Still in Wisconsin, I went to Rocky’s, yes again.  It’s one of the things I miss about Wisconsin.  It’s funny how you get used to things growing up.  Like your mom’s cooking.  As picky as I am, I still eat her food.  And I guess I just had Rocky’s so much growing up, that I have a need for it every chance I get.  Well, that and I just love pizza.  Mostly that I just love pizza.

Oh, and I did have a snowball fight yesterday.  It was all fun and games until the snow went down her shirt and I got smacked with one in the side of the head and my sunglasses went flying.  Yes, my security sunglasses as some people call them.  I wear them a lot, because I don’t want to lose them.  Even at 2 in the morning.  It’s not everyday you find Chanel sunglasses that cost several hundred dollars.  So, when you do, you don’t lose them.  We didn’t intend to have the fight, I just couldn’t resist seeing after seeing all the snow in Portage.  Portage WI is where he lives.  There was snow everywhere, there was just more in Portage.

Well, my sister met up with my brother, his girlfriend and myself to eat pizza and have some beer.  We laughed for awhile, but then things turned serious.  It turned into a discussion about the family, and why things and people are the way they are.  I had no problem partaking in the discussion, as posting to this thing has really made me open up.  I’ve really distanced myself from my family.  For most people God, Family, Friends, are pretty much the priority.  For me, you can drop the first two.  It’s not they are not important, I just don’t know that I would put them above the others.  I kind of have the three on an equal playing field.  Family to me is so much drama.  It’s not that I don’t care, and I would help them in a bind.  But for my family, what is a bind?  Everyday is a bind for some of them.  I have my own problems, and I do turn to them as necessary.  I don’t like to, as I want to resolve things without them as much as possible, but I do.  I got a lot of crap from my brother about using my parents for money.  Not so much cash, but specifically things that they pay for.  Right now it is the car.  A Lexus LS 400.  Yes, I do use it, but what is funny, is when I was ready to buy a car, my mom, my youngest sister, and my brother told me to talk to my dad to see what he could do.  I was specifically told to use him for what he could provide.  And was even told to do it because it makes him feel good to help me.  So, I did.  And now I have the Lexus. 

There was a discussion about my mom, and how she will have to struggle to retire when she is 65.  I said I would be more than happy to pay to help ensure she lives well after 65.  Every month until she dies I said.  Well, saying that pissed them off too.  They didn’t like the thought of her dying I guess.  I mean, who does?  It’s a horrible thought.  I didn’t mean it in a condescending way; I just meant that I would pay forever if I had to.  I mean, realistically, she is going to live for another 20 years or more hopefully, and it would be my full intention to pay as necessary.  There was a discussion about the kids, and how she is taking care of them, and what do I do to help?  Nothing.  I don’t, really.  I told them that I have no problem admitting where things stand.  I said I am emotionally distant from the family, and that I have been given a lot from my parents, that I don’t appreciate it as much as I should, and that although I feel ashamed, I have to admit to it.  They are upset because I pay $950 a month to live in an apartment in North Scottsdale, and that they are broke in Wisconsin.  They say I make the most money in the family and what do I do?  Take care of myself.  I suppose I do, but I’ve offered to let my brother and his girlfriend stay with me if they want to move to Arizona, I offered to pay my sister’s credit card bill when I saw she was struggling with it.  But they didn’t take me up on the offer.  I mean, I don’t want to make it sound like I offer up a ton, because I don’t.  I could do more, yes.  But I am who I am.  And I honestly am living life for me, and for the one that I meet.  If I can help others along the way, great.  They even got mad when I said that I donate to charity, because I should be helping them instead, they are family.  I don’t donate very much, but please.

TDM wanted to know if I was an honorable person.  A good standing moral individual.  I hope so, but we are our own worst critic.  I just wanted a blackberry!  I’ve also talked to Kolohegirl several times via e-mail while here.  But those dropped off about Saturday afternoon.  I also talked to Batlover a few times.  She and Thin_Ice went out on Saturday night. 

Before we went for the pizza, we went to see where we grew up.  We saw the houses we lived in, and brought back a plethora of memories.  From playing basketball in the circle, to running through the forest when I missed the bus (I had to catch it at another stop).  I even saw Jonathan Circle.  My dad developed the land there and named several streets after us.  It’s now like the yuppie place to live in Madison.  Not quite to the level of North Scottsdale, but for Madison, it most certainly is.  I’m not sure that it was his intention when he developed it, but it is what it is.  The houses there are huge, even in comparison to Arizona.  There is a lot of space between the houses, and it is just a very nice Midwest community. 

How many times in life do we do or say things that we regret?  For me it seems to happen quite often.  I’m not sure if it is because I worry too much, and it’s not that bad, or if I’m really just that bad of a guy.  I got into a tiff with my brother, and although it was all in fun, it obviously wasn’t.  His girlfriend said he was more upset with her than with me, but I don’t believe that.  She and I talked for just a few moments, but I told her to go talk with him and not me.  All I know is what I would want if I was in his shoes.  Well, they left together.  At least they are still doing well.  They should get married.  I couldn’t imagine them not getting married.  Anyway, he left upset.  I apologized, but it doesn’t matter.  Well, maybe it does, but all I can do now is think about how stupid I am.

My oldest sister is divorcing her husband.  She blames the kids for the loss of her marriage and her business.  For clarification, they are not her kids, they are my other sister’s kids.  But my other sister is not in a condition to care for them.  As she is in Florida, selling her body, and doing drugs.  Yup.  More family drama.  I guess I’m just tired of it all.  Sometimes I feel really guilty for not doing more, but at what point is enough, enough?  We had an intervention, we took the kids from her, and they are in much better hands now.  Even if those hands have changed from my oldest sister to my mom.  Anyway, she blames the kids for the loss of her marriage and her business.  I’m not sure what to believe.  I mean, they are a handful, but I’m not really sure what the downfall was.  I think it was after the business failed, the marriage failed, and that was when the alcohol increased.  I mean, she lives in Wisconsin where they normally drink a ton, but hers is two tons.  Anyway, I made her aware that we are all concerned and that we will need to deal with it. 

Sometimes I feel I deserve to be alone.  Like it is a punishment.  Other times I think that I can’t make somebody happy.  I guess it’s just one of those times.  I’ve been drained this past week.  Physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I liked the phrase Kolohegirl used: “can I have a weekend from my weekend?”  I just need a break to zone out.  Collect my thoughts, and get back to it all.  And typing this really does help.  I wasn’t kidding when I said it was exactly what I was looking for.  Well, I hope everybody’s weekend went well.  Have a good evening…

“You make me feel like a candy apple…”

Well, I’m here in Wisconsin.  I justified a cost savings to the company so I could leave on Friday, and still get a hotel, rental car, and food paid.  Technically it's a business trip, but I took the weekend as well.  I was born here, so it's nice to get back to enjoy some of the memories.  Every once in awhile I remember why I like working there.  I’ll be back to work on Wednesday next week.  I had to cancel on the hockey game, and the hike I was supposed to take.  I won't even get into the work it took to get Tigger taken care of.  The poem below helped me on my flight, as it has previous flights.  I miss the author.  Reading through old e-mails reminded me of the way things were.  And how it was me that let it trail off to where the relationship is now.  Shaz, thanks again…

On my first flight from Phoenix to Minnesota, I met Jennifer.  She was in her mid 30s, and married with three kids.  She was cute, but unobtainable.  Maybe that’s why she was cute!  We chatted for part of the way, and she stopped to study and I watched the audio commentary on Black Hawk Down.  She and I chatted about the Field of Dreams, as she lived in Iowa.  I want to visit that place someday.  She said that one Sunday a month, or something similar, baseball players come out of the corn fields and play a game.  She heard it’s really neat.  I was worried that it wouldn’t always be there, but there can’t possibly be that many exciting things in Dyersville, Iowa, so they’ll probably milk it for all they can.  She had to drive from Minnesota to Iowa.  She had been in a “crash landing” in Dayton Ohio, where she was originally from.  She said as they were landing, the wind pushed the plane down several hundred feet.  The plane bounced on the runway before eventually stopping.  She said it was very scary, and she is still afraid of landings.  I suppose unexpected weather can change things.  She said she had a nice 3 hour drive ahead of her after our flight.  That would get her home at about midnight. 

On my second flight, from Minnesota to Madison, I met Leah.  Leah was a nurse at the UW in the burn unit.  She was about my age, and not married, but I’m not sure if she was single.  She lived with her sister.  She was cute as well, and we chatted about fun things to do in Madison.  She, like most everybody here, recommends State Street.  We talked until we both had our baggage, and then went our separate ways.  I was asked why I don’t get information to talk to them later, but I think that sometimes in life it is nice to know you can just meet somebody for the time that you have, enjoy it, and move on.  You start to appreciate even the small relationships that you have.  I’m one of those people that just likes to talk to the grocery store checkout employees. 

It was nice talking with both of them.  They helped distract me, and I somewhat enjoyed the flight.  I hope the flights home live up to the flights here.  And the Northwest planes were nice.  No “puddle jumpers” that make you vibrate the entire way.

I have to find out how to remotely check my voicemail on the VoIP phones at work. 

Home Alone 3 is on TBS.  I’ve never seen it before, but if you know me, there are very few movies that I don’t like.

Well, when I got here, my brother and his girlfriend picked me up at the airport.  And hey, he was only 30 minutes late.  Not too bad for our family.  We went to Perkins, as there isn’t much open after midnight.  I had a waffle with blueberries, powdered and brown sugar, and Bavarian cream cheese.  It was really good.  Today we picked up my rental car, as it was closed by the time I flew in.  His girlfriend wanted me to get a VW Bug, but they didn’t have any, so they wanted the ZX-5 Ford Focus sports car.  It was a hatchback thingy.  I thought it was cheesy, but they seemed to really like it.  I compared it to driving a fast golf cart.  I just liked that the CD player played MP3 encoded CDs.  So, I listened to Aura while driving.  It was weird.  Mixing Aura and Wisconsin.  Two very different worlds coming together.  Even though the origins of Aura came from my summer in Wisconsin, with all the added songs, it was a new experience.  Very pleasant though. 

We went to lunch at Rocky Rococo Pizza.  They had 2 little theaters where we could choose between Babe, and Chicken Run.  We watched the first 45 minutes of Chicken Run, and then went to East Towne mall.  She bought a few skirts, made fun of Amanda, some girl my brother knew that worked there, then headed to his place.  His place, which was originally my grandparents, is now being remodeled.  It has a ways to go, but has come a long way, and you can actually see hopes for a finished product.  Oh, and I forgot to mention that they are still in puppy love.  Yeah, a year later and they make out like they haven’t seen each other in months.  They are always kissing and groping each other.  When they aren’t kissing, they are making kissing sounds and obscene gestures.  They are just too cute, and I’m only a little jealous.  We went swimming at my hotel, sat in the sauna, and in the spa before heading to dinner.

We went to dinner with my oldest sister.  I’m worried because she is most certainly an alcoholic.  She is in denial, but it is bad.  She is just always on a high.  She drives fine, as far as I could tell, and she carries conversations without a problem.  In fact, you probably wouldn’t know if you couldn’t smell it.  She downed two large beers.  It was a learning experience though.  I learned that my dad has another brother and sister that I didn’t know about.  That would make them another aunt and uncle.  That would mean he is one of five kids.  I guess they were kind of outcasts.  They both did time, for different criminal activity.  Not like murder or anything, but both for theft, and she for prostitution.  I don’t know the details, and I don’t think my sister did either.  They just know the things they did, and that they got caught for some of the stuff at least once.  They didn’t do the stuff together, as they didn’t even really talk to each other for what I hear.  I will also have pictures from when I was hospitalized.  I was hit by a car when I was five, and I’ll throw it in for Batlover’s sake: I was on Crime Stoppers.  It was a hit and run, so they came and filmed a reenactment.  It’s just interesting to learn more about it, as I don’t remember much.  She said that there was paint from the car on my jacket.  Although I was surprised and asked if it was recently painted, my sister said that it shows how hard they hit me, and my brother said that older cars have paint that comes off easier.  And for clarification, Batlover doesn’t necessarily find the thought of me being hit by a car funny, nor the fact that I was on Crime Stoppers, but that I was soooo dramatic when I told her the story.  I didn’t realize that I was, but if she says so.  There is just too much drama in my family.  My grandfather committed suicide.  This was something that I wasn’t told until I was in high school.  And my uncle accidentally shot himself in the hand last year, he was the same age as my grandfather was when he died.  I like my uncle, Spud as we call him.  He is a hunter, fisher, and just a good ol’ Wisconsin guy.  I hope to see him while I’m here.

I found myself thinking of Stephanie a lot again.  And every time I drove past a semi truck, I would hurry to pass them.  I do that in Arizona, but it stands out in my head more in Wisconsin.  For those that don’t know, Stephanie was a good friend I grew up with.  Although we never had a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, she and I shared our hopes and dreams with each other.  Then, one night on her way back to school from a visit home, a semi merged onto the freeway and took out four cars.  They say she died instantly.  I hope so.  It was weird, as a song that we had in our childhood was Vanessa Williams, Save The Best For Last.  Specifically the line, “how could you give your love to someone else, and share your dreams with me”.  We ignored the “how could you” part.  But that is exactly what I did; I shared my dreams with her, but gave my love to someone else.  If you could call it love.  I was young.  It was the girl that I first kissed.  Just a peck.  Sara.  She was very bright, and was a great friend.  Anyway, the song played in the mall while we were shopping today.  I also heard Norah and Sarah.  Both of whom my brother and his girlfriend like as well.  I played Feelin’ Love for them.  My brother had never heard it, but his girlfriend and I knew all about the song.  When growing up, Stephanie and I had a nice little group of friends.  The group wrote a story together: “The Big Adventure”.  Although those that read it would probably find it funny, it just has a special meaning to those that wrote it.  The stories within the story. 

Anyway, I need to get some sleep as it is now 12:30 am.  Tomorrow I’m going to hook up with my brother and his girlfriend again.  And my oldest sister again as well.  I plan to see the places where I grew up.  All the old memories.  I don’t try to relive any of the memories, but I like to look back on them.  I will also get to see the pictures my sister says she has.  She says she has a ton of them.  I’d like to get them scanned so I can have them as well.  Anyway, my apologies for not writing more sooner, as I’ve had a busy week.  I look forward to posting, as I hope that you look forward to reading.  Sweetest of Dreams to you…

"A thousand other boys could never reach you, how could I have been the one?"

I dropped $122 at Costco yesterday.  And I only bought nine items.  One of the nine items was a hundred pack of CD-Rs.  Those would be the Aura discs.  (No, it won't take all 100) Now I need to find a label maker program that works, since mine isn't appeasing me, then I need a color printer that doesn't make the print jobs look like crap. 

The mail server is down, the file server is down, the print server is down.  At least the internet works, now that I'm not locked out anymore.  Looks like somebody has a case of the Mondays! 

I bought a Sobe today, it was the first time I've ever had one.  I'm not much for tea.  And this is pretty close to tea.  I only got 3 1/2 hours of sleep last night.  It was pouring this morning, as predicted on TriNet.  Tigger was a pain and didn't want to go outside, so he decided to go to the bathroom right smack in the middle of the living room.  I was furious.  He hasn't done that in years.  He has never liked the rain.  But to be honest, he is absolutely adorable when he is wet.  He looks like a cute little puppy.  Wait a minute, I'm supposed to be mad at him.  Ugh. 

Well, the file server is back up, but the mail and print servers are still funky.  Okay, back to work for me...

"It's times like these that I think of you and I wonder if you ever think of me..."

I slept in until noon.  I went to bed about 4:30 this morning.  Then I followed up with match girl #1.  She wants to go hiking with me.  I suppose I’m game, as it’s good for me to get out.  I need to learn that I don't have to listen to what others say.  And I should go with my instincts.  I knew that I should have followed up with her after the Superbowl, but I didn’t because everybody told me not to.  But, she had left me a message, and it was me that looked like the idiot.  It just kind of frustrated me…

I went out with my sister today to AZ Mills.  As I was on the way there, I was listening to the Goo Goo Dolls, and it made me think of JenJen.  Although I think of her all the time, I figured this time I should call her.  I don’t like to call her too often, because I’m still not sure if I ever bother her.  I don’t remember the last time she called me.  I don’t really mind that she doesn’t call, it just makes me wonder if she still wants to hear from me.  But what is funny, is that when I do talk to her, the first thing she says is “Hi!” with the most excited voice ever.  She always makes me feel like she is happy to hear from me.  I will be sharing this site with her soon.  I decided to use JenJen as the nickname, rather than something really obscure such as Uhbuhbabe.  It took me two years to get over her.  She was a true love in my life, and I still think the world of her.  I feel unfortunate that I don’t get to spend more time with her.  I know she likes Sarah McLachlan as well.  Maybe if she’s not busy in July… She wasn’t much for some songs on my Internet Music though.  But now that it has transformed into Aura, she might like it better.  But I’m sure that there is plenty that she still doesn’t like. 

While I was at AZ Mills I ran into two deaf women looking for a store, I was more than excited to help them find what they were looking for.  They had driven up from Tucson.  I was surprised at how well I did, as I haven’t signed with anyone in a long while.  I loved signing with JenJen.  Maybe that’s where my whole “in love with the idea of being in love” thing came from.  It was just really great being in love with her.  It was...dreamy for lack of a better word.  It was just too bad we couldn’t make each other happy.  We were young though.  She was my high school sweetheart, and she was exactly that, a sweetheart.

If I was to be asked how many people I was in love with, the count would probably have to be two.  I mean, there are all different levels of love, but that pinnacle, that, pit in your stomach in love feeling has only been with two.  JenJen asked a little about JB.  But I’m not really sure what to say.  There have been several others that mean a lot to me, but it’s hard to categorize them.

The singers on American Idol suck tonight.  This episode was from last Tuesday.  They are horrible.  I can’t believe I watch this show.  I tried to watch Cold Case while doing this, and I haven’t paid any attention to the show.  Hence the reason I moved on to American Idol.  A show I couldn’t care less about.

Every so often Stephanie pops into my head.  I don’t really have a nickname for her.  I could look through The Big Adventure to see what we called her in that thing.  I really miss her.  And I miss talking to my other old friends in Wisconsin.  She was engaged to be married.  She was really happy too.  I suppose it is good to think about her every so often, as it helps remind me that I need to cherish every moment I have.  The times in Wisconsin.  That’s another story in itself.  From losing Alzheimer’s residents, to cute little puzzles that JenJen made me, to drinking a pitcher of beer at a time.  That was back when Jerry Maguire was coming out on video.  I remember JenJen sent me a copy.  And that was when Internet music came to be.  And now Norah and others have found their way on there, thanks to JB. 

And hey, we could be around for at least another 30 billion years.  Or so says NASA.  At the very least they said, the universe will be around that long.  They proved the existence of dark energy today.  Up to this point, it had pretty much been theory I guess.  There is so much we don’t know about space.  Cookie was always able to fall asleep really quickly, and when I asked her how she did it, she said that she just went to a place with nothing.  I go to space.  I dream I’m out there all by myself.  But I’m not lonely, because I have all my memories, and I can replay them in my head to my heart’s content.  I just find it peaceful, and beautiful.  I’d love to go into space, or to travel the universe.  The unknown.  It just sounds so exciting.

Okay, well, I best finish this up.  I’m trying to work, type this, and watch TV at the same time.  It’s getting kind of hard.  It’s getting late and I’m really tired.  Anyway, I hope you all had a good weekend…Take Care…

I had a headache when I first started writing.  Then, I was only two sentences into it, and my computer shut off.  Yes, I'm still having that problem.  One of these days, it will be a problem no more.

My sister wants to be a firefighter.  Although I'm not sure, I have the impression that 9/11 really impacted her in this regard.  But then again, she just seems like a totally different person this last year or so.  She's engaged now.  I know other members of my family have issues with it, but I don't seem to.  Yes, he's younger than I am, but he seems very mature, and if he's responsible for her change in attitude (even if the change is just toward me), he can't be all that bad.  He was in the Marines.  I don't know about my thoughts about the military.  I guess, I really try not to think about it.  It all kind of upsets me.  On a global level, there is the question about whether what we are doing is right.  Then, you have the individual level, where, you can be jealous of somebody because they are with the one you love, but they are in the military.  Supporting this oh so noble cause.  That should just automatically make them a good person, right?  Yeah, I don't think so either.  But he is a good guy, he has to be, as he is with her.  But does thinking about it really matter?  I mean, we'll still be at war (although technically war is officially over), and she will still be with him.  So, again, what is the point in thinking about it?

I'm working on the laptop at the same time as typing this on my PC.  It just takes it awhile to connect to the company network, and this way I can multitask.  I have a lot of work that I need to be getting done this weekend.  And although I've thought it through in my head, I need to be documenting some of those things.  Looking at TriNet, it is supposed to rain all next week.  Normally I would think that is a great thing.  But for some reason, that doesn’t sound all that great right now… Oh, and I just got an email from Kolohegirl.  I appreciated the e-mail.  Thanks for that.  Did you send it from your blackberry?  Don’t worry, I’m not asking for one.  Because that is my punishment for the weekend, remember?  I tried to add a link within the post but it didn't work.  I’m just that I have enough time to figure it out right quick.  Then, I'm not sure that I want to go through the work everytime I mention a name to add a link.  We’ll see…  It looks like the server that hosts my personal network folder is unavailable.  That’s great.  Because the stuff that I need is on that drive.  It figures.  I remember seeing on the board in the HelpDesk that VPN access to that domain wasn’t working.  I just didn’t think anything of it.  I’m not sure if I even know what I’m talking about, but I sound like a geek, right Kolohegirl?

I was watching Stargate SG-1 when, they had to do that standard National Broadcast Alert thingy.  They do it every weekend about this time early in the morning.  And because Cox’s version of the DVR is stupid, I can’t watch any recorded shows without hearing the annoying sound.  A problem I never had with DirecTV and TiVo.  Speaking of Stargate, I couldn't believe they killed of Dr. Fraser.  I liked her...

My dad came into town yesterday.  He lives up in Prescott.  But I already had plans to meet Thin_Ice and Kolohegirl at Rock Bottom, so I had to turn him down.  I didn’t get to him today either, and the way Sunday is going as of 2:11 am, I probably won’t get to him still.  I need to hook up with him.  It is funny, I have to network all day at work to keep good relationships with those that can help me, and I have to do the same on the home front.  I just don’t seem to do it on the home front. 

I was watching the West Wing earlier, and they were talking about how NASA was pushing for a manned space mission to Mars.  Not only on the show, but in reality, I’ve read several times over that it is very feasible, it’s just a matter of deciding to do it.  That would be one of those things I’d love to be alive to see.  I suppose it all goes back to my fear.  I just don’t want to miss out on all these things. 

I got a phone call today from Match girl #1.  She was the original match date.  This is not the same as match girl #2, as she was nicknamed desperatechick.  It was just unexpected, because, well, we made plans for Superbowl Sunday, and it was all ready to go.  Then, she never called nor showed up.  So, I didn’t bother.  Well then, Assclown, aka, my brother, sent me a text message telling me to get my own music, because he wouldn’t download a few songs for me for Aura.  Well, while I was in there (I never check my text messages), it was about a week and a half since the Superbowl, I saw a message from matchgirl #1 from Superbowl Sunday.  It was basically telling me that something important came up and an apology.  Well, I decided to call her anyway, even though it had been awhile.  Well, she was asleep.  Which, I’ve seemed to have a habit of calling her while she’s asleep.  And I’m calling at about noon on somedays, then at like 7:30 pm on others.  I must just have bad timing.  Well, she called me last night.  At about 7:30 pm, and I was the one sleeping this time, and I didn’t even hear the phone.  Because Batlover was over on Friday, and was up until 6 am watching TV, hence, I didn’t sleep any better.  I don’t seem to sleep well when she stays over.

I wanted to finish this before my computer decided to shut off, but I was too late.  So, I’m here to finish up.  I watched Fear Factor, it was a couples episode.  I was disturbed at how the guys were so disrespectful of their ladies.  It just drove me nuts.  Anyway, I’m folding laundry now, and I’m going to force myself to go to sleep.  My sleep schedule gets really messed up on the weekends.

Best wishes to all, and to all a good night…

Tonight, I'm going to get this done early.  I really want to get some sleep.  But I'm going to watch CSI in HDTV.  I haven't made as much of use of that HDTV as I should have.  If I'm going to dish out the money, I should probably use it.  I watched the Mole, and could not believe the results.  Dennis Rodman won $222,000, and Angie Everheart was the mole.  Every season I am surprised.  I started watching the O.C., and then realized that I really wanted to get my post in tonight.  I am now about a week and a half behind on my TiVo.  Okay, enough talk about that...

Thin_Ice thinks I have issues.  But what you need to learn is that we all have issues, and this is the place for me to vent mine.  And I am just patiently waiting for her to come along.  Don't get me wrong, if I don't get some soon, I'm going to explode, but that doesn't mean that I will just take anything that comes across my line of sight.  Besides, I’ve turned down several in the last few weeks.  That will make the right one, oh so much better.  Oh, and you really want something to talk about?  I had Subway for dinner again tonight.  That would make four nights in a row.  It’s not my fault the damn thing is right behind my place.  And they hook me up on occasion, so, it’s worth it.

Oh, and JB, remember that how you told me I told me it is okay to think about somebody specific?  I know Dr. B said to as well, and, I've now done it twice.  The second time was a few weeks ago, but I wanted to let you know that I did.  It really adds, well, a spice and excitement to the whole experience.  And I'm sorry that your PC doesn't play audio.  I really will come by and take a look at it.  I know it has been looked at before, probably once by Mr. Thin_Ice himself, as well as another Xangan for whom which I don't have a screenname, but we'll get it fixed.  If it is a hardware issue, I'll have to find another connection.  Any thoughts Kolohegirl on who that connection may be?  And, if all else fails, I'll bring you my CD player. 

I didn’t hear from Dr. B today, nor from You’reTooWhiteForMe.  I was really busy today, just sucking up to those that I needed to at work.  I got props from plenty of people on some stuff I did, so I should be back on track here soon.  I really like those people in my life that even if you don’t talk to them everyday, when you do talk to them, they appreciate you just as much.  Like Dr. B.  I know she won’t be upset if I didn’t talk to her for several days.  We both know we are friends, and that we both have our lives.  Same with SakiWan, and even my good friend from high school (I need a nickname for her, KLM will work).  She, KLM, got married and moved to Colorado.  I don’t talk to her very often, but when I do, we both enjoy it, and there are no hard feelings.  But that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss talking to those that I care for.  Because I do, and I just wish there was more time in the day.  If necessary however, I will always make time for someone I care about…

Okay, I had to take a break to watch CSI.  I didn’t realize how fast time flies.  So much for getting to bed early.  I can’t seem to make it happen.  Oh, and the two times mentioned in the third paragraph, is now three.  I guess I just got it in my head, and couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I hope I can eventually get past all the drama that I feel I have in my life.  I’d like to get on this thing and talk about other thoughts.  What those thoughts would be I’m not sure.  Probably because I don’t spend enough time thinking about those other things in life.  I don’t know, perhaps childhood stories.  Like when I used to tell my brother I was going to race him to sleep.  We had bunk beds.  We would both be lying in bed, but I wanted to just feel alone.  Just to think.  And for some stupid reason, I didn’t believe I could think knowing he was awake below me.  So, I would tell him that I’m racing him to sleep.  And every so often, I’d whisper “I’m winning.”  What a moron, but the stupid thing is, it seemed to work, and the next morning, I’d always tell him that I beat him so I could do it again the next night.  He would fall asleep faster, so that way I could lie awake in bed just thinking whatever it is a 10 year old thinks.

You know, if I do this enough, my fear of dying might not be so bad.  Because I will feel that I have left a lasting impression.  I guess I just didn’t want to die, knowing that I won’t be remembered.  Having all these bundled up thoughts that I haven’t shared with anyone.  And not having done something that will stand out.  I mean, yeah, Hollywood producers will be remembered forever for their movies, but what will I have?  Through this, I can express myself.  I can say what it is that I’m thinking, and not feel that I have left it all bottled up inside for nobody to hear.  Thanks to those that take an interest enough to read.  I appreciate it.  Even if I never know you have read this.  Because I can feel it in my heart, and that is all that matters.  Sweet Dreams...

You know, I really tried today.  I got up, decided to get myself some nice healthy Jamba Juice.  But no, the cute chick at the counter decided to screw up my Razzmatazz.  I mean how hard is it to blend strawberries, bananas, orange sherbet, raspberry juice and some ice? 

Then, some project manager decided to bitch because I didn't finish a task for her.  She didn't give me a timeframe, and I figured making sure the system that pays our claims is working correctly was a little more important than combining two documents into one.  Oh well, I learned.  I really like that project manager too.  She's from Texas, that should've been my first clue. 

But the day got better.  I'm not really sure how, but just talking to JB through e-mail kind of helps.  I know I get to come home and vent all my stuff onto this thing, but, it helps during the day to keep my mind going as well.  March 27th is coming soon.  Too soon if you ask me.  It hurts because I want it to be here.  “If you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave.  Your presence still lingers here, and it won’t leave me alone.  These wounds won’t seem to heal; this pain is just too real.  There is just too much that time cannot erase.”  Sometimes Aura says more than I ever could.  But will it really end any pain?  Or will the pain just increase for awhile afterwards then slowly decrease?  I'm not sure that it will ever go away, just lie dormant.  Then, I feel bad for wanting it to come quickly.  And that I should take advantage of every moment I have while I have it.  I suppose that is why I don't care when Terrianna gives me a look while I'm there.  It's only for another month that she has to deal with me distracting her staff.  I don’t want you to think that there is only pain.  Because there isn’t.  There is more positive than you can ever imagine.  I just vocalize the pain here.  I need to get some leftovers.  Then I get the chicks.  Right?

I went to lunch with Dr. B.  She was gone forever.  Okay, 2 weeks.  But, it turns out, it only felt like forever to me.  She didn't miss me.    I'm kidding, I'm sure she did to some extent.  She's a doctor of all things, but she really needs to be helping out our You'reTooWhiteForMe friend.  That's not the best nickname, but that's the first thing that comes to mind.  I was asked out on a date by her.  I was stunned.  But honestly, I think it is an act of desperation.  I can't imagine that she really has an interest in me.  Because, like you said Dr. B, I'm too white for her!   But she seemed pretty pissed when I turned her down.  I mean, I thought at first that she was trying to take advantage of me.  You know, free food, nice time.  And although I'm all for treating someone to dinner, she was the first person that I felt didn't appreciate it.  It was sad.  Maybe someday when I feel up to it, I'll take her out.  But not now.

While Dr. B was gone, I took Cookie to lunch several times.  It was nice.  We are both past everything, and we seem to be good friends.  I wasn't sure it would get to this point, so, I'm kind of proud of myself for not giving up.  I wore my Las Vegas shirt today, she got it for me one time.  And she didn't even notice.  Well, maybe she did, but she didn't comment.  Somebody else did though...maybe somebody that did notice I was a hottie while at Corp II yesterday, but couldn't admit it??  A guy can dream...

SakiWan disappeared again.  Life in Italy must be more exciting than I know.  I'll check it out someday.  And for the record, the times that I spent with her in Cali, have been the best times of my life.  Honestly.  I know she hears me tell her that, but maybe putting it on here will help her know I'm serious.  She's just a great, fun girl, and I miss her so. 

I've had Subway for dinner three nights in a row.  So now Thin_Ice can move off Pizza and move onto Subway.  I won’t even bother commenting on the rest of your statements.  You are just jealous because I got HDTV before you did.  And I have TiVo.

Batlover is in class tonight.  I’m not sure why she bothers going.  I don’t think she knows why she bothers going.

So, Kolohegirl, when are we going out?  I’d settle for lunch if you want.  You drive .  You’ll have to provide me with your home e-mail address sometime.  Then I can harass you about HTML, laptops, blackberry’s and other cool geek toys on your personal time as well.

And Jack killed Nina on 24.  That was pretty sweet.  Hope I didn't ruin it for anybody.  I gave you whole 24 hours to watch the episode before I posted it, so you had plenty of time.

Nighty Night...

I’ve been questioning myself lately.  I’ve been trying to figure out who I am.  Maybe I shouldn’t think about whom I am and just be me.  I guess I just don’t want to portray myself as something I’m not.  I used to think of myself as a great guy, but I’ve been humbled recently.  I don’t like to think that I have an ego, but it just seemed like there was so many guys out there that just weren’t treating their significant others like, well, like they were significant.  I’ve since realized that nice guys are all over, and they are taking anyone that I may have interest in.  If I don’t hurry, they may all be gone.  Or is the one I’m looking for, still out there, looking for me?  Or has she already found me, and I’m just too stupid to know it?  Or has she found me, but I was one promise too late?  Here I go worrying again.  Okay, no more worries.   I was thinking about what it is that I do to make somebody feel special.  And I need to define who I am first.  I like to think that what makes me happy is to make others happy.  I still believe that is true, but I need to determine to what lengths I would go.  Would I lead somebody on and make them happy even if I’m not in love with them?  Have I not done that already?  And to what extent would I make myself miserable to make somebody happy?  Have I not already done that too?  And if I have done both of those things, can I dare still define myself as a good guy?

Well as Batlover would say, I looked hot today, and my game was on.  And I don’t know that it made a difference to anybody.  I got lucky and had an excuse to go to Corp II.  I kinda wish I didn’t have one.  I guess I just wanted to feel like I had something special.  And I was looking for confirmation in places that I shouldn’t look.  I’m still working on that I guess.

I talked to my brother’s girlfriend online today.  Talk about a hottie.  I mean damn.  Lucky bastard.  She is really a great person.  She is really beautiful, she's into movies, and she's got the best personality.  I need somebody just like her, but in Arizona.  Heck, she can be anywhere and I'll go there, if I knew she was there.  He best appreciate what it is that he has, because there is no feeling worse than knowing that you had something exceptionally great, and realizing you don't have it anymore.  Doodlebear.  And he had the balls to make fun of me being Uhbuhbabe.  I gave her (and my brother) the link to my page here.  Like I told them, I hope to have a separate domain for this page soon.  I hope I don’t regret giving them the link.  Talk about a huge step forward with family relations.  That’s my biggest one yet.  Isn’t that sad?

Configuration of the surround sound is complete.  The TV, Receiver, TiVo, HDTV, DVD, VCR, and MiniDisc player are now in working order.  So, instead of a week, it took me a few hours.  I really need to go to bed now.  Just thought I'd give the update. 

SakiWan, let me know when you are ready, and I'll pop in Titanic.

I had Hungry Howie's Pizza tonight for dinner.  About a week ago I had Ray's Pizza.  It's amazing how women can get me to do things I would never think I would do.  Something about those pizza places just turned me off.  I know that's not a big step, but damn,  I really love pizza, but those places just sounded so disgusting.  That's just pizza and they are just friends.  It's not like I was in love and ready to move to Texas or anything.  For that would be ridiculous, right?

Well, I'm off to bed...good night...