mind, so may as well have your ashes after cremation be placed or spread where you wish.  I understand what she is saying.  In talking to Cookie, although I can’t believe I talked to her about it, she said that she believes each person has a soul, and what will become of mine if I was to do that?  She also wanted me to make sure I’m resolving all my fears by doing this.  She thinks it is my underlying religious fears that have brought me to this point, and I need to make sure that is being resolved.  Like I said, I don’t expect it to work, but it appeases me to know that there is a possibility that it isn’t final.  Everything else just seems so final.  To be honest, my only concern is the cost.  I mean, you are looking at just under $200,000.  There, I put a number on it.  Granted, most of it is paid via life insurance, so you aren’t paying that amount, but still.  That is a lot of money that could go elsewhere.  To me it seems selfish.  I thought I had a lot on my mind yesterday, but I talked to MG2 and things were much better.  Now I have the same thing today.  Well, I will see her tonight, as I got Harry Connick Jr. tickets.  Don’t know that I’ve ever heard a song of his, but I know MG2 liked him, so I’m going.  It was all ironic, as CSA Girl pointed out that he would be here, and that was before I told her that she liked him.  So, I got tickets, and she seems very excited.  I took her a dozen roses the other day to her work.  She gave me a tour, and I didn’t have a problem with it at all.  In fact, I found it very educational.  It was nice to see everything and learn about her daily routine.  Later that day I went out with her and her friend Diane who also works with her.  We went to happy hour and it was fun to hear them talk and joke around about work.  The profession is very different, but the drama is the same no matter where you are.  People are people.  Well, I’m going to take off here as I need to get home soon.  Have a goodnight…

Well, below is what I had drafted about a week ago now.  After arriving back in Phoenix, MG2 picked me up at the airport.  I was able to spend a few short hours with her, but then she had to go to work and I had to pick up CSA Girl.  The visit with CSA Girl was very nice.  I knew she was longing to be home after being here, and she felt like she was keeping me from MG2.  I loved every moment that I was able to spend with her while she was here.  Sarah was beautiful, it was everything I had hoped for.  Last night we stayed up real late and watched a ton of movies.  It was great.  I was sad to see her go this morning, but I know she was anxious to be home.  And although I do finally get to spend quality time with MG2, I was very, very grateful for the time that I was able to spend with CSA Girl.  Oh, and timing is everything.  My boss, she lives near me, and we happened to run into her while walking into the grocery store to get CSA Girl cigarettes (I’m trying to get her to quit).  I didn’t introduce her, but it was the weirdest moment.  I didn’t know what to say.  Well, I’m at Superstition Springs Mall now.  I drove down to Mesa to take some flowers to MG2’s new work.  I figured it would be nice to see flowers come in for somebody alive to appreciate them.  The colors of the roses were beautiful.  Pinks, purples, yellows.  And the purple that was used in place of Baby’s Breath was really nice as well.  I hope she enjoys them.  It’ll be nice to see her dogs again (I missed them too).  Cheezy, no?  Unlike my Hawaiian dinner date from the evenings in HI (who was more interested in her date’s dog than him), I’m happy to know that I’m not more interested in her dogs than her.  I’m a bad person, when I’m here, I tell them that I work in the mall in order to get the mall discount.  Actually, in this case, she asked me if I worked here.  I said that I worked at Paradise Valley mall (another Westcor mall).  When she asked where in PV mall, I said Suncoast Motion Picture Company (what do I know more about than movies?).  I mean, I used to work at Dairy Queen, and although I can easily say DQ and be able to list off the info needed to prove it, I find Suncoast more exciting.  Anyway, it saved me money on the food.  I still tell the staff at DQ that I work in the mall too, as I get things at DQ cheaper as well.  It’s just a matter of knowing which stores give mall discounts.  Well, anyway, I was in much more of a gloomy mood yesterday, and I thought I was going to go on about my tumultuous moods and thoughts, but I didn’t write yesterday, and today has been busy.  I met with KLM’s husband, who works for an insurance company.  As I plan on funding my final wishes with my life insurance.  It was odd though, when I went and saw where MG2 works, I wasn’t creeped out.  At all.  I sometimes wonder if it wouldn’t just be easier to come to terms with things and find a much, much cheaper solution.  Well, I just got a call from CSA Girl, she is now back in Madison.  Well, the two chunks of text below are what I started drafting while in Hawaii.  It is in rough shape, as I didn’t really finish it.  I didn’t talk about seeing the Hawaiian Sun Bathing Sea Turtles, or some of the other breathtaking views, but here it is…

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Okay, so I haven’t posted since being on the beautiful state of Hawaii.  Probably because I keep using the same words over and over again: beautiful, lovely, gorgeous, etc.  Getting off the plane I had no clue where I was on the island, or the direction in which I needed to go.  The guy next to me was stalking me, and that was creepy, and there was a couple that sucked face the entire way to the baggage claim and while waiting for the baggage.  I found my way to the hotel without a problem, and I swear a prostitute tried to jump in my car on the corner.  The view from the hotel was gorgeous.  I wish San Diego was like this.  I could see the ocean and the beach, the hotels nearby, I could look down on the pool, the street and see everybody walking, as well as the hula dancers and listen to the music they play every night.  I had a taste of Longboard Lager while I was at the Hard Rock Café.  It’s nice because it rains here every afternoon.  A light mist.  It’s been a long 7 days, and I’m anxious to get home.  I talked to MG2 last night, as she is now back in Phoenix.  We talked for several hours.  I will soon be watching my first episode of Seinfeld, and can finally see “The Contest” and learn what the deal is with the whole “master of her domain” thing that CSA Girl mentioned.  I’m worried that I’ll be embarrassed, but I guess CSA Girl says it will be her that is embarrassed.  I’ve seen numerous TSC’s while here, I saw the Arizona Memorial (lost a bet with CSA Girl, as I teared up), and went to the Dole Plantation.  It took me about 40 minutes to get through the world’s largest maze.  It can be lonely on these trips alone.  Kolohegirl has been my dinner date for the last two evenings, it’s been nice.  I was looking over the agenda for CSA Girl’s visit.  It’s too bad that the whole reason for the visit won’t happen.  As Terry will have to take an emergency visit out of town.  He still doesn’t know she is coming.  I’ve had plenty of “alone time” and time to think while on these trips.  Did I get accomplished what I wanted to?  Did I actually think all the problems would be resolved?  All I need to do is enjoy the time.  That’s what I told MG2 to do, and I need to be sure I do the same.  I’m trying to work a little more on the movie of my life.  It’s not a quick decision making thing.

I found it.  I wasn’t supposed to.  She has since edited her post.  I felt special, to know I was somewhere inside.  Where nobody has seen before.  I respected her wishes though, it is erased from my memory, I will not find my way back unless she lets me.  Maybe I’m selfish, okay, I am selfish, but I feel special.  She can trust me…