There are times I go back and forth on whether or not I'd be a good dad.  I really wish I knew I could be, but at the same time I worry I'd be like my father.  I don't want to bash on him, but I think a better job could be done.  Everybody does the best they can, and I do appreciate what he did provide for us (and what he still does provide).  I just don't want to be angry with my kids.  I see me getting frustrated easy, and I don't want to take it out on them. 

It's a pain in the ass to watch kids.  Especially a niece and nephews.  I can't even get each of them to sit down and read.  All Jordan does is giggle and cause problems with the other one.  All Tim does is forget his homework at school.  Beau is good, but he gets frustrated when he doesn't want to do something anymore (like each of us).  I don't think this is going to work.  I want to help, but I guess I need to be patient.  This is only day 1.  They don't know my plan yet, but I guess it is going well.  They are reading.  Kinda.

I know I had a ton of stuff to write on here that I just hadn't.  My thoughts on Kennedy (since November 22nd just passed), I had some political comments that I wanted to touch on, as the assclown is still president.  I also wanted to write about how great I think Jimmy Carter was during his time.

What is interesting, is in the "break time" that the Mormon girl at work had in her life for all her partying to happen, she did way more stuff than I've done in my entire life.  I'm nowhere near all the stuff she did in her timeframe.

I gave Karen (and therefore Sam) the link to this.  That will be interesting.  She wants me to write them in.  Like they are characters in a book or something.  Hmmm....how to write them in.  Like lovers?  Or perhaps like evil neighbors that hate each other and leave shit on each others cars?  Well, maybe somewhere in the middle.  Shit ends up on cars (usually my own) and as for the getting it on...well, the dogs kind of take care of that.  Karen's dog (Jack Bauer) is a sexual predator.  He selectively humps certain dogs all the time.  And if that dog is out of reach, apparently the couch will do.  I swear at one point I was going to be covered in Jack Jizz.  Gross.

I told Jim at DQ that I'd help him out during the holiday season.  Only for a few days here and there, but since they haven't had any applications come through I figured it couldn't hurt.  We'll see if I can stand the place 10 years later.

I need to call Shaz back.  She left me a message the other night and I haven't called her back yet.  It was a busy day.  I slept in for an hour and got into work just after 9.  I had a call right away with WPS, then a lunch meeting with for an hour and a half over our fax system, then a department meeting, then we went out for happy hour.  Didn't give me much time to get actual work done.  MG2 is just starting dinner.  She was watching Dr. Phil when I got home.  Parents pushing their kids really hard to become superstars. 

It's going to be hard to believe the K-Girl is going to be out of work on maternity leave.  I hope she enjoys her time off with her new love.

I was going back over all my posts last night.  Just a quick review over the past few years.  Pretty interesting read.  Pretty funny too.  I could make a drinking game out of it if I counted all my "..." or all the times I said "I haven't posted in awhile" or "I've been busy".  I noticed I have a lot of "should have" or "need to" phrases in there.

I guess MG2 really has read pretty much all of my posts.  She hasn't left me yet.  It'll be nice if I ever get the journal brought in house because then I can set up some permissions groups.  I think it'll make leaving comments easier too.  It'll still have all the benefits I have now like email posting and stuff.  Only concern is that space and stuff will be on my server instead of on the Xanga server.  I've got plenty of space on Xanga, not so much on my own.  Not worried though, I can get that figured out.  I was having a problem posting using frontpage, but I think we have that figured out too.  In the interim I've had to use FTP.

I was really pissed off yesterday because I went to McDonald's with Cookie specifically to get a Dr. Pepper and they gave me a Coke.  Of course, I didn't find that out until I got back to work.  McDonald's was the last thing I ate before my surgery last year, so needless to say, I don't eat there anymore.  Even though the surgery had nothing to do with the food, it's just one of those things.  I still get the Dr. Pepper, just not the fries.

I'll be adding Zach's link as one of my favorite links on the site, but again, I still don't know what to do about the songs and lyrics.  I also want to do something with the Aura songs.

I want to go to a Suns game this year.  They are fun, as are the Rattler games.  We'll see.  Usually I can get some tickets to games from work, but not usually Suns tickets.  Plenty of Diamondbacks tickets.

I started making a wish list for things I want for Christmas, but I'm not a very cheap person on my wish list.  Everything is like bluetooth headphones, bluetooth headset, satellite radio, IPod Nano, 400 disc Sony DVD changer, a couple 250 Gig hard drives.  You know, the necessities.

I want to work from home on Monday.  I need a day to stay at home and get stuff done.

Looks like dinner is ready.  Suns are just starting their third quarter...Nash is an amazing player.  He got married at the Royal Palms last year.  My brother was working there at the time.  He moved back to Wisconsin just after that.

Okay, dinner really is ready now....

And to top it all off, she taught me me a new sex position. It totally rocked my world. She claimed it was all instict. Now I don't even remember what I was whining about earlier. Amazing how that works...

Well, as a complete surprise to me, MG2 decided to go to the grocery store to get some things that were on sale for just the remainder of tonight.  That gives me at least a few moments to just myself, the dogs, and my thoughts.

She asked me numerous times tonight what was wrong.  I wasn't upset, mad, or anything, but she could tell I was thinking, and that I was quiet.  It all started with a simple choice.  The choice to walk a different path in life.  I didn't want to wait any longer for the cheap ass haircut, decided it would be worth spending the extra money at a salon.  I've found some nice ones before, but they just weren't close enough to home to warrant the drive and the extra expense.  But I decided to take a leap of faith last month.  I walked a down a little bit and came across a salon and figured what the hell.  I got right in, and Megan was the next available.  I mean, how much can I really glorify a haircut.  But it was so fucking nice.  She was so soft, slow, and gentle, and it was fucking amazing.  I know, I'm getting worked up over a haircut and shampoo.  But still.  It even feels ridiculous to type it.  It didn't end there, she was cute, nice, sweet, and had a lot of common interests with me.  Her family plays softball on holidays, she's into movies, and even has a picture of the TV Guide cover with Will Farrell up on the mirror.  Getting past all that, the thing that bothered me the most is that is all that can ever become of it.  I can't ask her out, I can't get to know much more about her, and I'll never know.  It's the what if scenario.  She remembered me from last time, and, in fact, remembered more about our conversation than I did.  Not surprising if you know me at all, not sure if its a guy thing or just me.  It seemed a little odd last time, but this time even more so that she was just waiting for me to ask her out.  She gave the hints, suggested great places, asked more questions than I've ever been asked by somebody performing a service such as a massage or something ever would.  She asked a lot of detailed questions.  It was fun.  The thing that just bothers me is that I'm so happy, I don't want anybody else, I want to come home to MG2, but I can't ever know to where that path would have led.  Am I going to have this all my life?  I often get frustrated and write on here how I'm sick of the sex drive.  The craving to bang every hot chick that walks past.  But I didn't even see her as hot.  Okay, she was, but that wasn't it for me.  It was the emotional and mental stimulation that hooked me.  I think that is what frustrates me the most.  Eventually she won't work there anymore.  Eventually I'll move on.  But eventually there will be somebody else.  Just like before her it was Sarah at Carrabba's.  What path will lie ahead?  Who will I pass when I see those paths?  I talked to MG2 about this a bit, and she was really great.  I love that I can talk to her.  That means so much to me.  She knows who I am, and how I think.  She too has a degree in Psychology.  She is so great.  I'll get over this.  As Rachel (my former boss, now in SD) would always say: "this too shall pass"...  Not soon enough I say, not soon enough...

I helped my neighbor Maria set up her IPOD Shuffle.  I think I need to open up a Service Desk business of my own.  A flat fee of $5 a month, and I'll help you when you need it.  Everything so far has been advice on wireless networks, setting up IPODS or MP3 players, guidance on how to get music for their MP3 players, and simple things like the number lock key isn't on.  Others charge $100 a month, or $50 an hour.  But I would think that after a few months of doing this, I could see why they charge that much because it eventually becomes work, and drives you nuts.  I can't stand stupid people, and in that situation stupid people would be my customer base.

I got the lyrics for Zach's music the other day.  I'm pondering how best to put them out along with the songs on the site.  Along with that I've also been researching web log tools that I can use myself.  Currently I'm still using Xanga, and just customize it to look as though it is part of my site, but I'd like to bring it all in house.  I've found a tool that does what I need, and if I can just learn some more about CSS and PHP I'd be good to go.  I should just break down and install it.  First step is to create a SQL database on the web server, enter the basic information, and begin customizing the site.  Easier said than done.  I hooked up Matty J with some VIP passes to Christie's Caberet in Tempe.  My sister used to work there and gave me a stack of them.  I passed them on to him to gain myself some free development assistance and support if necessary.  He's been a great help so far.  I'm sure I'll have plenty of questions for him in the future.

I told Terry at work that I was going to come to my annual review with my resignation unless they met a list of terms.  I figured I gave them plenty of time, so we'll see how it goes.  Ballsy.  Stupid, but ballsy.

We watched Prison Break tonight, and I think we may get in a Medium if she gets back soon.  We have a pie that just came out of the oven that's cooling down now.  How could I ever leave a girl like that?  She's so sweet, and so good.  I often say I don't deserve her.  She feels like she has to do a lot for me to "earn her keep".  I think that is crazy talk.  I think she's much sweeter to me than I am to her, but when you ask her, she says the opposite.  She would do anything for me to keep me happy.

I heard from Saki Wan the other day.  She called just to say hello.  I was caught off guard, but recognized the number.  We send emails back and forth, but there is often a month delay between them.  She's back in SF right now, and meeting with all kinds of important people from Panama.  I gave her a little crap about the oil industry in my last email to her, and asked her if they were investing in fusion technology or something yet.  She said she was looking into going online to meet somebody, and she was worried that I shared some of her sexual fantasies with MG2.  I didn't, not yet at least.... )

I saw CSA Girl online last night.  It was hard not to send her an IM.  It's been hard to not send her any emails or call her lately.  Even when I talk to her at work, I want to say more, but I don't.  I can't.  It's hard.

Mr. Franks should be back from Hawaii with Sarah any day now.  That had to be a great trip.  They went there on their honeymoon and loved it so much they wanted to go back this year.

Well, she's back with a ton of food.  We get to meet with Leslie our financial advisor next week, and I'm wondering if she'll raise an eyebrow to our food budget. 

Thanks for letting me vent.  Oh, and I got the Remote Desktop working now.  I'm an expert on it thanks to all the reading and testing I did over the long weekend.  At least I accomplished something.  I also got in softball practice and the eight mile bike ride through the paths here.  The hardest part is going back up the mountain to get home at the end.  It sucks.  Again, as Rachel would say: "such is life".

Take Care, and Goodnight...

JB

 

The problem is that I just don't have enough time to write.  I think all fucking day, I mean, that's what we do in life is just think, but I don't have a chance to write down all the shit that I think.

Okay, now Sam just came over to check out the halloween village, and now dinners ready.  See what I mean about not having enough time?

I decided to drag myself out and about and headed to the Einstein's over by my mom's this afternoon.  I got up about 10 this morning, messed with the PC for awhile, and finally got up the energy to head out.

 

I was messing with the computers, trying to learn more about the Remote Desktop feature within Windows XP.  It turns out you can only connect to PCs that are using Windows XP Pro, or Windows XP Home Media Edition 2005.  One of my PCs at home is still running Windows XP Home, so I need to upgrade it to XP Pro.  So now I'm on the search for that as well.  Other programs I've been looking for have been NetNanny and possibly PCAnywhere, but not so much now that I've learned about the features within Windows.  I had to get the external IP address for the machines, and had to make sure all the firewall settings were correct.  It was a learning process, but I still have more to go.

 

I sent my brother a check earlier this week because I knew he was short on cash.  I didn't want him to feel guilty, or feel like he owed me, but I wanted to help him out.  When I slipped up and told him about the new computer we bought for my mom, I had to defend myself by telling him I sent him a check too.  Besides, if I didn't tell him I sent it, he'd probably throw it out since it would say Bank Of America on the envelope.  I sent it using the Bill Pay service.  I've been struggling with what to get him for Christmas, and have been pondering either Spurs merchandise, a Best Buy gift card, a Wal-Mart gift card, or a subscription to Playboy magazine.  I think the Wal-Mart card would be best if he is short on cash, because I know he goes there.  Not much else available in Portage, WI.  I think he would like the Playboy subscription.  As I've been saying, it's the pictures that draw you in, but it's the articles that keep you subscribing.  The pictures are a nice bonus, and every couple of months you get some really good pictorials.  But you can always count on great jokes, introductions to new cool technology toys, and the Playboy advisor is just a great read.  Some of the interviews are okay too.  So I defend the magazine, and the best part is that MG2 is the one that bought it for me.  I believe for either Christmas or my birthday.  Who couldn't keep a girl like that?

 

I read the following from a speech given in 1821 by Secretary of State John Quincy Adams: "America has abstained from interference in the concerns of others, even when conflict has been for principles to which she clings as to the last vital drop that visits the heart.  She goes not abroad in search of monsters to destroy.  She well knows that by once enlisting under other banners than her own, were they even the banners of foreign independence, she would involve herself beyond the power of extrication in all the wars of interest and intrigue, of individual avarice, envy and ambition.  The fundamental maxims of her policy would change from liberty to force." Precedents can be a good thing, but we have to learn to listen. 

 

I don't want to get too political, or try to document my stance on the war and all that, but it can all be frustrating.  And as I wrote the other day, I just want to fix it all.  But I have to learn that I can't. 

 

My brother was rear-ended today by a guy while in Madison.  He had finished his chemistry test which he felt good about, headed to Rocky's where he ate a small pizza and watched Scooby Doo 2, and was on his way home when it happened.  He said the guy was really nice.  The other guy was driving a Cadillac, which basically picked up my brothers car (a brand new Civic).  He'll have it all fixed up in about a week though, so no major concerns.  He also wasn't going to fast, so there was no medical concerns. 

 

I had tried to help Cookie with her PC the other day.  That crappy Dell one that she got just after I left.  I just wished I could have done more.  The hard-drive was just screwed.  A low-level format could probably get it working again, but we couldn't get any data off of it.  The drive couldn't be mounted, so we couldn't couldn't transfer files or anything.  We used several ridiculously expensive programs at work to try, but no hope.  The only option was to go bit by bit to get data off, which just isn't worth the effort and cost.

 

I know I have some of her documents still at home, and she had backed-up some data, but I'm sure this will be another life lesson for her.  She wasn't very happy, and I can't blame her.  It was enough effort just to find a PC that was in working order, that had an open spot for a SATA drive.  That hunt took about half of a day.  Then it was having to buy a power adapter for IDE to SATA. 

 

What would you buy at Einstein's bagels that would require ketchup?  Apparently they have it here, but I can't figure out why.  Maybe for the breakfast bagels?  Some people like ketchup on eggs, right?  Gross, can't figure that out.  Makes me wonder if K-Girl has had some unusual cravings since being pregnant. 

 

I find myself thinking back to the times of Ghost Ship, the foot teases, and how one thing led to another.  Those were fun times.  Then I also think of the letter that was written to me.  The letter that justified being upset because it was just another relationship.  One with no emotions backing it up.  I think of that letter every once in awhile.

 

My life is so different now.  It makes me think of the post that K-Girl wrote the other night.  She was commenting on how she loves the poem by Robert Frost entitled "The Road Not Taken".  A bit taken from her post:

 

"Much to our dismay, delight, disbelief, what have you... Things change. It's hard to say whether for better or worse. You just pick a path and go down it and whether you spend hours, days or even just seconds deliberating which path to take, once you take it, it doesn't matter. Fact is, you are there.

 

I'm not one to regret the path I went down despite my ever wonderings of what might have been and the reminiscing of things that are no longer with me on this new journey. I don't wish to go back but I often imagine what it would be like had I chose the other route. This is new path is my choosing. This is my trade off.

 

So how do you explain that to the people in the distance, who grow further and further away the farther you move down that path?  The people who inadvertently got left behind?  I look back and see them waving.  Some urge manically as if I am making a big mistake. Some beckon slightly knowing that this is my choice and know that life means life goes on, with or with you yet not wanting me to go.  Some I see turn around with only a moment's hesitation back to their own paths - our crossing just a moment of time a memory but more often forgotten."

 

I think she speaks the same thoughts that a lot of us have.  How do we look back on the others that we inadvertently got left behind?  What do we say to those people?  Can we bring those people back to the path that we've been walking?  Or was the decisions that were made that left them behind ones that we'll have to deal with forever with no change?

 

I haven't posted for awhile.  Not nearly as long as it has been before, but still a week or more.  For that I apologize.

 

Since we got engaged, MG2 has been signing up to get every free wedding book on the planet.  Oh, and before I forget, she insists that she does not have a crush on Dr. House.  I know others did, but she insists that she does not.  Anyway, she's been getting the wedding books, and has been entering contests.  She listens to Beth and Bill on 99.9 KEZ here in Phoenix, and I tease her about that.  Well, now it will have to be a little less teasing.  Apparently she enters me in contests too, and I won.  I won a $500 Citizen watch that charges itself and I can go swimming in and more.  It's a fun little sports watch.  But that's not all, we also won a $1500 anniversary band.  It's got 2 caret total weight in diamonds.  It's huge, but its very nice too.  And if that wasn't enough, we also got round-trip airfare for both of us to Las Vegas.  We get 3 nights at the Bellagio, and transportation to and from the airport.  So that was a pretty nice prize package.  I say any prize that you win that you have to report on your taxes is a nice package.  We're looking forward to the trip, and are planning on going either in February or in May.

 

Well, I better end this now, as Einstein's is looking to close.  I'll try to get on here more later, as there are a few other things I have on my mind.  Nothing big, just thoughts.  Until then, take care...