Taxes are done.  Getting a few thousand back from the Government.  Bought a bike yesterday.  And I’m getting MG2’s fixed.  We went rollerblading together this morning, and we took the dogs for a nice long walk tonight.  I told her about how I used to rollerblade or run that same route, and how I would think about JB.  I know it seems strange, but I want to be honest in this relationship.  She said her method was to go on long drives.  Just think.  I think we all have done that before.  She made a great breakfast this AM, scrambled eggs and cinnamon rolls, and went with me to my nephew’s basketball game.  After the game, two of my sister’s, my brother-in-law, and my mom went with us to Macayo’s.  MG2 and I just ate chips and salsa, and ordered dessert.  It was fun.  We’ll probably waste away the evening by watching some more SG-1 and The 4400.  A great series that came out when I was in Hawaii, but I just didn’t watch because I was away from home.  And who wants to spend their time in Hawaii by staying in and watching TV.  I’m lame, but not that lame.  Sci-Fi is re-playing them so we watched the season.  Next season starts in June.   I got the cars taken care of, tires balanced and rotated, oil changes in both, and we are getting her A/C fixed (it went out a few weeks ago).  Luckily it’s not too hot yet, but I want to get it taken care of for her before it gets up there again.  My mom is also in need of money.  Which reminds me, I need to set up automatic payments to her.  I’m just going to pay her every two weeks to help her out.  It’s a good chunk, but she’s more than earned it.  )

I have a ton of work to do tomorrow.  I have no idea how I can get it all done, but I’ll find a way.  I just work better when I’m not at my desk.  I don’t have the concentration there that I need.  I could be doing it now, but I don’t want to.  I worked enough this weekend.  MG2 is asking me to stop time and see if we can just stay here right now.  She’s not looking forward to work tomorrow.  I’m really pushing her to find a different job.  Anywhere.  Terry knows I might leave if MG2 finds something somewhere else.  I’m hoping they would let me work remotely.  Their pilot program seems to be working well, and I work remotely at least once every two weeks anyway (if not more).  The other day I worked from Paradise Bakery for 3 hours.  That was nice.  It was packed with people doing the same thing.  You would think it was Starbucks or something. 

Well, I think MG2 might actually come and sit on my lap.  Sweeet.  I was kidding with her about having sex now, but I think she might call my bluff.  Better end this so I can be ready!  Nighty night…

Well.  What to say.  I was relieved to find out my three PST files (all my emails) for the last 5 years are not gone.  I just don’t know as much about computers as I thought I did.  Folders can synchronize, and make it look like things are gone.  All my lack of knowledge and I still managed to get a raise today.  Now, before I regret saying that, let me just comment that I’ve been a BA longer than all the rest and I’m currently 10-15k behind everybody else in that room.  Only catch is that it doesn’t take until April, as that begins a new budget year.  I’ve also been with TriWest for now over five years.  Not much in comparison to others, but it still makes me proud.  I was also relieved to know that nobody questioned the validity; it was just a matter of working it all out on the admin side.  Stupid HR.  Oh, did you know that employees can get fired for having personal web logs?  So, before I bitch too much…  I am really surprised Terry kept fighting for me.  Especially with me being off on a medical leave.  CSA Girl impressed me a few more times today.  She is just so on top of things.  Maybe that is just her area of expertise, but I always feel so behind her in knowledge.  I sent an email to JB the other day.  Valentine’s Day to be exact.  Is it wrong for me to be so, dare I say obsessed, with somebody like that?  I notice I run my tangents from one thought to the next on here.  So here’s a few more.  I got a new Le Mutt for Christmas.  It’s so weird, he looks just like my old one, only new.  I know that sounded weird.  But still.  MG2 got it off eBay.  I was moved to tears.  It was the best Christmas present this year (with the exception of being able to live thanks to Dr. Rosenthal).  We’ve been watching the show Medium on NBC.  It’s sweet.  It starts off with her having a dream, and the rest of the episode builds from that.  It’s so cool.  It takes place in Phoenix, which is kinda weird because everything is so staged and fake.  They even call the county Mariposa instead of Maricopa.  Weird.  I’m listening to my TiVo now.  The HMO features are sweet.  I can listen to MP3s streamed off of my PC in the other room.  Wirelessly.  It’s so cool. 

I had a really weird dream last night.  And although I truly believe it is a result of watching so many episodes of Stargate and watching the movie Stripstream on the Sci-Fi channel, I found it very engaging.  There have been a lot of shows and movies that I’ve seen as of late that have dealt with time travel, multiple realities and such.  Well, for some reason in this dream, although I remember very little, I was present when we (either myself or others) decided to move our galaxy.  Physically move the galaxy.  Like it’s place in the universe wasn’t good enough.  Well, it was moved back, but the impact moving it in the first place had was cataclysmic.  Then it had to rotate at a specific speed.  Life was never the same.  It was so deformed and the whole thing was so mentally overwhelming I woke myself up.  The thought of thinking on such a grand scale was mind-boggling.  I just wish I had the mental ability to understand it all.  Maybe that helps support my conquest for what some interpret as immortality.  Although I don’t know, at least I don’t believe, though I may be deluding myself, that I want to live forever.  Digressing.  Anywho.  The point is that being around to answer some of those questions would be great.  And although death may provide more answers than I’m aware, I don’t know that for sure.  So why give up something that could provide more.  If and/or when I die (which I very, very likely will), I will know what answers death provides at that time.  So again, why give up on this now?  Don’t think that one of my early thoughts when I was in the hospital wasn't what it would be like to die.  And that maybe I never can be too young to prepare my final wishes. 

MG2 made a great dinner tonight.  She even baked chocolate chip cookies.  I need to do my taxes soon.  I think I’ve decided to use the refund on pay the down payment on my next house.  I survived another February 4^th.  That would be Rachel’s (my old boss) birthday, but also the anniversary date for Cookie and I.  We exchanged a few brief emails that day, and even a phone call that morning.  Nothing too bad.  Just a quick, remember how it was, why it is the way it is, and just an overall review of life in general.  It wasn’t bad.  I was still off work at the time.  I provided clarification to her that it wouldn’t just be an anniversary, as it would have actually been the wedding day.  As I was planning to ask the year before.  I was even out looking at rings, and had the proposal all planned.  Then JB saved the day.  God I miss her.  I mean, all my logic says it wouldn’t have worked out, but still.  The thought.  The longing.  It must be old for you the dear old reader.  “Enough with JB!”.  Well, not for me.  If I keep it dormant it just comes back up harder than the time before.  I hope she is doing well.  I still have the bottle of wine…  Have a goodnight, and sweet dreams to each of you, wherever you are…

Just a quick note...

I'm back at work.  Well, not at the moment, as it's President's Day.  I'm just wasting away the day watching movies and television (so what else is new).  I've got a nice scar, but my stomach is still a little sore.  Especially when I move around a lot.  The more I get around, the more it hurts.  I rub it like a pregnant woman.  I've been asked "when's it due" more than once.  I'm going through a phase with the web logs.  I don't like the word 'blogs' but I'm coming to terms with it.  I'm looking into Google's version, while weighing the pros and cons of others.  Why can't I use Xanga?  No reason.  I just like to shake things up a bit.  Just a moment ago I was looking into virtual keyboards.  The ones that project a keyboard with lasers onto a flat surface.  Sweeeet.  I'm just into toys.  Thanks to K-Girl for helping me get my new BB software up and running.  Too bad the network went down for a record amount of time on Friday.  That's what happens when they don't want to pay the electricians overtime to do the work on a weekend.  I guess one of the things that really keeps me typing, is to see those that come back looking for what I'll say next.  Kinda like the reason most people continue to listen to Howard Stern...they want to hear what he'll say next.  I know PPE has been thown off guard by my greetings via our mutual friend, but it's a start for me.  I guess I just can't get back into that life.  I was invited up to Karen's place last night, but I couldn't wait to get out of there.  I'm just not a social butterfly.  I'm a butterfly, flighty as all hell, but not like that.  I see even TDM has drifted away from his blog, there I used the term.  It happens.  I had all that free time at home for two months and I posted, what, once?  Twice?  Then again, am I to comment on what episode of MacGyver I'm watching on that given day?  Or to ramble on about things like how I actually kissed Karen once?  Not to down play that, as it was AWESOME, but still.  If it seems that my life is so boring to me, how can it ever be exciting to anybody else?  Especially via text?  Should I be adding pictures?  I just might...  I've mentioned several times about how I just don't feel I am the person I used to be.  Besides the fact that I'm missing a section of my small intestine.  An example is how I can't seem to watch horror movies anymore.  I used to love them.  Can't figure it out. 

DNA defines what we are.  It's predetermined the moment the sperm hits the egg.  But it never defines who we are.  Because that is never constant.  Who we are continues to change with every passing moment...

I had my staples taken out today.  I felt like I had the surgery all over again.  You should have seen the way I was walking.  It’s pathetic.  My balloons are starting to deflate, but not by much.  WPS sent them to me when I was in the hospital.  They were the first thing I got, and it was really great.  I had no idea who had sent them, but when I saw it was “my friends at WPS”, I was touched.  TriWest sent me flowers, but I like the fact that WPS’ balloons got there first.  I got another prescription for my pain killers, Percocet, today.  Another 40 pills should hold me over.  He told me I had four more weeks before I could return to work.  I’m surprised how much pain I’m still in.  It’s not too bad, but it’s enough to know I can’t do a damn thing.  Well, I watched the Packer game in HD, with the 5.1 surround sound.  Too bad they lost.  I called and spoke to TDM briefly after the game, and I didn’t feel too bad since they beat Minnesota in the previous games this season.  I went to lunch with Karen yesterday.  We went to Oregeno’s.  She was pretty sick when she went back to Michigan for Christmas.  My sweetie has made some really good meals while I’ve been home.  It’s been great.  We told the kids that I was running with scissors and that’s how I got hurt.  They aren’t the brightest crayons in the box.  JenJen came and visited me while I was in the hospital, and MG2 was sweet enough to call Cookie to let her know what was going on.  I really like the fact that she didn’t have a problem doing that.  It meant a lot to me.  I’m happy she is confident enough in things to know that she doesn’t have anything to worry about.  We stayed up real late last night talking.  I remember when we were in Utah, Kirk, the guy that she used to work with that showed us houses when we were there said something about the fact that if there is enough space in the master bedroom we could put chairs there to talk or something.  I was like huh?  Talk?  When I go to the bedroom we have sex.  What the hell does he mean, talk?  But we reminisced last night and it was great.  About how we used to stay up all night and we’d be really tired the next day at work.  We’d make out a lot, but it all started by long talks.  It was just nice to do it again last night.  We talked about our families, our fears, our grandparents, all sorts of things.  All the while I was rubbing her back.  I didn’t even realize I was doing it, as it required no effort.  And that surprised me as usually I get tired after only a few seconds of doing it.  It was just a great night.  Then today the Nazi that lives near me decided to start cutting wood and hammering early this morning.  The ass-clown has been doing it all day.  Tigger has been sweet, and he is feeling better when his ears are kept clean.  You can see his boost in energy.  But I’m really starting to miss Sierra and Lucy.

I wrote the above several days ago.  On Monday, actually.  Tonight I’m going out with MG2, Karen, and our other neighbor Maria.  Oh, and good news, the Nazi above me is moving out.  He was packing his car today.  Still trying to figure out where to go for dinner.  I’m starting to get depressed having to stay home all the time since I can’t drive anywhere.  We’ll see how it all plays out…

It was bad enough losing JB once, but it’s harder losing her in my dreams over and over again…

The short story:  I presented to the ER on Monday, December 28th, complaining of abdominal pain.  I had what I described as stomach pains that would build in intensity and just act like a wave going through my stomach.  They did a CT and discovered an obstruction.  I was admitted to the hospital and had emergency surgery the next day.  They removed roughly six inches of my small intestine.  After eight wonderful days in the hospital, I’m home.  I’m out of work for 4-6 weeks, so I’m quite bored.  And with MG2 working, I’m lonely.  I counted 26 punctures from needles, one long cut, and 21 visible staples (I can’t see how many staples are in my small intestine).  I finally watched Garden State, and watched the news about the tornado warning for North Scottsdale yesterday.  As for the emergency surgery, it was what is called “Meckel's Diverticulum”.  1 in 50 people have this pouch left over from the umbilical cord.  Of that 1 in 50 people that have it, only 1 in 25 have a problem with it.  Maybe I should be playing the lottery instead.  I was textbook though, everything I read described my situation perfectly: the pain causing an ER visit, the doctors doing a CT, and not knowing what it is until they cut in.  On the bright side, there were cute nurses at the hospital.  New Years wasn’t too exciting, except that I had a bowel movement just before and just after midnight.  And even though I have yet to have a solid movement even after 10 days from going to the ER, having one in the first place is nice (it makes my belly feel better).  On New Year’s Eve I had only woken up at 11:30, because they had me drugged from the anti-nausea medicine.  I almost missed it.  I hope to be better soon.  What am I supposed to do for 4 to 6 weeks?  What did I do the first day I came home?  I went to Carrabba’s and made love later that evening.  I don’t know how I did either, but when you really want to do something, you find a way.  It won’t be happening again soon, but it was so worth it.  She was so sweet to me, she used up all her PTO at work to be with me at the hospital, she came both before and after work to see me, and she missed a lot of sleep.  Not to mention that she held down the fort, paid the bills, took care of the dogs.  She was great.  All I did was buy her a George Foreman Grill to say “thank you”, but if you would have seen how excited she was to get it, maybe that was all I needed to do.  I hope to get better, so I can continue to make it up to her for the rest of my life…

What really makes us happy?  I’ve had nice conversations with MG2 just before going to bed.  It’s hard though because I know she is sleepy, and I’m not sure that if I was to have the conversations at an earlier time of day that I would get different answers.  I want to go back to the way I was, as a kid, with an active imagination.  But at the same time, I would love to be rid of that drive, that chemical in us that makes me want and crave women.  Karen is a nice constant reminder.  She’s everything I want, and don’t want, all wrapped into one person.  She’s got the life I would love to live, but her personality is just way off for me.  What I have and want should be clear as day, but I’m selfish.  I want it all. 

I gave KLM a boost and pushed a job opening we have her way.  I don’t know what will become of it.  Her resume is lacking, but is it just because of a lack in experience, or is it that she just doesn’t have what it takes?  JenJen is having her graduation in a few weeks.  I’ve yet to RSVP, but I plan on going.  I’m not sure how weird it’ll be, but I’d like to go.  A long time ago I sent her a letter, pretending to be from U of A, stating that she couldn’t be accepted and to try ASU.  I thought it was hilarious.  I talk way too much about my ex's with MG2.  I wonder if I give her an incorrect impression on how I feel about things.  I still have the reminder on my calendar to get a card for JenJen.  It was her birthday card (from September).  I bought the card before her birthday, but never sent it. 

I caught up on CSA Girl’s page.  I don’t even know what to say there.  Mostly out of disappointment in myself.

Got the crappy HD-DVR from Cox.  It works.  It does what it is supposed to, but it is no TiVo.  Don’t get me wrong, the thought of being able to record 24 in HD with 5.1 surround sound will be sweet, but their user interface sucks.

I also survived the holiday party.  That was interesting.  MG2 was introduced to many a new people.  PPE has been nothing but sweet, but I just have issues.  I'm sorry.  Maybe it should say something that she is as persistent as she is, and taking the time to look for text that may not be there, or maybe she is just bored.  Either way, I'm sorry that I am who I am.

$200,000 gets you into space, $50,000 will clone your pet, and brainwaves can move a cursor on a screen.  I’m still amazed that the tablet PC recognizes my handwriting and can convert it to text. 

I’ve been thinking about JB a lot.  More than I should, and maybe want to.  Not too sure there.  I hear the songs, I eat the mints, and she is just always on my mind.  I wish I knew why.  Is she just my Nadia?  The one that got away?  Or am I just dreaming that there may have been more.  More that couldn’t have been.  Dream, that’s what I do.  I love it, hate it, and wish I could do it after I die.  All under a Vanilla Sky…

I went to Corp II today.  I’ve been here only one time before this training started, and after we moved everybody out of here.  It’s still strange, but not.  It’s all too comfortable somewhat.  To top it off, I went to McDonalds.  Got my fries, and my Dr. Pepper.  Just like old times…I can’t help but glance at the booth in the back where JB and I sat… 

I’ve changed.  I used to be more complex.  I used to discuss things that were in depth and thoughtful.  I don’t do that anymore.  I remember that was an issue I had with JenJen.  I just didn’t get the feeling that she understood me.  Who I was, or what my hopes and dreams were.  Then, with Cookie, she had no problem having those discussions, only I felt that she was critiquing me, criticizing me.  She likely didn’t intend to, but that was why I had a hard time opening up to her on some things.  This was one of many issues that brought down the relationship.  Now, with MG2, I just don’t think as complex as I used to think.  I have the thoughts, I mean, I obviously do if I’m writing about them, but I don’t discuss them with her very often.  I don’t know.  There’s my famous line: “I don’t know”.  CSA Girl pointed that one out to me.  I was able to discuss things with Sharon, and JB like that.  Even CSA Girl.  Just on a different level I guess.  I used to ask questions like “why is the sky blue”?  Although I already know the answer to that one.  I won’t get on my “Science soapbox” as CSA Girl would put it.  Hers was a SPIU soapbox. 

Yesterday we went shopping for a dress.  It was supposed to be a good day, and I guess it was, but it was tougher than most.  After I dragged myself out of bed in the morning, I found her wallet on the kitchen counter.  She must have forgotten to put it back in her purse from the night before (she bought 24 on DVD for only $30 at Costco.com!).  Well, I decided I’d drive down to Mesa to give it to her.  I hate the 45 minute drive, but I figured I’d show up with a pumpkin bagel and make her day a little better.  I ended up spending the day with her at work.  I just sat there and did my own work on the tablet, but it was nice to be there.  I just don’t even know what I’m supposed to feel like anymore.  I’m wanting it so bad, but am I trying to create something that isn’t there?