April 15, 2004

  • No super long paragraphs, just my quick thoughts:


     


    Alanis is going on Stern.  She refused several times before, but wants to show her support now...


     


    President Bush is an idiot.


     


    I never thought the day would come that 24 is more important to me than a presidential (or idiot’s) speech.  That day has come…


     


    You could have all the friends in the world, would you still be lonely?  I would be.


     


    I’m hungry- I wanted fucking Carrabba’s.


     


    Lunch with Leesha was nice today (sorry I ditched ya Dr. B).  She realized the HelpDesk is helpless.  I told her to CC me and I can get it fixed if it is important.  Otherwise, we’ve got the CIO that is always asking us to let him know when we have issues.  But I gave our LOTR fan a heads up that if he doesn’t watch for our shit, then Mr. Green will come a knockin’, like he has before for us…  It’s nice to have the ear of those that are up there, but its not cool when you got friends in the Service Desk that are getting slammed with shit when they don’t have enough staff to support ¼ of what they get everyday.  Anything I can do to help…I will…


     


    I always call Cookie on her on the days she is in school.  Is it some predetermined thing that says “hey, she’s in class, you should be needy today”?


     


    JB called Nicole on Monday, April 12th.  Figures.  Nothing to confirm how I feel better than reality.


     


    AprilLynn-Stupid theater, huh? Must be in Portage (or not).  Although I’ve never been to the theater, it never seems to play things I want to see.  My brother has been there several times though.


     


    Well, since I’m getting good at fucking things up, I think I should just go to bed.  As I’ve got Lisa upset I’m sure, because of all the things with her husband.  I mean, ever since I’ve known her I’ve never heard good things about him.  And it’s not like she just didn’t say anything.  It’s that she said bad things about him.  How can I be expected to just up and change my stance?  I can’t.  And although I want her to do what makes her happy, I just want her to understand that I can’t just flip a switch and be all perky with everything now.  So he bought her a few things, it doesn’t change who a person is and where they are coming from.  I don’t need to go into it anymore.  I’m sorry if I’m being childish.  I don’t blame her, I blame myself for not being able to deal with it in such a way that would make her happy.  So, if I have to skip out on a few “group meetings” so be it.  You deserve the best, and I’m not convinced he is it, but you deserve the best.


     


    Kolohegirl, as Leesha would say “you rock”.  You are just the best.  TDM can fix crap that no one else can, but you just rock.  Thanks for always be there….even through the uncomfortable silences…


     


    And just when I thought my night was done for and was doomed for failure, my Goddess (Mystery girl) came to the rescue.  She called, brought me Subway (which she paid for) and we spent the evening just chatting.  It was really great.  I hope to make it up to her on Friday, as we will be going out again.  I look forward to it, as she really did come to my rescue…Thanks sweetie…

April 12, 2004

  • Today has been an emotional day.  It’s not been a bad day, in fact, it is going quite well.  I suppose it all depends on the attitude that I choose to take at any given moment.  I suppose that is no different for any day of the year.  We paint the picture that we choose to live in.  I had no problem getting up this morning, well, maybe a little, but it wasn’t bad.  It was a relief to still hear Stern on the radio, it’s good to know that the country and our freedoms haven’t completely disappeared.  But it the back of my mind, I know, I’m 25.  I don’t think that I’m old, as that is not my issue.  It’s just reflecting on where I am, and where I am going.  I listened to Aura on the way to work, as I often do, but today it had a different meaning.  Aura is nice because it fits whatever mood I may be in.  It molds into what I need for it to be.  Somebody else put it as being a quarter of a century old. 


     


    The highlight of my day would have to be Leesha.  She sang her “It’s your birthday” song to me.  She is just the best.  I’ve never met anybody quite like her.  I wonder if she is that perky at home.  Does her husband still get to see that side of her?  I’m sure he did at first, but sometimes people change toward those that see them everyday.  It’s not that they are more or less who they are, it’s just another side of them.  Anyway, the song was great, and I recorded a voice memo on my cell phone of her singing it so I may play it back to my heart’s content.


     


    I talked to my Mystery girl last night, I refer to her on here as Caffeine girl, but that is synonymous with Mystery girl.  Yeah, neither of them are cute, but caffeine creates a high in some regard, and she kind of creates a natural high for me.  And intrigue and mystery is always a good thing…so…hence the reason I don’t think they are too bad.  Well, like I said, she did call, and we talked for about an hour or so.


     


    I felt bad because I was talking to Kolohegirl when she called.  I told her to call TDM, but she didn’t.  I forget that she makes an exception when she talks to me on the phone.  Well, while I was on the phone with Mystery girl, Batlover called.  She was a little upset about Lisa so I talked to her for awhile.  Then I felt bad because I never called TDM back from when I was talking to Kolohegirl.  Ugh, too many people, too many nicknames and too much craziness.


     


    I finally transferred my MP3 files so I can listen to them on the laptop.  Just don’t tell any of those IT people!  It’s not my fault that I’m smarter than them and that their search can’t find the songs.  I’m just good like that.  I get proud of myself when I find workarounds to things.  Like when a web page has the right-click function disabled, but I am still able to view the code, and/or copy the pictures.  All the things they didn’t want me to do.  It’s all fun and games till I get caught.  I like the fact that I can be creative and find solutions to things.  It all goes back to that tale of the fortune cookie thing that started at work: “the great pleasure in life is doing the things they say cannot be done”.


     


    For the last few years, Sandy led the way for the Relay for Life for the American Cancer Society.  She got some slack, as it wasn’t an official company thing.  However, numerous individuals got involved and we raised some serious money.  Today I received an e-mail that went to all employees letting them know about the event, and that our company would donate $50 to the ACS for each employee that signed up.  This is in addition to what the employees raise.  I forwarded her the e-mail, as she has since moved to Idaho.  I told her that she should be very proud of her efforts to keep it alive over the past few years.  All her hard work and effort has made its way to the “official” company level and the e-mail was sent to all corporate employees and those at the field locations within the state.  It’s great to know that the effort has stayed alive and continues to thrive. 


     


    It is really an emotional day.  And Sarah McLachlan doesn’t help.


     


    I told her (mystery girl) last night my fear of dying, and how all I want to do is dream.  Sweet bliss…  I love that I can open up to her.  I suppose I could to anybody, but it is different.  I’m not 100% open and comfortable yet, but it is different…Somehow, someway… 


     


    My mom called me to let me know she will be having dinner at her place tonight.  Although it’s not what I wanted, I’ll survive.  I guess I’ll be getting together with my friends this weekend.  Probably on Saturday instead of the normal Friday.  That way we can go see that midnight movie at AZ Mills for those that haven’t seen it yet.  Jay doesn’t work this weekend, which is why we moved it to Saturday.


     


    Cookie asked me to lunch today.  So, I’ll be going with her.  There isn’t really anywhere I want to go, at least, the places I want to go I can’t during lunch.  So I’ll probably go to Macaroni Grill.


     


    Did I say it’s an emotional day?  I said yesterday to Cookie that I was female in my past life, and she told me I’m female in this life.  Touché


     


    Even though I know, I don’t want to know, yeah I guess I know, I just hate how it sounds.  One thing.


     


    I still miss you JB.  I always will.  I just don’t let myself write about it.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you.  More than you will ever imagine.  Why when I’m so emotional, do I always hear “you make me feel like I want to be a dumb blond in a centerfold, the girl next door…”  The timing is impeccable.  It makes me want to watch that movie again.  City Of Angels, and Paula Cole for those that don’t know…  Anyway, JB, I hope all is well, and although I don’t write it, just know that I feel it…


     


    I’ve been on the verge of tears all day.  I know we paint our own pictures, and I allow myself to feel the way I feel.  They are not tears of anything in particular, they are sadness, happiness, just emotional overwhelmingness tears.  If there is such a thing…


     


    I just want you to know who I am.


     


    And right now I’m the guy who is not working because all I want to do is write.  See, she wouldn’t give me the day off, so I took it off anyway.  Ironically, she sent an e-mail stating that she was taking PTO until 2 pm today, and all day tomorrow with the exception of 2 meetings in which she will call in.  It’s not okay for me to take a day off, but she took them off.  And where was my cake and balloons she promised? 


     


    I would have loved a Dairy Queen cake.  Those are the best.  Maybe I’m partial because I used to work there, but they were really good.  KLM used to work at Baskin Robbins, and their cakes were good as well.  I found it funny that she worked there and I worked at DQ.  Between the two of us, in high school, we had it covered.  I used to hook up my math teacher when she came in.  I had a crush on her, as she was probably the youngest teacher at my high school.  Since, I’ve found out she is best friends with a co-worker in our Marketing and Corporate Communications department where I work now.  How embarrassing. 


     


    Why do I try so hard for those that I want recognition from?  I would do anything to appease certain people.  Sometimes I would do better if I wasn’t like that.  If I just do what I do, without that level of desperation, it would impress them even more.  I’m specifically thinking about Jim and Eric.  Sometimes I’m different than other times.  I just need consistency.  One time, I’m buddy buddy with them, the next, it’s different.  I don’t know.  I have no problem telling them how I feel about stuff, which is good because we cut through the B.S. and get right to the heart of an issue.  Such is life…


     


    I’m going to take off early today.  Well, early being closer to 4 pm rather than the normal 6 pm.  I got in at 6:30 this morning, so I’m not worried.  I just want to try and enjoy the day.  I haven’t really let myself stress. 


     


    I just want a hug and I just want to share how I feel with someone.  I just feel I have so many bottled up emotions that I need to release.  I don’t need “the one” or anything, hell, at this point I’d settle for my pillow and my bed.  Tigger snoring, just being surrounded with comfort.  Aura playing in the background.  Just sweetness.  It would be nice to share it all with somebody.  Sometimes it is torture thinking about all I would love to do, in those conversations with Mystery girl at night.  I mean, what is the point in thinking about all the fun things I could be doing, if I’m not doing them?


     


    I’m now home for the evening.  Dinner was okay.  I mean, the food was good, but the evening was okay.  I provided the comic relief, more for myself than for others.  I tried to keep my spirits high for those around me.  It reminds me back in elementary school when they used to say the class clown is the one with the issues that we should be concerned about.  Well, tonight, that was me.  I was hiding my issues through comedy.  It kept the evening moving, but in the back of my mind thoughts were running wild.


     


    I really wanted to get home just to call Mystery girl.  I feel giddy, like I used to when I was younger.  It’s nice.  I called but she didn’t answer.  She has no idea that I hate leaving messages.  But I leave them, as I don’t want any reason for her not to call.


     


    My gifts tonight were like anything they could scrounge up from around the house.  It was pathetic.  I got a movie my dad wanted, a shirt my brother should wear, a book that my family has owned for decades, and $7.  Okay, in all defense, the book was from my niece who is 12, so technically it is the thought that counts there.  And there was $5 dollars from her as well, as there are 5 letters in the spelling of the month April.  The sixth dollar was a sympathy dollar she dug up from her room, and the 7th dollar was in a card from my sister.  I guess it’s a family joke to give a dollar, but I must have been out of the loop on it.  I’m sure I’ll enjoy the movie, but I won’t know tonight, because I left it there so my Dad could watch it (like I said, I think it was bought so he could watch it).  And as for the shirt, I wouldn’t get caught wearing it, so I’ll have to figure something out.


     


    It’s the thought that counts for all the above.  I enjoyed the time with the family, and that was all I really needed.  I was happy Kelly was there too.  She's a friend of the family that now lives in AZ.  Her family lives in Wisconsin.  All I wanted to do was come home to cry on my damn pillow, and I haven’t had a chance to even do that.  I don’t mean to sound pathetic, but maybe I just need some sleep.  I pissed Cookie off earlier this afternoon.  She called me to ask a Visual Basic question and a DocuWare question, and when I was providing the responses, I must have shown my frustration with my life.  Well, she was pretty quick to want to hang up.  I know I answered her questions, I was just frustrated with some stuff.  It was wrong for me to take it out on her…


     


    Well, I did receive a call from my brother.  Guess that means he’s over whatever it is he was upset about (or so I think).  We chatted for a long while, and he gave me another one of those surveys that he filled out.  His girlfriend did it also, as did one of my sisters.  So now I’ll have to do it to keep up.  I normally don’t do them, but since my sister did, and I never expected her to, it wouldn’t hurt for me to return one to them.  My brother is coming here next month for awhile, then both he and his girlfriend will be moving her permanently after December.  They’ve said that a few times, so we’ll see if it holds true this time around.  I hope so though…


     


    I did expect of all days to hear from JB, today would be one of them.  But it wasn’t.  No worries, everyday that passes I come to terms with how things are.  Nicole has asked me about her, thinking that I would have talked to her more often than her, but that is not the case.  In fact, I think it will likely be the opposite.  No worries.  I know how I feel, and that is all that matters.  I hope she is doing well, and I hope she is not too jealous of Nicole being pregnant, as she will have her little one soon enough…


     


    My oldest sister called me to tonight too.  She did me a favor and didn’t sing (like the rest of my family did).  We chatted for a few minutes, but that was all.


     


    Tigger is whining because he is hungry, so I better feed him.  I have a few clean up things to do, and I need to make sure my TiVo records 24 tomorrow night.  Thanks to all those that were there for me today.  I appreciate the thoughts. 


     


    Happy Birthday to me.  It was a big one.  25.  Quarter Century.  We’ll see how it goes from here.  Have a good night.  Take Care.

  • Props to me, as I added another Xangan!  Although she wishes to remain anonymous, I hope that it works out in her best interest.  I had no intention of pushing it on her, I just described it, and she loved the idea. 


     


    Lisa said “fucking lunch woman”, as she is jealous that Dr. B gets a designated hour almost every day with me during the week.  When she called me this morning, she told me that she had big news.  I, of course, already knew because my gut told me last night.  However, when explaining my gut feeling to Batlover yesterday, she didn’t believe me.  Now I can say “I told you so…”  Well, she is getting back together with her husband.  He took her to California, and must have said all the right things.  I of course sounded cheerful, as the last thing she needs is for her friends not to support her.  I’m not sure if she is making a mistake or not, as only she will know.  If anything else, she has learned a few things since being apart from him.  I hope it makes her a stronger person, and she doesn’t forget that she should come first.  I’ll always be here to support her, even if she lives in California (to where she is now moving).  I’m not sure what TDM thinks.  Even though she was on his rotation, I think he cares more about the people on his rotation that he admits to others.  I know he cares for her, as it is evident in the things I see and hear.  Well, she’s gone out clubbing, she’s been with other guys, hell, she’s even had an orgasm with a guy.  Now that she has experienced things she hasn’t had before, hopefully she is able to settle down again with her husband, and things work out right this time around.  I admit, everything I hear about him turns me off.  In fact, I would be very happy to never meet him.  But if it makes her happy, then go for it.  She cried tears when she saw how upset I was over JB.  Only because she knows what the pain is like when you love somebody so much and you are not with them.  Even “My Immortal” touched her, as it reminded her of him.  I wish her nothing but the best.


     


    The baseball game was very nice.  It was pretty much exactly as I planned, as they lost.  But it was a good game, and the first baseman ran smack into the umpire and knocked him on his ass.  It was great to watch.  There were several good plays, and we lost by only a run.  The company was good, and Cookie and I spent $30 on food right when we walked in the door.  It was a nice experience, and I was happy to avoid work this weekend.


     


    Unfortunately, I do have work that I need to get done.  I know, I know, I work too much.  But I needed to get a report done and update a spreadsheet sometime this weekend, and Sunday night still counts as this weekend. 


     


    Okay, work done for tonight.  See, you didn’t even notice I was gone!  It only took me about an hour and a half to do.  I gave Caffeine girl a call, but she didn’t answer so I left a message.  So you don’t have to read about how I love talking to her.  Oh, wait, you just did…  Jack Frost 2 is on Cinemax.  It would be what I would call a crap movie.  Batlover thinks almost all movies are crap movies.  I disagree, but Jack Frost and its sequel are most certainly crap movies.


     


    Okay, well, it’s been another hour and a half, and I did my taxes.  I’m kicking ass tonight.  I’m a little hungry for dinner, but I’ll be okay.  I’m not sure if we will be going to dinner tomorrow night or not.  And to be honest, I just don’t feel like pushing others into doing it.  I shouldn’t have to really organize my own dinner, right?  I mean, it’d be different if I was not able to schedule it or something, but I’m flexible.  I’ll go when they tell me to be there.  No worries, if nothing else, I’ll take myself to dinner!  Well, there isn’t much on TV, so I’ll be giving Kolohegirl a call (she’s up all hours).  Oh, and Thin_Ice, there is a girl in TPR with a pinball machine that wants to talk to you again.  You should give her a call. 


     


    Leesha was hilarious last week, as it was her birthday on Friday, and TDM’s was last week as well.  She was singing to herself all day.  She has the best personality, and I’m thrilled to be working with her.  I love the group of people I share that room with.  Granted, all except Leesha and I are consultants, but they have been great.  We have gotten really good consultants.  Well, I’m going to post this, walk Tigger, call Kolohegirl, and go to bed.  Have a good evening…

April 11, 2004

  • Sleep.  That’s all I want right now.  I have not had enough.  5 hours of it for two days, then only 2 hours last night.  I went to bed at 2 am, and got up at 4 am this morning.  I got a call last night, no, actually I placed a call last night.  To somebody who wants to remain anonymous.  Even to people she doesn’t know?  I understand why in some regard, but it was just funny listening to how concerned she was about her privacy.  It was a relief to hear it from somebody else.  Caffeine girl.  I know that isn’t the most romantic and beautiful name ever, but it fits her.  With the talk of coffee today and the daily Mountain Dews.  We talked for 4 ½ hours.  It’s amazing the conversations you can have with somebody when you don’t even really know them.  It’s even more amazing how deep and emotional the conversation can get.  It was really refreshing.  I only wish I wasn’t so focused on work lately to appreciate everything she had to say.  Because in the back of my head, I have the laptop in front of me, and I’m thinking about all I have to get done.  I was really moved by some of the comments she made.  She said things that I couldn’t have said better myself.  Such as the reasons people want their own children, and are not just content with raising nieces and nephews.  She just said things really well.  It was impressive.  You really can’t base somebody simply off of what you might see when you pass them, like in this case, I realized she was much deeper than I would have (and did) think at first glance.  I hope to talk again, and I have no problem with her reading this site whenever her little heart desires.


     


    I got two tickets to the Diamondback’s game today.  My boss gave them to me.  It was nice, because even the smallest things help make a difference now.  She told me that if I hit the wall to be sure and call time out.  I told her I hit the wall last week (see that Monday’s post).  I have since been a little better.   I just needed to get over this hump.  And even though I have to send a report sometime this weekend, I feel better knowing that we accomplished a lot this week.  And I was really appreciative of You’reTooWhiteForMe’s boss to help out.  I know that I pretty much picked her to help me, but she could have thrown a fit and gotten out of it.  She is a valuable asset, and it was really great to have somebody competent help.  I asked her to come in at 5 am this morning, and even brought her Starbucks to help keep her happy.  Well, I was able to work via VPN from home at 4:30, but when I got into work at 5 everything was down.  The VoIP phones, the network, everything.  I was pissed.  I dragged my ass out of bed, to make sure we get the testing done for the Desktop Application.  So, when nobody answers the HelpDesk pager, who do I call?  Kolohegirl (not Ghostbusters).  She was dead asleep, as it was early in Tacoma as well.  She was all comfy in her hotel room bed, and I wake her up.  I ask her for TDM’s cell phone and pager numbers, and she rattles them off.  I was worried that I got the wrong numbers, as she was mumbling, and I could tell she was still asleep.  Well, TDM answered his page.  And while I was bitching about the fact that nobody answered the HelpDesk pager, he told me he was the one on call, and that it never went off.  He was able to help start the motion on getting it all resolved, as it ended up being the Sprint circuit.  I felt just as bad for waking him up, as I did Kolohegirl, but he stated he was grateful, as he would have had issues if the problem hadn’t been resolved (since the helpdesk pager wasn’t working).  People no doubt would have held him accountable for the downtime, regardless of the fact that it wasn’t his fault.  Still, it was only down for 2 hours.  It was up by 7 am.  The best part, is that even though she was still asleep and mumbling incoherently, and she doesn’t remember it, Kolohegirl called me back to make sure I got what I needed so I was able to resolve the issue.  Now that is customer service…


     


    Well, as you may or may not know, I start my posts in MS Word, add stuff here and there, then post them.  Well, today is now a new day, as the above was written last night.  I have since had 11 hours of sleep.  However, just as I fell asleep I got another call from my Caffeine girl.  We talked for another 4 hours.  It was really great.  Well, because I was asleep I had no problem opening up to her and saying how I really felt about things.  8 ½ hours of conversation in two days.  It’s been really nice.  And what is even better, is I’m able to say how I really feel about things, and it hasn’t been an issue.  In fact, she understands why I feel the way I do.  She asked a lot of personal questions, and surprisingly, I provided answers.  We talked about the spelling of “a lot”, wine, hot air balloons, being in love with the idea of being in love, and movies.  There is always a fear that I’ll scare her off, but if nothing else, I’ll appreciate the conversations we had, as they were very nice.


     


    Batlover came over today.  She called me and said, order the pizza, I’m coming over.  I was like, okay then.  The pizza guy came to the door and I answered wearing just a towel as I had just gotten out of the shower.  I know, sexy, right?  Well, it was better him than Batlover, as that would have made for an interesting conversation.  She came over, we chatted and ate, and then laid down for awhile.  We chatted while laying next to each other, then decided to head to Desert Ridge. 


     


    It was at Desert Ridge where I determined I must have been a female in my past life.  I don’t even believe in past lives, but whatever.  I just had the BEST time at Bath and Body Works.  I walked out spending $50 on stuff.  I’ve been in there several times before, as I love their soap, and I have to make sure it matches my towels (I must be metro sexual).  I got a hand massage with the cocoa scrub and corresponding cream.  All the different scents in lotions, body splashes and soaps was just exhilarating.  It was hard not to want to try some of them all.  Okay, I sound gay, I should stop now.  But then again, there was cute chicks there, so that helped (just a comment to make me sound not quite so gay).


     


    Oh, but at the Ulta store next door.  That was where the hot chicks were.  I mean, damn.  Batlover dragged me in there, and proceeded to try the fingernail polish on me so she didn’t waste her money or screw up her own nails.  I totally busted this woman who was trying to steal something, at least, so I think.  She was like, “oh, how did that end up in there and not in the basket?”  I was like, if your going to steal the shit, do a better job than that and stay out of Scottsdale you dumb bitch. 


     


    Well, as if she hadn’t dragged me to enough places, next was Ross.  She wanted to see if she had a skirt there that she regretted not buying the other day.  And of course, it wasn’t there.  But that didn’t stop her from spending an hour there looking at clothes.  She tried stuff on, several times over, made a few comments about how she couldn’t find anything that fit her.  Poor her and that skinny, tight, hot body, with perfect breasts.  Poor thing.  Anyway, we went and had dinner at Rock Bottom Brewery.  It was a pleasant dinner, as the entire day with her was really great.  At the end she stunned me with a comment of “if I was to die be sure to console my parents, and be sure to let them know that they did a good job.”  I of course said I would, and was stunned as the comment came out of nowhere.  She then told me to make sure her animals are taken care of.  And that is something that her and I have discussed several times.  She knows that I would make sure they were safe and sound, and in a good loving home.  Even if it was mine.  Yes, I’m allergic to cats.  But I’ve done it before and would do it again.  Sometimes I think Jay doesn’t know what it is that he has.  Actually, I know he doesn’t.  What surprises me, is that he cares so much for her, but I know he doesn’t know the real her yet.  I hope he does eventually.  I’d want to see her taken care of, and I know he would do that.  He’s a nice guy, no, not perfect, but he could take good care of her if it was to work out.  So, after the discussion of her dreams of dying, and conversations about what it would be like if someone close was to pass away, we made our way home.  We said our goodbyes, and I made sure to tell her to call me when she gets home.  She of course forgot, but I called her and she apologized, as she got a call from a friend.  I was just happy to know that she was safe.  She finally gave me permission to post the following e-mail.  It was something that she gave to me before I left on my first trip to Wisconsin for work.  I’m not sure what made her change her mind, but I feel it was special, and I wanted to post it.  She just didn’t want anybody to give her (or me) a hard time about it.  It was for me, and this site is for me, so here was her e-mail on February 25th, 2004:


     


    I will TRY to maintain my innocence while u are gone.  no Promisies


     


    JB-


     


    As I sit here at my computer, dreading the bleak actuality that my sweet JB will be gone the entire weekend.  Selfishly angry about the impending departure.  Though I have others to call, the pleasure is not the same. I recall his tender lips.  Knowing he is thumbing through his old black book and plans on "hiking" with some former match.com whore.   He knows my secrets, that few know.    Other women lead him with his own tie.  He obeys like a circus dog, eager to please but never quite getting that tantalizing treat.  So I sit, watching other women "grease his monkey"   He knows I know,  but still behind my smile, I still have many secrets.    Surrounded by sound, sipping diet Dr. Pepper, he tries to convince himself to hate me.  Truthfully, He craves me.  Wanting to put me in a vile, next to the flowers on his shelf, so other may see and of course cannot touch.    In the meantime he settles, spending "hundreds of dollars" on the female temple he sometimes arouses but never touches.   He takes comfort in making my eyes and heart smile but sometimes asks himself,  "what good does this do me????????" 


     


    Hope u like it.   NO, u CANNOT put it on your site.   your eyes only.


     


    love, E xoooxxxx


     


    She really is the best.  She is just a sweet girl with a huge heart.  Only she would stop and take the time to write comments on my guest bathroom mirror to scare off all the women that come over with stuff like: “XOXO”, “I Love JB”, “Make Me Your Wife”, “Give it to me” written in red lipstick.  And she’s got the best one liners of anybody I know.  Although they are R rated at the very least, here’s a few that are credit to her:


     


    “what the fuck good is that going to do you and me, bitch?” –needs to be said when somebody says that someday you will find someone who will appreciate you.


     


    “you have time for your tasty bitches, but not your friends”


     


    “I’ve got a fire between my legs and I need your hose to take care of it” – ironic she’s dating a firefighter


     


    “my pussy is so tight, it’s like you are fucking a virgin”


     


    “Goddamn it” – needs to be said slowly and with great agony and sexual tension while pulling her hair and biting her neck


     


    “fucking Wyatt”


     


    “fucking insert name here”


     


    “blah, blah, blah, blah”


     


    “all that work, and you didn’t even get your dick sucked?!?”


     


     


    It’s tough to write such things, as it portrays only a small part of her.  That just shows how crazy and entertaining she can be.  And writing it doesn’t do it justice, as most probably see it as trivial and/or juvenile.  There is so much to her that most don’t realize.  And that is most certainly not the best part.  For that would be the love that she gives to those that touch her heart and appreciate who she is and what she has to offer…


     


    Okay, changing the subject completely, back to the more innocent and sweet Caffeine girl, she called me this evening.  Jay and Batlover would be proud that I didn’t call her back.  Whatever, although I don’t think of it as playing games, I understand what Jay was saying.  In fact, she stated she was kicking herself asking why I hadn’t called a few hours earlier.  As she would have loved to have gone out tonight.  Contrary to what Batlover thought, which was that she said she couldn’t just to look like she had a life.  Not all people are like that, in fact, I like to think that most are not.  The conversation was not the normal four hours.  In fact, it ran only about an hour (if not a little less).  She stated that she wanted to go out next weekend for my birthday.  I remember making the comment when I first met her that it was ironic that her birthday is exactly one month after mine.  I love the fact that she lives in Scottsdale, as she is familiar with a lot of the places that I like to go.  She’s even heard of Michael’s at the Citadel.  It is a great place to go to brunch on Sundays.  I just love talking to her.  It’s crazy.  The conversations we have, I just find them amazing.  It’s kind of weird because we haven’t had time to chat like that in person.  I can’t wait until this weekend, as that will be a great time I’m sure.  Sometimes I think the topics of conversation would scare somebody away.  But for me, it doesn’t.  I’m in love with the idea of being in love, and to hear somebody that shares the same thoughts is nice.  She’s a romantic.  I explained how I’ve gotten to where I am, JenJen, Cookie, JB.  She really didn’t have much to say about that.  And probably so, as it is in the past.  One should be looking toward the future.  Okay, I’ll say it one last time: I love talking to her.


     


    I’m taking Cookie to the baseball game tomorrow.  I know, probably not the first person I should ask (and she wasn’t), but I knew she would go regardless of it being Easter, and I know she would enjoy it.  In fact, Christy was the first person I asked as she saw the tickets and stated she had never been to a baseball game.  But it’s probably for the better that she didn’t go, as that would cause a stir.  Although she said yes at first, she had to take it back a little while later, as it was Easter, and after church she was having dinner at her sister’s place in Queen Creek.  Like I said, probably a good thing. I even hinted it to Caffiene girl, but she wasn't able to attend as it was Easter.  So, I'll go with Cookie, and I know I'll have a good time.


     


    Well, the director of Enrollment is moving to San Diego.  She is taking a title and pay cut and will be working for Jim.  She stated that since she moved to AZ (about 30 years ago) she has wanted to leave the state.  Now she has the opportunity for the company to pay for it.  I would love to work for Jim, so I can’t blame her for doing it.  She stated that there becomes a time in your life where money isn’t as important as happiness.  I’m not there yet, I still want the money.  I’ll be there someday though.  Well, who do you think is next in line and will very likely become a director?  Cookie.  She is perfect for the job, and although she has to interview with a VP of Corp Ops (who we both used to report to) and a few directors first (our friends), an Executive VP next(an old ex-military guy), an HR VP (kinda mean) after that, then the CEO (great, smart, amazing, charasmatic guy), I know she can handle it and will be successful.  She is just that good.  And the overwhelming support she has gotten from the current director(our friend), as well as other directors(other friends), VPs(ex-boss and friend of our friends), and even the staff that would be reporting to her is great.  I think she’s got it pegged, but I don’t want to jinx it.  She was excited today because she was going to buy suits to get her all ready.  She is looking forward to the process, which is a great sign.


     


    I sent the following e-mail to Jim the other day:


     


    Just to fill you in, your fan club is growing.  I have an online journal that I post to, and a few close people read the inner most secrets of my life.  A few of whom work, (and used to work) at TW. 


     


    Well, some of these people have these web logs too, and although I mention you often, I just wanted to fill you in on their thoughts:


     


    I'm glad Saturday is over. We had all day training for the new employees. Yeh big production. In short, we pulled it off. It was like an odd union of field and corporate employees. Training, HR, CCC. I got to experience the greatest that is Jim. He gained a few more fans - and I'm sure he does have a fan club. I'm not so much wowed as everyone else but yeh, he is charismatic to say the least.


     


    They went on later to talk about the tulips and such, but that was your section.  Give them time and I'm sure they'll be completely "wowed".  You rock, just wanted you to know that others think so too.  And in case you didn't know, if there is a fan club, I'd be the leader! 


     


    See you when you get back to Phoenix.  Take Care.


     


    He stated that he didn’t want to be a subject in life, that he wants to be a participant.  He appreciated the sentiments, and found it valuable to know that his efforts were on the right track.  He asked more about the online journal, which I filled him in on (minus the link), and apologized if I was difficult at work lately, because the stress was killing me.  Although the author of the comments (Kolohegirl) was floored that I would send him such a thing, I couldn’t resist filling him in.  I was just having the conversation the other day, that I don’t know anybody that doesn’t like him.  He just has that charm and charisma, and he is a great guy to work with.  Him, like Terry, and even Eric sometimes are just great to be around.


     


    Well, I haven’t heard from Terry, and we have some catching up to do on some work stuff.  I’m trying to leave him alone this weekend so he can spend some quality time with his fiancé.  I’d like to go out to dinner with him some night.  We can chat more about wine and other things, and it would be a great conversation.  We joked about Maria (You’reTooWhiteForMe’s boss) having a last name that was French, and he spoke of the few things he knew could say in French.  He stated that there was even a wine named ménage a trois.  It makes one wonder how it got its name.  I’m sure it’s just a mixture of three berries or something, not as exciting as one would hope.  I had a busy day on Friday, and I didn’t CC him on any of the e-mails that I sent.  So I have a lot to fill him in on when I do talk to him.  There have been few work e-mails floating around, so it looks like I’m not the only one taking the weekend off (well, at least working very minimally).


     


    Okay, it’s almost 2:00 am.  Hey, tomorrow (Monday) is my birthday!  I’m going to call it a night and get into my nice comfy bed.  Sweet Dreams…

April 8, 2004

  • Well, I’ll take a few minutes before going to bed.  I should start by apologizing to those that attempt to talk to me everyday.  I’ve admittedly put work first, as I feel it is a time in which I need to prove myself.  I’m not sure that I’m succeeding, but I refuse to give up.  April 26th.  Granted, that is just the first date, as next will be 6/1, then 7/1 then 10/1 but the first is the one where we, as a company, need to prove ourselves.  Prove that the 10 billion dollars the taxpayers are giving us is going to help the members and families that defend our country.  We must succeed.  It is nothing personal against those that I normally talk to, it’s just that there are things that I have to get done, and it is taking 12-15 hour days to get it done.  But again, if your life is falling apart, and you don’t have anybody there for you, let me know, as then work can wait.  I will make you a priority.


     


    Date from hell, part II?  No, not yet.  You’reTooWhiteForMe called and asked to go out again.  Well, and I got a little pep talk from Batlover, and she reminded me of how I felt during the last date.  Well, I became someone else.  So, when I talked to her, she made a comment about me thinking she was easy.  Well, I don’t, and I’m not even looking for that.  But it didn’t stop me from coming back with: “if you sucked something else, as well as you sucked my wallet dry we’d be having a different conversation.”  Yeah, I was just as floored I said it as was she.  No, she didn’t hang up.  Instead, she talked to me for another 40 minutes.  Before we started hanging out with each other a few months back, I clarified that we were going as friends.  Well, somewhere along the line she must have changed her mind.  Now she has all this talk about “kissing” and “being easy”.  She has issues.  And I thought I had them.  I can assure her there will be no kissing, and I will never know if she is easy…


     


    JenJen called tonight.  She asked me for my address.  Subtle.  I can always count on a card from her.  I remember when I was with her, we both said that we would hold a special place in our hearts for each other.  I believe people say that all the time to others, the difference is with us, it is really there.  And we both see it.  Easter will be here soon, and if she didn’t remind me, I wouldn’t know until I tried going to the store that day.  I remember again why I don’t like being single: holiday’s suck.  They force you to remind yourself that you are single.  I suppose next time I am in a relationship I will appreciate those days even more.


     


    I took a little break from work tonight to watch Solaris.  It was on HBO in HDTV and in Dolby 5.1 so I couldn’t resist.  I ended up working during it anyway, but it was still nice to have a “crap movie” playing in the background.  It was visually stunning, and I liked the music.  The movie ended with more questions than answers, but that was okay…


     


    I was a little perplexed last night, as I sent an e-mail to provide a status update on the Desktop Application.  However, I got a lot of e-mails back mentioning the time (I had sent the e-mail at about 11 pm).  Which I guess is late.  However, I’ve been sending e-mails at that time for the past few weeks.  Terry stated it’s just because this audience is new.  I was just a little pissed because I’ve been working my ass off, and they are just now making a comment here or there.  I need to learn to accept the compliment, and move on.  Kolohegirl has learned to accept her compliments, maybe she could teach me?


     


    When I was leaving for lunch today, there was a roadrunner that was outside.  I saw a bird chasing after it.  The bird was making this horrendous sound, and thanks to Dr. B, she was able to explain it all.  She stated that the roadrunner was going after the nest of the bird, and the bird was defending its territory.  However, it was quite obvious that the bird was no match, and the roadrunner knew that.  It was still entertaining watching nature at work.  Again, abre los ojos.  That seems to be a theme lately…


     


    Speaking of the Spanish language.  Farah caught a glimpse of me online the other day at work.  She wanted to know what Xanga was.  And she has been nothing but inquisitive ever since.  If she only knew the few times that I’d mentioned her.  She brought her yearbook in for me to see.  It was amazing all the people that I knew.  And this was from a school I didn’t go to.  It was nice to reminisce for a few moments…


     


    Well, she’s still gone.  She’s called once, and I’m still alive.  Was there any doubts?  I listen to Aura several times a day.  I’m dealing without her.  I knew I could.  I think so many things, but I choose not to write them.  Simply put, I miss her…

April 5, 2004

  • Well, I got my feet wet today, literally.  Abre los ojos.  Ask and you shall receive.  I went and did that ride along with Jay.  It was an eye opening experience.  It was very humbling.  It made me think about a lot of things I don’t often think about.  I got a taste of a different world.  Many different worlds actually.  We were on three calls.  The first of which gave me an idea of the environment we were in.  I’m a snob.  So it was really an experience to see the places in which these people lived.  She was a larger woman, and she was having abdominal pain.  I had only been at the station for a few minutes before we got the call.  In fact, I was still in the bay looking at the trucks and I hadn’t even got inside.  I was still trying to get a feel for where I should stand, as my biggest concern was being in the way.  Back to the lesson I learned from this first trip, was that every person has their own environment.  It was humbling to see the conditions in which people lived.  I don’t know how they do it, but that is because I am a snob, and I just don’t know any better.


     


    The second call took place while we were in line at Subway, and ironically, the call was to Panda Express.  We headed over there to find a boy that was probably 3 years old.  He had been choking on his food.  He was fine by the time we got there though.  The grandpa performed the Heimlich to help clear his air path.  And it was nothing that a tour of the fire truck couldn’t handle.  That was the emotional call.  Seeing the grandparents shaken up.  Seeing that little boy, and realizing what these firefighters go through everyday.


     


    The third call took place as Jay and I were just resting in the bay, watching the storm blow in from the east.  The call came in and we were headed to my next lesson.  People are ridiculous.  It was a teenage female assaulted by another female.  Well, the assaulted female was 8 months pregnant.  She was born in 1984 and was having her third baby.  Ironically, as we were there with the police, the show Cops was playing on the TV.  After leaving, and some drama about the hospital not taking anymore patients, we got her in there.  Jay was livid.  It was kinda funny watching him bitch about the nurses.  Being at the hospital reminded me of what it was like when I used to work at one.  I worked in medical records, and interpreted for the deaf.  I liked going to the different hospitals and doctors offices to sign.  That was back in the day, before I started in with all this computer crap.


     


    As if my eyes weren’t opened enough from the events of today, while sitting there at the station, we watched Bowling for Columbine on TV.  I’ve seen it several times before, but I watch it every time it is on.  I won’t even start in on my thoughts there…


     


    I need nicknames for these people.  Jay, Lisa, Lauren.  Oh, I have one for Lauren, it’s Surfer Barbie.  Yeah, the Good Rob thought of that while we were at Macayo’s.  Yes, again.  He’s going to be heading off to Florida.  He hasn’t told anyone that yet at Macayo’s though.  He was a good server, it’ll suck to have to deal with anyone else.  He hooked us up when we were there, but of course, we made it up to him with the tip.


     


    I saw Dawn of The Dead yesterday too.  The midnight showing at Arizona Mills.  It was really good.  It creeped me out pretty well.  It’s tough because I enjoy every movie, to know what other people think, but again, I liked it.  And I want to see it again sometime.  Sometimes it’s the crowd at the late showings there that make the whole experience.  They are just too funny.  Oh, and there was a mouse in the theatre.  That made it even better.


     


    I had a nice drive home from Avondale.  Nothing is better than listening to Aura on a pretty evening on a nice long drive.  No phone calls, nothing.  Just me, the road, and the soothing music.


     


    We’ll see if tomorrow goes better than last Monday.  I have meetings from 7:30am – 10:30am.  And I just finished up several hours worth of work tonight.  It was surprising, while I was there today, all my other thoughts and concerns drifted away.  For I was in another world.  One in which I saw things outside of my little realm.  I recommend the same to all of you: Abre los ojos.

April 3, 2004

  • My post from Monday is still very accurate.  As work hasn’t changed all that much.  In fact, I actually stopped working to take time to post this.  Work got worse before it got any better.  I’m tired of the long hours and the stress.  I know I can do stuff about it, but it is one thing to say something, it’s another to do it.  And I don’t like disappointing anybody.  So, it’s hard to tell people at work that I can’t do something.  I’m just exhausted, and I feel bad for Lisa that I wasn’t good company today at brunch.  My mind is just elsewhere.


     


    Oh, and as if Terry wasn’t good enough, he writes poems for his girlfriend too.  Yeah, he is all that and a bag of chips.  I need to remember to give him a list of my movies for his next trip.  He is smart, because unlike Kolohegirl, he comes home every weekend before going back the next week.  At least he gets some time with his girlfriend.  She can’t possibly be to happy with him having to be gone all week.  I’ve talked to him a lot lately, even more so on a personal level.  I can’t believe I can have so much to talk about with somebody so much older than me.  He just fascinates me too.  I just find these people, like Jim, or Eric, and just watch in awe to everything they have to say.


     


    Oh, and horses run wild in America.  Good to know.  You can even adopt one.  For cheap (just over $100).  Sometimes I realize that all I see is my little window in the world.  Abre los ojos.  Open your eyes.  Sometimes that’s what I need to do.  Maybe I ought to join Batlover in that international volunteering effort.  Get me out, realize that there is more to life than love, movies, and work.


     


    Okay, back to my little world: Scrubs can provide deep thoughts.  I just love that show.  It can hit you on all kinds of different levels.  If it ever comes out on DVD I’m all over that.  Add it to my collection.


     


    And all the women are going to Texas.  First JB, now Maureen, and AprilLynn.  Well, for clarification, I don’t think Maureen is going to Texas.  She was the project manager that I spoke about awhile back.  She can be a pain, but she did a good job.  She did give Peter a kiss on either his cheek or his forehead before she left.  He and she had a serious love/hate relationship going on.  It was great working with her, and I wish her the best on her future endeavors.  I know I’ll here about AprilLynn’s trip, and about the cowboys, the cowboys, oh, and did I mention the cowboys?  Even over the web, I’m captivated by her…


     


    I got a call from JB on Friday.  It really caught me off guard.  I guess I just don’t expect to hear from her.  As much as I want to, I just figured I couldn’t.  It was really nice talking to her though, and I hope I’m always available when she calls.  Sometimes I just want to take back those Evanescence thoughts.  Like the “if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave”.  Because I really didn’t want her to leave, regardless of the fact that she had to. 


     


    I’ve found a few imperfections in Aura.  But such is life.


     


    Tigger is out on the patio, he watches the birds and the cute little bunnies.  It has got to bug him that they are right there and he can’t get to them.  He likes to lie out there.  The breeze is nice, and the cement is nice and cool.  There is another dog that lies up on the patio nearby.  They sit there and look at each other, and I wonder what they think.  I know what I think.  Any chance your owner is single and wants to go out for coffee?  She looked cute, but I’m not sure that she is single.  This morning, when I got back from brunch, she was walking her dog (I can’t remember his name), and you could tell she just rolled out of bed to take him out.  She had a Michigan sweatshirt on, and she was yawning every few steps and rubbing her face.  She looked like all she wanted to do was go back to bed.  I think women are very attractive when they look like that.  It just looks pure and true.  No makeup, no fancy outfits.  Just the real deal.  Just pure beauty.  I like that part.  Not that everything else isn’t great too, but I like to take time to appreciate that look with the one I love.


     


    Jay and Batlover have issues.  But those are their issues.  I try to help him out when I can, but ultimately it is up to him and her.  I’m supposed to do that ride along with him at the fire station.  I’m really curious what that is like.  I’ll probably feel like a fool, as I have no idea what the world is like (reference Mustangs in the wild in America).


     


    And my latest interest has been Farah.  Granted, she’s at work, and it’s just a fascination sort of thing.  I really wish I could find people that I have even the smallest interest in outside of work.  Problem is work is all I do.  Terry told me that there is nothing wrong with that.  In fact, he met his girlfriend at work.  This was at his last company, but still.  He’s 48, and who can argue with experience?  I digress.  Anyway, back to Farah.  Her and her cohort next to her, well, mostly her cohort, give me a hard time about JB.  But who doesn’t?  I mean, yeah, it was obvious.  But they never really know for sure.  And if they did know anything, they would never know to what extent I cared, as sometimes I’m not sure that anybody knows but me.  Tangent, again.  Anyway, back to Farah, again, she speaks fluent Spanish.  That totally caught me off guard.  She just doesn’t strike me as somebody to know it.  We’re in Arizona, where being white is a minority.  Well, maybe not, as I say that in jest, but my point is that most Spanish speaking individuals are Mexican.  And she has a Spain background.  Her mom is trilingual, as she knows French as well.  Anyway, well, my fascination continued when I found out she used to know a lot of people that I used to go to high school with.  One of which was her ex-boyfriend, who I thought was a jerk.  But there were others, and it was just amazing that she could know all of them, and not have gone to my school.  My graduating class was like 700 people.  There were thousands of people in that school.  And for my small little group of people that I knew, for her to know the same, was amazing.  Maybe I’m just easily amused.  But no worries, as I think she has a boyfriend.  So, I’ll continue to be fascinated by her, and that’ll be it.


     


    Communications with Christy have continued these past few weeks.  We exchange e-mails quite often.  It’s nice because I don’t feel as though I have to respond, it’s that I want to respond.  I take my sweet time, as I’m still crazy busy with work.  And sometimes it’s not until after 10 at night that I can, but I almost always do respond.  I’m still trying to figure her out though.  She seems like she has a front to her, and there is much more hidden behind what I see.  I’m not sure though.  And I’m not sure that it matters, as she, most certainly, has a boyfriend.  He’s a nice guy, but since the first time I met her, I didn’t think he paid enough attention to her, or gave her enough respect.  I don’t see the whole picture though.  I do see that he cares, but it just seems like she could be happier.  They had a tiff when they were out last night with us.  I was really looking forward to going when I knew she would be there (because nothing is hotter than an unavailable woman!).  It was just good company, and even he was fun to talk with.  I tried to keep them happy with each other, but after awhile, I gave up.  I then had to leave, because I felt uncomfortable.  Out of place.  I kind of felt that way the whole evening, but when Christy was unhappy, I just didn’t want to be there anymore, as there wasn’t going to be anything I could do.  She stated everything was fine, but I didn’t believe her.  The smile had drifted off her face.  Her beauty was still there, but it wasn’t the same as when I had first arrived.


     


    I talked to Kolohegirl on my way home that night, as I try to talk to her every night.  Lisa’s kids were still up playing Ninja Gaiden when I stopped by her house.  I would love to play football, basketball or even do something else every weekend with them.  Even video games would be fun.  Keep myself youthful.  We were going to play the game Halo all together last time Jay was there.  I haven’t played video games in a longtime.  Well, with the exception of Ms. Pac-Man when I was drunk at Macayo’s with Batlover.  I’m supposed to go there tonight with Lisa.  Not sure if I’m going to do that or not.  I have a headache.  All day I’ve had one.  I spent $70 at Petsmart for Tiggeroni today.  And Lisa was worried I was going to call her Jen.  I bought a beer and some chips and salsa last night.  The waitress, Nicole, who was totally hot by the way, comped the chips and salsa.  So, all I had was my $4 beer.  Well, the tab came, and I paid 55.08 (including tip).  That’s an expensive beer!  Well, TDM had his stuff on there, and I owed Lisa money I’m sure.  And I did tell TDM that I would buy him a drink sometime.  So, it’s all good.  Lisa was just so funny today, as she didn’t want me to call her Jen.  I don’t know that anybody sees how much Lisa cares for her friends, and how much she wants to really care for that special someone.  I just hope she finds the one soon, so she can put all that love to use while she has it.  The worst thing that could happen is that she becomes a bitter old woman because she hasn’t found “the one”.  Lisa has too much love for that.  I’d hate to see it go to waste.  Until then, she should give it to her kids.  They need it more than anyone else.


     


    Thanks to all for the kind words of support.  I know I could easily delete the post, or even restrict it so only I, or a few others could see it.  But that wouldn’t be right, as that is not me.  As the Goo Goo Dolls put it: “I want you to know who I am”.


     


    The rain was really pretty Thursday night and Friday.  I just wish I had turned off the two lights I had on and lit my Stormwatch candles.  I had the patio door open so I could listen to it, and the breeze felt really nice.  It was just perfect.  Well, almost, if only she was here to enjoy it with me.  That would have been perfect. 

March 29, 2004

  • Fuck it.  If I admit that I have co-dependency issues will somebody just come to the rescue so I can live my life happily ever after?  Today’s the toughest it’s been yet.  And although I just wish my issues were limited to just her leaving.  It’s everything.  I feel I could scream out loud at the top of my lungs but it won’t make a difference.  What I want I can’t have.  I don’t need somebody to call to check in, I don’t need somebody to tell me it’ll be okay.  I want someone to help me make it okay.  As much as I jest about the two psychotics in TPR, I’m just the same as them.  It just takes me longer to get to that point.  I’m overwhelmed.  I don’t know that I can do it anymore.  Jerry Maguire said it was a breakdown, and then called it a break through.  For me it is just a breakdown.  I just have too much going on.  I don’t even know where to start.  I want to crawl in a dark place and hide.  People say things like that all the time, but I so want it right now.  I just have so many issues I don’t know where to start.  I can’t believe I’m taking the time to post this.  What, so I can look back on how pathetic and fucked up I was on this day?  What’s the point in that?  So everybody else can see the same?  Great.  Just what I need.  To feel like a fucking idiot in front of those that I care about.  I’m human, I have my issues too.  I’m beyond the point of tears.  I feel like the oldest 24 year old I know.  I feel 10 years older than I am.  Sometimes I even look it.  I don’t know what to do.  Is it organization?  Is it time management?  Is it that I’m just fucked up in the head and there is nothing that can make a difference?  I’m sorry, but no comment is going to do this justice.  Not a, “anything I can do to help”, not a “you just need to not worry so much”, nothing.  There is a million things that I can do to make things better.  What is first on the list?  The important stuff?  What the hell is important?  And if I spent all my time on the important stuff, if it took forever to do, what about all those other things that could have gotten done if I took the two seconds needed to do them?  Does everybody at work feel like this?  Is everybody at this point and I just don’t know how to deal with it?  Does everybody’s life outside of work get to this point at one time or another and it is just me, again, that doesn’t know what the hell to do to get through it?  I’m just so tired.  Exhausted.  Mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I don’t know what to do.  I need help.  Fucking give me drugs, a psychologist, a fucking assistant, sex, whatever the fuck I need to make things better.  Because nothing is working so far.  And I don’t know how much time is left…


     


     


    Okay, I took a deep breath.  I’m going to do one better.  Here is the shit that I need to do, in no particular order:


     


    Clean this place


    Update Provider Automation test strategy document with changes from Eileen


    Get vacuum bags


    Find a way to pay the rent (not enough money)


    Provider Automation FileNet contracts to net subs-business requirements


    Find a way to pay my cell phone bill (not enough money)


    Organize my expenses


    Probably borrow money since I don’t have any


    Fix the fucking car


    Call Sprint, as they are going to try and charge me on Thur, not Fri.


    Show Program Integrity the Desktop App


    CMAC is TMAC – let somebody know for CTMU


    Get the oil changed


    Check the versions of VC in Provider Services


    Update VC for those users necessary


    Provide ability to take Credit Card payments for all users in CCC


    Top 20 desktop application conditions for CCC to Queer Eye


    Create enhancement requests for CTMU


    Document system problem reports and log for CDST


    Document system problem reports and log for CTMU


    Do my expense report from my trip to Wisconsin


    Highlight work calls


    Expense my last 2 cell phone bills ($200 each)


    Get new tires


    Document Provider Automation User Acceptance Test Conditions


    Plan for next week’s trip to Wisconsin.


    Do my taxes


    Make sure all my bills are being paid


    Perhaps find a different job?


    Get new brakes


    Clean Tigger’s ears


    Create Desktop Application Test Conditions


    Talk to Kari about her intranet questions


    Document the solutions for Jim


    Provide Desktop application user ID info to Program Integrity


    Install theft database for Terri


    Get with business units to determine CDST issues


    Update task list


    Fix my computer


    Create status reports for the last month and a half for Ann


    Give the mail to Mom


    Update my address with businesses


    Send my dad a thank you card


    Give movie list to Terry


    Get a loan to buy the fucking car


    Talk to Steve about Admin functions on Desktop application


    Document CDST issues


     


    I apologize for the profuse cussing, but it helps me vent.  If you don’t like it, don’t read it.  I’m sorry.


     


    What the fuck happened to me that I am the way I am?  Why would anybody want to be with somebody who can’t even keep their own shit together?  But hey, I know the difference between There, Their and They’re.  Oh, and I know allot is spelled “a lot”, not alot or allot.  I mean, what the fuck good will that do anybody?  I’m crazy.  I came home to work.  And I just want to dream.  That’s all I ever wanted.  Vanilla Sky.  The lucid dream option….Please

March 28, 2004

  • I like the quote I see on AprilLynn's site.  "By the time I recognize this moment...this moment will be gone..."


     


    Philip Glass did the music in Taking Lives.  His music is good, but it can be awfully strange.  I’m watching The Truman Show right now.  It’s amazing how many people thought this movie was not worth their time.  The character played by Ed Harris, I believe is portrayed to most as the villain.  I just don’t see him that way in the movie.  I just seem to be able to relate to what he does.  There is a part of me that has always wanted to be a producer.  Most of you know that besides the JB that I’m in love with, there is another JB.  And no, not me, I’m not the JB I’m referring to either.  It’s the JB that JenJen and I split for.  Okay, not really, there was many reasons her and I split up, but that wasn’t the point of this.  Jerry Bruckheimer.  You know, the guy that makes movies for guys who like movies?  Here’s a list of what he’s done and doing:


     


    1. Glory Road (2005) (announced) (producer)


    2. Pirates of the Caribbean 2 (2005) (announced) (producer)


    3. National Treasure (2004) (post-production) (producer)


    4. King Arthur (2004) (post-production) (producer)


    5. "Amazing Race 5, The" (2004) TV Series (executive producer)


    6. "C.S.I.: New York" (2004) TV Series (executive producer)


    7. "Fearless" (2004) TV Series (co-producer) (executive producer)


    8. "Skin" (2003) TV Series (executive producer)


    9. "Cold Case" (2003) TV Series (executive producer)


    10. Bad Boys II (2003) (producer)


    11. Veronica Guerin (2003) (producer)


    12. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) (producer)


    13. "Amazing Race 4, The" (2003) TV Series (executive producer)


    14. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (2003) (VG) (executive producer)


    15. "Profiles from the Front Line" (2003) TV Series (executive producer)


    16. Kangaroo Jack (2003) (producer)


    17. "Amazing Race 3, The" (2002) TV Series (executive producer)


    18. "Without a Trace" (2002) TV Series (executive producer)


    19. "CSI: Miami" (2002) TV Series (executive producer)


    20. Bad Company (2002) (producer)


    ... aka Ceská spojka (2002) (Czech Republic)


    21. "Amazing Race 2, The" (2002) TV Series (executive producer)


    22. Black Hawk Down (2001) (producer)


    23. "Amazing Race, The" (2001) TV Series (executive producer)


    24. Pearl Harbor (2001) (producer)


    ... aka Pearl Harbour (2001) (UK: promotional title)


    25. "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" (2000) TV Series (executive producer)


    ... aka "C.S.I." (2000) (USA: short title)


    26. Remember the Titans (2000) (producer)


    27. Coyote Ugly (2000) (producer)


    28. Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000) (producer)


    29. Swing Vote (1999) (TV) (executive producer)


    ... aka Ninth Justice, The (1999) (TV) (Australia: video title)


    30. Max Q (1998) (TV) (executive producer)


    ... aka Max Q: Emergency Landing (1998) (TV) (USA)


    31. Enemy of the State (1998) (producer)


    32. Armageddon (1998) (producer)


    33. "Soldier of Fortune, Inc." (1997) TV Series (executive producer)


    ... aka "S.O.F. Special Ops Force" (1997) (USA: second season title)


    ... aka "S.O.F., Inc." (1997)


    ... aka "SOF, Inc." (1997)


    34. Con Air (1997) (producer)


    35. Rock, The (1996) (producer)


    36. Dangerous Minds (1995) (producer)


    37. Crimson Tide (1995) (producer)


    38. Bad Boys (1995) (producer)


    39. Ref, The (1994) (executive producer)


    ... aka Hostile Hostages (1994)


    40. Days of Thunder (1990) (producer)


    41. Beverly Hills Cop II (1987) (producer)


    42. Top Gun (1986) (producer)


    43. Thief of Hearts (1984) (producer)


    44. Beverly Hills Cop (1984) (producer)


    45. Flashdance (1983) (producer)


    46. Young Doctors in Love (1982) (producer)


    47. Cat People (1982) (executive producer)


    48. Thief (1981) (producer)


    ... aka Violent Streets (1981)


    49. Defiance (1980) (producer)


    50. American Gigolo (1980) (producer)


    51. March or Die (1977) (producer)


    52. Farewell, My Lovely (1975) (producer)


    53. Culpepper Cattle Company, The (1972) (associate producer)
    ... aka Dust, Sweat and Gunpowder (1972) (Australia)


     


    If you actually took the time to read the above list, you will see that it is a pretty impressive list.  I don’t need to provide too many statistics, but his box office gross is over a billion dollars.  When I was in High School, I was a producer for the television announcements.  Back then, just like I feel I do now at work, I tried hard to make leaps and bounds for progress.  Then, it was for the school, now, it is for my company.  I actually got us to the point where we were doing the announcements live, and actually got it to the point where we could go “on location” to different areas within the school.  I would combine a few recorded segments in the middle of the broadcast, just so we could have a mixture of things. 


     


    At work, I’ve helped set up methods to remove almost any paper process.  I set up processes that moved the company forward and into the 21st century.  I mean, the stuff seemed obvious to me, but to those above me, they thought the ideas were groundbreaking.  They must not get out much.  I think it is my accomplishments in this regard that has gotten me to the IT department.  It feels, well, almost like an honor.  It is what I was working for. 


     


    I just don’t know that I felt I succeeded back in High School.  I mean, I accomplished everything I wanted to in school, it just didn’t have a “payoff” if you will.  I wanted to make movies.  I wanted to oversee everything.  I wanted to help put all the pieces together, to make a film what it is.  A work of art.  It takes so many things working together in harmony to make a great film.  And that truly is a monumental task.  I feel I have that talent.  The problem is, the industry is saturated with those that think they have what it takes.  And even some of those that don’t, but want the money, fame, and fortune so bad they try anyway.  What’s funny, is that I looked up to the credits of the movie just now, and it said additional music by Philip Glass.  It’s amazing how I can recognize his work.  Even Cookie gained that ability after four years of being with me.  She loved me so much that she learned things just for me.  And I left her, so is it the whole what goes around comes around thing that happened here?  I’d have done anything for JB, but she still left me.  Is it because I did it to somebody first?  One can’t help but wonder. 


     


    Powaqqatsi is the movie that Philip Glass did the music to that just won’t leave me alone. 


    I found this on the internet, and although some of the thoughts are kind of gay and may be unrealistic, it is the thought that counts.  You know what’s funny, is that I never forward chain e-mails.  But here I am posting stupid crap for people to read.  I just think we need to exercise our minds.  Think outside the box.  Break free of the Matrix.


     


    1. Slip a handmade valentine or a simple note into your child's lunch box.


    2. Take a walk together in the woods or your favorite park.


    3. Jot down a line from your favorite poem. Share it with family members.


    4. Kiss your kids goodnight.


    5. Read a chapter book together.


    6. Have family dinnertime together.


    7. Turn off the TV. Have a pizza night and rent and watch a movie together.


    8. Have a picnic in the park after the soccer game instead of stopping for a fast meal on the way home.


    9. Have each family member write down one reason why they appreciate every other family member. Write your reasons on a tag and use ribbon to attach them to a batch of your favorite cookies. Let every family member find his own special cookies.


    10. Help your kids write a letter to a family member who lives far away. Write the first few lines of a story and instruct the recipient to write the next, and then return the letter. Your story can continue indefinitely.


     


    Like I said, some are cheesy, but it just reminds us that sometimes simple things can show somebody you care.  That’s what makes up life.  The relationships and people we get to know.  Well, now I’ve gotten myself into an emotional moment.  Just sitting here thinking about how I would love to be a father.  I want so bad to be a good father.  I thought at this point in my life I would be married, and planning on having kids soon.  Never would I have thought that I would be where I am.  When I first walked into the doors at my company, I remember thinking, there is no way I am going to work here.  I couldn’t imagine myself there.  But here I am.  Over four years later, still working there. I guess it comes back to never say never.  I never thought I’d like somebody with the same name as my sister, nor would I ever want to move to Texas, nor would I ever fall for somebody that works in a position in which I have influence on.  I hate the fact that I could play favorites.  As much as I like power and the ability to make things happen, it can be hard to have.  Things change though.  It’s time for bed.  The DVD menu has repeated a few dozen times because I haven’t shut it off. 


     


    Oh, and Jay cancelled on me, but I expected it, so I wasn’t too surprised.  He invited me to do a ‘ride along’ with him next Sunday.  I don’t really know how that works at a fire station, but we’ll see.  You learn something new everyday.  And on Saturday, I’m going to help his sister move, then we are going to play basketball with Lisa’s kids.  That is provided I survive this week at work.  If nothing else, I need a woman in my life so I can forget about work.  I enjoyed lunch and shopping today with Batlover.  And I’m happy to hear that I provide an emotional intimacy of a relationship that she can’t get from anywhere else.  Well, for right now at least.  I hope he doesn’t get his third strike.  I defended him today, but a lot of it was just trying to understand how things are.  Time will tell…


     


    One last note before I go, Kolohegirl, thanks for your comments.  They are truly appreciated and I honestly get excited everytime I see that I have one.  I hope the merlot meets up with it’s intended recipient too someday.  And no worries about my chances with Corrina Corrina, I can screw things up better than anybody else ever could.  I mean, look, the fact that I call her Corrina Corrina because all of us were too drunk to remember her name should be sign enough!  Clarice, Linda, Carlinda, Clarinda?  Something like that.  My bet is on the last one.  And if all my chances were always ruined like that, it may be worth it.   Thanks though sweetie…


     


    Anyway, I’m going to get to bed now, its sleepy time for real.  I have to take Tigger for a walk, but then I’m out. Howard Stern better be on the air tomorrow or I might just fly to DC to smack the FCC upside the head.  Sweet Dreams…

  • I was awoken this morning by my sister telling me that donuts would soon be available at my mom’s house.  The family was getting together to have breakfast.  So, I headed over and had myself some potatoes, eggs, toast, and, of course donuts.  We even had some fresh grapefruit juice straight from the trees in the backyard.  We watched NASCAR, as they did half mile laps, 500 times (how exciting).  My uncle is wearing a shirt that says “A beer a day, keeps the bod this way”.  He is so funny.  He’s like 50 years old, a Wisconsin beer drinker with the belly to prove it, and he’s just got the best attitude towards life.  I have no complaints of him.


     


    As I stated the other day, my niece and nephews grandparents, and great-grandma is in town.  The great-grandma is 90 years old.  No wheelchair, no walker, she just eats chocolate, and ice cream.  That’s what she says her secret was.  She has a little problem hearing, but I’ve seen much worse.  She’s got a great sense of humor too.  She stated that she belongs to 5 bridge clubs, as it keeps her mind going.  She thinks it is important to keep her mind going or else she’ll lose it.  I think she may be right.  Dr. B. will live forever in that case. 


     


    I read more on AprilLynn’s site today.  I’ve read about a month’s worth of posts.  She talks about school, piercing her eyebrow, and about her boyfriend (becoming an ex at the time).  It was funny how she talked about quoting movie lines, but it was even better when she used Tommy Boy as an example.  Tommy Boy was a great movie.  And if you are from Wisconsin, it is appreciated even more.


     


    One of these days I might start using the “Now Reading”, or “Now Playing” or even the review features on Xanga.  Only problem is, I’m always reading the same damn book, or I’m listening to the same music.  And for my reviews, I’d give everything 5 stars.  As there isn’t a movie I don’t like. 


     


    When my sister woke me up, I remember her mentioning something about a picture.  Well, when I got to my mom’s, I saw the picture to which she was referring.  It was a Polaroid on the refrigerator (or ice box if you are Kolohegirl), it is of me when I was probably 3 years old.  I’m wearing a shirt, with no pants.  And somebody decided to snap a picture.  So you can see me, and my twig and berries, at the nice age of three.  I’d post it for you all to see, but the cops would be at my door as some sick twisted individual would find it erotic.  I through in a couple of sick comebacks though, such as, “it’s grown so much since then, we need an updated picture, where’s the camera?” 


     


    I remember when I was in High School, one day my mom took my grandma downtown to the bus station so she could catch the bus to Laughlin for a few days.  Well, when she came back, I was busted because I hadn’t left for school yet, and I was running late.  Well, surprisingly, she wasn’t too upset, and then she opened the back door to the car.  And on the floorboard was a cute little puppy.  She said he was at the station, and that she was with a homeless man.  She said she could have brought either of them home, but she chose the dog.  My mom stated that she asked the homeless man if the dog was his, and he stated no, and that the dog just kind of wandered around for the last few weeks.  She was only a few weeks old at the time.  So, she brought her home.  When I got home from school, I promptly took her to the vet.  I didn’t have any money, but they still managed to take her in.  They cleaned hundreds of ticks from her ears and her body.  Poor dog.  They gave me some food, and some medicine, and I didn’t have to pay a cent, which was really nice.  We got her home and played with her for some time.  My mom kept calling her “mutt” as he was obviously a mixture of breeds.  Well, I took it one step farther and named her “Le Mutt”.  I had a stuffed animal that I grew up with, and on the tag was “Le Mutt”.  I love that stuffed animal, in fact, I still have it.  He would be in better shape, but Cookie decided to wash him one day, and his eyes didn’t fare too well.  No worries, he is still adorable to me.  Le Mutt is just the coolest.  She knows several tricks now, including roll over.  Of course now I know that in comparison to many other dogs, she may not know a ton, but for being young, I was really impressed.  She just has the best temperament.  Well, one day, somebody forgot to shut the gate all the way, and of course, Le Mutt took herself for a walk.  But didn’t come back.  She used to come back, but she hadn’t been at the house for very long in order to know how to get back to where she was.  We made signs, and I printed about a hundred or more color copies.  Yeah, not the best use of the color laser printer at work, but it was a good cause.  Well, the kids went door to door for awhile, and placed signs everywhere, but nothing ever turned up.  Then, almost 3 weeks later, we start calling the ads in the paper about found dogs.  Most of them turned out to be dead ends.  But one lady, said she had spoke to another lady who had found a dog, which matched the description.  Well, she dug the number out of her trash, and I gave the lady a call.  And although she described the dog as a Beagle (Le Mutt is like a German Shepard), I figured what the heck, I’ll take a look.  Not to mention the fact that it was a long ass way away from the house in Scottsdale.  It was Le Mutt.  I guess she had walked several miles to an underground parking structure.  And from there, a lady gave the dog to her sister who lived even farther away, in the opposite direction.  Well, Le Mutt spent a good several weeks with her.  And this lady really cared for the dog.  I felt bad taking her, as I could tell she really had cared for the dog.  Le Mutt is a sweetie.  She just loves to be near people, and is really well mannered.  Well, she is home sweet home, and the kids were happy to see her.  It was just pure luck that the lady had talked to this other lady, and that she still had the information from several days earlier.  A lot of things had to come together to make it happen, and sometimes I wonder if there wasn’t more at work than I am aware…


     


    News Flash: Jay is flawed.  I couldn’t believe it.  Yeah, well, he and I are going to hang out tonight.  I went out to lunch with Batlover today, and she filled me in on him and her.  Then we went shopping at the mall.  It was nice.  I’m tired now, and I have a TON of shit to do for work, ah, but all is well.  It’ll get done, and if not, I might be lucky enough to have to find another job.  I’m with Christy, her and I will become professional talk show guests.  I could really do well on stupid shows like that.  But I’d have to start watching them to learn what I need to do.


     


    I found out what Kolohegirl means when she refers to MPO.  (her name)…packing… ordeal.  I laughed forever.  I can’t believe she has such an issue with packing.  Then again, she is going to Tacoma for three weeks.  That would kinda suck.  I’d just take 3 weeks worth of clothes, but that’s just me.  I don’t do laundry while on trips.  Problem is, I don’t think I have three weeks of clothes.  I have about 2 weeks worth though…


     


    I watched that Metallica S&M DVD that I have the other day.  I wanted to hear No Leaf Clover.  First in 5.1 surround sound, then just the band version, then just the symphony version.  It’s cool to hear the different mixes of the song.  Jay reminded me it was on there that way, so I had to go back and listen to it.  I thought it was a great idea that Metallica, Michael Kamen, and the San Francisco symphony orchestra did that.  I can only imagine that there were conflicts, I mean, you are bringing together two different worlds, but it was really amazing to listen to.  A lot of people say that they like all kinds of music, but I find it rare that people do.  Even I have some preferences, but I really do like all kinds of music.  I’m not big on knowing artists, I just like the music.  I’m totally in the mood to listen to Fantasia in DTS 5.1 now too.


     


    Well, I’ve survived this long.  It’s hard, but having those around me has really helped.  And Aura has been very comforting.  I’ll survive, as I always do.  Hope all is well.  Best Wishes…