It’s the worst feeling in the world when you make a mistake and it hurts somebody else.  It’s worse when you feel that you make the same mistakes over and over again.  I really need to learn to think before I speak.  What I need to do even more is learn from my mistakes, and not worry about them for the years to come.

I got some TiVo in today.  I got through Thursday and Friday’s shows of Scrubs, CSI, Without A Trace, Stargate SG1, and I was starting on Sunday’s lineup.  I’m only a week behind.  I wired the surround sound.  I have to do some quality assurance tests on it, but it should be 100% within the next week.  Next step is to update the programming on my Pronto Remote.  For those that don’t know, it’s a cool touch screen remote control which you program through your computer.  You make the buttons; you can even add little logos and pictures and use them as buttons.  It also can record macros which will turn on your equipment, change the input and turn to a specific channel.  It’ll probably take me another month to get to programming it though.  I still need to clean up the office and get other things in order.

It used to be that girls would say “It’s not you, it’s me”.  Now, instead, they use the “you’re a great guy, and someday some lucky girl will come along for you to be with forever”.  If I hear that line again I’m going to lose it.  It meant something the first time I heard it, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that in the past two months.  After a point you don’t know whether or not to believe it.  Batlover made the most hilarious comment: “So what the fuck good does that do you and me, bitch?”  Maybe next time I hear the comment, I’ll use that line.  I seriously doubt it, but the thought makes me laugh.

Norah say’s it best: “Like a flower waiting to bloom, like a light bulb in a dark room, I’m just sitting here, waiting for you to come on home and turn me on…”

Well, Friday night was a bust.  I’ve always believed that “the one” would be found when I’m not looking.  I just thought I would be able to go out in the meantime, meet friends, and just have a good time.  Apparently that will not always hold true.  I found the evening very disturbing.  What was funny, was the one person I was even remotely interested in talking to, was married.  But the second I found that out, I was done with that.  I guess I’m just attracted to unobtainable women.  Maybe it goes back to Thin_Ice’s Fox and Rabbit tale.  But I can say with most certainty that when and if I chase and catch “the one”, there will be no “downward spiral to a cynical illusion of a sympathetic adventure.”  Otherwise, “the one” would not be an accurate label.  I think it’s best that I limit my activities to avoid such nauseating locations.  There was just an overwhelming disrespect toward others there.  It was filled with guys that grope, jacket and cigarette thieves, and guys taking advantage of women.  I know Batlover would disagree, and that the women choose to be in the position they are in, but I don’t share that outlook.  I would have to agree with Kolohegirl, when she told me the night just went downhill.  I feel bad that your evening didn’t go well.  You and I had our special moments though.  Risky, but special.   Maybe you should accentuate those memories instead of the bad ones.  I’m always here to chat if you want. 

JB, take notice that I didn’t apologize above.  Although I really want to apologize, I’m still working on cutting back with the “I’m sorrys.”

Thin_ice, I’m not looking for the answer to why I don’t have the girl.  The comment was made in jest.  I’m not all that concerned.  I am, however, happy that your picture perfect girl has come to life.  When painting your unknown, be sure to use the most beautiful of colors…

I watched Office Space tonight.  That movie sure depicts my company accurately.  I suppose the same is true for all other corporate America employees.  I, like most others, can even relate the characters to specific individuals at work.

And hey, some good news: I got my speaker wire today.  So I get to wire my surround sound speakers.  I can watch a good Bruckheimer movie in either Dolby Digital or DTS 5.1 surround sound.  And I get to put the HDTV to full use.  The picture quality is there, and now I’ll have the sound quality as well.  So, in addition to Bruckheimer’s great movies, I can watch his great shows.  Bonus points to anyone that can tell me what the meaning is of his trailer.  And yes, it actually has a meaning, it doesn’t just look good.

And before I close out, thanks to Batlover again.  I enjoyed every moment we had both yesterday and today.  I’m sorry the SciFi channel disappointed us without airing our marathon, but perhaps next year?   Tiggerroni says hello, and hopes to see you again soon as well. 

And to all, Sweet Dreams…

Dearest Storm_Candy, SakiWan most certainly is the bomb.  Only problem is, when she is back from Monaco, she still feels just as far away as when she is there…

I don’t remember the last Valentine’s Day when I wasn’t in a relationship.  So, I took advantage of the freedom and bought cute little cards, and some M&Ms.  I’m not sure why I didn’t do it any year before now.  I just felt an obligation to show those that are there for me that I care too.  I mean, the M&M’s will be gone in a heartbeat, and the cards will probably be tossed in the trash by next week, but for a split second, I hope they get the feeling I do when I get a little something sweet.  Every year I get little Valentine’s cards from people, and I always have a feeling of guilt when I have nothing to give in return.  I know, that is my first problem, I worry too much.  But it was nice this year to be on the other side of things.  But I really don’t know that I prefer to get things, as I’m not sure I appreciate the thought as much as others might.  Why do I care?  Why do I worry?  Why can’t I just enjoy the damn chocolate, the cute card, and move on with life? 

Thanks again to Kolohegirl, as she has said just the right things in regards to my incident on Monday.  Her feelings of sympathy seem very sincere, and I appreciate her caring words.  I’ve spoke of it to very few people, because I’m disappointed in myself, but I would have less of an issue with it if everybody spoke like her.  I’m happy to have her in my life.  And no, it’s not just to get you to fix my PC, or add some HTML to this site!  I really do care…

On a totally separate note, I didn’t number the songs right on Aura, so song 100 wasn’t after 99.  I just have to keep plugging away at it, and it’ll be done before you leave.  Hey, at least I got K-PAX and Sneakers done.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just a slave to technology.  Although the technology is not to blame, for it is us that creates it.  Sometimes I’m just fascinated with what we can do.  Medical lasers, long range telescopes, robots on Mars.  Of course, right now I’m using it to expand my 5000+ MP3 database on my PC.  Not much of a humanitarian cause, but, it works for me.  I accomplished little of great value tonight.  But I had a nice sandwich at Paradise Bakery, and I never turned on the television.  I didn’t put that TiVo technology to use this evening.  It deserved a break anyway.  It’s nice to have a little alone time.  It’s amazing how we always want the opposite of what we have.  When I’m alone, I want somebody, when I’m with somebody, I want my space.  It makes me wonder if there is that middle ground where I will be happy.  I’m sure there is, but patience is a virtue.  I know JB doesn’t like that quote, so tell him to stop using it instead so I can!  I envy the relationship that Thin_Ice spoke of in his little IT world.  I had that when I was in the COMA unit, but I’m not sure I’ll have that now in my little IT world.  It can take years to build those relationships.  I remember when IT was the enemy.  Well, they still are in some cases, but now I’m playing both sides.  In the middle ground.  See, I found the middle ground at work, maybe I should try to find it everywhere else in life…

There are many hurdles that I want to overcome in life.  And although I may not get over them all, I’d like to.  The one that’s been on my mind lately has been death.  As depressing as it might sound, it is a fear that I want to overcome.  I’m not sure how many people are afraid of it, but maybe it’s that people are afraid to admit their fear.  Because of my belief system, or lack of, I find it even more difficult.  I love to dream.  In City of Angels, when he asks the little girl what her favorite thing was, she answered pajamas.  And although I think pajamas are up there on the list, I would rate dreams probably at the top.  To think that I won’t be able to dream when I die is tough for me to handle.  It’s convenient that Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” plays as I write.  It would only be better if I was writing in the dark with candlelight as my sole company.  Back to the topic, I think I want to be frozen, not that I actually expect anything to come of it, but, the fact that it would appease my selfish need to have the possibility to live out the Life Extension program in Vanilla Sky would be great.  To dream all I could dream.  It would be beautiful.  That, for me, is eternal peace...

Okay, so it wasn’t as great of a morning as it should have been.  Such is life.  I’m not worried though, as it’ll get better.  I had a nice extra hour of sleep though.  Too bad it wasn’t intentional.  I’m anxious to make some improvements in my life.  I just wish there was a way to bottle up the way I feel now, so I can shower myself in it later when I’m not always so positive.  I slept on the couch last night with Tigger.  He seemed like he needed it.  Then I moved to the bed at about 3 am.  Although I said that people touch us in ways that no one else can, sometimes music and movies do the same thing.  Sand in my Shoes.  That’s the scenario for this moment.  Sometimes music can just say all the things that we may not be able to.  SakiWan sent me an e-mail this morning.  More talk about that elevator, Batman, and Titanic.  It’s nice to still chat back and forth after all these years.  She’s in Monaco right now.  I was asked the other day by Batlover if I would just sell all my belongings and move to Australia.  And although there are so many reasons why I would want to, there are so many that I wouldn’t want to.  I want to go there on my honeymoon.  And I think I want that to be the first time I go there.  Of course, I’ll have to ask her if that’s okay, when I find out whom “she” is.  Look, I don’t even know her and already I’m asking permission for things.

I'm listening to Aura, and I've made my first post.  It's not a bad start.  Poor Tigger is asleep on the blanket.  I've given up on trying to keep him off of that thing.  I got my hair cut and hung the first few things on the wall.  2 months with no pictures.  I hope I use this thing to it's full advantage.  I just decided to up and dish out a pretty penny for a lifetime membership.  I must have really convinced myself of it.  But to be honest, I've been looking for this for a long while now.  It's nice to have the people in my life that I have.  It's just hard saying something when you never know who will be reading.  I've changed a lot in almost 25 years.  I've grown closer to my family, although it's not much, when you started so far away anything is closer.  And I've met some great friends.  Most recently Batlover.  That picture of her and that cherry tomato is staring me in the face as I type.  Cookie has been nothing but sweet.  And that means a lot to me.  Poor Dr. B is sick, and I stood her up for lunch on Monday.  Not intentionally.  A car got in my way.    I'm in love with the idea of being in love.  And I'm just looking for my Cinderella.  She'll come away with me in the night.  Until then, I can adore those that I can't have, and pine after others that maybe I can have.  Well, I really need to get that sleep.  I look forward to the future that I get to share.  Someday I'll open these up for others to read.  We'll see.  Until then, good night...

JB

Everything has to have a beginning.  And here is mine.  Not sure where to start.  It's been a long road up to this point, and I hope there is an even longer road ahead of me.  Unfortunately, I would have to define the current times as sour.  But it's kind of one of those bittersweet things.  You don't realize what you had until it's gone, but is it worse to hurt for something you never had?  Then again, it's during these times that you see the things that you've always had that you may not have appreciated.  People come into your life for different reasons.  Some stay, some go, but they all touch you in a way that no one else can.  And for that I am most grateful.  Today is the beginning of the rest of my life.  Aura would not be what it is without JB.  I would not be here without Kolohegirl, and yet I was inspired by Thin_Ice.  It's amazing how things come to be.  And how I am the person that I am thanks to all those that have come through my life.  Well, I best begin the rest of my life, and tonight, I'm going to do it with plenty of rest.  For tomorrow is another big day.  Again, thank you to all of you that have touched my life.  Although not all of you will find your way here, for those of you that do, just know that I will never forget you.  And I'm always here.  Sweet Dreams. 

Love Always,

-Jonathan-