“Even though I know, I don’t want to know.  Yeah, I guess I know, I just hate how it sounds…”

 

Aura.  Life.  That is Aura.  It is the sweet, the sour, and everything in the middle.  I planned it all out.  It went exactly as I thought it would.  Not that it would be some magical thing, but I just realistically thought about how it would be.  And that’s how it was.  Problem: I thought so hard about how it would be, I didn’t think about what it would be like once she was gone.  It was harder than I could ever imagine it would be.  I was grateful to have my friends, but I really just needed to be alone.  And I was.  Listening to Aura, and just collecting my thoughts.  I eventually pulled through it enough to go out and try and enjoy myself.  And I was able to meet Corrina Corrina.  And due to a completely unexpected kiss, even that never happened.  Not that I would have ever been successful in talking to her again anyway, it was just that even that chance disappeared when one was laid on me by an anonymous Hawaiian (at heart) hot tamale of a girl that also works in an IT department.  Poor thing, she was drunk.  Otherwise she wouldn’t have done it, right?  She was adorable though.  Dancing on the box, even sometimes by herself.  She has it in her to be who she wants to be, she just doesn’t let it out. 

 

Going back to JB, I was just really upset, as I would have done anything.  I mean, I really loved JenJen, but I really would have done anything.  I don’t know that it matters now, well, I guess it does, because it matters to me.  Regardless of what can or can’t be, I feel a certain way.  I’ve thought several times that she’ll never know how I feel.  But through Aura, and through reading my thoughts, it can’t get any closer than this.  My fear is that it isn’t reciprocated.  That she thinks I’m psychotic, which I may be, but everybody is to some extent.  I’m worried that she cared about me simply because I cared for her.  I have to force myself to remember that she couldn’t care for me.  Regardless of how she wanted to be.  I’m happy we had what we had, and that we had nothing else.  Sometimes what we had was too much, and there will probably always be some guilt in that regard.  An emotional relationship with somebody can be far worse than having a physical relationship.  I mean, she saved me.  She saved me from settling, I was happy, but I wasn’t in love.  She showed me that there are people out there that you can be happy with, and be in love with.  It was just too bad we couldn’t have more of that.  At one point, I was lucky enough to hear her say that she loved me, it’s just that she loves him too, and he was there first, and I was one promise too late.  I just needed to hear that she cared, and I couldn’t hear that.  That hurt.  Some of these Aura songs are brutal, and Batlover would tell me not to listen, but what she doesn’t understand is that is why I listen.  They are exactly what I need.  Above all else, Aura will be there.  And if I was a religious person, I would be saying above all else, God is with me.  But I warn you, Batlover’s subtle comments, and stories, and other things I read, remind me to open my heart and my mind, and never say never.  Even the post from AprilLynn (I’ll mention her more later) keeps my mind open to the unknown.  Her post on Friday, March 19^th, 2004 touched me in a way that I haven’t felt in awhile.

 

Paula Cole is singing “Feelin’ Love.”  The song is just a little awkward to hear right now.  I love the song, as it is part of Aura, oh, and for those that are confused, Aura, used in different contexts means different things.  Aura is also the CD that I have.  Currently about 112 songs (MP3 encoded CD-R).  Anyway, the song is just a little too sexually charged for how I feel right now.  Aura originated with the title Internet Music, but, through life, I have added songs to it.  Songs that mean something to me, and remind me of a specific time or individual.  I told JB about it, and she had something similar which she called “mood music”.  We combined the two, and created “Aura”. 

 

I read a comment on Thin_Ice’s site, and it led me to AprilLynn.  All I had to do was read a few words to fall for the thoughts and ideas that she had.  I mean, I haven’t really looked outside of my site, and the sites of Kolohegirl and Thin_Ice.  I know TDM has one, but I haven’t gone looking.  Well, AprilLynn really pours out her thoughts.  I just loved that.  The way she phrased things showed that she was educated, which I also liked.  Reading her first post explains her writing ability, as she was an English major with a minor in Journalism.  And she loves to write.  She writes of her dreams, her day, and some of those deep meaningful thoughts that one has that they don’t normally share.  She had a great sense of humor, and it was just great to read.  And as if that isn’t enough, she is from Wisconsin.  I guess it all goes back to being in love with the idea of being in love.   It may be whack, but, I’m going to read every post of hers.  Starting with Monday, March 26^th 2001.  Convenient that I stumble across it exactly 3 years later.  It will be interesting to know somebody for who they really are.  Well, probably the closest you can get to somebody without meeting them.  Xanga authors can be very intimate in their thoughts.  I think I am, and I was pleased to see that she was as well.  I think it is just great to read something that says, “hey, I’m here, I’m what you are looking for, I may be a thousand miles away, and I may not be everything that you want, but I may just be…” It keeps that hope and dream alive.  Patience.  What you are looking for exists out there, you just need to be patient, and you will find her…

 

JB, I miss you, with all my heart.  Words, music, nothing, will ever accurately do justice to show how I feel.  I will love again, but I will never give up that small ray of hope, that I will someday be able to cuddle on the couch, in candlelight, drinking our 2000 merlot with you, my sweet love…

“I just want you to know who I am…”

 

Dear diary, today Dr. B talked to me about her 9 year old boy's cute little butt.

 

It of course started with her 15 year old daughter’s butt, but even that was kind of disturbing for me.  Yes, even though Batlover thinks I’m a child molester and that I might be into that sort of thing.  I’m kidding, as she knows I’m not.  But hey, 3 more years and she’s fair game! (Or not…)

 

Another day, another dollar.  It was another very busy day at work.  Lisa told me that I sounded much perkier today than I have been lately.  I told her it’s just because I’m so busy at work, I haven’t had time to think about her.  Sheila made me laugh today.  She said, you know, I just realized both your initials are JB.  She said, it’s not much of a change so she should just do it.  I laughed, then she said she doesn’t want to realize it 17 years later like Sheila did.  We’ll see if Sheila has what it takes to say that to her directly.  I know she won’t, but she made me laugh.  It took Sheila 17 years to realize that she wanted to leave her husband and now she couldn’t be happier.  Her and her husband are the happiest couple I’ve ever seen.  Ever.  I’m not the only one that thinks that either… 17 years, what would I say then?  The merlot would be awfully expensive then.  What is the average cost for a bottle of wine 20 years old?  Since it’s a 2000 bottle now, nah, doesn’t really matter.  Maybe someday if I’m bored I’ll look.

 

I hope I didn’t upset Jim too much tonight.  I’ve been tasked with helping him with some of his processes for T-NEX.  I just don’t know what we can do in such a short period of time.  I may have been kinda blunt with him, but we have that kind of relationship.  I’m just used to working with Cookie, where we argued over shit, but it got done, and it kicked ass.  Her and I made more progress in that place than most people could.  We were a great team. 

 

Work is just stressing me out so much.  Because I’m so young in relation to a lot of the people that I work with, I’m not experienced in handling so much work, with so little timeframes, and under so much pressure.  A lot of the other people there have been through stuff like this before.  I’m working with Terry, who was the top IT guy for a global company.  His main office was in Scottsdale, but he worked in Hong Kong and all over Europe.  Other coworkers have worked for Enron, and several worked for WorldCom.  They’ve been through it all.  I feel like some young kid who is stepping up into the major leagues. 

 

Just being there is enough for me, even if she’s not there.  Just like Evanescence said: “your presence still lingers here, and it won’t leave me alone…”  It’s not too bad though.  But I need to try and buy more pretzels, because I really did pretty much finish off the bag.

 

I never did talk about my “date” from last Saturday.  What’s funny, is when I first went out with You’reTooWhiteForMe, she wanted to make sure it was clarified that her and I were going out as friends.  Which was not a problem for me, as I didn’t have an interest.  Actually, the only reason I had even the smallest interest is because Dr. B stated it would never happen.  So, it seemed like a mission for me.  Well, I guess I have succeeded.  At least, I think.  Dr. B doesn’t think so quite yet.  Well, a few weeks ago she started e-mailing me again stating that we should go out again.  And to be honest, I didn’t want to go, because I didn’t want to drive, and I couldn’t justify spending that much money on her anymore.  I’d bought several dinners, and the cost for Premium gas was just too much (it takes me an hour to get to her place).  Well, again, she kept asking.  She finally stated that she would drive to my place.  So, I said, okay.  Her daughter was out of town on spring break, and it would be a chance for just the two of us to get out.  I was looking forward to the evening.  I knew we were going to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, and we were going to see a movie.  Well, she got there at about 5.  I spent a few minutes looking up the movie times.  And she told me my couch was too small.  I joked with her asking if I was in her personal bubble, and she said yes.  Was she joking?  I don’t know.  Oh, and before that, when she showed up, I went to give her a hug, and I got one of those high school, get the hell away from me 12 inches has to be between us hugs.  So, I was like, okay, she doesn’t like the physical contact.  I had hugged her before, but I’m not sure I remember it being that prissy.  So, we headed out to Cheesecake Factory.  We were seated pretty quick as I was able to call ahead through the concierge service where I live (it’s really cool).  Anyway, we ordered our food.  And I was a little disappointed in the conversation, because all she seemed to talk about was the gossip at work.  And I’m just not much for that.  But every time I tried to change the subject, she didn’t talk much, so the only way to keep her talking was about the gossip.  So, I did.  She tries to get stuff out of me about crochet girl (JB), but I never give her anything.  Well, I was worried because she didn’t eat much, but I didn’t think too much of it.  She stated she liked the place, so, I was okay with everything.  I had told her several times before that she needed to try the cheesecake, because it is absolutely delicious.  So, we got a dessert menu, but after she finished looking at it, she never gave it to me.  The waitress came and asked what we wanted, and she ordered the strawberry shortcake.  That was that.  The waitress never gave me a glance, and I hadn’t seen the menu.  So, I was like, okay then.  The dessert came, and she promptly pulled it toward her and started enjoying every bite.  I sat there, continuing the conversation about gossip at work, and about 2/3 of the way through the dessert, she offered me some.  Well, then the check came.  I of course paid for it, because I kind of expected to.  I just expected that if I was going to pay for things, that I’d have a good time.  Apparently that wasn’t the case.  After dinner, we walked around and went into Barnes and Noble.  We looked at books for awhile, and I again attempted conversation about, I don’t know, anything deeper than drama at work, but to no avail.  So, we headed back to my house to put the leftovers in the fridge.  And after giving me a hard time about wanting to get to the movie early to get good seats, we left.  Well, if you know me, you know I love movies.  A guy with several hundred DVD movies, and several hundred more VHS movies would be.  I told her that paying $8 a ticket just justifies to me making sure I enjoy the experience.  And that experience included sitting in the middle, but at the bar so I could put my feet up.  She laughed at me again, and made fun of me for being that into it.  She also teased me again for being in a hurry to get into the theater.  She has no idea, try asking Cookie what I’m like.  Anyway, she agreed that this time she will make the exception so I can sit where I want to sit.  I was like, gee, thanks.  We get into the theater, and what does she say?  We’re not sitting there, we are sitting up here.  I was in my head thinking: “listen, bitch, I just spent $50 on dinner, again, and spent another $20 on tickets.  I know you are going to want popcorn and a drink, the least you could fucking do is let me sit where the fuck I want to sit.”  Of course I moved, I gave her a little push back and said, so then why did you tell me that earlier, but it didn’t really matter.  At that point I was thinking I wished I was Batlover, so I could really tell her how I feel.  I watched the movie, after getting popcorn and sodas of course.  The movie was good, the company was horrible.  I played out the rest of the night as best I could.  I was a gentleman, made generic conversation about the movie, held the doors, etc.  I got home and promptly walked her out to her car.  I didn’t give her a hug, as I figured she had to think I was a jerk.  We said our goodnights, and that was that.  Well, on Monday, I tell Dr. B, make sure you tell me what she says, as I had a horrible time, and a part of me feels bad that I was probably rude to her.  I got frustrated with her, so I imagined I turned into a dick.  Well, I get the e-mail from Dr. B.  And what did it say?  “I didn’t kiss him…”…”the movie was great…”…”I had a great night…”  I was like what the hell???  How could she have a great night when I was so miserable?  She never offered to pay for a damn thing, she asked me out on the date in the first place, and she was disrespectful.  I couldn’t believe it.  Again, I had no problem paying, I just wanted to have a good night.  And I didn’t even have that.  But I saw Angelina Jolie’s tits.  That was probably the highlight of the evening.

 

Lisa went hiking with TDM earlier.  It’s nice that they do that together.  But Lisa says that when she hikes it is her time to think, so she likes to be alone.  We just got back from Macayo’s.  That’s the only place I will go to drink.  We talked to Ryan tonight, he was the one who was supposed to be the waiter the first night I met Lauren with Jen.  Oh, and she wasn’t there, but that didn’t stop us from chatting with Rob.  We called him the good Rob.  He said love was all that mattered.  No problem with age for him either.  I’m drunk.  Yup, so, I’ll spare you all about talking about my undying love for JB, or how I miss what I had with JenJen, or how I miss KLM, Shaz, or how I don’t appreciate Dr. B.  In the words of Maria, DRAMA.  Have a good night all, you all are the best…

“If I could do one thing…”

 

The guy at Pizza Hut even told me I’m losing weight.  What’s up with that?  He sees me there all the time, how the hell could I be losing weight?  Maybe he just wanted a bigger tip, like all the waitresses do that flirt with me.  I was there today with Dr. B.  So far, Batlover is the only one that has the stance on Lauren being too young.  But it doesn’t really matter.  Well, it must if I don’t shut up about it.  It’s not necessarily her, it’s a premise sort of thing.

 

I got all dressed up today, well, not really, but I wanted to look really nice.  But guess who had to end up staying home today?  I guess the movers came early or something, not really sure.  It happens, I was just a little disappointed. I should have figured when I spent so much time in my closet picking out my outfits for the rest of the week and the weekend.  So tomorrow I planned on wearing my Intervoice shirt.  Speaking of Intervoice, they are a pain.  We are so far behind with that IVR being rolled out, but we’ll come through okay.  It’s not their fault, it’s just with everything that needs to be done, it’s amazing we get anything done.  I know we were supposed to go to lunch today, so I wonder if we are going to try and do it tomorrow.  Although she was scheduled for tomorrow off, since she took today, she may be in tomorrow.  I also heard that she may be in late.  I guess I’ll figure it out.  It was nice just having the lunch yesterday.  I will plan on showing up on Friday for awhile too.  I will be there to give her a hug and see her off… 

I left Aura in her desk drawer.  The labels turned out really well, the colors were not exactly as planned, but they looked really good.  At least, that’s what I think.  I stole some of the pretzels today, so I may need to buy her another bag, even though I bought the last one.  You can never have too many pretzels on a road trip.

 

I don’t know, but I think the O.C. is just too romantic for me.  I mean, these stories are just too romantic, and when you just feel like you are missing romance in life, watching it on TV can be kind of depressing.  Don’t get me wrong, it is plenty entertaining, but DAMN, okay, yeah, I can’t watch this anymore…There was just way too much making out with hot chicks for me.  That was just torture.  So, what do I do?  Call Batlover.  I just came to meet her at the library, and Jay is on his way here.  We’ll probably grab some food and bring some back for her.  Either that, or we’ll just hang out together and never come back for her.  

 

Well, Jay and I went out.  We wandered over to Oregano’s for awhile, but with a 2 hour wait, and no room at the bar, we moved onto Paradise Bakery.  We sat there for awhile and chatted about his niece and stuff.  I got a lot of good info from him, and it still doesn’t look like he has a bad side yet.  He really does seem to be head over heels for her.  Actually, he doesn’t.  He seems as though he truly, genuinely 100% cares for her.  And being near her is all he needs.  So, is that head over heels?  It sounds like love to me…

 

Well, after getting back from dinner with Jay, Batlover still managed to give me some crap about Lauren.  Only this time, I’m edging her on…  I don’t know what it is, but I love bantering with her.  Because I know that above all, she still cares, and it is unconditional what we have for each other.  I know Jay sees the same thing, which is most certainly why he likes her so much.  It takes a certain guy to really appreciate what she has to offer, and so far Jay most certainly has it.

 

I had a bad dream last night.  I got scared and woke up and it was still pretty early in the morning.  There was a brief moment when I woke up where I felt very alone, and just wished I had somebody there to say it was okay.  But I didn’t have that.  But I heard Tigger snoring away, and that was all I needed.  Sometimes just knowing he is near can be a help.  I guess that’s why JenJen got him for me.  Well, in that case, he is serving his purpose.  The dream was of somebody drawing blood from me, only thing is, I know that air bubbles in the vein will kill you.  That really scares me.  It just seems like it would be so easy to make that mistake.  And it really worries me.  I don’t dare ever mention it to Cookie, because she is really scared of needles, and that would not help her phobia.  Well, I remember crying tears of fear, I was just so scared in the dream, that I was making a big scene.  I remember the nurse.  She was wearing these blue or perhaps teal scrubs.  It was the veterinary assistant at Banfield.  I remember her clearly because she had the most beautiful eyes.  She has shoulder length dark hair, but just the most amazing eyes.  I’m sure they are contacts, but that doesn’t stop me from being mesmerized.  Anyway, she was there to comfort me and make me feel better, but then I woke up, and I just felt so alone…

 

I’m not sure what got me thinking about it.  Actually, I do.  I was driving home from work, and I was passing a police car.  I was thinking, if he pulled me over I’d say, “you should be looking for our resident”.  Then I realized why I thought that.  When I was in Wisconsin, I was pulled over for speeding.  To start the story from the beginning, I was in Wisconsin for the summer.  My sister owned adult care facilities there, specializing in Alzheimer’s.  One of the residents there was named Elizabeth, otherwise known as Liz or Lizzie.  It was ironic that the day before, my sister and I were out on the patio with her.  Just talking, well, everything Lizzie said made no sense.  It was like: “Well, I purple the store then stevling da arklington, mut okgling in qurkked.”  Yeah, pretty much gobbledygook.  But anyway, we attempted to chat.  It was mostly my sister actually that sat with her.  Well, the next day my sister headed off to Green Bay for a Packer game.  I was working in Poynette, as we had locations in both Poynette and Deforest.  They are about 15 minutes away from each other.  I was in Poynette, chatting with a coworker, and it was funny, but we couldn’t remember Lizzie’s name (Because Lizzie was a resident in Deforest, and we were in Poynette).  It was odd, but then we got a call from my sister.  She said Lizzie was missing.  Well, it first answered our question of her name, because we were trying to think of it at that exact moment, but then we had to switch gears and worry about what had happened.  I guess the two employees that were working there were struggling with one of the other residents there.  He was a wicked old man in a wheel chair that would call you every name he could think of.  They were helping him, and she must have wandered on out the door.  There are buzzers on all the doors, but when you are in the bathroom with the fan on, fighting with a resident, you won’t hear the door.  So, she was out for about 15 minutes before they noticed.  So, out the door I ran, looking down the corn fields as I drove toward Deforest.  Because Lizzie is a wanderer, there is no clue on where she would go.  All you can do is think, if I had Alzheimer’s, where would I go?  I made my way to the other building.  We searched all afternoon, we went to gas stations, went though every neighborhood.  We had flashlights but it didn’t matter.  And Deforest is not even that big.  We are talking maybe 3 miles from one end to the other.  Eventually it was getting late.  Then the clouds came in, and up started the wind.  I was on my way between the two buildings again.  I hurried for shelter, because the storm was on us in no time.  The wind was so strong, you couldn’t help but feel defeated.  Later we found out that it was a tornado that had come through, which explained why it was so quiet and just suddenly upon us.  It was just a beautiful day up to that point.  Well, after the storm cleared (only about an hour or so later) I headed back to Deforest.  Of course, on the way there, I was pulled over for speeding.  Being young, and not thinking, the first thing I did when I was pulled over was reach in the backseat for the registration and all that jazz.  Of course, not thinking that it looked suspicious.  So, again, although it was all hindsight after the events, I realized that that is why the police were so wary of me.  They asked to search the car, and even sniffed the grass in the trunk.  There isn’t much to do in WI but drink beer and drugs can be an issue, and it didn’t help that I had a lawnmower in the car earlier.  I told them they looked kind of stupid, and told them why I was in a hurry.  One officer was a complete jerk, but the other was very respectful.  I complied with everything they wanted, and I took my ticket and went on my way.  The one officer did state that he hoped we found our resident.  The next day, we went out searching again.  Bright and early, and we had the local police assisting.  We went door to door, but about an hour or two into it, an officer told me to get in the car, as the search was over.  About 100 yards from the building, there were railroad tracks.  I guess Lizzie decided to walk along the railroad tracks out of the town.  Of course, she got only a few hundred more yards and had probably collapsed.  Either from the heat, not having her medicine, or perhaps a combination of things.  She was near a tree.  And that’s about all I know.  It was a tough night, and my sister stated that she was very happy to know that although she wasn’t there, she was happy to know that I was.  I felt like I had to have a strong image to portray in her absence.  I was young, but it didn’t matter.  Even then, I was respected by the employees.  I did my best to keep myself composed, and be the best I could be for all those around me.  But when I left for home that evening, it all came out.  The electricity was out.  All I had was candlelight, JenJen, and what was Aura at the time.  I listened to it, as it most certainly helped, but JenJen provided much needed support.  Anyway, when the officer was searching my car, as I was waiting, I made sure to tell them that they should be searching for our resident. Lizzie.  Which is why I had the thought in the first place…

 

Just reading over all I have just typed, takes the energy out of me, and brings a tear to my eye.  I saw the tracks, I had a brief thought to walk down them, but I didn’t.  I don’t know that it would have mattered.  But hindsight is always 20/20.  I miss the residents I got to know when I was there.  I learned a lot that summer, and although I missed JenJen with all my heart, I am glad I was there…

 

Oh, and as for the speeding ticket, my loving sister paid for it.  Thanks sweetie…

 

It’s sleepy time.  That’s what we used to say to Tonka when he was a puppy.  I think saying that only put me to sleep, and not him.  Have a goodnight, take care, and Godspeed…

“Your love is better than ice cream…”

 

Do more with less.  I don’t think that is just Microsoft’s slogan.  I think my company feels the same.  They want you to do everything, and you only have a week to do it. 

 

Well, the CDs are burned, and I’ll have them in your hands soon enough…I would appreciate something to let me know that you got there okay, it’s a long drive and you know how I worry.  Anything would be fine, just to put my mind at ease. 

 

There is a first time for everything, so this will be the first survey I’ve done like this:

 

first car: Lexus ES 300
first job: Dairy Queen
first screen name: JonJon8320
first pet:  Ruff- he was a Britney Spaniel
first piercing/tattoo: None yet…
first enemy: Jeff.  In fact, I’ve never met a Jeff I get along with…

first big trip: Probably to WI Dells, or to Universal Studios Florida
first play/musical/performance: I played cello, and was in plays in elementary school

first sport you played: Baseball
first musician you remember hearing in your house: Spyro Gyra
last good cry:  Too recent…

last kiss:  I’m with Kolohegirl on this one: my lips are sealed

last library book checked out: Some VB programming books

last movie seen: Taking Lives

last book read: Well, I still haven’t finished Dreamcatcher…

last cuss word uttered: I swear too often to remember.
last beverage drank: Pepsi, JB bought it for me.

last food eaten: Subway
last crush: Do I really need to answer this?  Is it not obvious who my love is?  Well, she knows who she is, and that’s all that matters.

last phone call: Lisa
last time showered: This morning
last shoes worn: Sketchers
last cd played: Aura

last downloaded:  A few songs for Aura

last IM: My brother’s Girlfriend…
last time hugged: My date from hell on Saturday
last time dancing: For real, a few weeks ago, but I got my groove on for a second or two at work today for Sheila…

 

I haven’t eaten dinner for two nights now.  I really need to make sure I do that.  The only meals I’ve had the past two days have been lunch, and they haven’t been very filling.  And what is up with just bringing bread to work and forgetting to put the meat on there?  That was hilarious.  I’m glad I got double meat so I was able to share…  Lunch was really nice today, it was a beautiful day and it just couldn’t get much better than that.  There was a pleasant breeze, and it was just perfect.  I look forward to tomorrow…

 

When I copied the survey above, I changed all my answers, and forgot to change the last crush, so it still read: ‘the guy at the gym’.  Good thing I noticed it and changed it!  LOL.  I’m whack.

 

I added a chatterbox on the site so you don’t have to log in to send me a message.  I’d love to get feedback, I think.  You know, I don’t care if I get feedback, because this place is for me.  But I would like to hear from those that are out there, because it makes me know there are those that care enough to read this crap. 

 

Oh, and since there are 3 JBs, it’s up to you all to try to figure out who I’m talking about.  Especially when a message in the chatterbox is from JB, how would you know which one?  Only problem with the chatterbox is the advertising, but we’ll see how it plays out…

 

Well, I’ll always wonder who your “contact” is that thinks I have somebody at work, because I can assure you they are wrong.  Except for the obvious that you already know about, there is nobody else.  It sucks that TDM isn’t going to play football with us on Saturday.  Did he think he couldn’t hold his own?   You best make sure your boys bring all their friends.  I’m looking forward to the game.  I wonder if Batlover is skipping her Vegas trip to be our cheerleader. 

 

I chatted a few more times with Christy today.  It was great, and I saw her again for a few minutes.  She is just too funny.  I’ll see if she wants to hang out with us on Friday…

 

Well, I’m going to cut this short tonight.  I have a few things to finish up, and I’d like to get to bed early for a change.  Sweetest of dreams to you…

“You used to captivate me by your resonating light, now I’m bound by the life you left behind…”

 

Since my computer sucks, I started creating a MS Word document.  I save it frequently, then eventually post it.  Problem is, now I have so much to type, I never finish the document, hence I never post it.  Well, not tonight.  So here’s where I am.  It’s been comprised of thoughts over the past week, but you get the gist... 

 

My Family…we just have a tradition.  If it starts at 5, be there at 6.  I got to dinner, and while I was sitting by myself at a table for 14, they decided to add another person.  It would have been different if I wasn’t there alone, but I looked like a schmuck telling the waitress that there was going to be more.  Speaking of waitresses, tonight was Cari.  She was born in AZ.  And although I didn’t hear it, I was told she said that she had a daughter.  My family was trying to set me up with her.  She was only 21, but she was cute.  The check ended up costing me $200.  I’m like so done paying for stuff.  Ugh. 

 

Kelly was there too.  She’s a friend of the family, but I’d love to talk to her more often, as I can really relate with her.  She works at the same place as Batlover, so maybe they'll meet each other.  We'll all have to hang out someday.

 

I had a great time playing volleyball.  I was impressed with myself.  I think I did fine on the ones I was expected to hit, and for those that I had to dive for, I saved a good chunk of them.  So, in short, I want to go do it again sometime.  Maybe without the girls though, as I think they got bored with us guys.  I couldn't really blame them...

 

Work was okay last week.  I got smart, and took the sweet laptop to HCS and hid over in a cube in their department for awhile.  It kept me away from my phone, and away from those that might find me and ask me questions.  Notice that I said sweet laptop.  Because I’m indebted to Kolohegirl for hooking me up.  Hey, and it even is kinda legit, I got a signature.  And when my boss signed it she told me possession is 9/10 the law.  And I even go onto a wireless network at the restaurant while waiting for the family.  So I got to read up on the latest DVD news and other junk.  It was pretty sweet.

 

I was asked if I had an image of what it is that I’m looking for in “the one”.  And although I thought I did, it was interesting to me in how it was very closely mirrored to JenJen.  I was also asked if I would vary from that path.  And although I’m not sure if they would be “the one”, I would like to think that I would.  I mean, you never know who it may be…maybe my image is wrong?  We are not talking about just looks…it is the whole package that I was thinking.  Was this image simply derived off of what I’ve had?  Is that why it so closely resembles JenJen?  Or is it more, and that JenJen just happened to be the first that closely met what I’ve always wanted?

 

It’s unfortunate that I can’t talk about Cookie. I know she wouldn’t want me to do it.  I don’t want to downplay the role she had in my life, and sometimes I feel not talking about her does just that.  I’ve talked to her a few times in the last few days, as she is going through a rough time as well.  Although hers and mine differ in ways that I could never speak of with her.  Regardless, it’s nice just to talk to somebody that above all else cares for you.  Regardless of how things were in the past, regardless of what the future holds, we care for each other.  And that’s the part I love best…

 

Grandparents on the otherside are coming to visit the kids.  I guess they just up and drive across the country from Florida.  I’m not really sure what their deal is, but, like grandparents, they love to spoil the kids.  They sent plenty of money for Christmas.  With it we bought the karaoke machine.  With Norah, and plenty other Aura artists on there.  It was kinda fun to be the one to pick the CDs.  I made sure to get my Devil Went Down to Georgia on there.  That’s my personal favorite karaoke song.  It reminds me of the days back in Wisconsin.  My friend Joe had the tape of Charlie Daniel’s Band.  Joe lived on Main Street.  With him is when I first saw The Shining.  It has since been made into a mini-series, and I read the book.  Although I can do a mean (aka scary) version of Stay by Lisa Loeb, I think I best stay where I am…

 

Drinking.  I never do it.  Is it a sign that I’m boring?  Or is it a sign that I’m responsible?  It’s not like I never do it, it just seems like if I wasn’t the designated driver, nobody would be.  I have the number for the cab company in my cell phone, and I have used it before.  Well, only once actually…but I just haven’t needed to.  And cabs are expensive.  I remember in San Francisco when I was with SakiWan we totally got screwed on the fare, but I think both of us were too drunk to realize it.  Which is probably why the cab driver did it.  As of late though, I’ve drank more than I have in the last year.  TDM had to come pick up Lisa at my place, as there was no way I could drive her home.  I went out with Jay, Lisa and Batlover tonight.  Well, last night now, because the last sentence was written yesterday, and since, Batlover told me she never wants me to talk about Lauren with her again.  The age thing.  I’m not sure where I stand.  To me, it just depends on the individual.  And what is funny, is what I saw in her was her kindness, intelligence and just overall great personality.  Of course, as Batlover said, her gorgeous blond hair, beautiful eyes, stunning smile and perfect body had nothing to do with it.  Yeah, right.  Honestly, it didn’t hurt, but it honestly wasn’t what I noticed in her.  It was her sweetness, her innocence, just seemed like a good heart.  What the hell am I thinking? I don’t even know her!  I’m just in love with the idea of being in love, and I’m playing out some twisted fantasy that’ll never be.  But again, it keeps me thinking that she is out there.  Somewhere, maybe Macayo’s, maybe Texas, maybe somewhere else, but she is out there….

 

Batlover.  I’ve heard several times that I so want her.  And don’t get me wrong, she is great, but I don’t deserve her, and she knows that.  We aren’t meant for each other, and she knows that as well.  But, since we both seem to know so much about each other, we both know that we care about each other a lot.  I’d much rather her be with somebody that would make her happy…and who knows….maybe Jay is the one.  If he’s not, then there will be a line of women waiting. 

 

I have realized that my dream about Kolohegirl was while I was in NREM sleep.  I’m reading up on my psychology book.  I find it really captivating reading.  It can be better than crap TV…  I haven’t had any since then, but with all the innuendoes and jokes about Showtime, it surprises me it was a standalone dream.  I can’t believe she is going to Tacoma for three weeks.  That’s a long time.  Who am I going to not appreciate if she’s not here?  When I’m not reading my psych book, it’s Calvin and Hobbes.  So much for finishing Dreamcatcher.  I’ll finish it eventually…

 

It was pointed out that my family is suffering from many relationship break ups.  They have all been within the last year.  Is there more to it?  I’m not one that believes in fate and destiny.  I’m open to it, but I just don’t know.  Cookie stated that both her and I are on our 7^th cycle.  Is that why I’m messed up in the head?  Again, I’m just so emotionally and mentally drained lately…

 

Well, and I don’t know what Jim did, but our “beautiful mind” Corp Ops Mgmt Admin Assistant is moving on.  I think he scared her into quitting.  I don’t know that he shouldn’t have done it.  I think some props are in order.  When I questioned him about it, he said it was all Eric.  I don’t know though.  I know there was more to it, and when you put all the pieces together, it paints a mysterious picture, that simply confirms there is more to it than meets the eye.  It will probably be something I never get the answer to…

 

And although this should be at the top of the list, I got my present from JB.  She spent a lot of time and effort in it, and it looks great.  Now I just need to finish it off.  I have it on my kitchen table (don’t worry, I haven’t eaten off of it yet, actually, never have).  It’s there so I can see it everyday until I get it framed and above my door. 

 

Well, Thin_Ice is off the rotation.  I don’t know that he was ever on it, and I’m sure Batlover doesn’t tell me the whole story to spare my feelings, but either way…the ice broke.  Don’t worry though, she has a perfect fire fighter that can provide you the CPR if that would help.  I’m total game for hanging out sometime.  I enjoyed it last time, and would love to do it again…besides, I know you are busy with your new job.  It sounds pretty cool, and I admire all that you know.  Even if your customer service sucks at 6am.

 

It is still hard to watch the news.  With these explosions in Spain, and everywhere else over there, it just makes the world hard to watch.  It just makes you want to appreciate every moment we have.  I should be reading more books.  I am really impressed with Dr. B and how she can do that.  I would love to do that.  I suppose I could if I really tried, I guess I just have different priorities.  Maybe someday….even if I’m an old man, retired, and sitting in my rocking chair while my wife is sitting next to me crocheting a blanket.

 

I haven’t heard from Meta in forever.  Of course, it’s probably me that cut off the communication.  She’s married now, and probably very happy.  I’ll have to get information for all my old friends in Wisconsin so I may provide them with a copy of The Big Adventure.  I’d love to give one to Stephanie’s mom and sister as well.  I really miss Stephanie sometimes.  She was just somebody that was always there to talk with…

 

I was joking that we should make a CCC Calendar.  Like the “cute chicks of the CCC”  There is a Stephanie there that I find absolutely adorable.  I told her I’d create one and she said she wanted September.  As her birthday is September 26^th.  September will always be special for me.  Specifically the 27^th, not to say the 3^rd isn’t just as important, but even now, the 27^th passes every month, and I think of that special someone.  I know she thinks I’m whack for even bothering, as I know she doesn’t give it a fleeting thought, as it’s just another day, but I am who I am.  And I will always love her…

 

Oh, and my secret keeping friend, I found the gum.  Yeah, stuck to my $300 duvet.  I was only a little pissed, but it served me right.  Sometimes I am the monster that I imagine in other people.  And to think that I’m worried other people would end up with a monster, when, in actuality, I should be saving them from me.  It will never happen again.  I apologize, I hope you will forgive me for being how I am.  I don’t want you to think that you aren’t special, but I know what it is that I need, and it’s not what I have right now.

 

When I was talking to Cookie the other day she was able to tell me exactly what was in my fridge.  I mean, how could she know that?  We were just talking and joking around, but when she did it, it reminded me how she is often able to have these “abilities” which I would normally not believe as possible.  I know Dr. B states she has them as well, and used to have an even better grasp on them, but it will probably always be hard for me to comprehend.  I guess it is just a revolution of the mind.  One I haven’t had yet. 

 

Well, I spoke a bit in my previous post about Lauren, and I mentioned her above as well.  I went out with Jay, Batlover and Lisa and of course, Lauren was there.  To be honest with you, I have nothing more to say.  After talking with Batlover tonight, she made me feel, well, bad for lack of a better word, and I don’t even want to talk about it anymore.  And although I may never talk to Lauren again, and my proximity infatuation will come to an end, I will never give up on my frozen strawberry margaritas.  As they just make all the pain go away.  All the heartache, all the stress, just disappears for a few hours…

 

I still don’t feel I say enough thank you’s to Dr. B.  She’s just there when you need her, and she is nothing but sweet.  I feel bad that when we chat it feels rushed and is always too quick, but I enjoy every moment of it.  I remember way back when, in the early days of JB, how I could talk to her when there was nobody else to turn to.  In fact, it was even one night when I got done talking to JB on the phone that I talked to her.  She of course warned me that everything that has been, and continues to happen would be, but I know I chose to walk this path.  And regardless of how much it hurts, I would do it again.

 

I remember the time on Christmas break.  I brought StarBucks.  And although she was late to work that day, the few moments were all I needed.  I just feel special to have had what I had.  Yeah, Jim walked out and saw us, as did Eric and Rachel.  Actually every director and VP in that building did at one point or another, but it didn’t matter to me.  Although in the back of my mind was the thought of the image I’m portraying to those that I work for, it didn’t matter.  Because I would give it all up in a heartbeat to move to a place I would never have moved to a year ago.

 

Well, I never got into my evening with You’reTooWhiteForMe.  I’ll just have to get to that later.

 

SakiWan is coming back to San Francisco next week.  She wants me to come out there and visit her before she heads back to France.  She called and talked to me for a few hours on Saturday.  It was really nice.  It makes you realize how much you miss somebody when you get a few moments with them.  I mean, really, just try spending a few minutes with the clerks and see how much it kills you.  I don’t know what she thinks when she reads, but does it matter?  I feel how I feel.  Strongly.  One more week.  It is the shortest and longest time all at once.  The sweet and the sour baby.

 

Christy was at work all last week.  I ran into her in the hall several times.  She asked me for my last name so she could send me an e-mail. 

 

Here is what she wrote:  So I got this e-mail off the bathroom wall and it said for a good time to write you? I enjoy long walks on the beach and candle light dinners by a fire place. What do you like? I like a man that can take care of me and pay all bills are you that man? If you're interested e-mail me back. My personal e-mail also is XXXXXX@hotmail.com.

 

So, I replied tonight, better late than never.  And no, that’s not her real e-mail address.  Although I would probably bet somebody has that address.  I sent it to her account at work, as I wasn’t sure that I wanted to send one to her personal address.  I mean, she has a boyfriend.  What is it that she’s looking for, I mean, really?  She’s very funny and has great spirit.  Again, Batlover doesn’t like her, but it should figure that anybody I have the slightest interest in she wouldn’t like.  Maybe there is a pattern?  And it should be a sign to all of those out there that I don’t have anymore time for Christy than I do for anyone else, otherwise I would have responded that day.  Okay, I’m off to bed here soon.  Just some Aura stuff that I need to do on my computer.  And really quickly so it doesn’t shut off.  It’s like a game, I have to race the PC to finish before it does.  If only I was more appreciative of those that do things for me.  Thanks for the labels.  You are exceptionally kind.  Let me know what I can do to make it up to you…

 

It’s so late, I really need to go to bed now.

 

All my life, baby I’ve been dreaming of you, but you came along, one promise too late….Sweet Dreams, and I’ll be there tomorrow….

 

-Tulip-

“I’m in love, and always will be…”

 

Even if that means in love with the idea of being in love.  I’m listening to Aura now.  I should always write on here while listening to it.  It’s even more special when you are just out and about.  In the car, in the mall, in a restaurant and hear a song on Aura.  It just makes me smile.  I never realized how much I like Dido.  Queer Eye listens to it at work.  The same songs over and over.  Not just one day, all week.  He plays it really loud through his headphones and all of us can hear it.  I don’t mind, because I like her, but still….

 

Today I cleaned up the office.  It was a huge step.  I didn’t get up today until 1 in the afternoon, but I didn’t go to bed until 4am.  Last night I went to game night at Lisa’s.  I was at work until about 7.  I stopped in IS I and Kolohegirl was still working.  I decided to be nice and wait, that was at about 5:30.  Then, I ended up helping her and TDM work for another hour and a half.  Well, that and I sung the C is for Cookie song.  It was fun.  Oh, and I’m so good I can actually sing C is for Cookie to any song, even No Doubt.  Next time I walk into the Service Desk’s IS I, Aaron won’t be singing to me.  Or else…  At what point are we going to stop referring to them as IS I, IS II, III and so on?  I mean, the entire building is going to become IT anyway.  We are growing so fast….

 

Anyway, game night was pretty fun.  I won at this quarters and dice game.  No clue what it was called, and there is no skill involved.  But I did win at Twister.  I would have won the second time too, but TDM just told JenRed to give me a body shot and knock me over.  I didn’t know you could do that, otherwise the first game would have been a lot quicker.  I enjoyed spending time with all those there.  Jay is a really great guy.  Even for a womanizing firefighter.   Sometimes I just wish Batlover could only say the right things, but without the sour…you know the rest.  She really has the best of intentions, and maybe it is me that is in the wrong, or maybe, even more realistic, we both need to find a middle ground.  Sometimes I think it is just best to keep the mouth shut, and not let others know your opinions.  Regardless, she is Batlover, and I love her so…

 

Then there is Kolohegirl.  You can just count on her to be sweet.  She just says all the right things.  Well, JenRed does too sometimes, but JenRed and I are both indecisive, not a good thing.  Although Kolohegirl is still on that pedestal, I worry that I may do something wrong.  She is just such a good person.  I just need to learn to relax, enjoy myself, and stop worrying.  Macayo’s.  Frozen strawberry margaritas.  It worked for JenRed, maybe I should make a habit of it?  Don’t think so…but maybe on a rare occasion…  I love the conversations I have with her sometimes, sometimes I feel like I don’t even know her.  With the Showtime comments, I don’t even know who she is…  She takes care of her family, and she is just a great person.

 

Tonight I’m going out with Lisa and Tammy.  I thought Tammy was a lot of fun.  And no, not just because she has her tongue pierced.  I guess we are headed down to her place, somewhere south of here, Tempe or Mesa perhaps?  I don’t know what we’re going to do, but we’ll see how it goes…

 

I went to lunch today with my mom.  It is always nice to chat with her.  Her birthday is next week, on St. Patrick’s day.  My sister called, Jordan as some have gotten to know her by, regardless that that’s not her name, well, she wanted to get the family together to take my Mom to the Elephant Bar.  So we’ll be going there for her birthday.

 

I wonder what my mom would think if I ever had kids.  I mean, with the lack of my assistance with the other three, going off and having one of my own?  I mean, no, that’s not going to happen tomorrow or anything, but I wonder what she would think.  I often hear that I would be a good father, but I always wonder.  I have my pitfalls, but I think identifying them is a start, but you really need to rectify them to ensure they don’t become an issue.  It’s one thing to say it, it’s another thing to do it.  Well, the real Jordan, was supposed to be home at 6 pm.  I told her to make sure that she is there, but she thought my mom was in a movie and wouldn’t catch her.  I told her she needed to be sure she was home on time.  I suppose I kind of set her up by not telling her that my mom wasn’t in a movie.  But it really upset me when I got a call stating that she wasn’t there.  I’m not her father, but you sure as shit can believe me that I’m going to be on her ass.  I should have known.  I don’t yell at her often, in fact, I often get a lot of slack for being too nice to the kids.  But don’t get me wrong, when they fuck up, I’m on them as necessary.  I just think that they see enough negativity from everybody else.  I try to talk to them like human beings.  Granted, they are kids, but I just think I’ll get through to them more if I treat them with respect.  Then again, it’s all talk until I have kids of my own and can prove it.  Maybe some day I will be so lucky…

 

Sometimes I think about how much I miss KLM, as she’s in Colorado, but while I’m busy thinking about her, I don’t realize that I have friends right here in front of me that have the same interests and that I could do things with them. 

 

I guess my brother is still pissed at me.  I’ve never had him hold a grudge this long.  I’m not sure that I completely understand what the problem is.  I honestly think that only he knows, and that he is keeping it internally.

 

B Gifted.  When you see the stores pop up, be sure to go there.  I was in his life at the time of creative inspiration, so I feel like a part of it.  It’s too bad things didn’t work out with Cookie, because Bobo was a lot of fun.  I know that I can always call him and we can hang out, but it’ll never be the same.  That was the time when things just fell apart, Bobo, Donna, me, Cookie.  Alfa got a dog, who would have thought of that?  He is the cutest little Chihuahua.  Merlin is his name.  It makes me think of how much I miss Tonka.  I was thinking about when we took him to puppy school, and we made that PowerPoint slideshow with the pictures of the dogs playing.  We even had the “Who Let the Dogs Out” song playing with the slides.  It was adorable. 

 

And Thin_Ice is on just that with Batlover.  She’s quirky though, so I wouldn’t worry about it.  I’ll have to hang out with him again sometime.

 

Oh, and JenRed gets extra points for knowing the Bruckheimer movies.  Even Jay knew them.  Of course, he should, as he’s a fire fighter and Jerry is known for his movies for guys who like movies…  The “Go America” theme and all that jazz.

 

I added the Boomtown theme to Aura, the guitar music and opening credits to the show were just really unique.  I added this several months ago, I just wanted JB to know what it was from.  The show was interesting, but it was eventually cancelled after two seasons on NBC.  Right now it’s “I Hope You Dance”.  Whenever I see the name Womack, I think of The Rock, and Sean Connery. 

 

Well, my computer sucks.  I called Kolohegirl tonight and said that I’ve never used her for anything, but I want to use her now to fix this damn computer.  I need to replace the power supply.  It shut off during the last paragraph, so it is now 12:15 am.  I went out with Lisa and Tammy tonight.  That’s a story for a whole new paragraph. 

 

Okay, well, Lisa came by.  She was a sweetie and brought the table, so she scored some serious points for that.  We headed to Tammy’s place.  While we were there we also met Kelly, Ben, and Rick.  Not much to say about Rick, he is an ex-husband that really should’ve been just a friend (or so it appears), as if that wasn’t weird enough, Kelly, was Tammy’s second cousin.  She’s 15, and went outside to smoke a cigarette.  She didn’t have much to say, and every attempt of conversation with her failed.  So, I left her be.  Eventually Tammy, Lisa, Ben and I went out.  We decided we’d stop and get some food.  We went to Macaroni Grill.  After a funny conversation with Lisa on the way down there about people being used for money, we laughed when we told the waiter to keep the checks separate.  Well, things were going well.  We joked a lot about Brian, his supposedly small penis, and even talked a bit about web logs (such as this).  Well, the conversation started in about Brian and his fat tongue, all this while attempting to eat the salad and bread.  Yeah, it was whack.  Okay, well, the conversation was really funny and different, but Ben was from Wisconsin, both he and Tammy had worked with Alzheimer’s residents before, and Ben had an appreciation for IT.  So, it really wasn’t bad.  To give you a little more background, I was supposed to set up Lisa with Thin_Ice.  And in exchange, she was to set me up with Tammy.  Well, I had delivered my end, by bringing Thin_Ice out one weekend.  Of course, Batlover was there too, and Thin_Ice took a liking to Batlover instead of Lisa.  Well, that pissed Lisa off, as he was supposed to be pining after her.  So, a month or so later and plenty of Lisa’s bitching, brings us to today.  Earlier this week Lisa and I were to supposed to have a secret rendezvous to watch Moulin Rouge (she wanted it secret because our friends crash our get-togethers).  Well, she ditched me for TDM (she wants him) but told me that she’d make it worth my while by setting me up with Tammy this weekend.  So the suspense was built for tonight.  Probably similar to the way it was for her seeing Thin_Ice.  Well, like I said everything was great, and although I don’t really have any expectations with Tammy or anybody else, my game was most certainly on.  About halfway through dinner, Mr. Ex-boyfriend of Tammy shows up in the restaurant with peach roses.  So, his new nickname is Mr. Peaches.  Talk about perfect.  I looked to Lisa and simply said “you suck”, and while both of us were bursting out with laughter, she said she couldn’t have planned it better herself.  Well, you could tell Tammy was very shocked.  She didn’t finish her dinner at that point, in fact, she never took another bite.  All she wanted to do was go home.  It didn’t matter that we all planned on going out after dinner.  It really was the funniest thing for Lisa and me.  Especially after Thin_Ice.  I mean, the night felt like a waste.  I compared it to being a woman and having a guy that finished way too soon and me saying “You’re done already?”  It was 11 pm, but still, the night was just starting for me.  So, it didn’t work for Lisa and Thin_Ice, and touché, it didn’t work for Tammy and me.  The evening ended there, the waiter sucked horribly, so he didn’t do well on his tip.  We said our goodbye’s in the parking lot.  Mr. Peaches is a nice guy, he loves her, and you can’t get in the way of love.  It’s just too bad she doesn’t feel the same for him.  Well, it was a somewhat enjoyable evening, but we still laughed the entire way home.

“I taste the sugar and the salt…”

 

Sometimes I just wish I had no regrets.  Although I wish I did nothing wrong in the first place, it would still be okay if I just didn’t have regrets.  I saw a very interesting episode of Scrubs tonight.  It was probably from several weeks ago, since I’m that far behind on my TiVo, but it just hit me.  All I could say afterwards was “wow.”  You know something really catches me off guard and surprises me when all I can say is “wow”.  I just get speechless.  It’s too bad JB doesn’t have time for Scrubs anymore, but it’s fair, since I really don’t have much time for the OC. 

 

I had a good time last night with JenRed.  We went to Macayo’s, and I had more than enough to drink and make me tipsy.  I don’t know what it is with me and sparking conversations with the waiters or waitresses at these places.  Scottie, Shaun, and now Lauren.  I need to stop going out, or maybe just keep my mouth shut.  I just love to learn about people I don’t know.  Anyway, Lauren went to the same high school that I went to.  She’s worked at Macayo’s for several years and wants to go to U of A.  Figures.  All the cute girls from my High School wanted to go to U of A, right JenJen?  Anyway, she’s got a 3.9 GPA, and she seemed like she had a great head on her shoulders.  She knows what she is doing in life.  She thought I was 29.  I mean, why is it that I seem so old to everyone?  Is it the way I look, act, what?  Anyway, it doesn’t really matter.  I just need to keep my head held high, walk with a purpose, and continue to starve myself due to the stress.  For clarification, I’m not starving myself.  Ask those that watch what I eat.  I hear that when you are stressed you metabolize faster, and that is why I appear to be losing weight.  Rachel at work thinks that I’m going to waste away soon.  She shouldn’t talk, last time I went to Macayo’s with her, she passed out and the fire department had to come to take her to the hospital.  You never know about those directors.  Either way, I have a long way to go before I waste away.

 

So, Kolohegirl might just come by to watch the next LOTR film.  We are on #2 of the trilogy.  Although I’d much rather have Cheesecake Factory tonight, and perhaps walk around Kierland Commons, we’ll just have to see. 

 

I went to lunch with her and TDM today.  Taco Bell/Pizza Hut.  I got my Code Red, so I was happy.  The drink of IT professionals everywhere.  I was wired for the rest of the day, so the 4 hours of sleep I got last night didn’t impact my afternoon.

 

Batlover was surprised that The Rock is the most rented movie of all time.  She’ll just have to watch it sometime.  Another good crap movie for us to watch. 

 

I don’t like holding events or any other social event at my place.  I have to mentally work myself up to saying “it’s okay” and just know that I’ll enjoy myself.  I’d worry myself to death about it if I could.  Anyway, I did just that, and was disappointed when it was moved to Lisa’s place.  I need a nickname for her.  Nothing really stands out.  I bought the table from JenRed, just to get something in here, I had the pictures hung, I had music, dinner and drinks all planned out.  So, now, game night is at Lisa’s.  No worries, I’ll survive, just needed to vent.  I know Batlover just tries to be herself, and I respect that, but sometimes it just seems like she says the wrong stuff.  Or just the stuff I don’t want to hear.  It’d be different if it was stuff I need to hear, like reality that I just was ignoring, but it’s not.  I need more “guy” in me.  I’m so much like a chick it is ridiculous.  With the exception of me calling people “dude” and my sex drive, I just wouldn’t know any better.  I like chick flicks, and I’m an emotional wreck.  Such is life.

 

I’m going to tell my boss tomorrow at my 1 on 1 that they should take advantage of me now.  I’m single, no kids, no dependencies.  I’ll do whatever it takes to get the Desktop Application up and running by April 26^th.  Then for June 1^st.  There is so much we need to do.  And poor Terry has a girlfriend and a 14 year old daughter.  They told us that we need to go there indefinitely until everything is resolved.  I’d love to.  It’d be a huge plus to get this thing up and running.  It’s a huge accomplishment.  If only I had that blackberry…  It is much easier to get things done with the laptop and wireless card though.  I mean, I work until the early hours of the morning, just to get up a few hours later and get back to work.  I can just focus on it now.  I need to focus on it now.  Get my life straight, assuming it isn’t now, then find the one. 

 

I found the perfect spot for it JB.  Right above the door like you suggested.  The days are ticking away way to fast.  I hope everything works out wonderfully for Nicole.  I know you are jealous, as it would be expected, but as am I.  I can’t even begin to explain the emotion that I felt over the past few months with everything you went through.  I think you saw the emotion too.  I remember one specific moment, I told you that I felt the loss more than I probably should.  I remember tearing up, then getting busted by You’reTooWhiteForMe walking up.  She asked me later about it but I brushed her away.  I think it’ll be very special once you are home.  And hey, it’s fun trying, right?    Talk about jealousy!  Anyway…

 

I hope Dr. B doesn’t think I’m too crazy.  I don’t know that I could ever thank her enough.  It was the sweetest thing when she walked up and gave me that blue little Post-It Note with her phone numbers and e-mail address on it.  She could just see that I needed it.  It was very sweet.  I still have the Post-It, and I’ll never forget what you have done.  Like I said, people come through life for different reasons…but don’t worry, I’m not done with you yet!  So, how again did you get JB’s information? 

 

Well, it’s amazing.  Aura.  It’s just life.  Life on a CD.  The memories and emotion that can be brought up just by music is amazing.  I went from Torn by Natalie Imbruglia remiding me of JenJen, to Norah’s Come Away With Me.  Enough of me and my emotions.  Blah Blah Blah as Batlover would say.  Well, where is Kolohegirl?  8:30 and still no call….hmmmmm…

 

Anyway, there will be no putting Tigger up in a Petshotel with a TV in his room this time.  I can’t keep paying that everytime I go out of town.  Anything but the best seems cruel to me, so I’ll have to find somebody.  I know my mom wouldn’t mind…but I don’t like inconveniencing people.

 

No call back from Scottie.  No worries though, they won’t all call back.  And I won’t even get into Match Girl #1. 

 

Anyway, I’m going to watch some crap TV now and pay some bills.  Have a goodnight…

"I have a universe inside me..."

 

The single life sure is busy.  There is just always so much going on, and I never get done what I need to.

 

It was a tragic week last week at work.  We lost two employees.  Stephanie and Laurie.  Although I didn’t know either of them to a great extent, I spoke with them both many a times, as they were really great people.  I think Kolohegirl said anything I could have said better, so I’ll just leave it at that.  They are in my thoughts, and I send my sympathy to their friends and family…

 

Ever known somebody to what you thought was a great extent, only to be shocked by something they said that they had never told you before?  Well, Dr. B did that to me at lunch the other day.  How could you leave the fact that you didn’t believe out of our conversations?  No worries, I was just surprised…  Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know you.  Guess we’re going to have to do some more lunches.

 

Time is running thin with JB.  I’m coming to a close with Aura, and it is ready for production.  Just seeing her brings up thoughts and feelings that I know will always be there.  It’s just a feeling I get when seeing her that brightens my day, and makes things better.  I just wish I had a legitimate excuse to spend more time with her.  I don’t really give her any more attention than I do other friends, because that is what we are.  But I have to force myself to be that way.  We both know that what we have can not be carried on with any physical mementos, other than Aura, and what she is making, and only in our hearts and minds.  No expectations.  The future is large, and you never know what it holds…  We will always be able to contact each other if necessary and she knows I’ll always have the 2000 Merlot.  I will miss her dearly, but like I said, she will always live on in my heart and my mind.

 

Transitioning into my next topic….have you ever felt like all you do is say the wrong things?  I feel I’ve done that for a long time with JB.  I never say the things I mean, or it just all comes out wrong.  I feel like I disappoint and hurt her, and that is not my intention.  And worse, I feel I’ve carried that on to others.  Everything I say seems to be wrong.  Batlover, Cookie, even Kolohegirl sometimes.  With that comes a large burden of depression and disappointment.  At times I feel like I don’t deserve to be talking with these people, as all I do is hurt them.

 

I went to my class on Saturday.  You know, the one so I don’t get the points?  Well, while there, I went to lunch with Cheryl and Steve whom I met in class.  Cheryl is a Physician’s Assistant, and Steve is a nurse, and is from England.  It was a great conversation.  Three complete strangers.  I wish I could run into more people like that just to get to know them.  It just makes me realize how big the world is, and how much there is to learn.

 

Okay, and Kolohegirl, here’s that list: Disneyland, Universal Studios, Ice Skating, LOTR parts II and III, Vanilla Sky, painting candle shade, lunch for you, and brunch for me.  Plus I made a link.  That was really easy when you cheat and use the button at the top of the page.  But I should still get some points...

 

I hung out today with Batlover and JenRed.  It was a very pleasant day.  I got Scottie’s number, although I don’t know that I can spell her name, I’ll give her a call tomorrow.  She seemed absolutely adorable and I couldn’t resist.  Props to Jay, for the few tips and confidence.  He had great firefighter stories, and I hope he continues to hang out with us.  And I called Matchgirl #1 and made plans to watch a movie at her place tomorrow.  I said barring my death, I would be there, as we haven’t seen each other in awhile.  Batlover and I bantered over money issues.  And it wore JenRed out.  She got exhausted watching us go at it like a married couple.  Only we both know how we feel, and regardless of our bantering, the feelings remain.  She’s a keeper.  Oh, and I drove past Cookie today at Mimi’s.  She asked me if I was hanging around the old neighborhood.  As it was near the house.  She didn’t have much to say, she just wanted to say hello since she saw me.  She walked up behind me at work while I was calling Matchgirl #1.  Talk about bad timing.  There was nothing I could say that would bring me to justice, so I didn’t say anything at all.  Her imagination is much worse than the truth, as I was only calling to cancel so I could watch LOTR with Kolohegirl.  See Thin_Ice, I didn’t hurt her feelings, as she still came over.  I had a good night that night.  Remind me and I’ll buy a hairdryer. 

 

I hung more pictures today, JenRed helped a ton, and Batlover provided her assistance as well.  Although it doesn't look quite right, it's a start.  We watched Bruckheimer's Gone in 60 Seconds, and had dinner at Streets of New York.

 

Spud is in town right now too.  My uncle.  No that's not his real name, I think it originated from the dog in the beer commercials.  I'm not sure, but he is from Wisconsin so it is a good bet.  It's nice to see him again, and I hope to spend some time with him while he's here.  Well, I'm off to bed.  You think JenJen reads this?  I thought of her today as we were talking about love, and I thought of Stephanie as I saw a girl with pretty eyes at Einstein's.  Her name was Stephanie as well.  Anyway, good night all....

"It's the end of the world as we know it..."

Okay, I told myself I'm going to bed early, and I really am.  So I'm giving myself 5 minutes to type this.  Where to start, well, I'm home.  I was picked up at the airport by Batlover and JenRed.  We went to eat at Applebee's.  Shaun, our waiter, was pretty cool.  He was from Seattle.  We had fun, but I didn't get home until after 11, and not to bed until after midnight.

I watched Black Hawk Down on DVD on the flight there, and more on the way back.  Actually, I watched the audio commentary with the other JB, Jerry Bruckheimer.  Then, I started watching the commentary with the actual Rangers and Delta Team members that were actually there.  It was really educational.  I recommend it to those that care...especially listening to the commentary.  It adds a lot to the film after you've seen it.

I loved talking with the project manager for the Desktop Application.  He is just a great guy, and I'd love to be like him when I'm older.  I know I was kidding when I was talking to Kolohegirl about it earlier, but I really do look up to him.  He is up there with Jim.  Besides the fact that I think he is a good looking older man, he is very intelligent, he has excellent taste (we share several interests), and has a lot to offer someone.  I don't think he knows that I would follow him around like a little lap dog.  I think everyone needs a role model.  And in Corporate America, it can really help you move up that long ladder.

My cellular bill was almost $300.  I doubled my minutes during the day.  That's not even including my night and weekend minutes which are free.  I mean, damn, that's a lot of talking.  A lot of it was for work though, so I'm going to have to address that.  Conference calls while I'm in the car, yeah, just not a good idea.

Today was Match girl #1's birthday.  Although I doubt anything more will ever come of our relationship, I had to wish her a happy birthday.  She wants to get together tomorrow.  It really caught me off guard, and although I really don't know that I should, I probably will because we've just had such bad timing previously, and I feel bad for that.  I know, there I go worrying again.  I'm not that worried about it.

Well, it'll be a sad day if Howard Stern gets taken off the air.  Yeah, he is offensive to many, but he shouldn't lose his first amendment right because of stupid people such as Janet Jackson and Mr. Boy Wonder wannabe (Justin Timberlake).  They really don't have anything to cite him with; they are just trying to step up and boot him out.  That damn FCC…  And for those that don't listen because they have seen the E show, the radio broadcast and the E show are totally different.  The E Show is edited specifically for that stuff.  You have to look past all the sex, stripper, and gross humor.  He is actually a very...well, I would have to say, wise and/or intelligent individual.  Maybe that is overstating it, but he definitely is brighter than most people give him credit for.  And believe it or not, he has a conscience and a heart.  You just have to open your mind and listen.  You did it to believe in God, why not for Howard Stern?  Who would have thought those two would end up in the same sentence?  Anyway…to each his own…

Okay, well, I passed up my five minutes by just a few, but I have to fold the clothes and pick up this place.  I really missed being home, my bed, and I really missed Tiggerroni.  You really appreciate how adorable he is when you are away from him.

Seacrest….out. 

Today was pretty much all work.  So I don’t have much to say that doesn’t involve it.  I had breakfast, which included scrambled eggs, Corn Flakes, an English muffin, and some orange juice.  Then, for lunch we went to State Street Bar and Grill.  It was actually really good.  For dinner we went to Porta Bella.  The atmosphere was magnificent, but the food wasn’t the best.  But I’d like to give it another shot and try something different.  I didn’t wear my jacket the entire time I was up here.  It even rained today.  After dinner we walked up and down State Street for awhile.  It was nice just to look at all the shops, bookstores, and coffee shops.  I normally like to get little souvenirs for everybody back home, but I didn’t this trip.  I didn’t when I went to Monterrey, CA either.

 

Surprisingly, I’m kind of anxious to get back to Phoenix.  I miss my friends, and I miss Tigger.  My sister called me today to see if we could hook up for dinner, but it was late when I got the message, and I really needed to finish discussing all the work stuff with my cohorts.  I still haven’t heard from my brother and/or his girlfriend.  I should probably call him tomorrow before I go.  I’m keeping another item of clothing of his.  This time it is shorts that I used for when we went swimming.  We also sat in the sauna and spa in addition to swimming.  But I figure I gave him enough money for sodas that I pretty much paid for them.  And he never had to pay for meals when we went out, I took care of that too.  So, they did pretty well for themselves.  But they did pick me up, drove me around, and we had fun, so I didn’t mind.  I owed it to him anyway.  Granted, my computer at home is almost awesome (if it didn’t shut off), but he did build it for me and he didn’t get much in return.

 

Well, I hope all is well with all of you.  And I hope to see you again soon.  Have a good night, and sweet dreams…