August 12, 2004

• I don’t know that I will ever be happy.  I’ve heard everybody tell me that before, but I fight it.  They must be right.  I can’t be single, I can’t be in a relationship, and I surely can’t date.  I’ll never be happy.

  
  

   

  
  

  What sucks is I feel guilty for my thoughts.  I feel bad that my thoughts aren’t elsewhere.  I should be thinking about things or people that I may not be thinking about at any given moment.  That doesn’t mean I don’t think about them, worry about them, or wonder how things could be different. 

  
  

   

  
  

  I spent the entire day pondering how tonight and this weekend would go.  I want to spend time with MG2, yet I feel I should be creating some space.  Well, tonight she called me, telling me she was in a movie theater, about to watch Open Water.  Well, then I’m mad because I wanted to see it, and I couldn’t figure out why she would call me to tell me.  I know, I know, I’m just being difficult.  I know the way it really is, and I know there is the way I interpret it.  I mean, can I really bitch?  I mean, Karen just asked me last night to go see it with her.  I’m so stupid.  Insert Sarah song here.

  
  

   

  
  

  Movies with MG2 just haven’t gone quite the way I’d like them.  I’m not sure she understands how I am with movies, and what I see in them.

  
  

   

  
  

  I’ve been catching up on other’s posts.  Some I did awhile ago, others, I’m catching up on now.  I see the kisses that MG2 has been giving me were a topic of conversation.  It’s the little things.

  
  

   

  
  

  I’ve been busy at work, I had my game on, yes, again today.  What do I mean by that?  I guess I’m just confident, I take charge on stuff, I stay on top of most things, and I keep things moving forward.  No, I don’t get it all done.  I never will.  But I have to thank CSA Girl, as it was her moving words that brought me back to where I am now.  I worry about her though.

  
  

   

  
  

  I’m just tired of seeing myself and the way I am with things.  I was told to see somebody.  To help me with my issues.  I might just do that.  Somebody to help me get the things that I want to get done, done.

  
  

   

  
  

  I might just have to steal some stuff from K-Girl’s scheme.  I love the “Previously on K-Girl” and the “On the next episode of K-Girl” links.  She made the comment “I keep wondering about the marks people leave on those whose lives they cross in the journey of life.”  I wonder what it is she wonders?  I just love it.  As that is what life is: a series of those marks.  That post brought me to tears.  I remember I called her that night, after she posted it, but I hadn’t read it.  It’s hard to know what to say to somebody else when they have a loss.  There isn’t really anything you can say that will be good enough.  And let’s be honest, we don’t care nearly as much as they would want us to.  That’s tough.  But we all know what it is like when it happens to us.  So, I just try to remember that feeling for others.  It’s hard…  And her words and text made him sound like somebody I wished I could have met.  It was nice to see that even though Thin_Ice doesn’t take time to post, he still keeps up with us, and provides the support to her when she needs it.

  
  

   

  
  

  Well, I’m going to head out to Dairy Queen.  I need ice cream.  I’m a chick, so ice cream  may as well be my best friend too.

  • 9:57 pm
  • 3 Comments