March 27, 2004

• “Even though I know, I don’t want to know.  Yeah, I guess I know, I just hate how it sounds…”

  
  

   

  
  

  Aura.  Life.  That is Aura.  It is the sweet, the sour, and everything in the middle.  I planned it all out.  It went exactly as I thought it would.  Not that it would be some magical thing, but I just realistically thought about how it would be.  And that’s how it was.  Problem: I thought so hard about how it would be, I didn’t think about what it would be like once she was gone.  It was harder than I could ever imagine it would be.  I was grateful to have my friends, but I really just needed to be alone.  And I was.  Listening to Aura, and just collecting my thoughts.  I eventually pulled through it enough to go out and try and enjoy myself.  And I was able to meet Corrina Corrina.  And due to a completely unexpected kiss, even that never happened.  Not that I would have ever been successful in talking to her again anyway, it was just that even that chance disappeared when one was laid on me by an anonymous Hawaiian (at heart) hot tamale of a girl that also works in an IT department.  Poor thing, she was drunk.  Otherwise she wouldn’t have done it, right?  She was adorable though.  Dancing on the box, even sometimes by herself.  She has it in her to be who she wants to be, she just doesn’t let it out. 

  
  

   

  
  

  Going back to JB, I was just really upset, as I would have done anything.  I mean, I really loved JenJen, but I really would have done anything.  I don’t know that it matters now, well, I guess it does, because it matters to me.  Regardless of what can or can’t be, I feel a certain way.  I’ve thought several times that she’ll never know how I feel.  But through Aura, and through reading my thoughts, it can’t get any closer than this.  My fear is that it isn’t reciprocated.  That she thinks I’m psychotic, which I may be, but everybody is to some extent.  I’m worried that she cared about me simply because I cared for her.  I have to force myself to remember that she couldn’t care for me.  Regardless of how she wanted to be.  I’m happy we had what we had, and that we had nothing else.  Sometimes what we had was too much, and there will probably always be some guilt in that regard.  An emotional relationship with somebody can be far worse than having a physical relationship.  I mean, she saved me.  She saved me from settling, I was happy, but I wasn’t in love.  She showed me that there are people out there that you can be happy with, and be in love with.  It was just too bad we couldn’t have more of that.  At one point, I was lucky enough to hear her say that she loved me, it’s just that she loves him too, and he was there first, and I was one promise too late.  I just needed to hear that she cared, and I couldn’t hear that.  That hurt.  Some of these Aura songs are brutal, and Batlover would tell me not to listen, but what she doesn’t understand is that is why I listen.  They are exactly what I need.  Above all else, Aura will be there.  And if I was a religious person, I would be saying above all else, God is with me.  But I warn you, Batlover’s subtle comments, and stories, and other things I read, remind me to open my heart and my mind, and never say never.  Even the post from AprilLynn (I’ll mention her more later) keeps my mind open to the unknown.  Her post on Friday, March 19^th, 2004 touched me in a way that I haven’t felt in awhile.

  
  

   

  
  

  Paula Cole is singing “Feelin’ Love.”  The song is just a little awkward to hear right now.  I love the song, as it is part of Aura, oh, and for those that are confused, Aura, used in different contexts means different things.  Aura is also the CD that I have.  Currently about 112 songs (MP3 encoded CD-R).  Anyway, the song is just a little too sexually charged for how I feel right now.  Aura originated with the title Internet Music, but, through life, I have added songs to it.  Songs that mean something to me, and remind me of a specific time or individual.  I told JB about it, and she had something similar which she called “mood music”.  We combined the two, and created “Aura”. 

  
  

   

  
  

  I read a comment on Thin_Ice’s site, and it led me to AprilLynn.  All I had to do was read a few words to fall for the thoughts and ideas that she had.  I mean, I haven’t really looked outside of my site, and the sites of Kolohegirl and Thin_Ice.  I know TDM has one, but I haven’t gone looking.  Well, AprilLynn really pours out her thoughts.  I just loved that.  The way she phrased things showed that she was educated, which I also liked.  Reading her first post explains her writing ability, as she was an English major with a minor in Journalism.  And she loves to write.  She writes of her dreams, her day, and some of those deep meaningful thoughts that one has that they don’t normally share.  She had a great sense of humor, and it was just great to read.  And as if that isn’t enough, she is from Wisconsin.  I guess it all goes back to being in love with the idea of being in love.   It may be whack, but, I’m going to read every post of hers.  Starting with Monday, March 26^th 2001.  Convenient that I stumble across it exactly 3 years later.  It will be interesting to know somebody for who they really are.  Well, probably the closest you can get to somebody without meeting them.  Xanga authors can be very intimate in their thoughts.  I think I am, and I was pleased to see that she was as well.  I think it is just great to read something that says, “hey, I’m here, I’m what you are looking for, I may be a thousand miles away, and I may not be everything that you want, but I may just be…” It keeps that hope and dream alive.  Patience.  What you are looking for exists out there, you just need to be patient, and you will find her…

  
  

   

  
  

  JB, I miss you, with all my heart.  Words, music, nothing, will ever accurately do justice to show how I feel.  I will love again, but I will never give up that small ray of hope, that I will someday be able to cuddle on the couch, in candlelight, drinking our 2000 merlot with you, my sweet love…

  • 10:16 pm
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