June 16, 2004

• It’s not supposed to be like this.  It’s not supposed to happen like this.  They are dropping one by one.  You are not my dirty little secret.  I can’t even type that sentence it hurts so much.  It’s not supposed to be like this.  Apologies don’t work.  I’ve tried that. 

  
  

   

  
  

  I think he misconstrued my post.  That’s okay.  He obviously didn’t read the first two sentences.  I’ve never felt like I can’t post what I want anymore.  But after the comment and after the conversation tonight, I just don’t know anymore.

  
  

   

  
  

  I’ve had a great two days with her.  It’s too bad I don’t even have the energy to write about it.  We’ve watched Armageddon and Contact.  I cried during both, yes, I’m a pussy.  She didn’t catch me on the first one though.  The second one had some religious undertones that I needed to deal with.  She spent the night last night.  No, not for that.  Just spent the night.  I brought her dogs treats from Petsmart and brought her some Dairy Queen today to surprise her.  I was thinking I could introduce her to my friends.  But I’m starting to wonder….what friends?

  
  

   

  
  

  I just feel horrible.  I too didn’t realize how I felt, and I got a little scared.  But just when I chose to do something about it, I chose to give up those feelings.  It looked as though you were distracted with other issues (specifically somebody who wouldn’t leave).  I brought a cactus, he brought a rose.  What am I supposed to do?  Timing is everything. 

  
  

   

  
  

  CSA Girl, I think your judgment of me was pretty accurate.  That’s why when I’m with somebody, I don’t have any friends.  I don’t feel I’m with somebody, but I still don’t have any friends.  My choice.  My decisions.  The whole “painting your own picture thing”.  This is why I feel I disappoint, because I do.  My painting sucks.  It’ll be an 80’s dance party with just the two of us in July.

  
  

   

  
  

  Cookie has issues.  She’s lonely.  I try everything I can to be there for her.  Including answering the phone when MG2 is here.  I always want to be there for people, even if it’s not the smartest thing I’ve ever done.  I try.  I don’t know that I’m succeeding, but I try…

  
  

   

  
  

  I’m going to bed.  I’m always here.  I may not be what you’re looking for, but I’m here.  Hopefully on the day you need me I can be exactly what you need.  I would not trade anything in my life.  I would not undo the things that have been done.  Please, get some sleep.  Sweet Dreams…  Take Care…

  • 2:03 am
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